Why would a man actively extend a first date to 5 hours only to then reject a woman?

[babybrowns]

Hello all

I went on a first date with a man this weekend whom I met online. (Please note- I have not posted about him before- new guy). We matched a few days ago and he asked me if I’d like to meet up.

The date was set to be just a coffee date but he then wanted to extend it and go somewhere else afterwards with me for lunch. Naturally I took this as a good sign- however- he wanted to go Dutch on the lunch, even though it was just at Starbucks. We went there after having coffee somewhere else.

It is worth also mentioning here that during the first part of the date (the ‘just coffee’ part), he confessed that he still lives with his ex partner whom he was with for 10 years; they broke up at the end of last year but bought a house together which they’re still settling affairs with. This conversation came towards the first part of our date though and he did reassure me that he doesn’t have any lingering romantic feelings for her at all. I decided to give it the benefit of the doubt and didn’t let it be a dealbreaker. We then continued with the rest of the date.

This man and I spent 5 hours together in total on this date, and the conversation flowed effortlessly with lots of laughter and good times. There were no awkward silences at all, no ‘uh-oh perhaps I shouldn’t have said that’ moments and there was lots eye contact, it seemed to be going nicely.

After 5 hours I had to call it a day since I had a few errands to run before the day was up. After we both got home, he texted me to thank me for a “really wonderful time” but that he “didn’t feel a romantic spark but would happily meet again as friends”. I then replied to thank him too but that I was actually pursuing a romantic connection with someone rather than a friendship, so I said no to this.

Given the fact that this man actively extended the time with me to be as long as it was, this message of rejection was a little unexpected. Not to mention that it wasted 5 hours of my time and gave me false hope that he did want a second date. Also, the pictures on my dating profile are recent and represent me accurately so it’s not like I look different from the pictures he saw when he asked me out.

I am wondering what happened??

Edited September 17, 2023 by babybrowns

[Alpacalia]

He still lives with an ex. Run, Forest!

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

he still lives with his ex partner whom he was with for 10 years; they broke up at the end of last year

Nope, don't even bother going on dates with men who live with an ex. 

It doesn't matter why they are still living together or when they are moving out. It is messy and incomplete and one of the biggest red flags around.

[babybrowns]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Nope, don't even bother going on dates with men who live with an ex. 

It doesn't matter why they are still living together or when they are moving out. It is messy and incomplete and one of the biggest red flags around.

Thank you- I didn’t know about this until he told me during the date. He did ask if I was ok with it, to which I said it was a little unexpected but that the main thing was whether he had any lingering romantic feelings towards her, to which he assured me he didn’t. I do agree though that it would have been a bad idea to pursue it with a situation like that

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, babybrowns said:

the main thing was whether he had any lingering romantic feelings towards her, to which he assured me he didn’t.

Eh, unless and until they are truly broken up and moved out and have spent time actually processing the break-up, I wouldn't count on there being no feelings left. There is always emotional business to process at the end of a relationship, and that isn't really possible to do in a complete and healthy way until they're living apart. 

And who knows, maybe they aren't actually broken up and she found out he's been doing on dates with other women. 

Either way, his situation is a huge red flag and I would be glad to be rid of him. 

[Sony12]

Also good chance he extended it because he was hoping to get laid that night. 

[Alpacalia]

People can often go back and forth between feeling a connection and not, so it's possible that this was the case. It's not a matter of giving him the benefit of the doubt, it's a matter of him still living with and being emotionally tied to his ex that for you needs to be a standard that you aren't willing to lower. All that said, it's understandable to feel a bit frustrated about the whole situation, and wasted time is never easy.

[mark clemson]

Most likely - he's probably still too entangled with the Ex and knows it at some level and so knows he really can't commit to you.

Alternative - much less likely but possible - he's married or committed to the "Ex" and was thinking about an affair but changed his mind.

Alternative - even less likely but possible - he's married or committed to the "Ex" but enjoys flirting with women so much that he has "escalated" this to meeting them online and taking them out to lunch.

Whatever the situation, he's made his position clear. There's no point casting your line out again if you know there aren't any fish in the lake. Time to move on...

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

I am wondering what happened??

He just wasn’t into you. Happens all the time, and more often than not on a first date / meet from online dating. The real problem is that you want to analyze it. It’s honestly not worth your time or emotional energy. It truly doesn’t matter. Just move onto the next prospect.

[BaileyB]

Why did he extend the date only to then decide that he didn’t want to see you again - this is online dating. It’s just the way it goes… I’ve been out on dates with me t hT I thought were “amazing dates” only to then learn that he wasn’t interested in seeing me again - and vice versa. It’s just what happens when you meet a stranger for the first time - who knows what their agenda is, what their intentions are, etc…

I agree, the moment he told he that he still lived with his ex - nothing else would have mattered. I’m not interested ind aging a man who is living with another woman, regardless of how he tries to sell it…

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

 he confessed that he still lives with his ex partner. he texted me to thank me for a “really wonderful time” but that he “didn’t feel a romantic spark but would happily meet again as friends”.

Sorry this happened. It seems like you dodged a bullet. He didn't really give you false hope, he was just testing to see if you're ok being the other woman.

[babybrowns]

Thank you all for your replies. It could indeed be the case that he was looking for a ‘side dish’, but saw that I wouldn’t settle for it. Our other conversations during the date were quite intellectual so it could be that he saw I just wasn’t the ‘silly girl’ that he was hoping to pin down for that.

When I asked him a little more about his live-in ex and whether he’d mind if she moved onto another man herself, he said “she already has, and he doesn’t mind” , but then what is strange is that when I asked if her new man ever stays round their house, he went very vague and was all “I really don’t know anything about that”.

I also asked if he ever hangs out with his ex or just goes for a walk with her etc, to which he simply said “no”, which is again very odd given that they live together, and in his words are “on very good terms”. A 10-year relationship followed by living together can’t possibly result in a complete cutoff to the extent of not even going for a walk together. It is clear that he was not being completely honest about his involvement with her.

That aside, I get that sometimes when dates feel great there ends up being less interest from the other side as a couple of people have suggested, but that begs the question - why then keep it going for 5 hours?

Whenever I’ve not “felt the spark”, I’ve not stayed longer than an hour. For one, it is a waste of both our times. For two, I don’t want to give the person a false lead. For three, there are other things I’d rather be doing with my time which don’t involve hanging out with someone I’m not that into!

Either way, I am glad that this man decided not to pursue a romantic connection here, since I did enjoy the date and would have happily gone out with him again (prior to posting on here and unpacking it to this extent), which would have led to significant complications with his ex still being a massive part of his life. 

Thank you all for your contributions 💐 

Edited September 17, 2023 by babybrowns

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

 - why then keep it going for 5 hours?

Because that's the length of time he could sneak away from the "ex". 

[Weezy1973]

26 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

- why then keep it going for 5 hours?

Maybe he was having a good time even if he wasn’t into you romantically? I mean honestly there’s no way of knowing for sure, and it really doesn’t matter. I think there’s a bit of you that feels hurt / rejected and therefore is trying to paint him as a “bad” dude to make yourself feel better.

[babybrowns]

2 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Maybe he was having a good time even if he wasn’t into you romantically? I mean honestly there’s no way of knowing for sure, and it really doesn’t matter. I think there’s a bit of you that feels hurt / rejected and therefore is trying to paint him as a “bad” dude to make yourself feel better.

I don’t think anything that either myself or anyone has written on here suggests that I’m trying to paint anyone as a ‘bad dude’- the point of this post as the title suggests, is to unpack why someone would keep a date going for 5 hours when they followed that up with saying they weren’t interested in the person.
I’m a scientist and I question that which doesn’t make sense!

[MsJayne]

He enjoyed your company but wasn't attracted to you, he was honest about not feeling it and honest about liking hanging out with you. It's also possible he was hoping to get lucky if he invested enough effort, and also possible his 'ex' isn't really his ex. 

[Wiseman2]

34 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

 why someone would keep a date going for 5 hours when they followed that up with saying they weren’t interested in the person.

Same reason he wanted to go dutch. He has 5 hrs to kill and didn't want to leave a paper trail for the "ex". Someone who lives with someone and spends some time trying to get lucky isn't really worth all this analysis.

However plenty of long dates that are fun simply don't go anywhere. Maybe he got home,had sex with his "ex", and decided to cut things off? 

Edited September 17, 2023 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

He extended the date because he enjoyed your company immensely.  But he wasn't feeling a romantic vibe.  While it may have been disappointing, it does make sense.   We do get different feelings for different people.

And yes, you should have backed out when you found he lived with his ex.

[Alpacalia]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Maybe he got home,had sex with his "ex", and decided to cut things off? 

That's a terrible thought 😆

[Lotsgoingon]

Once he told you he was living with the ex, YOU should have ended the date right there and then. "I'm sorry. I don't want to date people who live with their exes. You seem nice, but I feel strongly about this." Why didn't you say that?

And now afterwards, why didn't on second thought, with more time to consider things, reach the conclusion that you don't want to go out with someone who lives an ex. Period. You don't give that a "benefit of the doubt." That's like someone telling you "I'm on bail out of jail for major theft, but it's all a misunderstanding." No, you don't give this a benefit of the doubt--unless you have a ton more information.

So the question is, why don't you have some standards? People will always say they're over the ex. Always. But they're living with the ex, that means the ex is just a feet away. Means they do get along pretty well, means they may still be trying to reconcile. Means they can easily be having sex with each other--even as they plan to separate. And a person in that situation IS NOT going to tell you well, I slept with my ex last week. That was an immediate red flag.

Why didn't pay attention to it?!

So my first answer to your question is: why did YOU extend the date given the big red flag?

Now as for him, lots of guys will extend a date as long as the woman  seems to going along with the date. Often extending a date means the person likes you but isn't feeling chemistry. So they extend the date in hopes of a spark emerging. The guy might think wow I like her, maybe if we talk a longer, I will feel the attraction. Also some guys are looking for an opening to just try to have sex with you THAT NIGHT.  So they keep probing and keep extending the conversation in hopes of there being a moment when you show you'd be up for a one-night stand. 

FYI: If there is chemistry, then in hour 3 or so, you guys would be holding hands and kissing. You'd at the very least have your hands on each other, like arms around each other's shoulders. 

Get out of your passive mode. Step up and make some judgments. 

 

[ShyViolet]

As others have said, YOU should have been the one to recognize it as a red flag that he still lives with his ex, and not waste any more of your time with this.  All the prying questions you asked about his ex, and whether she is dating anyone else, and whether he hangs out with her, that was a little weird.  It all doesn't matter.  Frankly I'm surprised that this guy has the nerve to go out there and date while still living with his ex, and think that women are going to be ok with that.

5 hours ago, babybrowns said:

 the point of this post as the title suggests, is to unpack why someone would keep a date going for 5 hours when they followed that up with saying they weren’t interested in the person.

I'm not sure why you think we would be able to answer that?  We are not inside his head, we don't know what his motivations were.  Asking "why why why" and analyzing this is not going to get you anywhere.  It really doesn't matter.  Chalk this up to a learning experience and move on.

[NuevoYorko]

During the time you spent together, he came to the conclusion that you and he were not a match.  It's simple, ex living with him or not.

Question:  Why are you so concerned with whether this guy was into you or not, while not mentioning much of anything about how you were feeling towards him?  

[babybrowns]

Hello all

Thank you for your further replies. So the main question from people is, why didn’t I end the date when I found out that he lived with his ex.

The answer lies in the way he was responding to my followup questions around this topic- he truly seemed indifferent towards this woman and supposedly hadn’t a clue about what she does with her life anymore. He had completely lost all emotions towards her, oh so he said.

As I mentioned, I was otherwise enjoying the date quite a lot; conversation flowed effortlessly and there was a great vibe (whether romantic or a just-friends vibe) and I didn’t want it to end. I was enjoying his company a lot too. 

I should also mention something; towards the latter part of the date, the guy randomly said to me “sorry just to let you know, I don’t often go on dates, so excuse my etiquette if it’s not what it’s meant to be” (I wasn’t sure whether he was referring to going Dutch or anything in particular). I responded encouragingly, saying it has been great so far spending time with him.

The signals all the way to the end of the date were very positive, and having been in a fair share of online dates in my life, this one seemed great and I was half expecting a positive message from him upon getting home. Instead, what he sent me was a complete contrast to what his actions all suggested. 

The guy did want to meet again as “just friends” as he texted me when he got home, but I refused and unmatched him; we didn’t even exchange numbers. Part of me wonders whether I should have agreed to be friends, given how much we enjoyed each other’s company. But better perhaps to just cut losses and move on.

 

[Wiseman2]

Try to be more in control on dates. Meet in a public place that you are familiar with, provide your own transportation, don't drink and keep meetings much briefer. Always have "somewhere to go" so you have an easy out if it drags on. 

Remember it's not a date, it's just a sort of in person introduction to see if there's chemistry and mutual interest.

Unfortunately in this case there wasn't, but next time don't waste 5 hours on a first meeting. If things are going well, you can always agree to a second date.

Especially cut back on pre-meeting texting. It builds up false rapport and can blur things. Keep in mind people are talking to and meeting others at this point,so they may find a better match right after your meeting.

[stillafool]

27 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

and I didn’t want it to end. I was enjoying his company a lot too. 

If you didn't want the date to end, why did you end it?  Were your errands that important?  Probably he wanted to extend the date to get laid, when that didn't happen due to your ending it early; he didn't want a second go at it.  Not worth pondering IMO.  Doesn't matter if he goes on walks with his ex or not.  You did the right thing by not accepting the "friends" (cough, cough), game.
 

Edited September 18, 2023 by stillafool