My boyfriend compared me to an ex over a year ago, and I still cannot forgive. Should I end things?

[ferdous12345]

We are both 25m. We have been together for just over 2 years. He is my first boyfriend, I am his 4th. I was a virgin before meeting him. About 4 months into the relationship, we were having sex and it was difficult because I wasn’t relaxing. I was trying my best, and out of frustration he said “This was so much easier with my ex.”

He has apologized profusely and has said that he didn’t mean it. He was frustrated with himself for struggling too, and took it out on me. He hasn’t repeated anything like that.

The hurt stays. I feel like I cannot trust that he isn’t comparing me. He says he isn’t. I also feel lowly because he leveraged his past experiences against me, when it was my first relationship and one of the first times I was actually more sexually active. I felt low.

I have spoken to him about all of this. He swears up and down that he wishes he never said it, that he doesn’t compare us, that he thinks I’m good at sex, that I’m his best partner. But I can’t let go of the hurt.

Any advice? Should I end things? Not because he’s an evil person, but because I’m incapable of moving on and he doesn’t deserve that.

TLDR—bf compared me to an ex over a year ago, and has apologized and mended his ways. But I can’t get over it. Should I end things?

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, ferdous12345 said:

, we were having sex and it was difficult because I wasn’t relaxing. I was trying my best, and out of frustration he said “This was so much easier with my ex.”

Reconsider the relationship. Trust your instincts. That selfish cruel insensitive remark should have been a deal breaker right there and then.

[d0nnivain]

He was frustrated & it came out wrong.    The fact that you have been holding on to this for a YEAR is the toxic part.  He apologized & he's not comparing you to her.   The idea that you can't let this one slip of the tongue go after all this time is you poisoning yourself.  

[ferdous12345]

14 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

He was frustrated & it came out wrong.    The fact that you have been holding on to this for a YEAR is the toxic part.  He apologized & he's not comparing you to her.   The idea that you can't let this one slip of the tongue go after all this time is you poisoning yourself.  

He told me he said it to hurt me, he said he wanted me to feel bad too in the moment. 

Edited September 18, 2023 by ferdous12345
Spelling

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, ferdous12345 said:

He told me he said it to hurt me, he said he wanted me to feel bad too in the moment. 

Okay so if he said this^then you should know he didn't mean what he said about his ex.

Besides all of that, just because an ex was better at sex doesn't mean he loves her more.  Not everyone is married to the person they had the best sex with

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, ferdous12345 said:

He told me he said it to hurt me, he said he wanted me to feel bad too in the moment. 

Please run like the wind from this clown. Please talk to trusted friends and family about your concerns.

"He Wants you to feel bad"? There no greater red flag than that. Trust your instincts and end it.

[d0nnivain]

3 hours ago, ferdous12345 said:

He told me he said it to hurt me, he said he wanted me to feel bad too in the moment. 

In that case, run, don't walk, away!   I thought it was a slip of the tongue, bad phasing in the heat of the moment.  Never stay with a partner who Deliberately tries to hurt you.  

[Alpacalia]

I am trying to envision what could have possibly motivated him wanting to purposely emotionally hurt you.

Unless he is the most sadistic sicko this side of the planet, I would dare say his words were motivated by fear and insecurity. Knowing it was your first encounter as a couple and you being sexually virgin I suspect he was just feeling like he was carrying all the weight emotionally for the both of you and wanted you to feel this emotional responsibility as well.

Not cool. It is not very wise to just gloss over this feeling of animosity and hurt inside of you.

In any case, it may be too late for apologies now. To forgive is a choice everybody has to make. It’s hard to really let go of something that hurt deeply.

It is understandable that you want to move on, and will you ever be able to trust him the same way as before?

[ferdous12345]

6 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I am trying to envision what could have possibly motivated him wanting to purposely emotionally hurt you.

Unless he is the most sadistic sicko this side of the planet, I would dare say his words were motivated by fear and insecurity. Knowing it was your first encounter as a couple and you being sexually virgin I suspect he was just feeling like he was carrying all the weight emotionally for the both of you and wanted you to feel this emotional responsibility as well.

Not cool. It is not very wise to just gloss over this feeling of animosity and hurt inside of you.

In any case, it may be too late for apologies now. To forgive is a choice everybody has to make. It’s hard to really let go of something that hurt deeply.

It is understandable that you want to move on, and will you ever be able to trust him the same way as before?

It was insecurity so I understand that a part of him talking that isn’t “him.” However, for the last literal year and 7 months, it’s played in my head over and over and over. And I don’t fully trust when he says I’m incomparable.

[basil67]

6 hours ago, ferdous12345 said:

He told me he said it to hurt me, he said he wanted me to feel bad too in the moment. 

This sentence really needs some context.

On it's own it does not look good at all.  However, I strongly doubt that he would have made this explanation in isolation.  Like, drop that sentence and walk away.   Surely there must have been an actual conversation about what was going on in his head at the time, and hopefully an apology and he's now got his act together. 

The fact that you're still with him a year and 7 months later suggests that the two of you worked this out at the time.  Add to that, you haven't got any other complaints.  What's really going on?

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, ferdous12345 said:

It was insecurity so I understand that a part of him talking that isn’t “him.” However, for the last literal year and 7 months, it’s played in my head over and over and over. 

Actually it is the real "him". Please don't make excuses for abusive treatment because he apologized or he's "insecure" or whatever.

If he's willing to hurt you once he'll be willing to do it again.

Please talk to experienced trusted adults about dating red flags.  You need to get rid of him so you can experience respectful caring relationships. 

[Alvi]

8 hours ago, ferdous12345 said:

He told me he said it to hurt me, he said he wanted me to feel bad too in the moment. 

I was going to tell you to forgive him and to let it go till I read this. Wow, he wanted you to feel bad because you were having difficulties with sex? As in instead of putting you at ease and helping or guiding you? This is not good at all. Please trust your instincts and if they tell you that things are not right then they are not right. I would seriously consider ending things after this comment. Of course, this was said a long time ago but still. Who knows what he is going to say or do next time when he wants you to feel bad. This guy sounds selfish to be honest. And very immature.

I good, caring boyfriend would have told you that he understands and is willing to take things at your pace. But this guy wanted you to feel bad about the problems that you were having. It's sort of like blaming a sick person for being sick and making them to feel even worse. Who does that? Certainly not a good caring boyfriend.

Edited September 19, 2023 by Alvi

[ShyViolet]

According to you, he said this once, he has never done anything similar since then, and he apologized profusely.  This incident happened a YEAR AND A HALF ago.  It's strange that you have been holding on to this for a year and a half, even though he has not done anything like this again since then.  I think a lot of these commenters must have missed that bit of information.  Why would you let once sentence that he uttered a year and a half ago ruin the whole relationship if it's been good since then?

[glows]

Easier doesn’t mean better. It just means something was looser. And what does he expect? You were still figuring it out four months into your first rl.

I also don’t understand why he wanted to hurt your feelings or make you feel bad. Is he jealous and angry with you in some way? Do you have similar backgrounds? That is a horrible thing to say to someone. 

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, ferdous12345 said:

It was insecurity so I understand that a part of him talking that isn’t “him.” However, for the last literal year and 7 months, it’s played in my head over and over and over. And I don’t fully trust when he says I’m incomparable.

Yes. It was an insensitive thing to say.

Accident? Probably.

Every time he asks you why you don't let it drop, ask him instead, "Why did you say it in the first place?" He is the one who provoked that response.

I get why you’re hurt. First, it was a mean, hurtful thing to say. You’d think at 25, he could have had more class and tact. Second, it was incredibly insensitive. Third, it plays into many people’s insecurities about being replaced and discarded. You’re not being too sensitive, because the words didn’t exist in a vacuum; they reflected a certain attitude that’s never good. It really undermined your relationship, and that should always be grounds for re-evaluation. Was he being honest? Did he mean it in some round about way? Maybe he did, because this apology strikes me as he never really thought his actions through.

But, to focus on your goal ... I think you need to address the giant elephant in the room - and that’s why you’re comparing yourself with her. Honestly, it’s super rare that two partners are on the EXACT level when it comes to (for lack of a better term...ahem....getting off) because everyone’s body is different. That’s just how nature is. And you’re setting yourself up for failure if you’re constantly trying to outdo someone before you. So, I think there’s two steps you need to take.

One - you need to (sadly) accept that there will be women that he was with that he may feel like he was more sexually compatible with - at least, for the one or two times that you two have had. No, he shouldn’t have said it, but sometimes, guys - for some stupid reason - say stuff like that when they’re in sensitive positions (for instance - when they’re insecure or things aren’t going good).

It’s not cool -  and 100% not excusable - but sometimes the shoe slips right on out of the door without knowing what to say and having one always RIGHT thing to say. If this was an accident, why would he know to say something so cruel? Because, if he meant to hurt you and did this on purpose, that shows other issues.

The lingering question, however, still in my head, is - how this actually started. Because if this was an accident - that I can get. But if he felt obligated, then that’s another issue entirely - and it makes me question the integrity of your relationship and partner as a whole.

Now, if he’s consistently saying things like “man - that’s not this” - then that’s not ok. If he can’t (and if you can’t) understand that nobody is the same, this will be a difficult future. Second one, and this one may be more important - you need to let him know that these are damaging comments. That this makes you uncomfortable, and that if he continues to make them, it makes you feel like you can’t trust him or that these things can be said in confidence. These are all things you need to bring up in the conversations with him. Hopefully he’ll be understanding and just screening his words, but if not - don’t be scared to escalate it.

Which, to me, also fuels the bigger question. Are you holding back from using that against him? You’ve been very clear though, and your feelings are just as valid - so maybe you need some better resources? Anyway - that’s just my thoughts. Because right now, it seems like you’re trying to salvage the relationship despite actions he did.

You don’t trust him for more than the smallest of decisions, and that’s not healthy either.

Edited September 19, 2023 by Alpacalia

[MsJayne]

11 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Never stay with a partner who Deliberately tries to hurt you.  

This. There's something wrong with spiteful people, they're best avoided. 

[ferdous12345]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

This sentence really needs some context.

On it's own it does not look good at all.  However, I strongly doubt that he would have made this explanation in isolation.  Like, drop that sentence and walk away.   Surely there must have been an actual conversation about what was going on in his head at the time, and hopefully an apology and he's now got his act together. 

The fact that you're still with him a year and 7 months later suggests that the two of you worked this out at the time.  Add to that, you haven't got any other complaints.  What's really going on?

So the context is that he was feeling insecure about struggling with erectile dysfunction, and wanted me to feel bad too/blame me for it. That is the whole context. The rest of the conversation was him apologizing and saying he was stupid for saying it.

To take responsibility myself, no we didn’t work it out at the time. I was extremely caught off guard. I just said “Don’t do that again” and he just said “Sorry” in the way you’d casually say sorry (like passing in front of someone in an aisle of a store). I didn’t address it because the pain was too much at the time. It was also our first Valentine’s Day as a couple, and we had fancy dinner plans after and it all kind of came as a distraction. None of that excuses my lack of communication at the time. Subsequently, I thought I’d be a bad boyfriend if I nagged him about it, but I guess I have ruminated too long and can’t take it anymore.

Edited September 19, 2023 by ferdous12345

[ferdous12345]

6 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

According to you, he said this once, he has never done anything similar since then, and he apologized profusely.  This incident happened a YEAR AND A HALF ago.  It's strange that you have been holding on to this for a year and a half, even though he has not done anything like this again since then.  I think a lot of these commenters must have missed that bit of information.  Why would you let once sentence that he uttered a year and a half ago ruin the whole relationship if it's been good since then?

Because I haven’t been able to fully trust him since then, but I agree with you at the end of the day. I just can’t shake it. Also he still follows his exes on social media and likes their posts—which by itself is fine—but part of me always thinks “what if he sees a pic of them and thinks ‘I wish we stayed, he’s so much cuter than ferdous12345.’” Or that if I take him on a date he thinks “I went to this park before with Ex, it was a much better date.” Etc. I drive myself crazy. And when I try to calm myself down this one comment from a year and a half ago comes back and tells me that he has compared us before.

Truthfully, he did a similar thing about 2 months later. He asked me why I never visited him at work. I told him I didn’t want to distract him and it made me anxious if he got in trouble. He said “Well guess what? My ex used to visit me all the time.” When I asked him about it, he said he said that to make me jealous and to get me to visit him at work.

Do you have tips for how to just let go and trust?

Edited September 19, 2023 by ferdous12345

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, ferdous12345 said:

, he said he said that to make me jealous and to get me to visit him at work. tips for how to just let go and trust?

Why would you want to "trust" someone this manipulative? Unless you're into some sort of fetish about being humiliated, insulated and hurt, why would you put up with this?  What would help you is tips on how to spot red flags and cut your losses early on.

[d0nnivain]

Even if there was context because he has ED, the fact remains you have been hanging on to the pain for a ONE YEAR   That is a long time to carry one comment.  It was powerful comment & the sentiment behind it -- him intentionally trying to hurt you -- is terrible.  

You really need to get a grip on why you are with him and defending him to us.  It's not good for you.  

[ferdous12345]

21 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Even if there was context because he has ED, the fact remains you have been hanging on to the pain for a ONE YEAR   That is a long time to carry one comment.  It was powerful comment & the sentiment behind it -- him intentionally trying to hurt you -- is terrible.  

You really need to get a grip on why you are with him and defending him to us.  It's not good for you.  

I’m afraid I’ll live with extreme regret if I end things over 1 mistake basically almost 2 years ago now (1 year and 7 months). I love him deeply, and I want to trust again, but that hurt lingers and prevents me.

[Alpacalia]

Well, this certainly paints the original situation in a different light.

It seemed initially that it was a one time comment and that he's been the epitome of a good boyfriend since.

He has not only made these comments and comparisons once, but several times.

Sorry darling, but you have not been able to fully trust him because your intuition and logic probably tell you that. You drive yourself crazy because deep down you know better and the universe keep trying to get you to pay attention to what it trying to tell you. By the way, just letting go is not going to work. 

I would seriously suggest cutting your losses and tell him that you appreciate the time you have spent together, but that you really do just need more than he is capable of giving you. You can't just ignore your gut and believe the best because you want to stay with someone. To trust that someone won't hurt you or take you for granted, the proof should have to come truly and repeatedly in the form of actions.

There has been none of that in my opinion thus far.

Trust is not something you can force yourself to do. You either have trust, and that is based on observed behavior that gives you no reason to question it, or you don't have trust because observed behavior has given you reason to question it. Your partner has violated your trust several times he has given you reason to question his words that tell you not to. His words cannot be taken at face value any longer because his behavior clearly contradicts his words. Most likely, since you've shared that you have not spoken with him about your thoughts and feelings about them, his natural defense would be to deny what you suspect. Consequently, "forcing" yourself to trust him again might cause you to ignore certain things that are not quite on the up and up, just to appease both you and him.

[ferdous12345]

42 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why would you want to "trust" someone this manipulative? Unless you're into some sort of fetish about being humiliated, insulated and hurt, why would you put up with this?  What would help you is tips on how to spot red flags and cut your losses early on.

This was 1 year and 7 months ago, and besides those two instances he hasn’t done anything similar. I feel like I should give him a second chance. I also love him deeply and I’m scared if I end things I’ll regret it. Also I’m currently on the lease and can’t easily break it. 

[ferdous12345]

1 minute ago, Alpacalia said:

Well, this certainly paints the original situation in a different light.

It seemed initially that it was a one time comment and that he's been the epitome of a good boyfriend since.

He has not only made these comments and comparisons once, but several times.

Sorry darling, but you have not been able to fully trust him because your intuition and logic probably tell you that. You drive yourself crazy because deep down you know better and the universe keep trying to get you to pay attention to what it trying to tell you. By the way, just letting go is not going to work. 

I would seriously suggest cutting your losses and tell him that you appreciate the time you have spent together, but that you really do just need more than he is capable of giving you. You can't just ignore your gut and believe the best because you want to stay with someone. To trust that someone won't hurt you or take you for granted, the proof should have to come truly and repeatedly in the form of actions.

There has been none of that in my opinion thus far.

Trust is not something you can force yourself to do. You either have trust, and that is based on observed behavior that gives you no reason to question it, or you don't have trust because observed behavior has given you reason to question it. Your partner has violated your trust several times he has given you reason to question his words that tell you not to. His words cannot be taken at face value any longer because his behavior clearly contradicts his words. Most likely, since you've shared that you have not spoken with him about your thoughts and feelings about them, his natural defense would be to deny what you suspect. Consequently, "forcing" yourself to trust him again might cause you to ignore certain things that are not quite on the up and up, just to appease both you and him.

I have spoken about my feelings. He’s deeply sorry and cried and asked for a second chance. I told him I need to think about the relationship.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, ferdous12345 said:

 I’m currently on the lease and can’t easily break it. 

You live together? In that case, you'll have to decide what you can or can't live with. If the problems are truly over, then you may have to rethink things. If it's ongoing,as you claim, you may have to consider therapy to try to work things out in your mind.