How do I overcome the complications of dating and avoid drama?

[Lamron300]

Wanted to restart this topic as I’m still in the same place. I’m now 31 and still in the doldrums of online dating. I know what I want, but don’t know how to get it. For example I know I want kids and it’s something that has to be realistically planned for and envisioned by both parties. I’m not talking about in terms of a timescale, but a desire for it. My ex partner who I was with between 2020-23 hated kids and it was only towards the end I realised to her the thought of having kids made her angry even. I don’t want to make the same mistake. I don’t know how to bring it up to people in the right way, obviously it wouldn’t be me bearing the child and I would obviously expect to get married before that. On the other hand, someone in their late 30s who seemed to be desperate for kids as soon as possible wouldn’t appeal. 
 

I’ve been on many dates this year and I think in my head that’s why a lot of things haven’t clicked for me. I don’t know if it’s online dating but I meet people who I would be happy with ‘short term’ whatever that means, but not longer term. Is what I want unrealistic? Am I not communicating properly? 

[FredEire]

21 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

Wanted to restart this topic as I’m still in the same place. I’m now 31 and still in the doldrums of online dating. I know what I want, but don’t know how to get it. For example I know I want kids and it’s something that has to be realistically planned for and envisioned by both parties. I’m not talking about in terms of a timescale, but a desire for it. My ex partner who I was with between 2020-23 hated kids and it was only towards the end I realised to her the thought of having kids made her angry even. I don’t want to make the same mistake. I don’t know how to bring it up to people in the right way, obviously it wouldn’t be me bearing the child and I would obviously expect to get married before that. On the other hand, someone in their late 30s who seemed to be desperate for kids as soon as possible wouldn’t appeal. 
 

I’ve been on many dates this year and I think in my head that’s why a lot of things haven’t clicked for me. I don’t know if it’s online dating but I meet people who I would be happy with ‘short term’ whatever that means, but not longer term. Is what I want unrealistic? Am I not communicating properly? 

I can relate, I'm also 31 and recently I've been seeing someone who's pretty great but she's set against having kids, because she thinks she would lose her freedom and be miserable. I think that's pretty much the norm for people our age and younger these days. It's hard to find someone who also wants a family, but they are out there.

I think you're right that the problem is most likely being in your head, worrying about how difficult it all seems. For it to work I think you have to ditch the he fear somehow and just flow and enjoy it.

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I know what I want, but don’t know how to get it. For example I know I want kids and it’s something that has to be realistically planned for and envisioned by both parties.

When I met my partner he was 31 and really wanted children one day.  But I was 24 and unsure about kids.  But as time went on I saw what a great father he'd be and warmed up to the idea over the space of a year.   We now have two kids.

Obviously, you'd have to not waste time with women who "hate" kids, but don't rule out those who are unsure.  The only caveat being to avoid those who are mid 30's or older and still unsure, because she doesn't have much time to change her mind.

As for discussion, it's something which should reasonably come up in the first month or so

Edited September 30 by basil67

[Leihla_B]

4 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I don’t know if it’s online dating but I meet people who I would be happy with ‘short term’ whatever that means, but not longer term. Is what I want unrealistic? Am I not communicating properly? 

No, you're not unrealistic and you're probably not miscommunicating. Most people are just not a good match. That's natural odds. If finding love were easy, what would be so special about it?

4 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I’ve been on many dates this year and I think in my head that’s why a lot of things haven’t clicked for me.

Have you been taking reasonable breaks away from dating to relax for a while and prevent obsessing? If you're overly focused and making dating into a chore, your desperation will increase while your ability to share and enjoy a real connection will decrease.

Maybe consider a vaycay from dating for a while?

[Gaeta]

6 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I don’t know how to bring it up to people in the right way,

You put it in your profile. As simple as that. You just put in your description you're looking for someone open to marriage and kids. 

Why are people afraid of showing their colors right off the bat.

[Gebidozo]

7 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Wanted to restart this topic as I’m still in the same place. I’m now 31 and still in the doldrums of online dating. I know what I want, but don’t know how to get it. For example I know I want kids and it’s something that has to be realistically planned for and envisioned by both parties. I’m not talking about in terms of a timescale, but a desire for it. My ex partner who I was with between 2020-23 hated kids and it was only towards the end I realised to her the thought of having kids made her angry even. I don’t want to make the same mistake. I don’t know how to bring it up to people in the right way, obviously it wouldn’t be me bearing the child and I would obviously expect to get married before that. On the other hand, someone in their late 30s who seemed to be desperate for kids as soon as possible wouldn’t appeal. 
 

I’ve been on many dates this year and I think in my head that’s why a lot of things haven’t clicked for me. I don’t know if it’s online dating but I meet people who I would be happy with ‘short term’ whatever that means, but not longer term. Is what I want unrealistic? Am I not communicating properly? 

Not at all unrealistic. Just make it clear that is what you want.

Obviously, if you want kids, you shouldn’t be with someone who hates kids. Or with someone who is 40 and is still hesitating. But many young women like kids and are open to the possibility of having them.

Of course, most women don’t like it when they are pressured to have kids too early. You’ll need to tread carefully and respectfully once you are in a relationship. But make it clear beforehand that you do want kids. Don’t hide your desires and intentions, so that neither you nor your potential partner will waste time on an incompatible match.

[basil67]

44 minutes ago, Gebidozo said:

But many young women like kids and are open to the possibility of having them.

I find that liking kids and wanting your own not necessarily connected.   I know teachers who love working with kids but don't want their own.   And I'm not terribly interested in other people's kids but love my own

[Gebidozo]

9 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I find that liking kids and wanting your own not necessarily connected.   I know teachers who love working with kids but don't want their own.   And I'm not terribly interested in other people's kids but love my own

Yeah, that’s true! My fiancée is a teacher, she works with kids all the time and loves them. She is really good with them, very kind and patient (much better than me, I don’t have many kid students because they annoy me to no end). And kids adore her. But she’s just sort of lukewarm about having her own kids.

I guess to me a dealbreaker would be disliking children in general, like the OP’s ex. I don’t think anyone who really hates kids should have their own. Or could it be so that a woman hates kids in general but then loves her own when she has them?

[Lamron300]

9 hours ago, basil67 said:

Obviously, you'd have to not waste time with women who "hate" kids, but don't rule out those who are unsure.  The only caveat being to avoid those who are mid 30's or older and still unsure, because she doesn't have much time to change her mind.

As for discussion, it's something which should reasonably come up in the first month or so

My sort of hesitance comes from an empathetic view point. As I wouldn’t be the one carrying the child, I’ve always wanted people to make their mind up that I would be a good father or not and how secure they feel in the relationship. With my ex, I would never have had kids with her anyway, as there was just a lot of incompatibility. But she literally hated kids with a passion, she said that about a year and a half into the relationship. When I was going to buy MY house, she got angry I wanted to buy a 3 bedroom, as she thought it was because I wanted kids in the future (so what if I did?).

I am not rushing kids, I just want to find someone who actually has a plan/path for kids if our relationship works out. I’ve been with people who have lied, unsure but don’t even have the time to decide due to age or otherwise. 

[Lamron300]

8 hours ago, Leihla_B said:

No, you're not unrealistic and you're probably not miscommunicating. Most people are just not a good match. That's natural odds. If finding love were easy, what would be so special about it?

Have you been taking reasonable breaks away from dating to relax for a while and prevent obsessing? If you're overly focused and making dating into a chore, your desperation will increase while your ability to share and enjoy a real connection will decrease.

Maybe consider a vaycay from dating for a while?

I’ve taken many breaks from online dating this year. It feels like a year of different parts. I’ve met a lot of people (or feels like it) this year. I feel the common denominator as you said is not everyone is a good match. I’ve met people who may have been a 40% or 60% good match, but in key areas we were different. I dont want to be in a relationship from 31-36 and then realise oh actually this isn’t working.

In my generation it seems that there is a lot of people who don’t want kids or just aren’t ready for it. 

I feel that I am honest on my intentions and it depends how you frame it. If I wanted kids out of wedlock asap with someone I had just met, that would be intimidating. What I want is someone who also wants kids, even if it’s in 3-5 years. Issue is a lot of things have to happen before then. I own my own house, where do we move to that’s a compromise? Marriage.. etc. I feel it’s a lot to think about and is being driven by 1) exhaustion with online dating 2) my age 

[Lamron300]

8 hours ago, Gaeta said:

You put it in your profile. As simple as that. You just put in your description you're looking for someone open to marriage and kids. 

Why are people afraid of showing their colors right off the bat.

I want a friendship/relationship to develop first, the reason is, some people will play along with what you want to ‘keep you happy’, it’s not what they really want. Earlier example in this thread is sex.

 

 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

I want a friendship/relationship to develop first, the reason is, some people will play along with what you want to ‘keep you happy’, it’s not what they really want. Earlier example in this thread is sex.

 

 

A serious woman won't go for that. A friendship offer at beginning means fwb. 

It will take time to find  what you want and there will be hit and miss along the way. That's dating. It won't kill you. If hit & miss killed l would have died a long time ago. 

[Lamron300]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

A serious woman won't go for that. A friendship offer at beginning means fwb. 

It will take time to find  what you want and there will be hit and miss along the way. That's dating. It won't kill you. If hit & miss killed l would have died a long time ago. 

What I mean by a friendship is we get to know each other well first. I’ve noticed in the past I’ve been with people and I’ve realised they don’t even know much about me or I don’t know much about them. I don’t mean it in a non commitment type of way, but for example my ex if I asked just 3/4 questions at beginning of relationship I would have found out we weren’t compatible. 
 

I ideally want to meet someone in real life at a hobby group or something and get to know them over a few weeks. The problem with online dating is the grass is always greener, hence the origin of this thread. I’ve been on many dates where it hasn’t been bad and we have just talked for hours but been told ‘no connection’. I have never felt blown away by anyone on any date, I’ve always just had a good time and would be receptive to meeting further. 
 

My most recent experience, I met a woman who was very keen on dates 1-3, holding hands getting intimate and then out of the blue she said we don’t have the connection she hoped and she feels really bad. It didn’t impact me as I’m always wary about online dating, but how can you sleep with someone twice in 5 days, say you’re buzzing to see me, then out of the blue ‘not the connection I hoped for’. 

[Gaeta]

41 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

y most recent experience, I met a woman who was very keen on dates 1-3, holding hands getting intimate

If you take the express lane and have sex on your 1-2-3 first dates yes you risk experiencing a disappointment after intimacy.

The difference is this. Meeting people in real life, when you're out and about, will happen at a much lower rate. This is not how couples meet anymore. The singles are online at 75%. People are less and less doing cold approaches with strangers but that's the route you want to take so ok. That means you will meet less women, if you're comfortable with cold approaches maybe you will get 3 good dates a year because among your 12 cold approaches a year a few will already be in a relationship, a few will prefer their own gender, a few don't want to date. That leaves you with not many prospects.

Online dating is the express lane. You only deal with people looking for someone. It's hit and miss until it works. You have to ask ALL the questions that are important to you, and you have to spend time together, that's how you get to know someone whether you met them online OR in real life. The 'getting to know you' part doesn't change because you met someone online vs. met her in your local park. 

Instead of spending 2 dates in bed out of 5 dates maybe you should have asked those important questions, maybe you should have observes her character and see if what she preaches at date 2 is still what she preaches at date 10.

When I was single I was approached by men in the metro or the park or grocery store. They had the same darn issues I found in online men, sometimes worse!! So the problem is not men, or women, the problem is how we filter those dating prospects.

Edited October 1 by Gaeta

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

What I mean by a friendship is we get to know each other well first. I’ve noticed in the past I’ve been with people and I’ve realised they don’t even know much about me or I don’t know much about them. I don’t mean it in a non commitment type of way, but for example my ex if I asked just 3/4 questions at beginning of relationship I would have found out we weren’t compatible. 
 

I ideally want to meet someone in real life at a hobby group or something and get to know them over a few weeks. The problem with online dating is the grass is always greener, hence the origin of this thread. I’ve been on many dates where it hasn’t been bad and we have just talked for hours but been told ‘no connection’. I have never felt blown away by anyone on any date, I’ve always just had a good time and would be receptive to meeting further. 
 

My most recent experience, I met a woman who was very keen on dates 1-3, holding hands getting intimate and then out of the blue she said we don’t have the connection she hoped and she feels really bad. It didn’t impact me as I’m always wary about online dating, but how can you sleep with someone twice in 5 days, say you’re buzzing to see me, then out of the blue ‘not the connection I hoped for’. 

I know what you mean in the first paragraph. I've dated girls who are in it for a serious relationship but then when talking about what we like about each other they'd struggle to think of an answer. It kind of made me feel as if they were just lonely and wanted A.N. Other man rather than me in particular, which didn't make me feel great about the prospects of the relationship.

It seems like people in our generation are just feeling around in the dark, wanting to make a connection but a lot of men started out either sexless or hypergamous and there's a difficulty bonding and a lot of fear around settling down. Very few people I know actually want kids.

I'm probably projecting my own issues on to it to an extent but it's stuff that pops up again and again with friends and peers. I think what stresses me out is that the general trends of dating for people in their 20s and 30s is going to lead to a whole lotta elderly people with cat babies, and probably further down the line bleaker stuff like AI partners etc.

I think the answer is to buck the trend and be different, and find someone else who also doesn't feel like following the yellow brick road, it just seems to be tough when settling down and building a family together etc increasingly isn't the done thing.

[Leihla_B]

7 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

In my generation it seems that there is a lot of people who don’t want kids or just aren’t ready for it. 

I feel that I am honest on my intentions and it depends how you frame it.

True. Maybe reframe the question 'do you want' to something less hardcore and immediate, like, 'can you envision yourself someday wanting'?

Quote

Issue is a lot of things have to happen before then. I own my own house, where do we move to that’s a compromise? Marriage.. etc. I feel it’s a lot to think about and is being driven by 1) exhaustion with online dating 2) my age 

Regarding your age, consider relaxing your urgency. You're not the one with the bio-clock, and you already own a home. If you can reframe your ideas about any imminent 'need' to pair up, you may find yourself floating along and enjoying your single life in a whole new way that takes the exhaustion out of it.

You're hammering yourself. That does something to your head, and it does something to your energy, which may be tanking your ability to synergize and enjoy simpatico with ANYone. You can't relax and find 'the funny' while discovering some inside shared quirk or flaw or style of humor and 'click' together with someone if dating is such a chore for you.

If you're myopic, you're likely boring. Has this occurred to you?

[Leihla_B]

4 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I’ve been on many dates where it hasn’t been bad and we have just talked for hours but been told ‘no connection’. I have never felt blown away by anyone on any date, I’ve always just had a good time and would be receptive to meeting further. 

Right. They're doing you a favor by screening themselves out. Most of us can enjoy a nice conversation with an elderly couple, or a parent with a baby, or an interesting stranger who is walking a dog. So 'not bad' is a pretty low bar for what most people seek in terms of 'a connection' they'd want to invest more time to explore.

Quote

... how can you sleep with someone twice in 5 days, say you’re buzzing to see me, then out of the blue ‘not the connection I hoped for’. 

She likely sensed that her buzz was not reciprocated, and that killed it for her.

You tend to describe your experiences as being about your date's reactions to you rather than yours to them. You've say you've never been wowed, and you sound cautiously detached.

Have you ever researched the 'gray rock' of behavioral energy? It's a technique people learn to avoid encouraging those who seek their attention. You may not realize that you may be giving off some degree of that energy. If so, no matter who you meet, she won't be inspired to invest or remain invested in you. 

I forget who said, "People may forget what you said, they may forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel."

[Lamron300]

On 10/1/2024 at 2:19 PM, Gaeta said:

If you take the express lane and have sex on your 1-2-3 first dates yes you risk experiencing a disappointment after intimacy.

 

 

 

On 10/1/2024 at 2:19 PM, Gaeta said:

 

Instead of spending 2 dates in bed out of 5 dates maybe you should have asked those important questions, maybe you should have observes her character and see if what she preaches at date 2 is still what she preaches at date 10.

When I was single I was approached by men in the metro or the park or grocery store. They had the same darn issues I found in online men, sometimes worse!! So the problem is not men, or women, the problem is how we filter those dating prospects.

I mean that was just an anecdote for what my current experience of dating is, however, I’ll touch on it more. Her profile said she’s looking for someone who ACTUALLY wants a relationship, actually being In bold. There was no signs of things getting sexual either in convo or in person. What happened on the second date is we were told the pub was closing at 8pm as it was empty. My house is 2 minutes away so I said let’s go to mine. Had some wine, nice talk etc.. then the cuddling started etc. Anyway my point is because I’m so negative at the moment, I’m framing everything badly. I didn’t actually lose anything from my short interactions with her. Knew her for less than a month, guess I had an unintended ‘fling’. But when you’re looking for something specific out of dating, every distraction and road bump seems more irritating than when I was 19-24. 
 

I do understand OLD is the done thing now, but that’s the issue. There are a lot more men on these apps than women. I’ve become obsessed with reading about dating. There was one thread on Reddit and a woman was asking what to do she is on date 5 with one guy and date 1 with two other guys etc . Those guys will inevitably be on a forum like this asking why they got ‘ghosted’. Things are just so convoluted nowadays. On top of that, I’m surprised how different people can look between 2022 and 2024. Catfishing is a form of dishonesty and I just get stressed over that too. I want to enjoy the experience of dating and be calm, however, there are just so many curveballs it’s making me feel uncomfortable. You can just slug it out and maybe 1/100 will work out, but it feels tedious. 

[Lamron300]

On 10/1/2024 at 4:42 PM, FredEire said:

I know what you mean in the first paragraph. I've dated girls who are in it for a serious relationship but then when talking about what we like about each other they'd struggle to think of an answer. It kind of made me feel as if they were just lonely and wanted A.N. Other man rather than me in particular, which didn't make me feel great about the prospects of the relationship.

It seems like people in our generation are just feeling around in the dark, wanting to make a connection but a lot of men started out either sexless or hypergamous and there's a difficulty bonding and a lot of fear around settling down. Very few people I know actually want kids.

I think the answer is to buck the trend and be different, and find someone else who also doesn't feel like following the yellow brick road, it just seems to be tough when settling down and building a family together etc increasingly isn't the done thing.

Yep. People in their mid 20s and early 30s, especially on these apps don’t seem to want or be bothered about having kids. It’s making it very difficult for me as I can’t see anything long term with someone who isn’t on the same wavelength. And I don’t mean it in a rushy kinda way. If I’m 31 and someone is 32 and we date for 5 years, the decision then becomes critical. There is a lot that has to happen in that time. I have asked some people I have been dating very recently and their answers haven’t been clear. They’ve sort of said yes they want kids but left it ambiguous enough they haven’t actually said that. 
 

On the flip side, I matched with a 39 year old on OLD. Her profile was too heavy and said she has a great business and is now finally in a place to have kids and wants kids. Too weird and strong for an OLD profile, because it gives off a desperate vibe. 
 

Im so confused/stuck right now. 

[Marka]

She sounds desperate for you because you are 31 and she is 39. Totally different stages of life. She may sound perfect to a guy in his early 40ies who wants to jump in a last train.

 

[Gebidozo]

8 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Yep. People in their mid 20s and early 30s, especially on these apps don’t seem to want or be bothered about having kids. It’s making it very difficult for me as I can’t see anything long term with someone who isn’t on the same wavelength. And I don’t mean it in a rushy kinda way. If I’m 31 and someone is 32 and we date for 5 years, the decision then becomes critical. There is a lot that has to happen in that time. I have asked some people I have been dating very recently and their answers haven’t been clear. They’ve sort of said yes they want kids but left it ambiguous enough they haven’t actually said that. 
 

On the flip side, I matched with a 39 year old on OLD. Her profile was too heavy and said she has a great business and is now finally in a place to have kids and wants kids. Too weird and strong for an OLD profile, because it gives off a desperate vibe. 
 

Im so confused/stuck right now. 

It’s not just you. We all want security and kept promises and certainty in our lives, yet when this certainty is right there we feel weird sometimes.

You hesitate to date women who haven’t yet decided whether they want kids or not, and you also hesitate to date women who have firmly decided they want kids as soon as possible.

Uncertainty scares us, certainty scares us too. It’s either plunging into the unknown, or being pressured to do something.

My problem with someone who desperately wants to get married and have kids ASAP is this: I’d never know if that woman truly chose me or just got someone to fulfill her life plan. And this new uncertainty is, in my opinion, worse than the uncertainty of being with someone who loves you for sure but might not be on the same page with you concerning these life arrangements.

So if I were you, I’d disregard those who give off a desperate vibe and still try to date those who are yet unsure about having kids (not those who have firmly decided they do not want kids). Yes, it’s a risk, but it’s better than just becoming a possible kid-making machine for someone. 

Another thing is this, if a young woman says she wants kids, it doesn’t necessarily mean that she won’t change her mind. I was once married to a very young woman who kept going on and on about how she wanted kids, how she is obsessed with kids, and so on. 6 years later, she announced that she preferred to focus on her career instead. Anyone can say anything. Unfortunately, we just don’t get any certainty in our lives and need to go with the flow.

Edited October 7 by Gebidozo

[basil67]

On 10/1/2024 at 10:39 PM, Lamron300 said:

I’ve been on many dates where it hasn’t been bad and we have just talked for hours but been told ‘no connection’.

If the best term you can use to describe dates is "hasn't been bad", then that's the definition of no connection.  Q: "How was the date?"  A: Not bad.  Probably won't be seeing them again".  Doesn't mean that they thought the date was horrible, but just not good enough to go back for seconds

A good date is when you find so much to talk about and the talk comes so easily that you both want to extend your time together.    Also, there's that thing where one person thinks the date was good and the other thinks it was super dull.   That you liked the date doesn't mean that they enjoyed it.

On 10/1/2024 at 10:39 PM, Lamron300 said:

I have never felt blown away by anyone on any date, I’ve always just had a good time and would be receptive to meeting further. 

That wouldn't be good enough for me.   It's not about 'greener grass', it's just that I know there's better connections to be made.

[Lamron300]

On 10/1/2024 at 5:42 PM, Leihla_B said:

True. Maybe reframe the question 'do you want' to something less hardcore and immediate, like, 'can you envision yourself someday wanting'?

Regarding your age, consider relaxing your urgency. You're not the one with the bio-clock, and you already own a home. If you can reframe your ideas about any imminent 'need' to pair up, you may find yourself floating along and enjoying your single life in a whole new way that takes the exhaustion out of it.

What you’re saying makes sense, however, it is hard to see it that way. I should be pleased about myself, I have two successful businesses, my own house etc. It’s not like I haven’t been in relationships or been on dates, just haven’t ultimately worked out for one reason or another. Mostly as I’ve never been aligned with someone on key topics. Dates don’t feel ‘fun’ because nearly every problem I could tell you about, isn’t common to me. It is accepted this is what modern dating is like. It is a hard slog. I don’t really enjoy spending 90 mins to 3 hours with a stranger I may not be talking to tomorrow, let alone next week. It is like you need to know a lot about someone just to go on a date or it’s wasted time. Most people say first dates don’t go anywhere, why is that?

[Leihla_B]

43 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

What you’re saying makes sense, however, it is hard to see it that way.

Actually, it's not. It's only as difficult as you choose to make it. It's a decision.

Quote

I should be pleased about myself, I have two successful businesses, my own house etc.

Good, so then, what's the rush that has you white knuckling yourself through dating?

Quote

It’s not like I haven’t been in relationships or been on dates, just haven’t ultimately worked out for one reason or another. Mostly as I’ve never been aligned with someone on key topics.

This is natural odds and a level playing field for everyone else, too. Most people are NOT our match.

Quote

Dates don’t feel ‘fun’ because nearly every problem I could tell you about, isn’t common to me.

Well, if you're not even having fun, then that translates to your dates, and they won't enjoy you, either. So you end up wasting everyone's time, especially yours.

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It is accepted this is what modern dating is like. It is a hard slog.

I know many people who don't view it that way. But I think you're raising the problem below...

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I don’t really enjoy spending 90 mins to 3 hours with a stranger I may not be talking to tomorrow, let alone next week. It is like you need to know a lot about someone just to go on a date or it’s wasted time. Most people say first dates don’t go anywhere, why is that?

Well, why on earth are you spending 90 minutes to 3 hours with a stranger? That IS an expensive time waster. Most people set up a fast drink or coffee to check one another out. You can usually tell within 15 to 20 minutes whether you'd want to contact someone again to invite them for a real date afterward.

Give it a shot, and you'll learn why it's so much simpler and more fun to weed through the haystack quickly until you find a potential needle. THAT is the person you ask for a real date--one you can enjOy rather than treat like a chore.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

Mostly as I’ve never been aligned with someone on key topics

What are those key topics you can't aligned with anyone?

You don't need to know a lot about someone to grab a coffee with them. You need to know first if you are both looking for the same type of relationship. You need to know if she works, already has kids, has a healthy life style. All this can be sqeezed in a 1st conversation.