Fairly socially fluid but this deserts me around someone I like.

[Aquarius9]

Ill try to make this short. Begun a new job recently and there's someone there that I like. (I don't understand the don't date colleagues thing, so many people I know met their partners through work. No-one around here cares)

So anyway, I'm quite outgoing and I also think I'm a good conversationalist, I've had plenty of practice. People might think that I'm trying to be someone I'm not in what I'll say below, but I'm actually trying to be myself - I know I can be confident and have been many times before. I just get chocked up around this one person and things start to desert me.

The ones that I'm not interested in at my job, I can speak to them more easily. With the one I like, depending on that specific interaction, I get stage fright around her and I'm making my voice lower which is annoying and monotone - I need to stop doing that.

I don't want to be the shy guy - I want to impress her. When she's around, my mind will go blank and then I'm always thinking 'Think of something to say to her! Don't look shy! Get involved in the group conversation!' I literally dunno what to say to her sometimes.

Me and this person have spoken quite a few times now, but it fluctuates with how good I am - sometimes I'm good in conversation with her but still shy, other times, I wish I'd have been more confident. Today, one interaction went really well from me - it was much more brash than usual. Wish I could keep that going.

My mind will go blank as well when others are around us. It's like I'm letting the others dominate the conversation, but I don't actually want that to be the case - I want to be prominent in front of her too. I want to get more involved in those wider staff room chats, even if its just talking to the others so that this person can see.

I need to take it up a notch. Not in anything inappropriate, just in being better around her. If I walk into the staff room when she's there, I want to say more than "Yeah I'm doing alright thanks" in some lowered voice; I want to continue the conversation. Or if she's walking past, more than just a quick greeting. And I definitely want to get more involved in those group conversations.

Any tips? Thanks alot.

Edited September 19, 2023 by Aquarius9
Correction

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Aquarius9 said:

. Begun a new job recently and there's someone there that I like. I don't understand the don't date colleagues thing, so many people I know met their partners through work. 

Slow down. While it's great you're friendly and outgoing, since you just started there, focus on integrating yourself in the work culture more. You don't want to come off as the new kid on the block trying to be the office skirt-chaser.

Even though you think it's ok to date coworkers not everyone wants messy workplace romances. Take a deep breath, be polite and professional with everyone, perhaps have lunch and coffee breaks with more people.

Edited September 19, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Aquarius9]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Slow down. While it's great you're friendly and outgoing, since you just started there, focus on integrating yourself in the work culture more. You don't want to come off as the new kid on the block trying to be the office skirt-chaser.

Even though you think it's ok to date coworkers not everyone wants messy workplace romances. Take a deep breath, be polite and professional with everyone, perhaps have lunch and coffee breaks with more people.

Sure, it's not a brand new job, the first period of being new as such has passed.

I know I can do better than I am right now.

[d0nnivain]

Let me explain why you don't date co-workers.  

1.  everybody at work will be in your business all the time 

2.  when you break up you still have to work with them 

3.  having your SO at work is a distraction.  

4.  if you show favoritism to each other it will disrupt team / company harmony 

5.  If things really go back post break up your EX could damage you professionally by claiming sexual harassment 

 

As for you clamming up & not being top notch to impress her you are putting too much pressure on yourself & it's backfiring.  What you also don't understand is that most people are so busy being self-conscious about themselves they don't see anybody else's imperfections.  They are simply happy that somebody is acknowledging them. Most people are focused on what they are going to say next to notice what you are doing 

 

My recommendation is that you not fish off the company pier.  

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Aquarius9 said:

I don't want to be the shy guy - I want to impress her.

How about you stop trying to impress her and just be yourself.  Your real self.  And let the cards fall where they may.

[Weezy1973]

35 minutes ago, basil67 said:

How about you stop trying to impress her and just be yourself.  Your real self.  And let the cards fall where they may.

Yup, this is exactly it. Stop trying to impress - just be yourself. Talk to her like anybody else. She might not be interested in you, but that’s okay. You wouldn’t want to date somebody who isn’t interested in the real you anyways.

[Foxhall]

4 hours ago, Aquarius9 said:

'Think of something to say to her! Don't look shy! Get involved in the group conversation!' I literally dunno what to say to her sometimes.

Its usually more natural flows more easily if the person is a suitable match.

[basil67]

@Foxhall is right.   Good conversation only happens when both parties make effort to establish conversation and to keep it flowing.  

Does she ever initiate conversation with you?  How is she at holding up her end of the conversation?

Edited September 19, 2023 by basil67
grammar

[Lotsgoingon]

You have to stop evaluating yourself. I've studied and taught storytelling, the worst thing you can do is evaluate your speaking.

 don't want to be the shy guy - I want to impress her.

This is your problem right here. Stop trying to impress her. All that's doing is making you nervous and tightening you up. You're choking, thinking when you should be just going with a flow. If you and this woman are a good fit, then you will be a good fit with you not trying to impress her. You don't even know her, how the heck would you know you are impressing her? You don't know the way she thinks.

I'm a really confident conversationalist. And what gets me going is just to say what I'm really thinking and feeling (with some editing to get rid of garbage thoughts). But I ask the questions I really am curious about. I make comments that really strike me as honest. I show curious about topics that truly interest me. There are a few times in my life where I can think I truly botched conversations and those were when I was guess what?---trying to perform. Trying to win someone over saying something catchy that I didn't really think or feel.

Now ironically you perhaps have something going that's good. Your nervousness and fumbling with words--she probably notices that A LITTLE BIT. To the extent she notices, she might guess that you're interested in her and feel flattered. 

Here's another piece that might help you. Let's say you're terrified and totally bumbling your words, the other person isn't focused on that. I've seen people speak and do a great job and then afterwards I'd learn that they were 9/10 level nervous. Our brains don't really notice nervousness like you think. We're screening for what people are saying (if it makes sense) or for other elements of their body language and tone. 

Just relax and smile at this woman. Say hi. It's ok to be nervous. Totally ok. Go very simple with your shares. Actually you can communicate and impress to use your words if you don't listen carefully to her when she's talking and you smile and indicate you are enjoying her words. 

[glows]

Are you able to nudge her off the pedestal a bit because you’ve got her somewhere up there so high up I think part of her is in outer space. This woman is just a person like any other. Do you mind me asking what is it about her you like so much? Is it her looks or does she have similarities to you/shared background or outlook on life?

[JTSW]

Firstly, has she shown any indication that she may be interested in you?

Secondly, as Wiseman said, slow down.

You are in a new job and your priority should be working to prove to your bosses that are worthy of this position.

Focusing so much on a girl there will distract you from your job. 

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Aquarius9 said:

 I want to be prominent in front of her too. I want to get more involved in those wider staff room chats, even if its just talking to the others so that this person can see. I need to take it up a notch. 

Actually, you're doing fine and don't need to "take it up a notch".  There's no reason to strut around the new workplace trying to impress her.

Just be approachable polite professional and friendly to everyone there and soon enough you'll make friends and fit in.

Keep in mind, she's there to get a paycheck and do her job.  She isn't there to boost egos or be in awe of anyone's prowess . The workplace isn't a singles club to practice  pickup artist theories at. 

Enjoy your new job and coworkers but try to broaden your social horizons s bit as far as dating goes.

[smackie9]

You don't want to "impress her"...that's putting her up on a pedestal. That's a beta male thing to do so cut it out. Sometimes women are more attracted when you are cool/ aloof, with small bits of attention...push and pull. So stop over thinking this crap. You just keep your interactions brief by just asking her how her day is going...light and simple. before you know it, she will try to be in your space. 

[Alpacalia]

I need to get tips from my guy because he is so sexy with how he talks it gets me all the time he does it.

One time, he brought it to the bedroom with us and I was so turned on I couldn't believe it.

I'm sorry I know that's not at all related to this but I don't know how he does it and he's just naturally good.

So yeah, when he talks to people, he is really passionate about what he's saying. But he doesn't even have to try and I think that's what's so sexy about it. If you can just embrace who you are and be proud in front of her, and talk to her about something you really like, and feel good while you're saying it. Talk about something that gets you excited or something you really love to do. Hopefully you're more confident if you really love something you're talking about.

And then maybe she'll be inspired to talk about things that she loves too, which I'm sure she'll have a lot of things to add.