Moving out and back in

[Sucks2suck]

My 8 year old son and I had been living at my boyfriends house for over a year. It was our home and things we're wonderful. When my bfs adult son needed to move in, I packed my stuff and went to my parents house the next day. His son was only suppose to be there a month or two TOPS. A month later, his single and pregnant daughter and two grandkids moved in with him as well...

Next month, will mark a entire year I have been living in my parents basement with no signs of when his adult kids are moving out.

How long is enough? And what the hell do I do about it?! I love him dearly but I can't wait forever for him to have a home together again.

[d0nnivain]

His kids will always come first.  They aren't leaving so if you don't want to be one big happy family with him, your son, his kids & the grandchildren, you have to either get your own place out of your parents' house or give up on him.   If you can't or won't deal with his kids, why are you even with him?  Family is a package deal.  

Do you not see the irony in your situation?  You are complaining about his kids moving in when you moved in with your own parents?  

[JTSW]

4 hours ago, Sucks2suck said:

How long is enough? And what the hell do I do about it?! I love him dearly but I can't wait forever for him to have a home together again.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do.

His children will always come first and be his priority.

You either have to accept that you won't be living with him anytime soon or move on.

As you have your own young child you really should be thinking about securing a home for you and him.

If you keep waiting for this man and living in basement it is going to affect him.

Edited September 19, 2023 by JTSW

[Weezy1973]

I think your expectation has to shift to him always prioritizing his kids and grandkids. Can you afford a place on your own? You should move out of your parents place (if you can afford it) and get your own place if you want time alone with your boyfriend and your son. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Sucks2suck said:

My 8 year old son and I had been living at my boyfriends house for over a year. Next month, will mark a entire year I have been living in my parents basement with no signs of when his adult kids are moving out.

How long have you been dating? Where did you and your son live before? Are you still seeing each other?  

Do you work? Where does your child go to school? Does his father pay child support and have visitation/custody?

Please don't wait around for your BFs situation to change. He clearly wanted you out and unfortunately decided displacing you with family was the best approach. 

Please rethink the relationship and please find stable accomodations for you and your child. 

Sadly this is the problem when moving into someone's house. It's never "your house", you have no legal rights and can be thrown out at any time. 

[glows]

Is there some backstory missing? Your partner and you were living together and then he watched you upheave you and your young child just like that for one extra body, his adult son moving in? Am I hearing this correctly? I find it odd that you were expected to leave as if your sense of stability or your son’s doesn’t matter. Why did you move in with him in the first place? Did you need a place or was it out of convenience early on? A person who sees you in his life and respects you would not have done that.

It doesn’t look like they’re leaving any time soon. There’s clearly been some understanding between him and his children that they are welcome at his house at the expense of his new relationship and to stay long term for any number of reasons. Is he recently separated or divorced or widowed? Where is their mother? 

And where is your son’s father?

What do you do? 
Find your own place and build your own home with your son. I would not place a lot of significance on this new relationship. It’s been two years but the way you’ve been displaced so casually after one year makes me think your partner doesn’t think highly of you nor does he care for your well-being or treat you as family. The priority is really creating a sense of stability and security for your son especially since he’s only 8 and just a child. Your son is your priority. Not this guy or his relationship with his adult children. I suspect that if he expected you to move out a year ago he also expects you to maintain your own home and you both are nowhere near to building a future together or living together. The first year was a coincidence out of convenience and nothing else.

[Sucks2suck]

3 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Can you afford a place on your own? You should move out of your parents place (if you can afford it) and get your own place if you want time alone with your boyfriend and your son. 

I could afford if I moved us out of town. Price of living is high in my town but I don't want to leave right now. My son is doing so well at his elementary school and can't take that away from him. I don't get much help from his father with raising him so my job works around my schedule with taking care of him full time. I know my parents don't want me there but fortunately the basement has three big bedrooms and its own bad and laundry. We only share the kitchen with my parents upstairs. So it's not the best but it's definitely not the worst for us right now until I can find something better or move out of town.

[Sucks2suck]

4 hours ago, JTSW said:

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do.

His children will always come first and be his priority.

You either have to accept that you won't be living with him anytime soon or move on.

As you have your own young child you really should be thinking about securing a home for you and him.

If you keep waiting for this man and living in basement it is going to affect him.

This was the straight forwardness I really needed to hear! Thanks so much.

[Sucks2suck]

2 hours ago, glows said:

Is there some backstory missing? Your partner and you were living together and then he watched you upheave you and your young child just like that for one extra body, his adult son moving in? Am I hearing this correctly? I find it odd that you were expected to leave as if your sense of stability or your son’s doesn’t matter. Why did you move in with him in the first place? Did you need a place or was it out of convenience early on? A person who sees you in his life and respects you would not have done that.

It doesn’t look like they’re leaving any time soon. There’s clearly been some understanding between him and his children that they are welcome at his house at the expense of his new relationship and to stay long term for any number of reasons. Is he recently separated or divorced or widowed? Where is their mother? 

And where is your son’s father?

What do you do? 
Find your own place and build your own home with your son. I would not place a lot of significance on this new relationship. It’s been two years but the way you’ve been displaced so casually after one year makes me think your partner doesn’t think highly of you nor does he care for your well-being or treat you as family. The priority is really creating a sense of stability and security for your son especially since he’s only 8 and just a child. Your son is your priority. Not this guy or his relationship with his adult children. I suspect that if he expected you to move out a year ago he also expects you to maintain your own home and you both are nowhere near to building a future together or living together. The first year was a coincidence out of convenience and nothing else.

There is a bit of a backstory. His adult son has never truly got to know me and has a problem with the age gap (21 years) between his father and I. He absolutely despise me and the way he talks about me completely out of lines and plain mean. He doesn't respect me or his father's at all. He acts proud to be such an ass towards our relationship. 

This response are making so much sense to me and I don't know why I couldn't see the situation in black and white before.. I don't deserve to not be treated like family when that's all I want to have for my son and I. I want a family. We should never have to be felted like an option.

 

[Sucks2suck]

9 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

His kids will always come first.  They aren't leaving so if you don't want to be one big happy family with him, your son, his kids & the grandchildren, you have to either get your own place out of your parents' house or give up on him.   If you can't or won't deal with his kids, why are you even with him?  Family is a package deal.  

Do you not see the irony in your situation?  You are complaining about his kids moving in when you moved in with your own parents?  

Yes. I see the irony. I also agree strongly that family is a package deal. I love his family and would do the work to be one big one together. But his children, don't want to give that any chance. I truly believe is adult son experience some trauma when his parents divorced when he was young and he didn't get to be with Dad very often from now he is very territorial and to be honest. It's really strange how much they want him home and they want to hang out with him constantly or we're freak out when he leaves the house to be with me. It drives my boyfriend CRAZY most days because they're adults and don't have their own lives and just hang off of him constantly!

[stillafool]

12 minutes ago, Sucks2suck said:

I don't deserve to not be treated like family when that's all I want to have for my son and I. I want a family. We should never have to be felted like an option.

Does your bf know the above?  If so, why hasn't he married you and adopted your son?

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Sucks2suck said:

 It's really strange how much they want him home and they want to hang out with him constantly or we're freak out when he leaves the house to be with me. 

Unfortunately your BF is the problem and driving all this. Hopefully things work out for you and your son. It's good you have a decent place to stay for now. Step far away from this BF and his adult children. 

[JTSW]

1 hour ago, Sucks2suck said:

This was the straight forwardness I really needed to hear! Thanks so much.

I am a person that is always straight to the point but I never mean any offence

[d0nnivain]

With the additional info I understand why you don't want to live with his son.  Problem is, your BF should have laid down the law with the son a long time ago.  At this point the kid is running your relationship & that probably won't change.  

Do allow your son to stay in the elementary school for this school year but have a plan to move to your own place by June or July so he can hopefully make a new friend before Sept. 2024.  

Maybe this is the impetus you need to find a better relationship with somebody new.  

[glows]

13 hours ago, Sucks2suck said:

There is a bit of a backstory. His adult son has never truly got to know me and has a problem with the age gap (21 years) between his father and I. He absolutely despise me and the way he talks about me completely out of lines and plain mean. He doesn't respect me or his father's at all. He acts proud to be such an ass towards our relationship. 

This response are making so much sense to me and I don't know why I couldn't see the situation in black and white before.. I don't deserve to not be treated like family when that's all I want to have for my son and I. I want a family. We should never have to be felted like an option.

 

It doesn’t sound like his children respect him. He doesn’t seem to know what he wants either which is why I asked earlier if he was recently separated/divorced or widowed because his behaviour is scatterbrained. He’s dating a younger woman 21 years his junior stringing her along one year after you were forced to leave while pandering to a rude son who doesn’t appear to be able to support himself. And there are multiple of them including a single mother daughter with kids she also can’t raise on her own. We don’t know her background and maybe her stay is temporary and she has plans or her attitude towards life and respect for her father differs from her sibling. Is she hostile towards you as well or indifferent?

My suggestion would be to think long and hard about the type of future you want for your son and yourself. Do you want to be tied to dysfunction and disrespect in multiple relationships in one family or do you see yourself in a more fulfilling relationship of mutual respect, people your son can grow up to admire and have as role models as well. You are his mother and his first teacher and he will learn from your decisions too.

Edited September 20, 2023 by glows

[MsJayne]

My two cents worth.....I'm currently living in my partner's, (tiny), house while mine is being reno'd, and I can tell you this, if he told me I had to leave so that one of his adult kids, or both, could move in, it would the the end of the relationship. If they were children, yep, no problem, but adults, nope. I would take it as an indication that he wanted me to move out but didn't want to confront the real issue.  Depending on the length of your relationship and the status of it, while kids of any age are always a priority for parents, there's times when partner comes first, and this would be one of them. Of course, the circumstances under which you moved in are also relevant. If you previously had your own comfortable place and he invited you to move into his, it's not fair to move you out to make way, but if living at his was meant to be a temporary thing then he might have been wondering how much longer you were planning on being there. 

[JTSW]

16 hours ago, Sucks2suck said:

His adult son has never truly got to know me and has a problem with the age gap (21 years) between his father and I. He absolutely despise me and the way he talks about me completely out of lines and plain mean. He doesn't respect me or his father's at all.

Knowing this has given a bigger picture of the dynamic.

This very immature adult son of his either has the wrong idea about your relationship because of the age gap, or he is jealous that his father is giving his attention to someone else.

Either way, you'd be better off well away from the whole family.

None of them respect you, not even your bf.

If he did, he wouldn't have made you leave.

[Els]

On 9/20/2023 at 1:27 AM, Sucks2suck said:

I don't get much help from his father with raising him

The bio dad doesn't just get to decide to not be involved with his own son. Why are you enabling this instead of filing for child support?

As for your bf, he doesn't really owe you anything, I'm afraid. He's not the reason why you're living with your parents. You need to find a way to get your own place if you want to move out of your parents' place. And it might be worth breaking up with the bf while you're at it - it doesn't sound like he respects you much, and his adult son probably picks up those behaviours from him.

[BaileyB]

On 9/20/2023 at 12:52 AM, MsJayne said:

if he told me I had to leave so that one of his adult kids, or both, could move in, it would the the end of the relationship.

I 100% agree with this. 

Adult child who is in a tough spot or between moves and needing a place to stay temporarily - sure, as long as they were respectful to me. But I’m not moving out, they are not staying long term, and not if they are disrespectful to me in any way. It would be the end of the relationship, full stop.

Edited September 30, 2023 by BaileyB