How do I overcome the complications of dating and avoid drama?

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

. I don’t really enjoy spending 90 mins to 3 hours with a stranger I may not be talking to tomorrow

We've been telling you for a very long time to not do this on a first date.  If you're choosing to continue with this, you can only blame yourself

Regarding not aligning on key topics,:  if this thing is important to you, put it in your bio so that those who have strongly different views will filter themselves out and those who agree will be more likely to match with you

Edited October 7 by basil67

[Lamron300]

On 10/7/2024 at 11:18 PM, Leihla_B said:

Actually, it's not. It's only as difficult as you choose to make it. It's a decision.

Good, so then, what's the rush that has you white knuckling yourself through dating?

I know many people who don't view it that way. But I think you're raising the problem below...

Well, why on earth are you spending 90 minutes to 3 hours with a stranger? That IS an expensive time waster. Most people set up a fast drink or coffee to check one another out. You can usually tell within 15 to 20 minutes whether you'd want to contact someone again to invite them for a real date afterward.

Give it a shot, and you'll learn why it's so much simpler and more fun to weed through the haystack quickly until you find a potential needle. THAT is the person you ask for a real date--one you can enjOy rather than treat like a chore.

I don’t think you see my point. As a 31 year old male in the UK, what I’m telling you is a lot of women on these apps don’t want to have kids. I am saying I have had different types of relationships but now I’m at the age I want to settle down and have common ground. It’s not exactly a rush, but if people don’t have common ground with me, there is no point continuing. I am not saying kids within a short timeframe, or even a specific timeframe, but if the relationship goes well then that’s the goal in my head. I’ve been manipulated in the past by ex partner who I had nothing in common with, so now I’m more eagle eyed with things like this.

In terms of dates, I 100% agree that is how it should be! But that just isnt how OLD is . There is 17 men for each 1 woman on online dating, women don’t have to settle for a 15 minute taster date. For example, I was speaking to a woman a few weeks ago and she had bowling picture in her profile, I asked if she got a strike and she said ‘I can’t remember, maybe one day you’ll be lucky enough to take me out bowling’. It sort of annoyed me as that’s the mentality, you should take out and ‘treat’ a random stranger. 

On a light note, I went on a date on Wednesday and it was very good. She looked like her pictures, had a nice time over dinner. But going back to your point she suggested dinner, she suggested the location ‘my friend xx recommends we go to this restaurant’ and she drove to my town which is 35 minutes from her. It would’ve been rude for me to counter with, not feeling dinner, how about a quick coffee? 

[Lamron300]

On 10/7/2024 at 11:28 PM, Gaeta said:

What are those key topics you can't aligned with anyone?

You don't need to know a lot about someone to grab a coffee with them. You need to know first if you are both looking for the same type of relationship. You need to know if she works, already has kids, has a healthy life style. All this can be sqeezed in a 1st conversation.

People often say what sounds good, not what they truly want. Like I know a lot of guys say they want a relationship just to deceive women. I also know women who aren’t truthful about what they want (e.g my ex gf).

I want someone who has a good work ethic (or they won’t understand why I work the way I do). Someone who wants kids, lives a healthy lifestyle etc. Someone who is honest and logical. For example, I was speaking a month ago with a woman and I got tired of online and asked to meet up. She said yes it would be nice. She said me a voicenote and basically said that she’s busy with life right now and she’s got ‘dates’ lined up and she knows most people wouldn’t want to wait and she would understand if I unmatch her. I obviously did instantly. The thing that annoyed me was I was being open minded (she was late 30s with 1 kid), not someone I would go for usually and still wasted time. If she has ‘dates’ lined up and is busy, why waste my time? A lot of people are like that on apps nowadays. Why not go on those dates lined up first, instead of just collecting matches and wasting peoples time. That’s why hinge has now said you can only have 8 convos live at a time. 
 

 

[Lamron300]

On 10/7/2024 at 11:42 PM, basil67 said:

We've been telling you for a very long time to not do this on a first date.  If you're choosing to continue with this, you can only blame yourself

Regarding not aligning on key topics,:  if this thing is important to you, put it in your bio so that those who have strongly different views will filter themselves out and those who agree will be more likely to match with you

I am not choosing to do that. It isn’t that easy to get a non flakey date now on OLD ( as a man, anyway). Women have a lot of choice, even the catfishes till they get caught out. People seem to want to be wined and dined and a lot of women have stuff on their profile like ‘ let’s be different and do something interesting on first date instead of drinks’. I 100% do not want to waste time and money on a stranger. 

As I said, the date I went on Wednesday was good but she suggested the activity: dinner and location : my town and the time she was free. Because she made effort to come up with a plan, I said yes. It was a nice date and I think what made it different was she was looking forward to it. I think when people are looking forward to a date, they put more effort. How do you know if someone is generally excited to see you or if they just have the mentality of yeah it’s a drink, let’s see how it goes?

In terms of alignment, for example my date was 9 years younger than me. I don’t tend to date people younger, in fact I don’t think I ever have. Not as a rule, just a coincidence I guess. She seemed very mature and talked about her career goals and seems very well educated. But on the flip side I’m not sure about some hobbies which is an age thing, she goes to ‘raves’. I’m 31, not old by any means but I wouldn’t be caught dead in a ‘rave’ 
 

We arranged a second date for Monday.