How do I overcome the complications of dating and avoid drama?

[Lamron300]

Hi,

I have been dating on and off for the past 5/6 months. I am in a situation where I don't know the best way to proceed. I don't lack confidence, my main anxiety with dating is the unknown, which I guess everyone is subject to. To avoid disappointment, I am going with the flow as people say dating is a numbers game. Yesterday I went on two dates, one in the morning, one in the evening. The first date is someone I had been on five dates already with and the second was a first date. 

On dates, my issue is I always want to impress and persuade, which isn't the right thing. I try and be myself but also there is difference between nice convo and light flirting to see if there is a 'spark'. I actually asked my second date yesterday if I seem nervous and she said yes. I wasn't nervous, but was interesting to see she perceived it that way (she didn't say it was a bad thing). We had been talking back and forth prior to the date for a few days all day via phone and voice messages, convo was flowing back and forth. Only difference in real life is when in a bar over a drink I feel in interview mode. Got to the bar at 6.30pm and left at closing time at 10pm. It Is quite difficult to make convo with a stranger for 3.5 hours, especially when you've talked a lot on the phone beforehand. I never know what to suggest with dates. I see some people on their profiles say 'instead of drinks lets go zip gliding, ice skating etc'. I think thats too high investment for something which may not work out. At least with a drink its low effort and can be brief. 

I have a date booked with someone I am really keen on. We have been speaking since last weekend. She is on holiday, so she asked if I want to meet next weekend. We have spoken a lot via text. She said she has never had as good a chat with anyone she has matched with on online dating. I am overthinking things. For example I waited for her to give me her number when we were speaking on the online dating app and I waited for her to ask me out. Subconsciously, I dont wan't her to think I am not proactive or confident. It is very deliberate on my part. I don't ask for peoples numbers on OLD anymore as in the past my phone ended up with people who ghosted, sometimes within a couple of hours of exchanging numbers. I don't just want anyone on my phone/social media. I also didn't ask her out first as I am now trying to speak to people a bit longer, see if I am excited about their personality and then ask them out. Also because I'm already keen on her, I feel like I'm going to put so much pressure on myself going into the date.

To summarise, I am going on lots of dates with different people to avoid the disappointment of dating. Dating is a numbers game. However, it isn't making me feel any better as 1) There is potential for drama 2) In my head I know what I want, just not how to get it 3) I am still getting sidetracked by apps and forgetting to meet people organically, maybe I would feel less pressure in real life?

I am seeing dates as 3 hour windows to impress and getting anxious as previous good conversations via phone heighten my expectations of the dates. I don't want to play games like not talking to someone everyday (even if they message me first) as date is a week away, but I feel building up expectation doesn't end well.

[Alpacalia]

I wonder if you find yourself genuinely liking the people you're dating, or if you're going on multiple dates with the intention of leaving a lasting impression. Alternatively, are you approaching these dates as opportunities to explore various connections and discover what feels right for you?

You say it's to avoid disappointment but are you enjoying the process of getting to know these new people? I guess what I am saying is I wonder if going on dates with people just to avoid disappointment if the right approach for you. The point of dating is to see if there is a connection or compatibility with someone and if not, move on to the next person.

I wouldn't want to be dating someone I genuinely don't have an interest in just to fill a "numbers game". But that's just what feels right for me. Everyone approaches dating differently. I think it's helpful to figure out what your own intentions and expectations are before going on these dates. Are you genuinely interested in these people or are you just going on dates for the sake of it? And if you are genuinely interested, try not to put so much pressure on yourself to impress and persuade.

Just try to enjoy yourself and see if there is a natural connection.

And if not, that's okay too.

[d0nnivain]

Let's a address a vocabulary issue 1st.  IMO there's a difference between a 1st meet off OLD & a 1st date.  They are 2 different activities. 

The reason you are having difficulty making conversation with a match over 3 hours is that is too much time.   1st meets are low effort & not to exceed 1 hour.  They are only to ascertain if you want to go on an actual date.   The 1st meet can be a drink, coffee or ice cream.  Short, low commitment & easy to get out of or expand if cupid strikes.  

The actual 1st date can be one of those more active things so you are doing something & any conversational gaps aren't as awkward.  They don't have to be expensive.  It can be a short hike & a mini picnic; or strolling though a small local museum.  That is still probably cheaper than dinner & drinks. 

Buy a burner phone for dating or use an app with a different # then your real mobile. .  Then give out that number, worrying less about ghosters or having too many people in your phone.  When you move to exclusive, give them the real #.  

Conversation is an art.  Work on it.  Come up with some basic get to know you questions that don't turn it into an interview.  There will always be interview aspects to initial dates.  It's how you get to know somebody. 

Lower your expectations.  Drama only exists when you care & are invested.  It's too early.  Go with the flow.  If they show up & are fun, great.  If not, there's always tomorrow & somebody else.  

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

 I am going on lots of dates with different people to avoid the disappointment of dating. However, it isn't making me feel any better 

It's great you're getting a lot of dates, however you seem to have too many irons in the fire to actually avoid the purpose of dating, which is to connect to someone.

It does seem a bit like drama trying to keep track of all this and it seems to just be a way to feel like you've got a lot of options, making each one relatively disposable. It's a safety dance. 

[Weezy1973]

It takes a bit of time to relax when you’re transitioning to the “numbers game” approach. The key is having that abundance mentality. If it doesn’t work out with one person, there’s plenty of more prospects.

@d0nnivain had a lot of great tips in her post. Try not to worry about impressing and just be yourself. Focus on getting to know your date; a starter topic I used a lot when online dating was actually talking about online dating. How has her experience been so far? Any good horror stories? It’s something you know you already have in common. 

[glows]

Three hours is too long. I’m curious by what you mean “disappointment of dating”? Is it that the person isn’t compatible with you or becomes disinterested? Are you making up for a void in your life or are you happy, stable and confident regardless if you meet anyone or not? 

You say you know what you want but do you know what you want in another person - are there character traits and overlapping hobbies and interests you’re looking to share? Do you also know or are you very aware about what you don’t want in a partner? Putting these questions out there as food for thought.

I never bought into the “numbers game”, in reference to your first post. I think it’s too strongly rooted in lack of confidence overall and can be a drain on time and resources. Ironically, it appears often as a self-fulfilling prophecy and creates more disappointment and more loss of confidence - feeding a cycle of needing someone so much and being disappointed when it doesn’t happen. Screen the profiles carefully and go for shorter/brief first meet ups. Follow up with shorter dates and select individuals who have similar outlook and goals. What always appears exciting and charismatic at first may have nothing to do with being compatible with you and what you’re working towards in other areas of your life.

[NuevoYorko]

I am not understanding your goal in all of this dating.  Are you looking for something or someone, or mainly wanting to do a "numbers game" specifically to get a high number of various women on a dating rotation?

It seems pretty clear that you are not looking for or willing to move in a direction with anyone.  Dating someone 5 times and still dating a lot of different people spells that out plainly.  By 5 dates you probably know if there is further potential with a woman or not.  

Dating a bunch of women to "avoid the disappointment of dating" does not make good sense.  I get that you probably are trying to avoid getting attached or getting your hopes up, but then what's the point?  Just to hang around with women you don't really know or have much interest in to fill your spare time?  Seriously asking here.

If your goal is just to casually date as many women as you can,  I guess you're succeeding at it.  

[Calmandfocused]

Lamron you’re creating your own drama. You are dating too many people. 
 

Does 5 date lady know you are dating others? If not expect her to have a fit and immediately dump you when she does find out. Personally I would 
 

No woman bothers with a man for 5 dates who she isn’t a little bit invested in. 
 

Slow your roll and make some choices. You’ll never be able to take a lady seriously doing what you’re doing.
 

Every woman will simply be just cog in the wheel and you’ll find yourself getting nowhere. 
 

 

[smackie9]

Your approach to this is wrong. Stop building up a rapport over text. Save it for the date. Secondly, the only thing women want to be impressed on is manners, punctuality, and a clean and neat appearance. Stop thinking it's some kind of thing to be in first place. Slow your roll, be natural, stop over thinking. The focus should be getting to know your date, have some laughs, have light conversation. 

[Lamron300]

14 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I wouldn't want to be dating someone I genuinely don't have an interest in just to fill a "numbers game". But that's just what feels right for me. Everyone approaches dating differently. I think it's helpful to figure out what your own intentions and expectations are before going on these dates. Are you genuinely interested in these people or are you just going on dates for the sake of it? And if you are genuinely interested, try not to put so much pressure on yourself to impress and persuade.

Just try to enjoy yourself and see if there is a natural connection.

And if not, that's okay too.

I do genuinely find the people I am dating interesting (at first, at least). I would obviously prefer to date just one person, but that’s not how things are these days. I do not care about attention, if I really like one person and I have 10 interested in me, I wouldn’t even speak to the other people. 

The problem is, for example, the girl I went on a first date with yesterday said ‘I haven’t been on the app since I started talking to you, no point speaking to multiple people at once’. we have been speaking again today after the date on WhatsApp, I noticed she has deleted me off the app. This is usually so people don’t know you’re using it. I don’t care if she is using it, it is the fact she said what she said with no one forcing her to. Knowing I have options makes me feel better. My first post ever on here was in 2019. I was devastated after 3 dates and 3 kisses, a girl told me she wasn’t feeling it. I couldn’t ever be myself as before our first date she told me she had a date. I’m not stupid to think people are only speaking to me and not dating. But knowing she had a date before really made me uncomfortable and I believe I couldn’t 100% be myself. Now I just accept it and do what others do. 
 

There is a girl I really like so far from messaging, but ten days is a lot till the date (which she asked me out on). 

[Lamron300]

11 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Let's a address a vocabulary issue 1st.  IMO there's a difference between a 1st meet off OLD & a 1st date.  They are 2 different activities. 

 

Conversation is an art.  Work on it.  Come up with some basic get to know you questions that don't turn it into an interview.  There will always be interview aspects to initial dates.  It's how you get to know somebody. 

Lower your expectations.  Drama only exists when you care & are invested.  It's too early.  Go with the flow.  If they show up & are fun, great.  If not, there's always tomorrow & somebody else.  

You’ve given me this advice before which I 100% agree with, however, it’s hard to get people to agree to it without looking ‘low effort’. As I said to my date, I’m not nervous at all. The only thing is sitting in a pub for 4 hours with a stranger, especially after exhausting a lot of topics via text is difficult. There wasn’t any awkward silences but I always feel in interview mode. For example, If I was sitting next to someone on a bench in a pub as opposed to infront of them. I would feel 100% more relaxed. But this would be seen as weird by many people. 
 

Why do great conversations over text not always result in the same energy in real life. I always feel I bring the same energy. Even if it’s just listening to someone talk and then asking questions. 

[Lamron300]

11 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's great you're getting a lot of dates, however you seem to have too many irons in the fire to actually avoid the purpose of dating, which is to connect to someone.

It does seem a bit like drama trying to keep track of all this and it seems to just be a way to feel like you've got a lot of options, making each one relatively disposable. It's a safety dance. 

No one is more upset about the fact that I’m going on multiple dates than me. It means I’m indecisive or not sticking to my guns. I want kids someday, therefore I should only speak to people with a similar goal. Although I love travel, I know my life is settled where I am and I can’t just up and leave. If someone plans to travel for a few years; that isn’t for me. The problem is I’m actually not being ruthless enough in my decision making and it’s only making things worse (hence I’m up at 2am in the morning typing and thinking of this stuff).

The one girl I am really keen on (based on chat only) isn’t back for another ten days, which is when the date is arranged for. Although rapport seems great over texts, in person dating is different. Even texting everyday or every other day for ten days I feel like I may say something that we disagree on etc. I want to be honest with her and tell her my concern about building up a rapport by text and being disappointed in person, but don’t think it’s a good idea. Can you see the picture? All this dating is actually stressing me out and making me feel less like myself. 

[Lamron300]

10 hours ago, glows said:

I never bought into the “numbers game”, in reference to your first post. I think it’s too strongly rooted in lack of confidence overall and can be a drain on time and resources. Ironically, it appears often as a self-fulfilling prophecy and creates more disappointment and more loss of confidence - feeding a cycle of needing someone so much and being disappointed when it doesn’t happen. Screen the profiles carefully and go for shorter/brief first meet ups. Follow up with shorter dates and select individuals who have similar outlook and goals. What always appears exciting and charismatic at first may have nothing to do with being compatible with you and what you’re working towards in other areas of your life.

I know three hours is long but I’m telling you, by the women’s profiles I see there is a section about what to do on a first date instead of drinks and it’s always things I think would be way too much for a first date. Anything that needs to be booked in advance or even a deposit is a bad idea for a first date, in my opinion.

I would love to meet people organically and I would feel 100% better than apps, but it’s hard to meet people organically nowadays. I’m interested in martial arts and my classes are mostly male. Nightclubs is a vibe I don’t like, although I go every now and again. I want to calm down and let things happen.. but at the same time.. if I didn’t decide to download the apps and swipe, I wouldn’t meet anyone. 
 

I know what I want in a partner but things are difficult. The girl I like put ‘open to kids’ on her profile, she is 34 going on 35. I don’t know about biology much, but in relationship terms it would be a decision that needs to be made soon I suppose. I’ve just turned 30 but I feel kinda old because I have a lot of responsibility I didn’t think I would a few years ago (two businesses, own house etc). It’s kind of important for me to make decisions. 
 

I want a simple life, but dating isn’t simple. For example, nobody owes you anything till you’re exclusive.. it took many years for me to accept that. Now apart from the fact I’m trying to discover who I have a connection with, dating multiple people is a protection mechanism. 

[Lamron300]

8 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Lamron you’re creating your own drama. You are dating too many people. 
 

Does 5 date lady know you are dating others? If not expect her to have a fit and immediately dump you when she does find out. Personally I would 
 

No woman bothers with a man for 5 dates who she isn’t a little bit invested in. . 
 

 

I know and I 100% agree with you, but it’s complicated. The 5 date lady, I feel okay with 90% of the time, she’s great, baked me a cake and got me presents for my birthday. I’ve gone on more dates to see how I feel about the situation. My holdback with her is she has a lot of baggage and sometimes I don’t know how to talk to her. She focusses a lot on her anxiety, and it’s hard to switch topic to something more uplifting. She is also in a different stage of life to me in terms of at beginning of her career. Her career is music industry and I don’t know what to say sometimes to seem supportive as I don’t know anything about that job and can come across as simplistic in my statements. She also goes out with friends every single day as she isn’t working, at the moment. This is why the pause and me continuing to date. 
 

I would rather date just one person and have a happy ever after, but it’s complicated. A lot of people these days on apps are there for validation. A high proportion of dating topics on Reddit is about people being exclusive and someone still using the app. I don’t care about feeling desired, I am confident in myself. However, what are the chances of meeting someone on the same wavelength, who says let’s forget all the background noise and just give a good go of this relationship? I’m very intuitive, little things like putting your phone face down on a date, deleting me off the app when we go offline…it all says something about trust. Btw, I am not hypocritical as I would delete the app in a second if I meet someone suitable. 

[basil67]

41 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

My holdback with her is she has a lot of baggage and sometimes I don’t know how to talk to her. She focusses a lot on her anxiety, and it’s hard to switch topic to something more uplifting. She is also in a different stage of life to me in terms of at beginning of her career. Her career is music industry and I don’t know what to say sometimes to seem supportive as I don’t know anything about that job and can come across as simplistic in my statements.

I've bolded the things I want to comment on.  

I'll start with the last thing.  You don't need to know about someone's job to support them.  My husband is currently doing software development and I haven't got a clue about what he does. Same as when he was doing software stuff for a major bank.  But the fact that I can't discuss it in detail doesn't mean that I can't support his ambitions and listen to frustrations.   Try not to overthink it.

The previous things I bolded would make me walk away.  Too much baggage, lack of easy conversation, anxiety and too much conversational focus on that anxiety.  NEXT! 

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

by the women’s profiles I see there is a section about what to do on a first date instead of drinks and it’s always things I think would be way too much for a first date. Anything that needs to be booked in advance or even a deposit is a bad idea for a first date, in my opinion.

I quite agree with you.  And given that you'd be likely paying for these events, it's also very entitled.   Fare more appropriate when you've been dating for a while and you know that she will contribute to/take turns with costs and planning

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

For example, nobody owes you anything till you’re exclusive.. it took many years for me to accept that.

Also this:   If I were out dating, I'd be only dating one person at a time.  Yes, I understand that others may be multi dating, but if guy wasn't keen enough to stop dating others after three dates with me, then I'd stop seeing him.   And certainly no sex until I know he's not shagging anyone else.   If he hinted at sex before that, I'd bluntly ask if he's dating others so that we each have a good idea of where the other stands. 

To be clear, this wouldn't mean I'd expect commitment from him so early.  I'd just want a demonstration that he's interested enough to focus on me while we get to know each other better. 

I'd rather be single than share

Edited September 22, 2023 by basil67

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

The 5 date lady, I feel okay with 90% of the time, she’s great, baked me a cake and got me presents for my birthday.

You are misleading this woman. No woman would bake and spend money on a gift unless she thinks she is starting to build a connection with you. At this point it's cruel to keep leading her on. Sure you feel this way & that way but these women have feelings too, don't forget that. If you are unsure about someone after 3 dates you don't meet them again.

 

Edited September 22, 2023 by Gaeta

[Lotsgoingon]

Dude, cut out all this nonsense and go back to ground. Get rid of this fear of failure in dating. Get rid of this habit of impressing.

The woman who found your nervous (when you didn't think you were) likely was noticing that you were trying hard. People with really good social antenna can tell when someone is relaxed vs. when they are working hard to be smart and funny and witty and all of that. 

Deliberately trying to impress someone is misleading and is a glorious way of shooting yourself in the foot. Let's say you impress the person. OK, week 1 of serious dating. Do I relax and be myself or do I have to keep trying to impress.

You want to relax and be more of yourself and find someone who is impressed when you're not trying to impress. You have so many twisted and confusing ideas in your head. How about slow down, maybe talk about dating with the most secure people you know or get to some therapy. 

You're spinning your wheels and working hard in ways that destroy good dating and bonding and rapport. 

[Lamron300]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

 

 

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

I've bolded the things I want to comment on.  

I'll start with the last thing.  You don't need to know about someone's job to support them.  My husband is currently doing software development and I haven't got a clue about what he does. Same as when he was doing software stuff for a major bank.  But the fact that I can't discuss it in detail doesn't mean that I can't support his ambitions and listen to frustrations.   Try not to overthink it.

The previous things I bolded would make me walk away.  Too much baggage, lack of easy conversation, anxiety and too much conversational focus on that anxiety.  NEXT! 

I quite agree with you.  And given that you'd be likely paying for these events, it's also very entitled.   Fare more appropriate when you've been dating for a while and you know that she will contribute to/take turns with costs and planning

Yes and that is my dilemma. I had been on holiday and I hadn't seen her for a couple of weeks. Met up again and things were pretty nice. I don't feel excited about things though. I am trying to get to know people more, therefore, except if a first date is horrible, I usually would prefer a few more dates to make mind up. I don't feel like I'm leading people on as people are presumably making the same assumptions/conclusions about me.

My problem with dating online is I always feel suspicious of people. I jokingly ask and say you seem to normal, what are your flaws? and there always seems to be something. Like the first date I went on, the other night, nice girl but she didn't look like her pictures. I am not saying she looked bad, but I wouldn't say her pictures are an accurate reflection of her. She also got married and divorced young. Then I'm stuck between feeling like I am judging people, then realise I just need to judge their suitability for me. Would I see her again? probably, but again there is no excitement, so I probably shouldn't.

Time flies, I first posted on this forum at 25, I am now 30, which I have been dreading since I was 21 for some reason. I feel like I need to be more purposeful with dating, however, I get stuck in old habits/making mistakes.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you seem to be suffering from the paradox of choice (Google it). This means while you may feel like a kid in the candy store with lots of dates and options, it's a false sense of abundance because some of them don't seem like viable matches at all and just a time and energy consuming headache. 

Try to filter and screen better. Make a mental list of must haves and dealbreakers and try to rule out poor matches before running around on several meets a day. 

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you seem to be suffering from the paradox of choice (Google it). This means while you may feel like a kid in the candy store with lots of dates and options, it's a false sense of abundance because some of them don't seem like viable matches at all and just a time and energy consuming headache. 

This is a thing!  Back in the 80's we'd generally date a handful of people and marry one.  Now people seem to need to date dozens to find a match. I wonder if the difference is that we generally met those who were from our own community, and so had similar values and upbringings

And my husband used to browse the whole bookshop and find nothing to read, but now that we have a little street library out the front, he's finding so many things to read. 

Less is more

Edited September 22, 2023 by basil67

[basil67]

2 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Yes and that is my dilemma. I had been on holiday and I hadn't seen her for a couple of weeks. Met up again and things were pretty nice. I don't feel excited about things though. I am trying to get to know people more, therefore, except if a first date is horrible, I usually would prefer a few more dates to make mind up. I don't feel like I'm leading people on as people are presumably making the same assumptions/conclusions about me.

My problem with dating online is I always feel suspicious of people. I jokingly ask and say you seem to normal, what are your flaws? and there always seems to be something. Like the first date I went on, the other night, nice girl but she didn't look like her pictures. I am not saying she looked bad, but I wouldn't say her pictures are an accurate reflection of her. She also got married and divorced young. Then I'm stuck between feeling like I am judging people, then realise I just need to judge their suitability for me. Would I see her again? probably, but again there is no excitement, so I probably shouldn't.

Time flies, I first posted on this forum at 25, I am now 30, which I have been dreading since I was 21 for some reason. I feel like I need to be more purposeful with dating, however, I get stuck in old habits/making mistakes.

Personally, I wouldn't bother seeing someone again if I wasn't excited to do so.    And asking what someone's flaws are really does sound like a job interview.  And for what it's worth, I was also married and divorced young.  And then I met my current partner and we've now been together for 30+ years.   Thankfully, he didn't judge me for making a young persons mistake

Have you had a relationship between 21 and 30?

[d0nnivain]

11 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

For example, If I was sitting next to someone on a bench in a pub as opposed to infront of them. I would feel 100% more relaxed. But this would be seen as weird by many people. 

Why do great conversations over text not always result in the same energy in real life. I always feel I bring the same energy. Even if it’s just listening to someone talk and then asking questions. 

You put way too much stock in text.  There is absolutely zero energy in that terrible inferior form of communication.  IMO all pre date communication with a device between you & them should be reserved for short factual interaction like setting up & confirming a date, not trying to get to know someone.  To build rapport you need the non verbal stuff which is absent from texting.  Based on you statement that you would feel better & more relaxed if you were side by side, that tells me you struggle with in person encounters & non verbal communication.  That is why you like text better & feel flummoxed sometimes IRL.  The solution you need more movement in your dates, not sitting & eating & drinking.  Get up & go for a walk.  Stroll through a small museum.  That way you can be side by side & it's not odd. 

 

11 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I want to be honest with her and tell her my concern about building up a rapport by text and being disappointed in person, but don’t think it’s a good idea. Can you see the picture? All this dating is actually stressing me out and making me feel less like myself. 

It's a terrible idea to tell her you are disappointed by the in person interactions.  Even if you are, keep your own counsel & hush.  

 

You need to add an organic component into your dating.   You said you like martial arts.  Can you find a dojo that is co-ed?   If the nightclub scene isn't your thing, what about a more low key local pub?   What about around where you work?  Who's in the elevator?  Who do you see regularly when you are getting lunch?  Can you attend a continuing education event or a conference?   Try volunteering somewhere doing something you care about. 

 

When you find somebody with whom you click who likes you back, stop looking.  If that one woman is baking you a birthday cake why aren't you simply dating her?   If you don't like her enough to commit, cut her lose because she's into you & the longer you drag this out the more you will hurt her.  

[Weezy1973]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

. I wonder if the difference is that we generally met those who were from our own community, and so had similar values and upbringings

Yes absolutely this. With online dating you play the numbers game (i.e meet a lot of people) because you’re not going to be compatible with the vast majority of strangers you meet. But the flip side is you have to move on quicker. Most should be “one and done”. But you should never get to five dates with someone if you’re not interested in exclusivity with that person. Give the “maybes” a 3 date max. If they haven’t turned into a “yes” by then, it’s time to let them go.

[glows]

14 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I know three hours is long but I’m telling you, by the women’s profiles I see there is a section about what to do on a first date instead of drinks and it’s always things I think would be way too much for a first date. Anything that needs to be booked in advance or even a deposit is a bad idea for a first date, in my opinion.

I would love to meet people organically and I would feel 100% better than apps, but it’s hard to meet people organically nowadays. I’m interested in martial arts and my classes are mostly male. Nightclubs is a vibe I don’t like, although I go every now and again. I want to calm down and let things happen.. but at the same time.. if I didn’t decide to download the apps and swipe, I wouldn’t meet anyone. 
 

I know what I want in a partner but things are difficult. The girl I like put ‘open to kids’ on her profile, she is 34 going on 35. I don’t know about biology much, but in relationship terms it would be a decision that needs to be made soon I suppose. I’ve just turned 30 but I feel kinda old because I have a lot of responsibility I didn’t think I would a few years ago (two businesses, own house etc). It’s kind of important for me to make decisions. 
 

I want a simple life, but dating isn’t simple. For example, nobody owes you anything till you’re exclusive.. it took many years for me to accept that. Now apart from the fact I’m trying to discover who I have a connection with, dating multiple people is a protection mechanism. 

Yeah, I don’t get that. I’m sorry. I would suggest you focus on dating people one at a time but you seem taken in by dating multiple people as a protection mechanism, as you say. Be decisive and move on quickly if someone isn’t for you. You seem to know what you want.

No strange jokes about being normal etc and asking about flaws. It’s a bit weird and insecure. People don’t react well to that. You have to read between the lines. Does the person have the same outlook? Similar hobbies? Similar lifestyle or abilities? Likes to go snowboarding, boating, traveling etc etc. Like doing the same things on their free time? Treat their family similarly? Also own their own business? Gainfully employed professionals? You’re looking for character traits and the psychology on these individuals and how they think / approach life in general. 

I’ll also say the vast majority online dating don’t do this and are happy with attention or filling a void. You have to avoid these individuals and just find what works for you.

 

Edited September 22, 2023 by glows