Dealing With Possible Gaslighting Ending From Ex Girlfriend, Cheating, Trying to Heal.

[bigspoon]

I am writing here because I feel like I have nowhere else to turn right now. I feel like I’m going crazy and have no one to talk to, or at least no one that understands fully. So, now I turn to strangers on the internet. I’m praying I can find some supportive and comforting words. I’m not afraid of criticism or acknowledging how I maybe made mistakes. In fact, I have the opposite problem of almost always blaming myself for everything, for seeing fault in me always when maybe I need to be easier on myself.

I am going through one of the worst breakups of my life. And as I say that I know I’ve said that before. You’d think it’d get easier, right? Like, I’ve seen this movie before. I’ve been hurt by women before. I’ve had my heart broken before. Etc etc. But this one was just a whole new level of being lied to and manipulated. Sure, in retrospect I could see and should have seen more of the red flags or “signs”, but as so many of us do, I wanted to believe this girl was honest. And she was, about some things. Namely, the fact that she “wasn’t sure if she could be in a relationship but would try because I’m such an amazing guy”.

I don’t even know where to begin. This will probably be a long post. I don’t want to throw around cliché psychological terms like “narcissist” and “gaslighting”, but I honestly think that I might be experiencing that or have been a victim of that. And I’ve never gone through this before with a woman. To be so blatantly lying to me, and basically call me crazy or make me think I’m the one overreacting. It’s insane what kind of mind-job that does to someone.

Some background: I’m American, I’m in my mid to late 30s. She was/is from Brazil and in the US as “au pair”. For those who don’t know, that’s someone who’s usually a woman from another country that comes to the US to work for wealthier families to take care of their kids, so the rich parents don’t have to as much. Anyway, she’s in her mid to late 20s, for perspective. Before she came to the US, she had an 8yr long relationship. Supposedly, this was her “one and only”, right? First guy for everything i.e., kiss, sex, relationship, whatever. The story goes, she wanted to marry this guy. And in fact, asked him 3x over the course of these 8 years, and each time he said no. Eventually, she says, “OK I’m going to go do this au pair program in the US for 1-2 years” and they break up. Or so I was told. She gets to the US, is alone in a new country, has no friends, is still learning the language, living in a strange family’s house taking care of their kids… within weeks is on a dating app and meets an American guy and they have a 6-7 mo. “toxic relationship”. Again, this is according to her. She said there was no more contact with her ex from Brazil. More to come on that later.

The first American guy proposes to her, and she accepts. Then allegedly it ends because she went back to Brazil to visit family for 2 weeks and her fiancé found out she was at some party where her Brazilian ex was. She says he was angry, yelling at her, and she ended things. She says she was then single for a month before she met me on a dating app…

So, we meet, I hear all these terrible stories about her ex. How he was so awful, traumatized her, treated her like crap, how unpleasant their sex life was, how none of her girlfriends liked him and “got bad feelings about him”, etc. When I came into this same friend group, all her girlfriends and any applicable respective boyfriends were incredibly friendly with me, telling me and her how much more they liked me than the ex, how much more attractive I was, even so far as one of them to try suggesting to her to have a threesome with me and her. NOT MY THING. But weird stuff to share with me, I thought. How much of this was cultural, I didn’t know. I mean, I guess it was flattering, but still. It’s better that a girl’s friend group approves of me than not, for sure. They all befriended me on social media, things were going great.

Then she finds out she might have to leave CO where we lived to work for a new au pair family in NY. I had asked her to be my girlfriend about 2mo in. She said, “well if I stay in CO, we will do that, but if I go to NY I don’t know”. I was such an idiot simp, I even said, “I’ll move to NY with/for you!”. And of course, she was not a huge fan of this idea. She even kept it a secret exactly where in NY she’d be going. First, she said it was NYC, then it was “upstate”, then it was “close to Canada”, etc. I said I’m not asking for your address come on, just curious what city? She’d say it was a “3-hour train ride into NYC”. Well, now I know the truth that it’s much closer. Anyway, doesn’t matter.

To put this in perspective, I’m not unattractive. I’ve had a ton of experience with women. I’ve had lots of monogamous long-term relationships. I’ve lived in women, bought houses, adopted dogs, real serious stuff. And I’ve had plenty of failed first dates and “situationships” that lasted a few weeks or a month or two. Whatever. The point is, I can tell when a girl has high interest or low interest in me. I’ve seen both sides of the coin. What I’m trying to say is how much I loved this woman.

I’m such an idiot, I introduced her to my parents, we took lots of little trips together, I paid for everything, all the time. She always made me feel so masculine and amazing. She would tell me things like, “You’re such a man baby you make me feel so safe” and “You really know how to treat a woman, unlike my ex”. And was always telling me how terrible her sex life was with her ex. She’d tell me like, “well it was good with my first guy in Brazil, then it was horrible with my ex, but it’s next level amazing chemistry with you!”. And one thing I didn’t like, was how she shared so much about our intimacy with her friends. Like, I get it, girls talk about that way more than guys do. But c’mon, she would tell me how she was “bragging to her friends” about “how good I was in bed” blah blah blah. And like I said, she’d always show me messages from her friends tell her all these great things about me.

Sorry to jump around, I’m just in a tremendous amount of pain right now. So she said she needed to be alone when she went to NY, right? Then during our last 2-3 weeks together in CO, she sorta changed her mind and told me, “You know I’m not going to stop talking to you when I go to NY, right?” and I remember our last night together, her going away party with all her girlfriends, when I took her home I asked again, if we could try a long distance thing cuz what we have is so good. And she said yes absolutely. And so we continued to “date”, and basically be “boyfriend/girlfriend” despite her having issues with using those words sometimes. Like, I would post pictures of her and I together on my social media, and she wouldn’t. When confronted about it, she’d tell me all these mental gymnastic things like, “Babe don’t take it personal! You know I just don’t know about being in a relationship and you know I don’t like to share things about my personal life on social media”. Despite the fact that she would post tons of photos with all her girlfriends and was very active with over 1000 followers etc. She’d be like, “No I know all of them”. I’m like, yeah right. Give me a break. And she still had pictures of her and her ex from Brazil together on her social media. So don’t lie to me, right!? You just don’t want to show me and you together because it makes it look like you’re not single. And you like the attention? Who are you hiding me from?

I “met” her parents on video chat many times, we’d chat because they’d call her almost every day and so every time we were together one of them would call and she and I would be in the car or somewhere together and so we’d say hi. Her parents kept telling her how amazing I was, etc.

After she moved to NY, I made a trip to go see her about 2 weeks later. I’d never been there before. Spent a lot of money, airplane, Airbnb, transportation, etc. Took her to nice restaurants, etc. We went for a walk in Central Park and I gave her a nice small little double heart faux diamond ring. Nothing crazy like a promise ring but just something nice. Because in her culture in Brazil, when you are bf/gf, you both wear some type of ring on the opposite hand as when you’re married apparently. And she always LOVED the gifts and surprises I would do for her. Like during our time in CO, I’d always pick flowers during a hike or walk with her, and put them in her hair and we’d take a picture together kissing or something cute. Or I’d find a rock in the river shaped like a heart and give it to her. I was over the moon stupid hopeless romantic silly for her like more than I’ve done or been for a girl in so, so many years.

Before she left for NY I got her a little two hand hugging ring like a “I’ll always be with you” and she ALWAYS wore it. And when I got her the little fake diamond heart thing, she was SO giddy in Central Park. We took a bunch of pictures together, and one of them of us holding hands together showing these things off and she sent it to all her friends and family. And she was showing me their responses to her in real time. Stuff like, “OMG he is AMAZING! He is EVERYTHING! If you don’t date him you are stupid!” stuff like that. It’s like, why are you showing me all these messages but you have trouble saying we’re in a relationship sometimes, but we ARE in a relationship? It was so weird. She’d always say things like, “I am TRYING because I know you’re such a good person and everyone tells me I need to try”. Like, OK.

And like I said, our connection was amazing. I truly thought it was special. Like, I haven’t had those pheromones and that intimacy with someone in so many years I can’t even remember. There have been plenty of other women, but none that sort of “checked all the boxes” in a way that I can always remember 1 or 2 things about them that I just didn’t like that much, but I wasn’t expecting perfection. I was just so surprised with this one. I mean, we’d go to restaurants and she’d be like, “Just order for me babe, I trust you” and that made me as a man feel so amazing. And she loved it all the time when I was so chivalrous and traditional and she’d say things like “I love it when a man takes care of a woman like you do you’re so amazing baby”.

Fast forward to the end, of sorts…. The weekend after I went to NYC, I flew her out to stay with me in CO for Labor Day weekend. Again, paid for everything of course. Even took her to a concert at a famous place for one of her favorite bands she’s never seen. Although it was a little weird how much she wanted to spend time with her friends in CO when she was in town. But I was with her too, but still.

This weekend was sort of the final straw, I guess. And in many ways, I didn’t even know until just recently.

Specifically, I pick her up at the airport on a Friday. I vividly recall leading up to the trip, her texts becoming less “emoji filled” and “sweet”, if you will. Like in the beginning, it was all the love bombing over the top heart emoji cute pet nicknames “have an amazing day handsome!” stuff, right? And leading up to our last weekend together, we’d video chat every night since she went to NY, but when I’d say, “I miss you, can’t wait to see you soon!” she couldn’t even bring herself to say, “I miss you too”. She said it’s “because I’m an Aquarius, and I have no emotions haha jk!” like it was all funny to her. She said, “I don’t even say I miss you to my family, it’s not just you baby!”.

When I’d press her on why she wasn’t using emojis or behaving in the same way, she’d sort of make me feel bad for being so insecure? Like “I call you babe, we talk every day, what more do you want?” I felt awful.

So, little did I know….

I’ll fast forward and then back up. Basically, after a great last weekend together, her plane lands back in NY and as soon as it lands, I get a super long text message ice cold breakup. All the “you’re an amazing person but I’m not ready for a relationship” crap. I’m wrecked, right? But it just gets worse. I thought I was doing OK, healing as best I could from the breakup. She would remove me as a follower of hers on social media, but still follow me. We were broken up, but she’d occasionally forward me posts/memes/pictures on social media about “you’re such an amazing person, just keep doing the good things you do, you have a beautiful heart” stuff. Meanwhile simultaneously texting me,

“You know how to treat a woman, is not your fault, I just can’t tell my heart what to feel. I care about tou and I want you to be happy, we just doesn’t mean to be together, but everything happens for a reason and I think we both learn something with each other.

We can keep talking, but I’ll always pray for you.

Take care pls”

We break up on the 9/4, essentially. But like I said, have these messages and occasional phone calls for a few days. Last week, I get a random message from her EX BOYFRIEND on Facebook! How he even knew who I was, my name, or that she and I were together, I have no idea. She always told me how TERRIBLE he was, how badly he treated her, how her friends and family hated him, how she’s “so cold and heartless” now all because of him. How he played games with her head and heart, etc. Like, she said he never left her alone, even though he was “blocked on everything”. She said he would create new phone numbers and message her all the time saying things like, “you’re going to regret breaking up with me” and stuff. This happened all summer we were together. She’d tell me sometimes like, “hey my ex texted me today, just letting you know”. I told her, “Why don’t you change your number or tell the cops if you’re so scared?” and she’d be like, “yeah that’s a good idea I will if he keeps doing it”. But she never did.

So he’s reaching out to me to basically warn me. He wasn’t reaching out in any malicious way. He was saying, “I just wanted to reach out because she manipulated & used me. And felt she's probably doing the same to you”

And so right, he was. He sent me a screenshot of a conversation between the two of them the same day/weekend she was physically WITH ME Labor Day weekend in CO on the trip I paid for. He said, “She told me she was alone & loved me the weekend she stayed with you. ” and had the receipts to prove it. Sure enough, they were having some kind of casual conversation about where she lived in NY, how safe it was, what kind of cars the neighbors have, blah blah blah. He texts her, “love you” around midnight, and she responds in the morning, “love you too”. This is the same night I brought her home from the airport to my house and she was sleeping with me!!!!!!!

This was HOURS after I picked her up at the airport with a bouquet of roses and a bottle of red wine. What the hell is wrong with me?!?!

So I confronted her about it, sent the screenshot, kinda like “caught you red handed”. To her credit, she calls me. We have a 46min long phone conversation. I’m highly emotionally upset. And literally,  you can’t make this up, she’s saying things to me like, “Trust me I am always honest with you! I don’t love him I was just saying that because I am so so scared of him! He is just trying to ruin my life and now he wants to ruin your life too! Don’t talk to him under any circumstances he just will make things worse!!!!”.

I cannot for the life of me understand if you’re so traumatized, if you’re so scared of someone, if they’re blocked “everywhere”, how are you still communicating with them and responding with “love you too”?!?!?! WHILE ACTIVELY WITH ME?!?! So of course I talked more to her ex, and got more details. Turns out when she was with him, he caught her telling her ex bf in Brazil she loved him too while in bed with him! Like almost a repeat pattern of this now with me and him!!!!!!!!

She is literally peeing in my face and telling me it’s raining. I have never experienced this before from a woman. Like, she’s blatantly lying. If this isn’t textbook gaslighting, I don’t know what is, right? I feel like I’m going crazy!!!!!!! She’s telling me she’s just talking to him because she’s so scared and just trying to “appease him” so he doesn’t continue to try and ruin her life. This is such BS, who believes that?! She even said to me when I asked then why say you love him? She said, “those are just words, I didn’t mean it! I’m always honest with you! And I wasn’t honest with him that’s why he’s so upset!!!!”

Like, make that make sense to me, someone, please. Because that’s as confusing as hell. She would say, “This is te last thing that I want: talk with him”. OK then why are you talking to him?!?! She started sending me screenshots of her telling him via text “Leave C (me) alone, I like him a lot! He knows how to treat a woman! Don’t ever talk to me again!”. And then when she found out I was getting more information from her ex, she said “if you ever want my respect or me to be nice to you, you will NOT talk to my ex or talk bad about me to other people. You look like a kid doing that”.

It's like, OK, you just don’t like your dirty laundry getting aired out, right? That’s what it feels like. You got caught, you are so full of lies I don’t know what to believe anymore. And she makes ME feel bad?!?! Is this what narcissists do? Because I’ve never gone through this before. Truly. It hurts on another level. Yea, you can say you were honest with me “from the beginning” about not being sure about being in a relationship with me, and turn around and pretend like you were “always honest with me about everything”? Because clearly you were NOT! Like, I said why didn’t you tell me you were texting your ex during your weekend with me? She’s like, “Well I didn’t want to ruin our time together”. Give me a break!

I remember joking with her before she moved to NY, I was like, yeah you say you want to be alone but watch in a few weeks you’ll be on a dating app again. She’s like laughing at me, hahaha no way silly boy I told you I need to be alone, I’m always honest with you!”. So, after this stuff came out about her ex… I got curious so I went and checked to see if I could find her on a dating app in her area. And sure enough, guess who was alive and well and active!?! Yep! So I confronted her with that as well. And we talked on the phone again about it.  You want to know her rationale for this?!?!?!

I’m single! I’m not dating! I am only on that app for friends! You know I don’t want a relationship, I told you from the beginning baby! OK then why did you put “my love languages are quality time and physical touch” with a big heart emoji?! PEOPLE DON’T GO ON DATING APPS TO MAKE FRIENDS!!!!!!!

Again, if this isn’t being blatantly lied to and gaslighting, I don’t know what is. You really expect me or anyone to buy these stories?! And again, she’s making ME feel terrible… she even said “stop stalking me and trying to find out about my life!” like getting super defensive. Give me a break, I just checked a dating app to see if you were telling me the truth because I don’t trust anything you say anymore and turns out I was right! I’m not making new phone numbers to contact you when you block me like your ex ALLEGEDLY was doing. Come on.

Then I got the back and forth weird message types from her. I mean, I remember after our 46min conversation on the phone about telling her ex she loved him while with me, she sent me a text message of two different earrings asking which ones I preferred on her. WHAT THE HECK?! In the middle of all this? You ask me which earrings I like better on you? And again referring to WHY she told her ex she loved him, “I’m being 100% honestly with you and I always was. Unfortunately I wasn’t with him, that’s why he’s so mad.” UM, OK.

I even remember that day, that afternoon, she was saying things like, “F this country, I’m so sick of this, I just want to go back home to Brazil, I’m really stressed out!”. OK you’re stressed out that two of your exes started exchanging notes on you and you got found out?

Basically the last messages I ever got from her oscillated between these two nice ones:

“That’s why I decided to broke up with you

You’re handsome, you’re amazing, you always treated me good, you gave me all your love

But I couldn’t give you that back. I decided to stop with you because you deserve someone better. You’re enough, but I’m not. You’re really good, but I not. I couldn’t take care of you and give you all the love you deserve. And yes, I listen to all your audio.

I’m not happy bc I want you to be happy and I know you’re not!

I love the person that you are!”

And:

“And I know I’ll never find someone like you. You treated my like a princess! And I appreciate it, but I can’t make you waste your time or play with your emotions if I know that unfortunately I don’t feel the same. I tried because YOU KNOW HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN AND YOU HAVE AN BEAUTIFUL HEART AND SOUL! You’re amazing, you’re strong, you’re lovely!”

To: “I already said it on the call and now I'm saying it again, stop stalking me, lying to me and talking bad about me to people. Take care and be happy. If it hurt you that I was honest and said that I didn't want a relationship with you, I'm sorry but everything I was was honest. And I don't regret it. I wasn't going to waste your time or my time on something I didn't want. Stop saying I hurt you like I did something bad. All I did was try because you insisted. Anyway, God bless you and stop trying to find out about my life, please.

Take care, be happy!”

 

And that’s basically it. I mean I could go into so much more details. I don’t know if anyone will even read this far. And I seriously appreciate it if you do.

I know I probably could have and should have seen the red flags. But please don’t beat me up too much. I’m not looking for only sympathy, but some human compassion would be nice and just not to feel like I’m going crazy? Like just some validation that she absolutely was and is a compulsive liar and clearly is like, codependent or has some insecurity issues or something where she simply cannot ever be happy talking with just 1 single man. I don’t know. Not trying to psycho-analyze her but I just want someone to tell me I’m not crazy for NOT believing her stories. Her trying to rationalize or explain why she said she loved her ex while with me, why she got on a dating app when she said she wouldn’t and tried to say it’s just to make friends. Like, was I born yesterday? Who believes this?!!?

 

I am hurting so much. It was hard to even get all this written down.

 

I don't know A) if she was ever honest about anything. I guess it doesn't matter. And B) how to move forward in trust and healing, to be able to open myself up and be vulnerable again and try to love another woman. Without feeling like I never know if she's something she's not telling me... lurking beneath the surface.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. How long were you together? Do you think she was looking for residency?

She seems all over the place and untrustworthy. How much did you really know about her and her situation?

Have you heard from her since this happened?

[bigspoon]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How long were you together? Do you think she was looking for residency?

She seems all over the place and untrustworthy. How much did you really know about her and her situation?

Have you heard from her since this happened?

I thought she might have wanted residency, but I doubt it. Because she kept saying how much she couldn't wait to go back to her friends and family in Brazil. Especially when confronted with the cheating, basically, that afternoon said "I'm so done with this country" lol ok maybe you're just done with getting caught being unfaithful.

Those last messages I shared at the end of my post were from her to me this past Friday and Saturday, respectively. And today is a Monday. So yeah.

We were together about 4 months. I know, that's nothing. But it still hurts so, so bad. I got so attached. She made me feel like the only man in the world.

 

I forgot to add in my post, our last weekend together her Mom sent her a message that affected her deeply and she shared it with me. Basically her mom was telling her, "This guy is X years old, he's not a little boy, he knows what he wants, he treats you like a princess! He DOES EVERYTHING you said you wanted from your ex's that they didn't do for you. He is amazing for you, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT / WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR LIFE!?" was the rough translation. And "You need to start treating him better or else let him go because he doesn't deserve this".

 

Who knows if her mom knows she was telling her exes she loved them while in bed with current boyfriends.

Seems to be her pattern. And now since she's in NY a new state, she can start over fresh and not worry about anyone knowing her past!

And how dare I respond to her ex when he was just simply trying to reach out and warn me? 

How dare I "talk bad" about her? "Stop saying I hurt you like I did something bad"

Well, what she did wasn't GOOD! 🥺

YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS UP.

What kind of a person can't see any fault in this!?!?

[bigspoon]

I am just going to randomly post updates, and my thoughts, as sort of a venting outlet, if that's OK.

I want more than anything to send her some sort of nasty, final "last words", if you will. You know? I don't want to call her names or being super aggressive, but I just have a burning desire to "say it like it is" and tell her NO you were NOT being honest with me. The things you did are not what honest people do. You were and are selfish. You're reckless with other people's hearts and emotions. There's a special place in hell for people like that. You are cruel, heartless, cunning, manipulative, and cold. You don't care about anyone but yourself and what YOU can get out of a situation or relationship.

You really expect anyone to believe you when you try to lie your way out of being confronted with the cold hard evidence of your betrayal and lies?

[d0nnivain]

She is a manipulative one that is for sure.  Somewhere in NY she's with your replacement now, telling him how horrible & toxic you were. 

I am so sorry you are in pain but right now your energy has to be on your healing.  You sound like a great guy, loving demonstrative, loyal etc.  She doesn't deserve you.  I just hope she didn't poison the goodness in you. 

Block her everywhere.  Talk to her EX.  Remember, the enemy of my enemy is my friend.  He's been there so he may be able to offer you insights.  

Good luck.  

 

[JTSW]

She knows exactly what she's doing.

She's playing multiple men for attention and what she can get out of them.

She is a serial manipulator and a chronic liar.

Please block her everywhere and don't talk to her anymore.

[BreakOnThrough]

You need to spot toxic people sooner and in a better manner, then take the necessary steps to remove them permanently from your life.

[MsJayne]

Block this awful woman on everything. Sounds like she just uses anyone and everyone who's available to be used. When other people hunt you down to warn you, you can bet there's something to be warned about. 

[Lotsgoingon]

 

Look, I read half and skimmed the rest. 

But I could have stopped after the second or third paragraph. Your whole framework here is wrong. Completely wrong. And it's disempowering to you and clueless and it's time for you to mature and learn how to date. She didn't cause you all this heartache any more than hanging out with a bunch of thieves and robbers (who then rob you) causes a loss.

You chose to proceed, you hit the gas pedal and sped up in the face of a ton of red flags. Flaming red flags.

So let's clarify. Yes, there are people who are victims of chaotic relationships and it can be reasonable to think that their next relationship won't be as chaotic as the previous ones. But where there is a pattern, a pattern, that means the person is participating in the chaos and participating in their own victimization. And even when someone is recently out of an abusive relationship, you have to vet them. They may not be ready for a trusting relationship, and there is nothing you can do. You can be friends, but you don't date people until they SHOW REPEATEDLY that they are really ready to be the kind of partner you want. 

The 8-year-long relationship for a 25 year old. That's a SCREAMING, YELLING, FLAMING red flag. One the longer the relationship, the longer it takes to recover from it and the more you get used to the relationship (it has a hangover).  Two, she's in her mid 20's, what the heck is she doing having already had an 8-year relationship? 

Your alarms needed to be going off right then and there when you learned this information. Something is wrong. She a participant, willingly so, in her own chaotic life. And then she comes here and immediately gets into a 6 to 7-month toxic relationship. Stop right there. No, No, No, No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Any involvement with her once you learned this information means you are not protected by victim status. You chose to involve yourself with someone who has no solid history of healthy, happy relationships.

Did she, by any chance, take responsibility for choosing bad partners? And staying (even 6 months) with a bad partner? Did she tell you all the things she really LOVED about the 8-year relationship? If the person has a history of chaotic relationships (and this applies to you) and they do NOT take responsibility or see their part in things, they are an immature, clueless red flag. This woman did not have a gun to your head. It's up to figure out that she was trouble.  Your dating software is broken because the reaction to her history should have been ick, yuck, don't wanna get involved in this person's mess.

You also fell for the oldest delusions in the book. I'm a good guy, I'll treat her right and everything will be fine. I'll be the hero in total contrast to these previous jerks. That's all nonsense, faulty and silly. In fact, most of the time, the person like your gf actually likes some of the old chaos and toxicity. They are drawn to drama and confusion and betrayal and lies and the rest. A person who really appreciates good guys would likely dump a toxic guy quicker than 8 yeas and quicker than 6 months. 

Time to grow up here. I had an ex tell me I was by far the best guy she had dated. Yep, she had dated a bunch of losers and cheaters. So I got caught up like you did. But here's what I learned. And this is what your ex here is really saying. Yes, you know how to treat a woman and she's saying she's intellectually appreciative, but that's not what she is attracted to. She's attracted to guys who treat her like dirt. Did you get that? I think you're missing that. I later learned my ex was saying all this good stuff about me because she wasn't that attracted to me. If she was attracted, she would have just been a far better partner. She wouldn't have to say what a great guy I was compared to previous guys. Instead, she would have focused her energies on pleasing me and having fun with me. She would have had a look of joy on her face whenever she saw me. And in reality, she did not have joy on her face very often when we were together. 

You say several times that you know you mised the red flags but ...

There is no "but"! Seeing red flags is EVERYTHING in dating. If you ignore flaming red flags you will run into trouble. And the world won't even have sympathy for you. The world has sympathy for people who missed subtle red flags. Her red flags were not subtle. You need to add slow investment to your dating process and imagine that you can hit the gas (which you're good at) but also you can slow things down and stop things, pause totally, until you are reassured. 

You want a model, think friendship. Smart dating is a lot like bonding with a friend. You don't try to persuade the friend to be your friend. You gravitate towards people you really like and who equally like you! You don't hang out with a friend whose previous set of friends were all jerks! No, you keep distance. You get closer to a friend as the friend reveals more and more that they are trustworthy and as they show that they appreciate YOU as much as you appreciate them. 

 

 

 

[glows]

She was never looking for this to be long term, Op. She was telling you way ahead in advance that once she moves to NY she doesnt want to talk with you anymore. That should have been your cue to come to a screeching halt and respect that she sees no future with you. 

She also consistently doesn’t appear to agree to be your girlfriend at any point whatsoever. You were a casual dating partner and it was fun while it lasted. The end goal doesn’t sound like it ever was meant to end in a white picket fence or any exchange of rings - real or faux. Giving that as a gift was highly inappropriate as well seeing as she didn’t consider you a boyfriend. 

If I had to guess she enjoyed meeting someone new after moving to the US. She didn’t get along with her ex and wanted a change. By accepting a position in NY and by insisting she doesn’t want to talk after the move to NY, she’s telling you it’s over. The romance limped along in large part due to you not being able to let go and she may have found it difficult to cut it off abruptly.

Regarding her ex, it was a low blow for him to reach out and for both of you to bother confronting her. It’s none of his business what she’s doing if he so much as suspects her at all. Instead he is just as manipulative as her, went behind her back to discuss with you. This is tit for tat in a giant gong show. Next time instead of showing someone screenshots and other nonsense just stop and end communication. There is nothing to talk about. She is clearly not interested in dating you already and chose to leave for another state. All her actions are consistent down to being vague about her location. A person who does this doesn’t want to be followed and has a fear or suspicion the other person cannot take no for an answer. I believe she let things continue with you because leading men on for whatever reason is her modus operandi - frankly to me it looks like it comes from a deeply fearful and insecure place. She doesn’t feel safe around men.

Take a deep breath and lean on close friends. Take care of yourself and leave her alone. She’s not interested and doubt she ever was. 

Edited September 23, 2023 by glows

[Wiseman2]

On 9/18/2023 at 5:41 PM, bigspoon said:

. There's a special place in hell for people like that. 

It's good you can vent here. She seems like a scammer. All you can do next time is think with the head on your shoulders and not be dazzled by looks or exotic entertaining excitement.

[IrinaM]

You seem to place a lot of stock in your emotions and make decisions based on how you feel. It just seems like she was never interested in committing to you and that should have been obvious, but because it felt so good, because she "checks all boxes," because it just felt "right" or something you just kept on. This isn't good. Feelings fade. Make decisions based on observations and facts.

Another thing: the part where she was showing you her friends' texts about what a great couple you are. I'm sorry I just find that totally immature. The fact that she even cared what her friends think, and also that she's showing you texts that were meant for her. That's strange for a grown adult woman.

It also kinda seems like you seized on very small minor pieces of encouragement and chose to ignore giant red flags. Like, for instance, finding it encouraging that her friends texted her "you should go out with that guy," but ignoring that she's sharing with you messages intended for her, which indicates a lack of loyalty and trustworthiness. Or ignoring her telling you that she's moving away soon and she won't tell you where. Or ignoring that you found her on dating apps while she was supposed to be committed to you. Ignoring relevant facts his isn't good decision-making strategy. What did you think would happen? (I'm not saying that to be sarcastic, I mean seriously, what direction did you see this headed?)

Maybe try and think about what you could do different next time. I just don't think it's productive to try and convince yourself that she's a "narcissist" or something. It really is your responsibility to protect your own heart, and also your responsibility to seek out and  build the relationships you need in your life. Stop communicating with her ex-boyfriend. I'm not trying to be mean, I promise, but you both seem very drama-prone and immature for adults in your age range. I'm just not seeing a "good guy" and a "villain," more like a multiple people engaged in something resembling a reality tv show. Again, I know you're looking for far more sympathy than that, but I just don't see how it helps you to pretend you haven't played a role in all the chaos and heartache.