An I okay to date other women she said in a text she isn't interesting in dating anyone back in January?

[petrolheadno1]

Can I date other women?

 

Please tell me if am cheating or not by dating other women.

 

Here is the outline of the timeline of event and important facts.

 

I met a Chinese woman in December 2022 in a clothing shop. Approached her and started a conversation and sent for a coffee shop (i.e. an instant date), exchanged numbers.

 

In January 2023, we went for dinner to my favourite restaurant and started holding hands.

 

Since then we have pretty much texted everyday. Good morning with misses, virtual hugs.

 

In May have visited Birmingham for 2 days we stayed in a hotel and slept on same bed.

 

We have been to Leeds for 3 nights, hired a car and travelled around June.

 

End of August 2023 we went for 4 nights to Belgium and we have a trip booked to Austria to go in November for 5 nights flight and tickets are already booked.

 

I have also stayed around her house on 2 occasions and she has planned more occasions. We take turns to cook for each other when we stay around.

 

Another pointer is that we used to meet up, go for day trips to museums, day trips to somewhere like Bath, Salisbury, Brighton, etc. Sometimes we go to various bars and restaurants. We always get on, she always laughs at my jokes and we have shared stories and built a connection. 

 

We also have a bucket list of things to do like playing badminton, tennis, ping-pong, visiting various restaurants, bars on a Google Doc and we tick off after we complete it.

 

Eventually we ended up meeting up once a week around March/April time. When we meet up we are holding hands, kissing. When I let go of this woman's hand, she always re-takes it. She also has a photo of us together as her screen saver. 

 

This woman also was talking about going to US next year and was asking me whether I prefer Florida, LA or New York and talking to her work place about booking leave and sending me dates and asking me to ask my boss if I can get leave. 

 

We currently don't live together. 

 

Am I okay to date other women?

 

Let me point out some things she has told me by text there are her exact words which could express disinterest in me:

 

In January 2023 she said “I do not want to date anyone, for me it is a waste of my time” “I spoke to my cousin about this I don’t want to date anyone, until I am in my 40s”

 

In February 2023 “A few days ago I discussed with my friend why I am not interested in dating anyone anymore, and you pointed out the things I said a that time, they put a lot of resources to make up my mind, see if you are that person”

 

In March 2023 she asked me how I felt when I kissed her, I told her how I felt and when I directed the question again, she replied “I am thinking if I kiss this guy will I give him hope already Will he think we are in a relationship after that. What if I want to escape very soon”

She also said after I told her I'm close to my mother "Oh I don't have time for another mamas boy and to depend on anyone". 

 

Again those were her words.

 

Can I date other women? If she found out I will just refer and show those text messages.

 

Please give your opinion on this and feel free to ask any questions.

Edited September 21, 2023 by petrolheadno1

[basil67]

You are worrying about the wrong woman!   The woman you're meeting has no right to be upset given her declarations.  But no new woman in her right mind would date you if the close friendship and vacations with the woman you're currently seeing continues....especially with the history of bed sharing and kissing.   

If you want to see others, I suggest you stop seeing the the current woman first.   Tidy things up and move on

[petrolheadno1]

Just now, basil67 said:

You are worrying about the wrong woman!   The woman you're meeting has no right to be upset given her declarations.  But no new woman in her right mind would date you if the close friendship and vacations with the woman you're currently seeing continues....especially with the history of bed sharing and kissing.   

If you want to see others, I suggest you stop seeing the the current woman first.   Tidy things up and move on

So why did she say strictly she is not interested in dating anyone in that text? What relevance does that have?

[basil67]

I feel like you misunderstood my message.   I'm talking about there being potential issues with any new woman if you keep the existing one around

[JTSW]

Current woman is clearly telling you that she's not interested in a relationship with you.

She just thinks of you as a friend.

You've never been exclusive with her so feel free to date whoever you want.

Don't continue these trips with the current woman though.

 

Edited September 21, 2023 by JTSW

[petrolheadno1]

18 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Current woman is clearly telling you that she's not interested in a relationship with you.

She just thinks of you as a friend.

You've never been exclusive with her so feel free to date whoever you want.

Don't continue these trips with the current woman though.

 

I live about 90 minutes away from her and she keeps referring to our thing as a "long distance relationship". Another thing when we went to Birmingham I told her I'd like to move there and she said "I prefer we moved to Newcastle or Leeds". And when we were in Leeds she was saying we should buy "This sort of house" and as I'm into property development and so he she she is talking about "Oh we should invest in buying a run down house and do it up and sell it". 

I did ask her in April "I told her I like her would you be my girlfriend and she said she is 70% in?". 

She without fail texts me good morning with a kiss. 

If I don't text for a few hours she would ask if I'm okay and sat I'm disappearing. 

So despite the above am I okay to date and smash other women?

[JTSW]

11 minutes ago, petrolheadno1 said:

So despite the above am I okay to date and smash other women?

I really hate the word 'smash'. It's so degrading to women.

She is the one you need to honest with and talk about this with.

Tell this current woman that 70% in is not good enough.

She is either 100% in or not at all.

She can't have it both ways.

Just go and date whoever you want because she you're not in a relationship with current woman.

You're not obligated to hang on a string because she can't decide if she's all in.

 

Edited September 21, 2023 by JTSW

[petrolheadno1]

8 minutes ago, JTSW said:

I really hate the word 'smash'. It's so degrading to women.

She is the one you need to honest with and talk about this with.

Tell this current woman that 70% in is not good enough.

She is either 100% in or not at all.

She can't have it both ways.

Just go and date whoever you want because she you're not in a relationship with current woman.

You're not obligated to hang on a string because she can't decide if she's all in.

 

Sorry if I offended you thats just urban slang and how we talk around here.

Edited September 21, 2023 by petrolheadno1
spelling error

[basil67]

20 minutes ago, petrolheadno1 said:

I live about 90 minutes away from her and she keeps referring to our thing as a "long distance relationship". Another thing when we went to Birmingham I told her I'd like to move there and she said "I prefer we moved to Newcastle or Leeds". And when we were in Leeds she was saying we should buy "This sort of house" and as I'm into property development and so he she she is talking about "Oh we should invest in buying a run down house and do it up and sell it". 

I did ask her in April "I told her I like her would you be my girlfriend and she said she is 70% in?". 

Ok, I get it.  This isn't about dating others...it's about the woman you're not officially dating.

Simply tell her you want yes or no.  Committed or not.  Stop or go.   If she won't commit, then end it.

[JTSW]

7 minutes ago, petrolheadno1 said:

Sorry if I offended you thats just urban slang and how we talk around here.

It's ok, it's just my general preference on that word lol

[petrolheadno1]

No so I used to date an older woman (yes I had a mistress lol). and she has asked to go to Cornwall with me next week. But as Im seeing this Chinese girl and well we see each other regularly and she refers to me as her 'partner", in our conversations, however she has not introduced me to her family or friends. 

The only thing is if I stop texting this chinese woman, after 5 hours she is like "where are you?" "are you still alive?". Whereas if it was January or February for example, I could get away with not texting this Chinese woman for a few days, go away on a 3 to 4 day getaway with another woman and do my ting and this Chinese woman would not be the wiser. 

[JTSW]

Just now, petrolheadno1 said:

No so I used to date an older woman (yes I had a mistress lol). and she has asked to go to Cornwall with me next week. But as Im seeing this Chinese girl and well we see each other regularly and she refers to me as her 'partner", in our conversations, however she has not introduced me to her family or friends. 

The only thing is if I stop texting this chinese woman, after 5 hours she is like "where are you?" "are you still alive?". Whereas if it was January or February for example, I could get away with not texting this Chinese woman for a few days, go away on a 3 to 4 day getaway with another woman and do my ting and this Chinese woman would not be the wiser. 

Do you even want to be official with the Chinese lady?

[petrolheadno1]

45 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Do you even want to be official with the Chinese lady?

There is a possibility. 

[JTSW]

1 minute ago, petrolheadno1 said:

There is a possibility. 

Then you need to be straight with her.

Tell her that she is either in completely or you're both out and move on.

[petrolheadno1]

But in the interim can I go away with this older woman I used to see to Cornwall? Will I be cheating on this chinese woman?

[JTSW]

1 minute ago, petrolheadno1 said:

But in the interim can I go away with this older woman I used to see to Cornwall? Will I be cheating on this chinese woman?

It's not cheating if you're not official.

It honestly sounds more like a friendship than anything else.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, petrolheadno1 said:

 I could get away with not texting this Chinese woman for a few days, go away on a 3 to 4 day getaway with another woman and do my ting and this Chinese woman would not be the wiser. 

If you prefer not to be exclusive, just say so. Are you dating someone else? She seems to treat you as a friend so maybe she's dating others as well. Is this the same woman?:

 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, petrolheadno1 said:

No so I used to date an older woman (yes I had a mistress lol). and she has asked to go to Cornwall with me next week. But as Im seeing this Chinese girl and well we see each other regularly and she refers to me as her 'partner", in our conversations, however she has not introduced me to her family or friends. 

The only thing is if I stop texting this chinese woman, after 5 hours she is like "where are you?" "are you still alive?". Whereas if it was January or February for example, I could get away with not texting this Chinese woman for a few days, go away on a 3 to 4 day getaway with another woman and do my ting and this Chinese woman would not be the wiser. 

Then you need to have a conversation with the Chinese woman.  Tell her that you've been invited away by someone else and you want to know how she feels about it.  If she says that she doesn't want you to go, but refuses to commit to a relationship, then tell her to stop wasting your time

[d0nnivain]

If you asked in January 2023 I would have said you can date anybody you want.  Now, 9 months later no matter what label she refuses to put on it, you are dating.  She can call it anything she wants but the behavior is dating.  Then the Q becomes are you exclusive?  IMO you are not exclusive until you sit down, talk about it & both agree that you will not date others.  Problem is she won't have that conversation and if she does, she will say "of course you can date somebody else, we're not dating" (even though by deed you are dating) but in her head she will be screaming, see petrolheadno1 is just like everybody else & I can't trust them.  

 

It's up to you but you IMO these are your choices: 

1.  keep doing what you are doing, dating without the words but this is sort of a limbo where you can't genuinely progress & you prevent yourself from meeting the right person due to all the time you are wasting with her

2.  date others, don't tell her & show her the texts with her own words if she complains

3.  force the issue & try to get her to commit.   You force the issue by saying, something like "Hey, what do you think we're doing here?  I like you.  I enjoy spending time with you & I think you are having fun too.  I know in the beginning you said you didn't want to date anybody but I think things have been going in that direction for a while.  Our trips are fun.   What do you say we call a spade a spade & admit we're dating?"  Kind of put her on the spot in a nice way & show her how her actions bely her words.    

4.  break things off &  date whomever you want, preferable somebody who can at least admit you are dating 

[petrolheadno1]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Then you need to have a conversation with the Chinese woman.  Tell her that you've been invited away by someone else and you want to know how she feels about it.  If she says that she doesn't want you to go, but refuses to commit to a relationship, then tell her to stop wasting your time

Is it important that she knows?

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, petrolheadno1 said:

Is it important that she knows?

Well you don't seem serious or exclusive with either one so if you want to date other women you're free to do so. However it seems you have more contact now and want to think of a way to escape that. That's the problem with text tethering.

[petrolheadno1]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Well you don't seem serious or exclusive with either one so if you want to date other women you're free to do so. However it seems you have more contact now and want to think of a way to escape that. That's the problem with text tethering.

That's the issue. Like I go away next week to Cornwall and if I don't text her while I'm away she would be double and triple texting me and when she next sees me she will probably demand an explanation. She would say stuff like I've disappeared and stuff. 

There were some other women I used to date in the past I could go a week of no talking and I'd ring then up and be like "Yo babes what's up? Wanna link?"  Everything was all good. No drama.

[glows]

First of all please stop identifying her by her ethnicity all the time. I get the sense you’re disrespectful in the way you treat women by your language and this woman while she seemed to be playing hard to get at first, may actually be quite attached to you.

She said those things about not wanting to date in early 2023 - Feb and March. It’s now seven months later since Feb 2023. We’re in the month of September. It seems during that time you’ve both spent quite a bit of time and have traveled. If she hasn’t said the same things about not wanting to date recently it’s very likely she’s having a change of heart. 

What puzzles me is why you won’t point blank tell her that you want to date other women. I’ve never had this issue when for ie a romance is fading or you’re finding something is missing. Be clear and upfront that YOU are the one who isn’t interested in dating exclusively. 

I also have to wonder if you’re getting emotionally attached and are looking for ways to protect yourself by diversifying your dating and seeking other women. In other words whether you’re worried about getting your heart broken so you’re already checking out. 

Talk with her and see where it goes. If she’s not mature enough to have an honest conversation and the courage/faith to be vulnerable and open with you in what she wants she is a waste of time. 

[NuevoYorko]

Stop wasting your time with this woman, and date others. But stop seeing this one first.

[Alpacalia]

Based on what you've shared, it looks like you've been in a pretty serious relationship with this woman since you met her back in December 2022. You two have been on trips together, spent nights at each other's places, and even talked about future plans. She's also made it clear she's not interested in dating other guys and has referred to your connection as a "long-distance relationship."

Now, despite her saying she's unsure about going all-in on a relationship, her actions are telling a different story. Even if she claims not to want to date exclusively, her behavior suggests otherwise. Imagine how she'd feel if she found out you were seeing other women, especially considering you've been acting like a couple and making future plans together.

If she has one foot slightly out the door I would think it is because you're too much of a risk to settle for a lady like that when you can't even discern and handle such a clearly above average situation. You're 70% in and 30% out and you want to add more risk. Furthermore, it is not fair to date and "smash" other women while also leading this woman on and potentially causing her emotional pain.

If you genuinely care about her and respect her feelings, you probably shouldn't be getting involved with other women. If you don't see a future with her and want to date other people, it's best to have an honest conversation with her and respectfully end things instead of stringing her along.