My boyfriend compared me to an ex over a year ago, and I still cannot forgive. Should I end things?

[d0nnivain]

If you want this to work and you believe he's sorry then you have to let go.  If you can't let go after all this time especially if he has never done anything this hurtful again the problem is on your end.   Until you trust him you have nothing.  If you can't trust him you have nothing.  I am not saying you should trust him but you can't go on as you are.   Wanting to continue this relationship is incompatible with not trusting him. 

Can you afford the apartment where you live without him or even with a roommate?  If so, kick him out. 

How is the housing market?  If it's hot & there's a waiting list for places like yours, tell the landlord you are moving.  If they can get somebody in fast, you owe no money even on a broken lease.  

[stillafool]

16 hours ago, ferdous12345 said:

It was insecurity so I understand that a part of him talking that isn’t “him.” However, for the last literal year and 7 months, it’s played in my head over and over and over. And I don’t fully trust when he says I’m incomparable.

Then break up with him.  It's clear you will never be able to put this behind you and move forward.

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, ferdous12345 said:

I have spoken about my feelings. He’s deeply sorry and cried and asked for a second chance. I told him I need to think about the relationship.

Think about what? Is this still going on from his end or not?

You're searching his profiles and upping the antenna with his initial insecurity over your insecurity. Think about it. What's the use of not trusting him? What is it getting you?

Edited September 19, 2023 by Alpacalia

[ShyViolet]

9 hours ago, ferdous12345 said:

—but part of me always thinks “what if he sees a pic of them and thinks ‘I wish we stayed, he’s so much cuter than ferdous12345.’” Or that if I take him on a date he thinks “I went to this park before with Ex, it was a much better date.” Etc. I drive myself crazy.

You are literally making this stuff up in your mind.  He hasn't done or said these things. You shouldn't be fabricating pretend scenarios in your mind of "what if he does this" and then drive yourself crazy over it.  Look at how he treats you.  That should be what you look at to decide whether you should stay in this relationship.

The things he said were bad, but if he said them literally a year and a half ago, and has changed his ways and hasn't done it since, then it is irrational for you to be still fixating on them now and not able to let them go.

[ferdous12345]

41 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Think about what? Is this still going on from his end or not?

You're searching his profiles and upping the antenna with his initial insecurity over your insecurity. Think about it. What's the use of not trusting him? What is it getting you?

Not searching his profiles, he tells me. It isn’t ongoing no (the comparisons)

Edited September 19, 2023 by ferdous12345

[Alpacalia]

5 minutes ago, ferdous12345 said:

Not searching his profiles, he tells me. 

And? Doesn't change the fact that you're paying too much attention to his past. I can completely get the small part of you being a bit miffed at his ex’s photos, but you did say you accept he still looks at them and does his liking thing, and honestly...it’s just social media validation, so who really cares, ya know?

[ferdous12345]

20 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

And? Doesn't change the fact that you're paying too much attention to his past. I can completely get the small part of you being a bit miffed at his ex’s photos, but you did say you accept he still looks at them and does his liking thing, and honestly...it’s just social media validation, so who really cares, ya know?

Sorry I thought you accused me of stalking his profile to see who he’s liking. I was clarifying.

Well when he looks at them I can’t help but to think he’d rather be with them because they’re better in some way. And my evidence is that he compared me to his exes technically twice, the sexual one being the more painful one and the one that plays over and over in my head. Yes it was very long ago but I can’t find that trust. 

Edited September 19, 2023 by ferdous12345

[MsJayne]

9 hours ago, ferdous12345 said:

I drive myself crazy.

No, I'd argue that it's him driving you crazy. He put those thoughts in your mind, and your inability to let it go and move on is your gut telling you that this person really couldn't care less about your feelings. Those exes he compares you to could probably tell you a thing or two about how they were treated, because I'll bet a fifty they were made to feel inadequate too. 

[Wiseman2]

26 minutes ago, ferdous12345 said:

Sorry I thought you accused me of stalking his profile to see who he’s liking. I was clarifying.

Well when he looks at them I can’t help but to think he’d rather be with them because they’re better in some way. And my evidence is that he compared me to his exes technically twice, the sexual one being the more painful one and the one that plays over and over in my head. Yes it was very long ago but I can’t find that trust. 

Start looking around for places to move to when your lease is up.  Does he support you financially?

You have a lot of complaints and misgivings about his selfishness, insensitivity and perhaps ongoing problems.

If it were a one time thing long ago, would you still be worried about all this? 

[ferdous12345]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Start looking around for places to move to when your lease is up.  Does he support you financially?

You have a lot of complaints and misgivings about his selfishness, insensitivity and perhaps ongoing problems.

If it were a one time thing long ago, would you still be worried about all this? 

It was a one time thing a year and a half ago (technically 2 but the second time is more minor and happened about 2 months after). I’m having an issue with it still. That’s why I’m posting here, because I’m struggling with moving on.

Edited September 19, 2023 by ferdous12345

[ferdous12345]

10 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

No, I'd argue that it's him driving you crazy. He put those thoughts in your mind, and your inability to let it go and move on is your gut telling you that this person really couldn't care less about your feelings. Those exes he compares you to could probably tell you a thing or two about how they were treated, because I'll bet a fifty they were made to feel inadequate too. 

Compared, he only did this twice about a year and a half ago.an has since stopped. This isn’t ongoing. 

[MsJayne]

27 minutes ago, ferdous12345 said:

Compared, he only did this twice about a year and a half ago.an has since stopped. This isn’t ongoing. 

So, what do you think is stopping you from letting it go? You seem really worried that he'd rather be with an ex, so what is it that put that in your head and keeps it there? 

[ferdous12345]

36 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

So, what do you think is stopping you from letting it go? You seem really worried that he'd rather be with an ex, so what is it that put that in your head and keeps it there? 

My own insecurities, but also just difficulty accepting that he said that to me and made me feel so small. He knew I was insecure about it.

[MsJayne]

9 minutes ago, ferdous12345 said:

My own insecurities, but also just difficulty accepting that he said that to me and made me feel so small. He knew I was insecure about it.

And him knowing you felt insecure, plus it being your first time, etc, begs the question of why he would make such an ugly comment. I've always found, (always!), that when we can't let go of something in a relationship, it's because accepting it requires us to push down our own feelings and beliefs in order to accommodate the other person's version of events, and we do that because if we listened to our own version we'd end the relationship. We know when an acknowledgement and apology are insincere, because the feeling that something's not right just won't go away. I'm a firm believer that when people make cruel comments, they mean it, they're showing who they really are. On the other hand, if you really think that's it's all you and your personal insecurity issues, then maybe counselling might help. 

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, ferdous12345 said:

Sorry I thought you accused me of stalking his profile to see who he’s liking. I was clarifying.

Well when he looks at them I can’t help but to think he’d rather be with them because they’re better in some way. And my evidence is that he compared me to his exes technically twice, the sexual one being the more painful one and the one that plays over and over in my head. Yes it was very long ago but I can’t find that trust. 

It's fine. I just assumed since you knew he still follows and likes his exes posts that you came across it on your own accord. If he's telling you that's a different story. So maybe he's doing that to reassure you or because of some other reason.

In any event, this incident happened a year and a half ago and you chose to remain with him so 2 things: 1) you need to learn to forgive and make peace with freely or 2) you need to leave and not look back.

If you think either of those two situations is beyond reach, just move onto a relationship with someone that you can fully trust. It frees you from the emotional bondage (of his past) that you currently suffer under and allows for a potentially healthier relationship with someone new. Unfortunately him comparing you to his ex during a very intimate moment and then saying he said it to hurt you out of frustration 2 times is a major red flag.

He feels entitled enough and comfortable to say such a sensitive thing as a personal attack / to hurt you.

He repeated it. It's not just a question of trust.

You're suffering from low self-worth and insecurities because of that event. He diminished you and you are focusing on that moment. I would find it very hard to stay with someone who did that to me. He singled you out and said you were bringing him down (just 4 months into the relationship). He could have been unphased-so why was he eventually so exasperated that he'd say anything to you in personal sexual moment?

Sounds like he didn't really want to communicate that openly with you, so there's always another level of subtle slight-ed-ness that will kind of never go away until it's communicated with you. And all else aside, that's the type of communication a couple needs earlier in a relationship. He never came across a barrier he couldn't broach like that. And doing things out of frustration to hurt someone doesn't sound like you're practicing strong/healthy communication.

So if you think counseling and time with heal you (for getting past this) that's your choice. Otherwise, it's no matter because eventually he'll say something dumb in that self centered, insensitive way again that will really demean and hurt you and you're back to square one (which it already seems like you've been at, the past year and a half).

[ferdous12345]

11 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

It's fine. I just assumed since you knew he still follows and likes his exes posts that you came across it on your own accord. If he's telling you that's a different story. So maybe he's doing that to reassure you or because of some other reason.

In any event, this incident happened a year and a half ago and you chose to remain with him so 2 things: 1) you need to learn to forgive and make peace with freely or 2) you need to leave and not look back.

If you think either of those two situations is beyond reach, just move onto a relationship with someone that you can fully trust. It frees you from the emotional bondage (of his past) that you currently suffer under and allows for a potentially healthier relationship with someone new. Unfortunately him comparing you to his ex during a very intimate moment and then saying he said it to hurt you out of frustration 2 times is a major red flag.

He feels entitled enough and comfortable to say such a sensitive thing as a personal attack / to hurt you.

He repeated it. It's not just a question of trust.

You're suffering from low self-worth and insecurities because of that event. He diminished you and you are focusing on that moment. I would find it very hard to stay with someone who did that to me. He singled you out and said you were bringing him down (just 4 months into the relationship). He could have been unphased-so why was he eventually so exasperated that he'd say anything to you in personal sexual moment?

Sounds like he didn't really want to communicate that openly with you, so there's always another level of subtle slight-ed-ness that will kind of never go away until it's communicated with you. And all else aside, that's the type of communication a couple needs earlier in a relationship. He never came across a barrier he couldn't broach like that. And doing things out of frustration to hurt someone doesn't sound like you're practicing strong/healthy communication.

So if you think counseling and time with heal you (for getting past this) that's your choice. Otherwise, it's no matter because eventually he'll say something dumb in that self centered, insensitive way again that will really demean and hurt you and you're back to square one (which it already seems like you've been at, the past year and a half).

Ok. I guess I’ll have to take a day and think about this, without any distractions and just think about what I want and what way forward I see. I’m on waitlists for a couple therapists so that’s not an option very soon, though I’ve been reading two self-help books. Maybe I can find some solace in whatever decision I make. 

[JTSW]

OP, if this has been festering on your mind all this time then this is something you can clearly never let go of.

You are plagued with insecurities that are growing with time.

Maybe you and him can speak with a couples therapist together.

[Els]

On 9/19/2023 at 2:07 AM, ferdous12345 said:

About 4 months into the relationship, we were having sex and it was difficult because I wasn’t relaxing. I was trying my best, and out of frustration he said “This was so much easier with my ex.”

That was an incredibly condescending, callous, and thoughtless remark for him to make. It also signifies a hefty amount of ignorance/entitlement on his part, since, if I'm reading your post correctly, you two are a gay couple and therefore "sex" was probably anal sex with you as the recipient. And everyone should know that being the recipient of anal sex for the first time takes a lot of time and patience, and most people don't even do it all in one night. You haven't mentioned if he's ever bottomed before, but his inability to empathize and put himself in your shoes instead of making a cruel remark about the ex would have been a huge red flag to me.

Now, it has been a long time. I think you need to talk to a therapist about your feelings about this, to try and sort out where to go from here. It's unhealthy to keep reliving this and letting it traumatize you over and over again. At some point you need to genuinely forgive and forget, if you truly believe he is a different person now... or you need to leave.

 

[Acacia98]

On 9/18/2023 at 8:21 PM, ferdous12345 said:

He told me he said it to hurt me, he said he wanted me to feel bad too in the moment. 

Well, he succeeded. And the reason you haven't let go is because it wasn't the equivalent of a playful slap. It was more like a punch. You can tell yourself all you want about how good a guy he is, but the fact remains that he did the emotional equivalent of punching you. 

On 9/19/2023 at 4:02 PM, ferdous12345 said:

This was 1 year and 7 months ago, and besides those two instances he hasn’t done anything similar. I feel like I should give him a second chance.

Is it possible that you come from an emotionally abusive family? Did some/one of your family members often hurt you and put you down when you were a kid? And did you have to tolerate it?

if the answer to these questions is "yes," then it is possible that your boyfriend has done other hurtful stuff to you but you haven't recognized it for what it is because you're used to being hurt.

Edited September 20, 2023 by Acacia98

[ferdous12345]

4 hours ago, Els said:

That was an incredibly condescending, callous, and thoughtless remark for him to make. It also signifies a hefty amount of ignorance/entitlement on his part, since, if I'm reading your post correctly, you two are a gay couple and therefore "sex" was probably anal sex with you as the recipient. And everyone should know that being the recipient of anal sex for the first time takes a lot of time and patience, and most people don't even do it all in one night. You haven't mentioned if he's ever bottomed before, but his inability to empathize and put himself in your shoes instead of making a cruel remark about the ex would have been a huge red flag to me.

Now, it has been a long time. I think you need to talk to a therapist about your feelings about this, to try and sort out where to go from here. It's unhealthy to keep reliving this and letting it traumatize you over and over again. At some point you need to genuinely forgive and forget, if you truly believe he is a different person now... or you need to leave.

 

Trying to get a therapist now. On a couple waitlists

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, ferdous12345 said:

Ok. I guess I’ll have to take a day and think about this, without any distractions and just think about what I want and what way forward I see. I’m on waitlists for a couple therapists so that’s not an option very soon, though I’ve been reading two self-help books. Maybe I can find some solace in whatever decision I make. 

Great.

That aside, what has your boyfriend undertaken during this period to deserve your forgiveness? Has he taken any steps beyond simply refraining from making hurtful remarks?

Forgiveness is wonderfully freeing and all but the fruits of forgiveness cannot be reaped without the participation, loyalty, and intent of the porcupine who stabbed you in the first place.

[ferdous12345]

12 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Great.

That aside, what has your boyfriend undertaken during this period to deserve your forgiveness? Has he taken any steps beyond simply refraining from making hurtful remarks?

Forgiveness is wonderfully freeing and all but the fruits of forgiveness cannot be reaped without the participation, loyalty, and intent of the porcupine who stabbed you in the first place.

He’s apologized profusely, and has said words of affirmation (“No one compares to you” “You're the best partner I’ve ever had and will ever have” etc)

[Alpacalia]

Well, I hope you can get to a place of serenity and forgiveness for YOU.

You're doing this, FOR YOU.

I'm glad that you're prioritizing yourself. You won't forget but you do work towards letting go in the sense that you're not filled with these emotions of feeling like you're not good enough.

Make sure you tell yourself how precious you are and how proud you feel for working towards happiness.

With your boyfriend, it's a matter of having a willingness to try to forgive, that's a different one lol and that takes time too. Him wanting to hurt you is awful and I would suggest if you do want to build trust with him, that you have an open and honest conversation about it, how you feel, and what you need from him to rebuild the trust. And make sure he is genuinely remorseful and willing to put in the effort to make things right. Words of affirmation are good, but I would want to see that he is genuinely working towards making things right and showing you that you are truly valued and appreciated in his life. Not just through words, being compared that you're better than someone isn't really comforting if he still is able to hurt you. But through his actions, consistently and over time and it takes more than just saying sorry to rebuild what was lost.

At the end of the day, it's your decision and we don't know your entire situation and the dynamic of your relationship. But I do hope you prioritize your own happiness and well-being above anything else. Good luck.

Edited September 20, 2023 by Alpacalia