My Father's Losing His Memory and Becoming Toxic

[Jerry4u]

Growing up, I had a toxic relationship with my father.  He used to tell us (siblings) that he never wanted children but had them for my mother.  I would describe my father as being too honest and an open book.  We grew up feeling unwanted and he never took interest or invested any time in us.  This eventually turned into a toxic relationship while in my teens and throughout my 20s when my father told me he didn’t care if he ever saw me again and he never wanted me.

In my 30s, my father and I reconnected when I started my own family.  We could coexist when we connected as fathers and I was rarely existent in his life.

Now I’m in my late 40s and my father is in his mid 80s.  He has early Alzheimer’s/dementia and it’s like he’s reverted back to when I was younger.  He’s easily aggravated over imaginary problems and tells me he doesn’t care if I was dead.

It hurts that I let him back in my family’s life and I don’t know if I’m overly sensitive because he has dementia and doesn’t understand how he’s behaving.  I don’t want him to die alone, but I also don’t want my final memories of him being hateful towards me.  Part of me feels like the next time I see him will be at his funeral.  Another part of me wants to believe that he can become tolerable while his brain is deteriorating.

Edited September 19, 2023 by Jerry4u

[glows]

This is tough because families pull through the rough times drawing on the memories of good days. It sounds like you had no good memories of your father and your relationship with him is running on fumes.

How close do you live to one another geographically? Does he have help, is he in assisted living or any plans for that? 

He seems angry and resentful in the past towards your mother. I suspect he’s had this pent up but couldn’t disrespect her so he took it out on you. What was your parents’ marriage like?

[d0nnivain]

You have bad history which is triggering you.  

Your father's behavior now is part of the disease process.  It's not him talking.  You need to educate yourself about Alzheimer's & dementia.   Try Alzheimer's Association | Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Help    www.alz.org     He can't help what he's doing or saying.  Understand the condition before you write him off.   Many people who were loving, open, kind & loving parents get combative & mean as a result of this disease.  Show some compassion.   You helping a vulnerable sick person in his time of need is you showing your children how to treat you when you get older.  

[Jerry4u]

6 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You have bad history which is triggering you.  

Your father's behavior now is part of the disease process.  It's not him talking.  You need to educate yourself about Alzheimer's & dementia.   Try Alzheimer's Association | Alzheimer's Disease & Dementia Help    www.alz.org     He can't help what he's doing or saying.  Understand the condition before you write him off.   Many people who were loving, open, kind & loving parents get combative & mean as a result of this disease.  Show some compassion.   You helping a vulnerable sick person in his time of need is you showing your children how to treat you when you get older.  

Thank you for your reply.  This is life changing advice!

[Alpacalia]

This must be so tough for you. I'm so sorry about your dad. It's really hard when you've had a toxic relationship but then there's this understandable sense of wanting to be there for someone as they near the end of their life. I totally get that. But then the way he's treating you is just...his disease.

I worked for someone for a year with a severe form of Dementia and I am most likely going to be doing care work with dementia patients starting in a few months. I know there is lots of info online that gives you a scope of what dementia patients can do. And they can be sometimes wildly unpredictable in their moods. I booked off work before starting my job and made sure I had a clear conversation with him and his daughter while caring for him.

Centered around what you envision for your father when he does pass away, what exactly do you feel is a “happy medium” between seeing him or not seeing at all? 

Maybe it involves resetting your heart and mind and recent memories and why it is important for you to try to be around him to care for him in the first place. 

The woman I work with lost her father, brother, and sister to the same form of dementia and she started a support group for people who are dealing with similar situations like your own. 

The internet can only offer so much. You are actually doing exactly what you need to and its good that you care so much that you are researching and asking. You’re not naïve, but at the same time you’re honestly caring and blessed and so grateful. 

Maybe hold the pendulum, it does not have to completely swing to one side or the other, it can remain balanced. 

Start by asking yourself this, if this were anyone else and not your father, would you bother to keep in touch with and care for them as they approach their last days? That is they key question. And you should carry on doing what you’re doing if it feels right.

[d0nnivain]

53 minutes ago, Jerry4u said:

Thank you for your reply.  This is life changing advice!

You're welcome.  My mom had it & my MIL has it now.  Neither one does the combative thing.  With my mom it was just sad.  My MIL has the sexually inappropriate part.   When the brain gets scrambled you never know what will happen.  

It's hard.  Seriously.  You need a ton of patience -- more than I have -- and a lot of external support.  If there is any possibility to get a home health aide, they are worth their weight in gold.  

[d0nnivain]

13 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

if this were anyone else and not your father, would you bother to keep in touch with and care for them as they approach their last days? That is they key question. And you should carry on doing what you’re doing if it feels right.

 As I shared in another post my mom had dementia and my MIL has it now.  The answer is HELL NO.  There is no way on earth I would have put up with 1/100 of the garbage those 2 put me through if they weren't family.   

It's a disease, like cancer or a heart condition.  You don't care for them because they deserve it.  You care for them because they are family & it's the right thing to do.  There is a reason Honor Thy Father & Thy Mother is a Commandment.  

[Alpacalia]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

As I shared in another post my mom had dementia and my MIL has it now.  The answer is HELL NO.  There is no way on earth I would have put up with 1/100 of the garbage those 2 put me through if they weren't family.   

It's a disease, like cancer or a heart condition.  You don't care for them because they deserve it.  You care for them because they are family & it's the right thing to do.  There is a reason Honor Thy Father & Thy Mother is a Commandment.  

Sorry to hear that. The person I cared for wasn't that extreme. I don't think I could have handled it 24X7. I think the hardest part was seeing how much he was suffering  and how locked in he was. 

My mother suffered from an addiction and she didn't have her mind at the time. It was rough at times catching her in a lies, seeing her stuff, going from being angry to crying because I knew in my own heart this was tough for her. I felt trapped because I didn't have the support system like I do now.

Caring for someone with dementia is a huge challenge and can be emotionally and physically exhausting. It's important to have a support system in place to help you through it. I hope you're in a better place now and have the support you need.

[Jerry4u]

I appreciate everyone’s feedback and personal stories/perspectives.  This has helped me tremendously in understanding my father and how to support him (it’s the disease, not my father).  My initial pain was because for 30 years I hated my father because I tried so hard to get him to love me and ultimately failed.  Then I had 10+ years where it was as if my father became human and I got my storybook ending, where he did care about me.  More recently, I felt betrayed and that deep down he still regretted me and I was devastated.  Your perspective on how the disease controls his actions have greatly helped and I can cope with his agitation and verbal aggression knowing that it is the disease.

Edited September 19, 2023 by Jerry4u

[d0nnivain]

There are book, resources, support groups etc.   Avail yourself of them @Jerry4u There's a reason they call this the long goodbye.  It's heart breaking.   Eventually the disease kills them because the brain forgets to tell the heart to beat & the lungs to breathe 

 

My mom & I had struggles for most of my life.  So like you I had a hard time being there for her but now a decade after she died, I'm glad I was.  I have peace knowing I did the right thing, because I'm a good person despite how I was raised.  

[Alpacalia]

That's good to hear.

It took me a long time to forgive my mother for her past transgressions but I did it because I realized that holding onto anger and resentment was only hurting me. My mother is also a human being and she deserves my love and forgiveness, regardless of her mistakes. I learned to let go of the past and focus on our relationship in the present. It hasn't been easy, but it has brought us closer together and made us both happier. I don't know that I will ever fully understand or agree with some of her choices, but I have learned to accept them and move on. Of course, I still have my moments when something painful resurfaces but I hope I have learned to deal with it differently.

I hope that you are able to do the same for your own sake and for the sake of your relationship with your father. I'm sorry that he was not able to mend his relationship with you before he became ill and no doubt you're in a very difficult place right now but I'm sure that he would want you to find peace and closure in your heart. I can't imagine what it must feel like for someone to feel that they regretted me that much but I also know that people are complex and don't always know how to express their feelings in the right way.

I hope that you can find it in your heart to come to a place of healing and understanding. You deserve to be at peace and to move forward with your life. 

To look back in the past with what happened between you and your father, you don't have time for that nor the energy. You know? Keep forward momentum in your life and try to focus on the good memories you have of your father. He may not have been perfect, but he was still your father and he loved you in his own way.

Take care of yourself.