Why would a man actively extend a first date to 5 hours only to then reject a woman?

[NuevoYorko]

An online dating platform is no place to meet new friends.  You've already had awful experiences when you've tried this.  I hope you remember and have learned to simply move on when your date does not lead anywhere.

 

[Alpacalia]

So you were falling for his 6ft height, metaphorical running your fingers through his hair. You should have ended the date after finding out about his living situation, even if he seemed emotionally detached from his ex. Not let attraction or good conversation cloud your judgment.

Rejection is better then a broken heart and a situation that could have been avoided.

Edited September 18, 2023 by Alpacalia

[stillafool]

On 9/17/2023 at 5:07 PM, babybrowns said:

I don’t think anything that either myself or anyone has written on here suggests that I’m trying to paint anyone as a ‘bad dude’- the point of this post as the title suggests, is to unpack why someone would keep a date going for 5 hours when they followed that up with saying they weren’t interested in the person.
I’m a scientist and I question that which doesn’t make sense!

He obviously liked your company and just because he didn't like you in a romantic way didn't mean he didn't see you as a future friend.  That is why he asked to see you again as friends.  You wanted more and you were right to decline and block.

[BaileyB]

On 9/17/2023 at 3:31 PM, babybrowns said:

that begs the question - why then keep it going for 5 hours?

Whenever I’ve not “felt the spark”, I’ve not stayed longer than an hour.

Because not everyone thinks or behaves the way that you do…

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He obviously liked your company and just because he didn't like you in a romantic way didn't mean he didn't see you as a future friend.  That is why he asked to see you again as friends.  You wanted more and you were right to decline and block.

Yep.  

@babybrowns we see this all the time where someone (seems most often be a woman) goes on a date where she likes his company but doesn't feel romantic vibes.  She then wants to offer friendship instead and asks us what we think.    If this guy had asked the question of us, we would most certainly have told him that you're not on a dating site to make friends and to let the idea drop.  

[ShyViolet]

You know, there'a a general rule of thumb that first dates should always be short... like getting coffee, not a full dinner.  You should always plan it so you tell the person you have something to do afterwards and only have a limited time, enough to get a coffee.  This is because a first date should be a quick meeting to see if you have initial chemistry, and if you don't then you haven't wasted an entire evening.

[basil67]

Yep.  If wasting your time is a concern, then make a rule to keep the first date short.  You have control over this.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

This is because a first date should be a quick meeting to see if you have initial chemistry, and if you don't then you haven't wasted an entire evening.

Exactly. But, for some who are more isolated, perhaps don’t have family or a lot of friends, maybe they work from home… social contact is social contact - whether there are romantic feelings or not. 

I’m totally with you, my time is too precious to spend five hours on a “date” with someone I have no intention of seeing again… but, I can also see why others may feel differently. 

[semble]

Unless you want to share, you must accept the rule that there is no dating a person who is still living with an ex.

NO EXCEPTIONS

[ExpatInItaly]

Why would you want to be friends with some internet random you met once? 

[d0nnivain]

Nothing happened.  He was lonely & wanted some company for the afternoon.  

He is still hung up on the EX & not free to date.  It really had nothing to do with you but you are right you were used & wasted your afternoon.  

[babybrowns]

Thank you everyone for your further replies. I know it is best to keep a first date short, but I think anyone would get excited if they are enjoying a first date with someone and then the person asks if they’d like to get food too afterwards. In most cases, we know that to be a positive sign which leads us to hope that our liking for the person might indeed be mutual.

Aside from the issue of the ex, which was a relatively short part of the conversation (despite it being a big issue and all), the date felt great from start to finish. When we were saying goodbye at the end, it did look like the man wanted to kiss me, but I reached out to hug him first (I don’t tend to kiss on first dates). I left the date feeling like it went nicely and that we might like each other enough to want to do a second date.  

The message he sent me about an hour or two after he got home came as a big surprise. In fact it’s the most surprising post-great-date message I’ve ever received in my 33 years. It did not correlate with the positive vibes that the date brought at all, almost as if he had a head transplant when he got home versus when he was out with me.

Also, if he didn’t find me attractive, why would he have asked me out in the first place given that he could see my online pictures before even meeting me, which are recent, not airbrushed and represent me?

With the conversation on the date flowing for 5 hours like a duck taking to water, I honestly find the whole thing very odd, and it does change the way I feel about going on first dates. If a date can go that well only to be followed by a simple rejection, where do you go from there?

Perhaps it is the ‘ex’ that is making him emotionally unavailable, but even if so,  I really don’t know why a man would keep a girl whom he met from a dating site around for 5 whole hours when he does not feel a romantic spark. Talk about wasting someone’s time!

Oh well, the search continues 🔦 

Edited September 19, 2023 by babybrowns

[Weezy1973]

4 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Also, if he didn’t find me attractive, why would he have asked me out in the first place given that he could see my online pictures before even meeting me, which are recent, not airbrushed and represent me?

Back when I was doing online dating I would meet up with anyone who crossed a “minimum threshold” of attraction. And then meeting in person would either increase my attraction (rare) or decrease my attraction (common). 

 

6 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

I really don’t know why a man would keep a girl whom he met from a dating site round for 5 whole hours when he has no intention of dating her.

Nobody really knows except him. But you weren’t in a relationship with him so it’s not like you need closure or anything. There’s nothing to ruminate about here.