Does my boyfriend really loves me?

[Cclhxx]

I am in the state where I cannot describe my relationship with my boyfriend now. He kept saying he loves me but in the same time he doesn’t want to commit in the relationship. I realized that i have anxious attachment style that make this relationship became worst and that he told me he couldn’t deal with me in this timeline.

That’s why i seek for a mental health care to help me cope with my anxiety as I don’t want to make my boyfriend to go through this because i really don’t think that he deserves to be treated like this. While I’m trying to recover, given prescribed antidepressants etc, he then told me that it’s best just to stay friends now because he wants to prioritize his self development and he don’t want to jump to a committed relationship like this and rather wait till we both are fully ready.

Does he really loves me? I mean that time when we weren’t together as a boyfriend and girlfriend, i told him already and he’s aware that i have anxiety disorder and i was traumatized by my past relationship. But he keep convincing me to accept his love and become his girlfriend. 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Cclhxx said:

 he then told me that it’s best just to stay friends now because he wants to prioritize his self development and he don’t want to jump to a committed relationship 

Sorry this is happening.

How long have you been dating? How old is he?

What do you mean by "committed relationship"? Exclusive dating (only each other) or something more?  

It's great you're taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health. 

What does he mean by "prioritize his self development"? Is he working? Going to university? 

Do you each have jobs? Do both or either of you live with parents? Unfortunately he seems to be backing out of the relationship. He seems to care about you but isn't ready, willing or able to give you what you want. 

Step back and give him space. However reconsider if staying friends is a good option, since he may start dating others.

[Cclhxx]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening.

How long have you been dating? How old is he?

What do you mean by "committed relationship"? Exclusive dating (only each other) or something more?  

It's great you're taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health. 

What does he mean by "prioritize his self development"? Is he working? Going to university? 

Do you each have jobs? Do both or either of you live with parents? Unfortunately he seems to be backing out of the relationship. He seems to care about you but isn't ready, willing or able to give you what you want. 

Step back and give him space. However reconsider if staying friends is a good option, since he may start dating others.

He is 35 and we’ve been dating for almost 4 months now. 
 

what I mean about committed relationship is me and him are willing to prioritize each other and looking forward to discuss a future plan together. 
 

He said that he wants to prioritize on his business establishments and his own personal well being right now and he has no time for me or even to have a relationship romantically with other person, if we might broke up. He told me to be friends because he don’t want me to be upset that he will be 24/7 tied up to his business and feel neglected as a girlfriend.

before he told me that he wants to prioritize his business. He really prioritize me, he puts me on top of his priority until all my anxiety disorder change his point of view. 
 

He said that he loves me just because he cares for my welfare and that’s about it. He said the spark has gone. 

[stillafool]

said he has said the spark is gone a n d he doesn't have time for it's over.  Get therapy for your own well being

not to keep your boyfriend because there are no guarantees with men.

[d0nnivain]

Unfortunately the English language only has one word for love.  My take is this guy enjoys your company & he doesn't want you out of his life but he's not IN LOVE with you.  He's giving you the brush off when he says things about prioritizing his business & you two just being friends for now.  If you were all that & a bag of chips, he'd be moving heaven & earth to lock you down into a exclusive serious relationship.  Since he's not you have to assume that this is just casual for him & he'll be gone as soon as he meets the woman he really wants.  

Sorry.  😔

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Cclhxx said:

He said that he loves me just because he cares for my welfare and that’s about it. He said the spark has gone. 

Unfortunately this is a breakup.  After 16 weeks dating sometimes people just don't feel it's a good fit and things fizzle out. Try not to take it personally. 

It seems he cares about you as a person but doesn't see this as a viable romantic relationship.  It would be best to stop contacting him and focus on your physical and mental health. Stay busy with friends and family and work and your other interests.

[MsJayne]

6 hours ago, Cclhxx said:

Does he really loves me?

As a friend, maybe, as a partner, no. It sounds like he's trying to let you down gently because your anxiety and depression are negatively affecting him, and he's been honest about the spark disappearing. If you're going through mental health issues it's best to avoid looking for committed relationships because your state of mind and associated behaviours can be overwhelming for a new partner. Stick with your mental health care plan and focus on getting yourself to a better place, caring for yourself and improving your self-esteem so that in the future you can approach new relationships with a different mindset and be less emotionally dependent.

 

[Alpacalia]

Look, we all have our limitations.

It's not his job to take care of your mental health.

He doesn't have to. He's not your therapist. He's not your savior.

You need to take responsibility for your own mental health and not rely on your boyfriend to "fix" you.

It's not fair to expect him to deal with your anxiety and put his own self-development on hold because of it. It's an unfair burden for him to carry. As for whether or not he loves you, only he can answer that question. But it's clear from his actions that he cares about you and wants what's best for both of you.

Take some time to work on yourself and your anxiety, and if the two of you are meant to be together, things will work out in the end. But don't place all your expectations and needs on him – take care of yourself first.

[glows]

No. Dump. No commitment = no relationship. It’s that simple. Don’t wait. Don’t look back. Bye.

In regards to “love” it doesn’t matter. He’s not interested in a relationship with you. A good friend once told me a long time ago - “maybe” always means NO. Move on with your life and stop waiting for someone who has excuses.

[Cclhxx]

10 hours ago, stillafool said:

said he has said the spark is gone a n d he doesn't have time for it's over.  Get therapy for your own well being

not to keep your boyfriend because there are no guarantees with men.

It seems so hard to accept this fact especially when i wanna heal myself for him. But I realized now that i should get over it for the sake of my mental health 

[Cclhxx]

6 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Unfortunately the English language only has one word for love.  My take is this guy enjoys your company & he doesn't want you out of his life but he's not IN LOVE with you.  He's giving you the brush off when he says things about prioritizing his business & you two just being friends for now.  If you were all that & a bag of chips, he'd be moving heaven & earth to lock you down into a exclusive serious relationship.  Since he's not you have to assume that this is just casual for him & he'll be gone as soon as he meets the woman he really wants.  

Sorry.  😔

He once did that before, he showed me how it’s feel like being loved again. He done everything for the sake of my happiness but this anxiety of mine pushing him away. But he told me that he don’t want to be in any kind of relationship anymore not even trying to find somebody else and that he will wait till we are both fully ready and having stable mind.

I don’t know if I can trust him about this, or am I just being a denial all this time 

[Cclhxx]

5 hours ago, MsJayne said:

As a friend, maybe, as a partner, no. It sounds like he's trying to let you down gently because your anxiety and depression are negatively affecting him, and he's been honest about the spark disappearing. If you're going through mental health issues it's best to avoid looking for committed relationships because your state of mind and associated behaviours can be overwhelming for a new partner. Stick with your mental health care plan and focus on getting yourself to a better place, caring for yourself and improving your self-esteem so that in the future you can approach new relationships with a different mindset and be less emotionally dependent.

 

I avoid it at first, I told him that I’m having anxiety to start a relationship again but he convinced me so hard to accept his love, I saw it with my own eyes what he had done, all those efforts he made is like moving mountain and breaking the wall just to get to me. I felt being loved again but now he has changed

[Cclhxx]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

Look, we all have our limitations.

It's not his job to take care of your mental health.

He doesn't have to. He's not your therapist. He's not your savior.

You need to take responsibility for your own mental health and not rely on your boyfriend to "fix" you.

It's not fair to expect him to deal with your anxiety and put his own self-development on hold because of it. It's an unfair burden for him to carry. As for whether or not he loves you, only he can answer that question. But it's clear from his actions that he cares about you and wants what's best for both of you.

Take some time to work on yourself and your anxiety, and if the two of you are meant to be together, things will work out in the end. But don't place all your expectations and needs on him – take care of yourself first.

I am aware of this and that’s why I seek for professional’s help as I don’t think he deserves to deal with me in this state. But I feel upset when I tried my best to heal for him and what I get as a return is that he gave up on me

[Cclhxx]

29 minutes ago, glows said:

No. Dump. No commitment = no relationship. It’s that simple. Don’t wait. Don’t look back. Bye.

In regards to “love” it doesn’t matter. He’s not interested in a relationship with you. A good friend once told me a long time ago - “maybe” always means NO. Move on with your life and stop waiting for someone who has excuses.

I’m thinking about this lately, I’m still preparing myself for this. I am not ready

[glows]

3 hours ago, Cclhxx said:

I’m thinking about this lately, I’m still preparing myself for this. I am not ready

Ready for what though. Preparing for what. It’s already here and you haven’t faced it. Kindly, the decision is already made. He’s not interested in dating you. It’s painful facing this but continuing to live in denial will be more agonizing, living in a repeat cycle or living a lie. It’s not recognizing it’s not working and he’s moving on. If he doesn’t want to commit to a relationship with you he’s also not your boyfriend.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, Cclhxx said:

But I feel upset when I tried my best to heal for him and what I get as a return is that he gave up on me

That's quite a heavy expectation for a boyfriend of just 4 months, though. 

He was right to end this if he was not happy and didn't see a future together. It's not about "giving up" on you, since he doesn't owe you that. You two tried dating and it didn't work out. 4 months is enough time to understand whether it's a match or not, and he realizes that it's not (for him)

4 hours ago, Cclhxx said:

I’m still preparing myself for this.

What is "this"? A break-up? Because if so, that has already happened, girl. He's already ended it. 

[JTSW]

7 hours ago, Cclhxx said:

But I feel upset when I tried my best to heal for him and what I get as a return is that he gave up on me

You don't heal for other people, you heal for yourself.

Anxiety and depression will never fully heal, it stays with you always but you find ways to comfortably cope with it.

He didn't give up on you, he was feeling negatively affected by you and made the best choice he could for the both of you.

You are not ready for a relationship OP.

You need time to focus on you and find yourself. 

[stillafool]

10 hours ago, Cclhxx said:

I avoid it at first, I told him that I’m having anxiety to start a relationship again but he convinced me so hard to accept his love, I saw it with my own eyes what he had done, all those efforts he made is like moving mountain and breaking the wall just to get to me. I felt being loved again but now he has changed

I think you are over stating this relationship.  If he loved you he wouldn't let you go but wait and work with you.  He's only known you 4 months and isn't nearly as invested in this as you are and that is why he's now lost feelings.  Your problems are too much for him to handle considering the short time he's known you.  I agree that you shouldn't even be dating until you get help for your anxiety or this will be a recurring problem for you.