Blindsided dumped and trying to put the pieces together now.

[californiagirl15]

Hi everyone -- long story short my ex dumped me a little over a month ago. I made a prior post but I'm still trying to put the pieces together. He gave me reasons as he does not like to travel as much as I do and he could never see himself spending a holiday with my family instead of his. We were talking about living together and engagement, so I wanted to start sharing a holiday every now and then. He insulted my family traditions, I cried over it, and then he told me not being at his family holiday would "make his mom sad."

I never felt like a real priority over his family. He would be so quick to plan, make dinner reservations etc. whenever his family asked or wanted to do something but with me, I always got "you can never sit still." It was frustrating for me. Sometimes when I was around him & his mom, I honestly felt like I was interrupting a date. They would just sit and gossip about people for HOURS on end, she put him on a pedestal and he never did anything wrong in her eyes. It was honestly just annoying to listen to. It got to a point where whenever his mom would comment on something, all of a sudden a week later, my ex would be saying the same comment. For example, she commented on how one of his friends girlfriends was "a little old" to be wearing a Disney t shirt & then a week later, he would comment on how wearing Disney clothes is embarrassing. I personally love Disney, so I have a few Mickey Mouse sweatshirts. She would say how we "always had to be doing something" or that I "could never sit still and traveled too much" and what do you know...that was the next thing I was critiqued for. She drove me insane, she was nice, but drove me insane. When we talked about living together, I was looking at 2 bedrooms so he could have a full man cave/video game room, but he was insulting and refused to let me have the 3 Disney items I had. It was 2 pictures I was given as a gift that went above my work desk & coasters. 

We had a flight credit to use and I was trying to convince him to go on a golf trip with me over a long weekend, he freaked out and said "we just went somewhere 7 months ago, stop trying to plan vacations." I really wasn't planning anything crazy, just a couple long weekends a year. I also always paid for the flights & hotels. Anyways, we had a vacation planned for last week to visit my best friend from college, I lost out on over $1,000 on flights and the hotel that I pre-paid for and when he dumped me, he never offered to reimburse me for the portion of the trip that I paid for him. He told me not to worry about my portion of his family vacation that I was invited on because he was going to give his mom a check to cover me. My portion of the family vacation was a third of what I paid for him, of course I wasn't going to offer to cover my portion of a trip that I was invited on and dumped weeks before. 

He is now telling everyone that all I did was argue with him. We argued about the same things over and over again because he was yet to address the issue. We argued about vacations, I loved to travel and he was so difficult to get to go anywhere that wasn't a long weekend with his extended family. We also argued about instagram. He was liking his friends friends (people he didn't even know) bikini photos, any group setting he was in that I was not there, some random girl at a bar somehow found his instagram and he would blame one of his friends for giving it out. It was just frustrating for me and I explained time and time again how embarrassing it is to see your significant other liking those photos especially since all his friends can see it, and how horrible it feels to think your significant other his giving their information out to random girls they meet at a concert or on a guys trip.

We also argued about date nights. Every weekend I would go to his place, and RARELY anything would be planned unless I initiated or one of his friends made a plan that included us. I just wanted to feel like he was excited to take me somewhere, and not the other way around for once. It's exciting putting on a cute outfit and going on a date with your boyfriend -- I told him that I would really like to have a designated date night once a week or every other week. I would spend hundreds in ubers to get to his place and sit in over an hour of traffic, I thought it wasnt a huge ask to maybe expect a date planned out once in awhile. He told me I made him feel like a bad boyfriend and that nothing was ever good enough for me. I apologized, dropped the topic, and felt really sad about it. I then just took initiative in planning fun things to do together, but he told me he just wants to "chill" and that again, i could never "just sit still." We are 26 and 29 years old.

He had a reputation of being a womanizer, even some of his friends would call him a "pathological liar" or just that something was off about him. I gave him a chance because the rumors I had heard about him were from years ago, and maybe he had matured. Everything seemed great for a year, but the last 5 months I felt so empty. It got to the point where we would argue, I'd end up in tears, and he would get frustrated or laugh at me for playing the victim for trying to explain about something he was doing was making me feel. I know I'm not perfect but I feel as though I am self aware and was able to apologize for things I went about incorrectly. I would get frustrated because everyone seems to love him, but then all they do is talk about how he lies. Looking back, I caught him in 4 lies, and he never once admitted to lying/apologizing for it. 

Now his entire family and friends are all deleting me off everything. It kind of hurts because I made a huge effort to be very close with his family, they had family events including extended members, every month sometimes even more, and I always made sure I was there. I would text his mom often since he told me it was important to him..and now I'm just discarded completely. They had no problem liking, continuing to follow his other exes. Same with my ex, he would still like/follow their accounts but I was removed within weeks of breaking up. 

Last week, I found him on a dating app. He had a prompt up that said "I want someone who...loves to travel, go out, plan weekend trips." I couldn't believe it, the reasons he dumped me over because HE never wanted to do those things, are now what he wants in a person? I feel so bamboozled 

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry you are hurting but I implore you to reread your post.  You & him were not compatible.  

Who cares that his family & his friends are deleting you off social media.  They are HIS people, not yours.  With them out of your life too you have less chance of seeing him on line. 

You were told he was a womanizer & a liar.  His dating profile proves that.  

When you are ready there used to be a singles group that paired people to play golf:  2 men, 2 women. If you get a love match great but at least you get to play golf.  I suggest you see if they have something like that by you. 

[stillafool]

I agree so what if his friends and family delete you.  You guys are no longer together so they were going to let you go anyway.  You have your own friends and family for support.  It seemed like he was losing interest in you before the break up.  At least now you no longer have to deal with his mother.  You two were incompatible and he is a womanizer.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, californiagirl15 said:

  his entire family and friends are all deleting me off everything. It kind of hurts because I made a huge effort to be very close with his family. last week, I found him on a dating app. 

Sorry this is happening. However you need to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps and dating apps. 

You actually dodged a bullet. You were incompatible and he insulted you and your family. Try to do fun things with family and friends. Is this the same man?:

 

[stillafool]

29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You actually dodged a bullet. You were incompatible and he insulted you and your family.

Oh, now I remember you.  I thought you would have ended it with him by now; but I see he was the one to end it.  It is for the best OP, this guy was never going to be who you wanted him to be for you.  He wasn't as invested as you were.

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, californiagirl15 said:

I never felt like a real priority over his family.  Sometimes when I was around him & his mom, I honestly felt like I was interrupting a date. They would just sit and gossip about people for HOURS on end, she put him on a pedestal and he never did anything wrong in her eyes. I

Last week, I found him on a dating app. He had a prompt up that said "I want someone who...loves to travel, go out, plan weekend trips." I couldn't believe it, the reasons he dumped me over because HE never wanted to do those things, are now what he wants in a person? I feel so bamboozled 

It sounds like he is very "entangled" with his family, and might not actually be interested in "settling down" at this point in his life. But he wants a GF, so he puts himself out there. There might be a cultural element to this as well, as adults in some cultures stick closer to their family-of-origin than others.

Possibly these travel ideas are things he aspires to, but doesn't actually implement in his real life.

At rate, I think as nice as it perhaps might have been in some ways (had it worked out), reality is that either you are incompatible or he was never really looking for a true LTR anyhow. Take the time to "dust yourself off" and move on...

[ExpatInItaly]

I believe I made a similar comment in your last thread, but you were way more into this relationship than he was. 

It was so lopsided that it's mind-boggling you stuck around as long as you did. In the future, please be more careful not to accept this sort of situation. Find a man who is equally invested. 

4 hours ago, californiagirl15 said:

Now his entire family and friends are all deleting me off everything.

This is for the best. Much as it stings, there is no reason to stay connected to them anymore. It will hurt you too much. 

[Lubecke]

I agree with most people on here. You were the only one truly putting the effort, thinking long-term, and it seems you tried everything you could to make it work, but he seemed on a completely different page than you. 
 

I know it’s tough to digest so we are all here for you; but give him space go NC, and slowly try to heal from all of this. You deserve better and someone that is equally invested in you. 

[JTSW]

21 hours ago, californiagirl15 said:

I found him on a dating app. He had a prompt up that said "I want someone who...loves to travel, go out, plan weekend trips." I couldn't believe it, the reasons he dumped me over because HE never wanted to do those things

I think you need to realise that he does like traveling, going out and going on weekend trips, he just didn't want to do them with you.

You did nothing wrong.

He checked out of the relationship a long time before the actual break up.

Why are you still dwelling on this loser?