How do I overcome the complications of dating and avoid drama?

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

specifically told her when we first started talking what I was looking for. 

shopping mentality🙄

[Lamron300]

16 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

This is gold^^^^ (a lot of the advice you've been given is so good, even if it varies from one piece to the other).  Here's a common theme though...you need to learn to let things roll off your back. You are pretty fatalistic and trying to control or AVOID disappointment when you cannot control other people, only can control yourself. So just to be really basic here with you...what would a smart person do if he/she couldn't control one variable, ie what other people will do/decide to do? Control yourself, that's right. Control your reactions, control your expectations, put a plan and routine in place that supplements and supports your goals. IMO, in this case, regarding online dating, it would cover many of the pieces of advice you've been given.

*Date a lot for the numbers game of it all--so you can more quickly get to that "right" person. 

*Deal with your anxiety, overthinking and negativity. (sorry, I've said this to you before and it seems absolutely the same) Not only does this affect you, your internal life...but I'm gonna guarantee when a good girl comes along, you have a high probability of blowing it with her because if she is worthy, she's not going to be into this stuff. You will not be up to par when you aren't closer to your best self. Dating is not just a "search". If you are not a good 'product/dateable person", you can search all you like but it's not likely to go well when you find the one you want. I maintain that you still need some therapy.

*As far as getting more comfortable with everything..try this below (it's great advice) and you'd do better if you opened up a bit. I know you walk your dog. Do you say hi to people you pass? Make a little small talk? Basically it's stuff like this that is the building blocks of better social connection with anyone, everyone and eventually will pay dividends for your dating life as well. (by eventually, it doesn't even necessarily mean DISTANT future, it could happen rapidly as well). 

 

My anxiety is well founded, it is not like I am nervous/anxious about dating in the sense that it is a date. I have been dating online since 2013, so I have been on so many dates. My anxiety/nerves are due to the frustration of online dating. I feel like I've wasted a good chunk of my 20s on OLD, for ultimately, poor results. I'm always suspicious of my potential dates, about what they are hiding and usually comes out to be true. I am far from perfect, but I am an open book and I made sure I am in a postion to date, subject to finding the right person. I've As I said, my date on Wednesday got married young and divorced, had to sell her house and still hasn't changed her name. She is now living with her parents. I didn't know this information. I don't care about judging her as it isn't my business, but I would have felt she may not be ready to date and very likely not have gone on the date. I didn't feel an attraction to her after the date and she is being quite pushy for me to be friends with her (as she isn't looking to date anyone). My point is, at least she told me (after me not messaging her for two days) what her thinking is. The issue is it has happened so many times on OLD. It is exhausting going on a million first dates. As a guy it is hard to get dates as it is as there is a lot more guys than women on apps.

I never chase/reflect more interest if i can feel a vibe change. My potential date for saturday (day and time agreed, no venue discussed) just got back from holiday. The vibe seems a lot different and she isn't really responding, not for the last 8 hours. I am not going to chase it up, but it has irritated me, not going to lie.

Sorry this post was more of a moan, tomorrow I will think of a positive way forward including expanding social circle

[Lamron300]

7 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

shopping mentality🙄

I am upfront with people with what I am looking for on a dating site, it is best to cut to the chase. I used to say wishy washy things like 'lets see how it goes or looking to meet people'. Didn't get me anywhere.

Lets face it, OLD is kind of like a shop. I am not there to make friends, which she even said herself(her exact words were I have enough friends). Thats why I find her disingenuous. If she truly does want 'to keep in touch', what does that even consist of? we aren't freinds.

Edited September 26, 2023 by Lamron300

[Wiseman2]

There's really two first steps to OLD. The first is filtering through the app and initial messages but the most important is meeting in person to assess mutual interest and chemistry.

However at any point along this trajectory (viewing profile, filtering, messaging, meeting, etc.) The key to preventing burnout is to recognize red flags and deal breakers early on and cut your losses. 

[Lamron300]

7 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

There's really two first steps to OLD. The first is filtering through the app and initial messages but the most important is meeting in person to assess mutual interest and chemistry.

However at any point along this trajectory (viewing profile, filtering, messaging, meeting, etc.) The key to preventing burnout is to recognize red flags and deal breakers early on and cut your losses. 

I try and filter my best. As I said, I can’t remember last time I gave out my number. People usually get tired of messaging on the app and give me their number, it’s part of my filtering process. I don’t like asking people explicitly what they are looking for as I think this can sometimes be ascertained through talking. I do answer if I’m asked. 

I don’t want my phone full of people who ghost. I have accepted it is part of OLD, it’s a phenomenon no one can explain. I have come across a lot of red flags only shortly prior to a date or sometimes after or sometimes by accident when social media is exchanged. I struggle with it as I’m an empathetic person but at the same time, it has got me nowhere. 
 

For example, my potential date for Saturday (who I really got along with, up till today) mentioned she has been to therapy recently and discussed weird dreams she had. No problem with therapy, I went myself months ago. But after what happened with my date on Wednesday, I’m thinking what if there is more to it?? The thing is, I’m not judging  people, but when/If it impacts me (being ghosted or suddenly changing) then I am better off avoiding. I’m so burnout from OLD I can’t even stomach a little bit of drama/confusion. I don’t mind straight up rejection, but games etc annoy me. 

[Gaeta]

16 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I don’t like asking people explicitly what they are looking for as I think this can sometimes be ascertained through talking

So you date without a plan and you're all over the place. 

When I was online my goal was to find a serious relationship. Right after saying 'hello' my question was "what are you looking for". I was on there to find a partner and I had no time to waste on chitchatting with men who'd tell me after 3 days they just want to casually date. I am curious how you proceed in your other goals in life, do you decide it's time to get fit, head to the gym but make 3 stops at the bakery on your way? It's a little bit how you handle your dating. You need a goal and a plan to get to it, and stick to that plan. You date very passively and you're getting nothing. 

Too many people on your phone? You know you can block and delete after you said your good byes right. I don't know where you get the idea you'll end up with a bunch of ghosters on your phone. It has to be some type of excuse you're hanging on to. 

Edited September 27, 2023 by Gaeta

[Versacehottie]

18 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

My anxiety is well founded, it is not like I am nervous/anxious about dating in the sense that it is a date. I have been dating online since 2013, so I have been on so many dates. My anxiety/nerves are due to the frustration of online dating. I feel like I've wasted a good chunk of my 20s on OLD, for ultimately, poor results. I'm always suspicious of my potential dates, about what they are hiding and usually comes out to be true. I am far from perfect, but I am an open book and I made sure I am in a postion to date, subject to finding the right person. I've As I said, my date on Wednesday got married young and divorced, had to sell her house and still hasn't changed her name. She is now living with her parents. I didn't know this information. I don't care about judging her as it isn't my business, but I would have felt she may not be ready to date and very likely not have gone on the date. I didn't feel an attraction to her after the date and she is being quite pushy for me to be friends with her (as she isn't looking to date anyone). My point is, at least she told me (after me not messaging her for two days) what her thinking is. The issue is it has happened so many times on OLD. It is exhausting going on a million first dates. As a guy it is hard to get dates as it is as there is a lot more guys than women on apps.

I never chase/reflect more interest if i can feel a vibe change. My potential date for saturday (day and time agreed, no venue discussed) just got back from holiday. The vibe seems a lot different and she isn't really responding, not for the last 8 hours. I am not going to chase it up, but it has irritated me, not going to lie.

Sorry this post was more of a moan, tomorrow I will think of a positive way forward including expanding social circle

I wouldn't necessarily pin your anxiety down to acting nervous on a date. You seem to have the kind that is very limiting, avoiding things or more accurately in the case of you trying to date, TRYING to avoid things, a general negative and uptight outlook. It's all over your threads, your description of your dates, etc. It IS the way you live your life. You think you are going to walk into a date and suddenly hide what you spent the last 23 hours/7 days a week doing. You've made a groove in your brain of that's how your thought patterns go. There is literally NO way you are concealing this. The woman might not be able to pinpoint why she doesn't have fun, get enthusiastic about you or stuff like that but guaranteed she is feeling some of you having these feelings. No two ways about it. Listen, you couldn't even reply to me where I called you out for this issue without going into more negativity, excuses and your limitations. This  is your default pattern. It will always come out in your speech (or writing) patterns because it mirrors your thought patterns so unless you deal with it, you are just taking a broken Lamron into every date...all of which you are low-key dreading btw. 

Second bolded, this is not the way to start a budding relationship. Again, you think girls can't feel that vibe from you? And you think feeling like that doesn't affect the outcome of your dates? Um it does...You have conformation bias with saying that it usually comes out to be true. What if what you are doing plays a role in contributing to a failed relationship? These things don't happen in a bubble. People with anxiety constantly act as if the rest of the variables around them are fixed, including their dates' interest level, behavior etc. They don't seem to get that their own behavior will affect the outcome---could be positive or negative. They make assumptions and come to conclusions--it's all an effort of the brain trying to figure out every scenario and deal with every threat but ultimately when you reach the level you have, it's not helpful toward your goals or interpersonal relationships.

You'd do better to "take responsibility" if you want to give yourself more true control. But what you are doing is placing blame, making excuses to the nth degree. They are all exterior explanations for the things that happen to you, thus you truly have little to no control over them. You are merely going through life on threat level 10. If you took responsibility, which might mean creating interior and personal explanations for some of what happens in your life, you could start to make changes that would actually affect and change the outcome of your life. 

I'm not talking about the specifics, such as the girl on Wednesday or the girl this coming saturday. If you created more personal responsibility for your happiness and you found that saturday girl is annoying to you, you'd move on without going on the date perhaps. Or you'd clean slate and go with a good and open attitude rather than hold grudges when you don't know the entire story. If you had more personal responsibility then you would be more confident in your own abilities to eventually get what you need. I would agree with Gaeta that you are all over the place in some ways--ie dragging your feet through the way you date bc you hate it and expecting a good outcome is just ridiculous.  As well as being suspicious and annoyed by your dates before even date one. You have to get more comfortable that things might just not work out because they are't meant to work out, not compatible or you aren't interest in that person, ie nice but not for me.  If someone is flakey with you and it seems as if the date isn't going to happen, well then toughen up and either turn it around because you never know or decide you were somewhat on the fence about them anyway and move on. You also realize that the way you are INTERPRETING her vibe, etc can be just your perspective, your sensitivity which again boils down to anxiety in part. I think for anxious people a good solution when you feel like you are starting to interpret someone's behavior in a negative (or flakey way in this case) is just ask her. What are you afraid of? What is the worst that can happen? 

Anyway I don't really want you to answer these questions to me but ask yourself.

19 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Sorry this post was more of a moan, tomorrow I will think of a positive way forward including expanding social circle

I'm glad you are recognizing this--that yes it absolutely was a moan--a more positive way forward is key for you. I'm sure of it. Im not sure you can do it alone. I still maintain that you need therapy. The way you go negative is deeply entrenched. I'm thinking of your overall life, quality of life. It's so much bigger than you finding a partner. I think if you find one in this state, she will be substandard to what you could get if your mindset was healthy.

[Lamron300]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

So you date without a plan and you're all over the place. 

When I was online my goal was to find a serious relationship. Right after saying 'hello' my question was "what are you looking for". I was on there to find a partner and I had no time to waste on chitchatting with men who'd tell me after 3 days they just want to casually date. I am curious how you proceed in your other goals in life, do you decide it's time to get fit, head to the gym but make 3 stops at the bakery on your way? It's a little bit how you handle your dating. You need a goal and a plan to get to it, and stick to that plan. You date very passively and you're getting nothing. 

Too many people on your phone? You know you can block and delete after you said your good byes right. I don't know where you get the idea you'll end up with a bunch of ghosters on your phone. It has to be some type of excuse you're hanging on to. 

I know what I want, but don't know how to get it. Been online dating for ten years and so many implausible situations have happened. Like the woman on Wednesday who was a time waster, I don't mind as I wasn't into her and she lied about her appearance, however, this has happened so many times (over ten). I'm 30 and don't want to waste my time. She said she was looking for a life partner, then decided she doesn't want to date. I'm just using her as an example as people can say what you want to hear or change their mind etc. I am dating with intention, but you have to appreciate it is not like there is an endless source of emotionally available woman with no baggage online. Problem with online is the app is free to use (I pay), so people who are bored, just want attention or a text buddy can sign up. I just read what I've written and it sounds a bit resentful and bitter, I don't meant it that way lol, I'm just frustrated with what should be simple. I also have people who just want to be pen pals and chat all the time, even asking me the same question because they forget they've already asked before. These things aren't big deals in isolation, but when you're already irritated about dating its a bit more of a sting.

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I know what I want, but don't know how to get it

And you're not very open to change your ways. You have a lot of explanation on why it's not working but you're closed to our suggestions. 

[Lamron300]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

And you're not very open to change your ways. You have a lot of explanation on why it's not working but you're closed to our suggestions. 

I've taken your suggestions on board.

[Lamron300]

5 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

I wouldn't necessarily pin your anxiety down to acting nervous on a date. You seem to have the kind that is very limiting, avoiding things or more accurately in the case of you trying to date, TRYING to avoid things, a general negative and uptight outlook. It's all over your threads, your description of your dates, etc. It IS the way you live your life. You think you are going to walk into a date and suddenly hide what you spent the last 23 hours/7 days a week doing. You've made a groove in your brain of that's how your thought patterns go. There is literally NO way you are concealing this. The woman might not be able to pinpoint why she doesn't have fun, get enthusiastic about you or stuff like that but guaranteed she is feeling some of you having these feelings. No two ways about it. Listen, you couldn't even reply to me where I called you out for this issue without going into more negativity, excuses and your limitations. This  is your default pattern. It will always come out in your speech (or writing) patterns because it mirrors your thought patterns so unless you deal with it, you are just taking a broken Lamron into every date...all of which you are low-key dreading btw. 

Anyway I don't really want you to answer these questions to me but ask yourself.

I'm glad you are recognizing this--that yes it absolutely was a moan--a more positive way forward is key for you. I'm sure of it. Im not sure you can do it alone. I still maintain that you need therapy. The way you go negative is deeply entrenched. I'm thinking of your overall life, quality of life. It's so much bigger than you finding a partner. I think if you find one in this state, she will be substandard to what you could get if your mindset was healthy.

This is really helpful and I agree with all of it, apart from the moving on part. For example, with the Saturday girl, I don't know her enough to decide either way if this is just a oversight or if she is ignoring. I'm not the kind of person to double text and if someone wants to speak they can message me.  

What you say is true though, except for the date I have arranged on Sunday with the girl I have been on 5 dates with, what have I done this week towards my own personal development/social life/health? Nothing. I'm just so focused on somehow striking lucky with online dating, I've forgotten to look at myself and see what I can improve.

I don't want to mix up my frustration with online dating, which many people have...with being relentlessly negative about dating in general. I believe that there is something good out there, but I don't think it is online. I have so many matches, some translate to dates and dates don't necessarily translate to anything. It is trial and error, maybe me moaning is part of my naivety. 

[Versacehottie]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

I agree with all of it, apart from the moving on part. For example, with the Saturday girl, I don't know her enough to decide either way if this is just a oversight or if she is ignoring. I'm not the kind of person to double text and if someone wants to speak they can message me.  

ok that's fine that you don't know well enough to decide. This is a perfect learning example of how you need to embrace some uncertainty for one. If you don't know, I would say you should attempt to go. You know how much of life happens in this grey uncertain area? Nearly all of it!  This is a function of your anxiety where if you don't have the answer or a guarantee you are almost paralyzed. So step one is embrace the uncertainty...that will be a constant in life, including in dating. 

Step two, for this specific situation (although you could apply to others in the future as well) is why are you so rigid and inflexible that you won't double text? What is the story you are telling yourself about what that means in this specific context? How could you do things differently THIS TIME? What is the worst that can happen? What is the best that can happen? Most importantly, will you survive if you double text? Um yes...then if she is rude or flakey you can write her off with CERTAINTY...

Part of what life gives us is the feedback we use for the stories we tell ourselves about OURSELVES. Read that again. What does repeatedly staying in your comfort zone teach you about yourself? That people won't do right by you, that dating is hard/difficult/miserable/a chore, that you have fear and limitations; that you are stuck, that you lack confidence and that you're being poor at this dating stuff and put upon, that idea is CONTINUALLY REINFORCED by how you handle it...if you are going to go the same route. What if you do something different? Not necessarily with the expectation that the other person may do something different (over which you can't control her outcome). But if you do something different, you should be opening up the possibilities for yourself and growing your confidence. Regardless of what her reaction or if you go on a date or if the date goes well you can tell yourself a story the reinforces the guy you want, and need to be, to have the life you want. 

for the italicized part...if you stay in this limiting mentality you will continue to get poor dating (and life!) results. You are operating from a place of fear (perhaps disguised as bravado or whatever). You are also angry at her and resentful before you've even gone on one date! Do you think this is going to improve if you continue to get more and more jaded, isolated, angry, unconfident, etc? I'm glad you want to do some personal growth. If I was in your shoes and I wanted to go (bc I don't know how I feel about this girl and don't want to waste the investment I already put into it--or better yet, am OPEN to whatever vibe being "off" being a misjudgment on my part or that good stuff could still happen between us), then absolutely text again in a confident way. You need to lower the stakes as that is in part what fuels your anxiety. And find a personal story in your head that works for why you would follow up with her. When I think someone has done me wrong, one that I use all the time, is that irregardless, I want to be my best self so how I operate in the world is an expression of that. So for example, if you think the vibe is off, you can still proceed as if you are the gentleman who is going on a date with her on Saturday. Then if she is still being a jerk, the story of YOU stays intact and you can write her off as the jerk that is not worthy of being in your life, or better yet, not ready or best of all, simply "not for me" and don't waste any time brooding on it. 

I know you are a smart guy but you cannot strategize or think your way out of the anxiety and stuff that is holding you back. You have an answer for everything as smart people often do. But where is it getting you? Nowhere. It's paralyzing you. Also I would just also say that a confident, dateable guy could easily reach out with confidence and an assuredness about himself and that the date is happening. Also don't you wonder why her vibe is changing if indeed you are not perceiving it incorrectly? I maintain that it's very likely bc some of your conversations leading up to the date have been lackluster or exposed your anxious/negative nature and she's not into that. Like I said, you can't hide it. It would come out within a couple of texts. 

Lastly with the "shopping" mentality...that's also that you need to be able to deal with some uncertainty. People are going to date/say they are into dating until they don't want to. They are gathering information and evidence about what it would be like to date you. You seem to have this weird fixation on well I said what I was looking for so why aren't they serious about it. Um they are and most of them mean it until they have enough information not to want to pursue it any more. Sometimes that happens within a couple of texts, sometimes a couple of dates, sometimes a few months. If all goes well, maybe it will last a lifetime. But there are no guarantees, despite what you say you are "looking for" and what they say. You need to get past this. It doesn't represent how people operate in the world and AGAIN referring to your anxious behavior, this is another common one--anxious people get stuck in how they WANT the world to be, how it SHOULD be (according to them!) rather than dealing with it AS IT IS. That is just a reality of life, that anxious people are terrible at. You will constantly make yourself disappointed. I feel like anxious people compromise some of the smartest people that are out there..but on this very important aspect they often fail over and over again. It's really one of the dumbest things a person can do. Accept reality, you will be a lot happier and more nimble in this world. (lol I know you are gonna argue that point but I'm tired of typing so I can't explain haha). Good luck

[Acacia98]

On 9/26/2023 at 5:15 AM, Versacehottie said:

This is gold^^^^ (a lot of the advice you've been given is so good, even if it varies from one piece to the other).  Here's a common theme though...you need to learn to let things roll off your back. You are pretty fatalistic and trying to control or AVOID disappointment when you cannot control other people, only can control yourself. So just to be really basic here with you...what would a smart person do if he/she couldn't control one variable, ie what other people will do/decide to do? Control yourself, that's right. Control your reactions, control your expectations, put a plan and routine in place that supplements and supports your goals. IMO, in this case, regarding online dating, it would cover many of the pieces of advice you've been given.

(...)

*I'd say the most important thing for you specifically is to ACCEPT that the majority of people you meet are NOT going to be your person. Shift your mindset. It's a constant for you that you've needed to shift your mindset in general.  Another example is if you keep telling yourself you "hate dating/OLD" you will find it pretty miserable. How can you shift your mentality to make each date more enjoyable? It doesn't have to be a love match to be enjoyable. One and done can be enjoyable if only to take a funny story from it or have a friendly conversation. Practice those skills.

(...)

*Deal with your anxiety, overthinking and negativity. (sorry, I've said this to you before and it seems absolutely the same) Not only does this affect you, your internal life...but I'm gonna guarantee when a good girl comes along, you have a high probability of blowing it with her because if she is worthy, she's not going to be into this stuff. You will not be up to par when you aren't closer to your best self. Dating is not just a "search". If you are not a good 'product/dateable person", you can search all you like but it's not likely to go well when you find the one you want. I maintain that you still need some therapy.

*keep trying to expand your social circle, social activities, things you do for fun. It's all a place to meet people of all sorts--friends AND possible dates. I say this all the time but a new guy friend could actually turn out to be the thing that "links" you to the woman you ultimately end up with. So expanding your social circle is not just "nice-to-have" or auxiliary or when you get around to it,--every day you aren't doing it, is a missed opportunity for an organic connection with a like-minded person. Obviously, you have to be online but still a lot of the best matches come from people's REAL lives...so you should do that for sure! Also did you know that women typically are more attracted to a guy who has friends/a social life? In a way, you keep repeating the same mistake--sort of treating your OLD like a shopping expedition and not improving your OVERALL life in general.  Then you are sort of surprised that the quality of your life hasn't improved and that you are not more magnetic. 

(...)

*Lastly, time is going to pass anyway. Even if you do find the perfect girlfriend in a relatively short amount of time. I sort of think you are in a critical state to figure out (with or without a partner), how to get more (any?) happiness out of life. You need to figure out how to access this part within yourself by how you conduct your day to day, the thought patterns you have, you social support network, etc. 

*As far as getting more comfortable with everything..try this below (it's great advice) and you'd do better if you opened up a bit. I know you walk your dog. Do you say hi to people you pass? Make a little small talk? Basically it's stuff like this that is the building blocks of better social connection with anyone, everyone and eventually will pay dividends for your dating life as well. (by eventually, it doesn't even necessarily mean DISTANT future, it could happen rapidly as well). 

 

I agree with the gist of this post, OP. Like Versacehottie, I get the impression that you should focus on addressing your issues outside the context of dating. Therapy would be a good idea. You seem to have broader issues that impact your worldview and experiences as a whole, not just your dating experience.

[Lamron300]

2 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I agree with the gist of this post, OP. Like Versacehottie, I get the impression that you should focus on addressing your issues outside the context of dating. Therapy would be a good idea. You seem to have broader issues that impact your worldview and experiences as a whole, not just your dating experience.

What makes you say that?

[Lamron300]

9 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

ok that's fine that you don't know well enough to decide. This is a perfect learning example of how you need to embrace some uncertainty for one. If you don't know, I would say you should attempt to go. You know how much of life happens in this grey uncertain area? Nearly all of it!  This is a function of your anxiety where if you don't have the answer or a guarantee you are almost paralyzed. So step one is embrace the uncertainty...that will be a constant in life, including in dating. 

I know you are a smart guy but you cannot strategize or think your way out of the anxiety and stuff that is holding you back. You have an answer for everything as smart people often do. But where is it getting you? Nowhere. It's paralyzing you. Also I would just also say that a confident, dateable guy could easily reach out with confidence and an assuredness about himself and that the date is happening. Also don't you wonder why her vibe is changing if indeed you are not perceiving it incorrectly? I maintain that it's very likely bc some of your conversations leading up to the date have been lackluster or exposed your anxious/negative nature and she's not into that. Like I said, you can't hide it. It would come out within a couple of texts. 

Lastly with the "shopping" mentality...that's also that you need to be able to deal with some uncertainty. People are going to date/say they are into dating until they don't want to. They are gathering information and evidence about what it would be like to date you. You seem to have this weird fixation on well I said what I was looking for so why aren't they serious about it. Um they are and most of them mean it until they have enough information not to want to pursue it any more. Sometimes that happens within a couple of texts, sometimes a couple of dates, sometimes a few months. If all goes well, maybe it will last a lifetime. But there are no guarantees, despite what you say you are "looking for" and what they say. You need to get past this. It doesn't represent how people operate in the world and AGAIN referring to your anxious behavior, this is another common one--anxious people get stuck in how they WANT the world to be, how it SHOULD be (according to them!) rather than dealing with it AS IT IS. That is just a reality of life, that anxious people are terrible at. You will constantly make yourself disappointed. I feel like anxious people compromise some of the smartest people that are out there..but on this very important aspect they often fail over and over again. It's really one of the dumbest things a person can do. Accept reality, you will be a lot happier and more nimble in this world. (lol I know you are gonna argue that point but I'm tired of typing so I can't explain haha). Good luck

Okay, I have slept on this post and feel like I can adequately discuss my responses. 

I would say I have good intuition. For example, the girl who I dated last Wednesday, didn't start a convo for two days after the date. This is someone who was sending 6/7 minute voice notes and messaging all day prior to the meeting. As I said, I don't message people or double message if I feel a vibe change and I am usually right. This had nothing to do with me, so I'm 100% fine with it as I wasn't into her anyway. 'Before the date, she said lets meet in the carpark first, I may be weird for 15 minutes' . On the date it transpired she is like this in case things are awkward and people don't think she looks like what she does online (which is true, she didn't). After I didn't message her for two days, she then said she isn't looking to date anymore, which again I knew. If I had known she was divorced (had to sell her house and move in with her parents), I wouldn't have gone on the date. It sounds horrible and judgey and i don't mean it that way, but emotional availability is key. I'm done with trying to turn around a situation, I need something ready made. 

When I look at the overview of my situation it isn't 'critical' or threat level 10, I am concerned it is coming across wrong on the internet. I have been single for 8 months, I am currently going steady with two women, however, I want kids in the near future, so their suitability isn't right as they aren't at that stage for various reasons (too old in one case, too young in one case). I am used to being able to influence things, in OLD I feel like things are out of my hands. Even the people I matched with, I was most likely on the toilet whilst I was swiping...not like I did something in particular to get the matches.

If you had been bitten by a dog ten times, I bet you would be scared of dogs. So why is it different with OLD? I have met the same type of person 100s of times. I could give you so many examples of people I've met like the girl on Wednesday, thats why I keep going on about it.  What could I do differently if people are lying (maybe to themselves) about what they want or what stage they are at. It has happened so many times. I am clearly not stupid or naive, but online anybody can be anybody. My personal responsibility which you rightfully talk about is how I react and what I do to develop myself. I agree on that point. I am doing nothing. To be honest, dating is the only socialisation I am doing at the moment.

Here is just an example of how OLD sucks. I went to Portugal for a week earlier this month. I matched with a woman there, not expecting anything, just good light convo. Been speaking to her for the last three weeks. I stopped the other day as the negativity was getting so much. 'I have this problem which I can't talk about, wish I could etc etc'. I'm sure you're going to say I need to filter my matches better or you attract who you attract, but it never starts off like this. It always creeps in. Now you can see why I feel with online dating there is always a catch. Even when I'm not taking things seriously, can't have fun.

I do need to socialise more in real life and stick to it, without excuses.

[Weezy1973]

Try other apps / sites. It sounds like you’re only using Tinder. While it’s very popular, there’s not a lot of depth to it. You’re basically swiping right on anyone you feel is attractive enough to date. Attraction has pretty much nothing to do with compatibility, so if it’s the only criteria you’re using - which is all Tinder is - you’re going to get the types of results you’re getting. While it’s always a number game, using nothing except physical appearance for your selection criteria is going to increase those numbers by a lot.

A free site like OKCupid, for example, you can answer a bunch of questions which hones in on matches based on things other than looks. The more questions you answer, the more precise the match can get.

eHarmony is a paid site, but similar where you’re required to answer a bunch of questions, but it goes a step further with “guided” interactions before being able to message directly to set up a date. There aren’t nearly as many users, so it’s a different experience, but when you do get a match, in my experience, it was pretty accurate.

[Versacehottie]

5 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I'm sure you're going to say I need to filter my matches better or you attract who you attract, but it never starts off like this. It always creeps in. Now you can see why I feel with online dating there is always a catch. Even when I'm not taking things seriously, can't have fun.

I'm not going to say the bolded...This is why you need therapy for one. in fact, the opposite: You keep hoping you can change exterior circumstances so you have a different INTERIOR experiences of life/happiness....and I'm saying you need to change your interior life, that within yourself and your mind to have a different life/happiness. Even if you filtered better (an anxiety-provoked response; fear-based), it won't prevent you from meeting losers, girls who aren't looking for what you hope, girls who are exactly what you want but not into you. 

Your message to me...comes across as definitely more "excuses"..I realize a portion of it is "further explanation" to me. But you are ruminating....You are also DRAWING CONCLUSIONS from exterior events in life which affect your ability as you move through future life. It's all filtered through a negative lens. 

You could be a great looking guy with your career together and even somewhat charming (I have a hard time believing you get out of your own way enough to be charming but I digress)...anyway, I don't mean this to be mean but I wouldn't date you with your negative outlook and the way you approach the world. The fact that you are currently dating two women steadily is not the mark of success because you are clearly deeply unhappy and still not satisfied or even satificed.   You want to guess why that one girl started talking sort of problems to you bc you've laid the groundwork by what you talk about and how you see life so that she thinks it's fine and that you can each bond over negative things. 90% sure on that. 

Anyway, I don't want to keep pointing out what I'm noticing in your stuff as I don't think you are ready to hear it. I'm sure at some point in your life you will remember some of the stuff I've been encouraging you about. At a certain point you have to want this on your own.. There is also the thing that living so negatively is sooooo etched into how you live that you can't/don't really want to find a way out (that's another anxiety thing). You like being 'right"; you like the "predictive" nature of your thinking (that is semi-sarcastic btw).  You use the words always, never, regularly. I go back to my original advice on this thread specific to just dating: you need to get a thicker skin and more acceptance of the idea that MOST people aren't going to be for you. I mean if you want a gem, she's not going to be easy to find! Instead you react with irrational disappointment when the person is not who you want her to be. At an irrational point in dating too. Lots doesn't turn out right in those initial stages, until you build up more traction and knowledge about someone. Do you honestly think that your dates aren't saying the same about you sometimes? That you didn't turn out who they hope you would be? Sure they do.

 

[introverted1]

8 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I am currently going steady with two women,

What does this mean?  In my world, "going steady" = exclusively dating, bf/gf.  Clearly, this is not what you mean.

And why are you giving two women hopes of a serious r/s when this is not what you intend? 

8 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

If you had been bitten by a dog ten times, I bet you would be scared of dogs.

If I had been bitten by a dog 10 times, I would have to look at what I was doing to have created 10 separate situations where I could be bitten.  

 

8 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I have met the same type of person 100s of times.

Of course you have.  Anyone who has used OLD has had the experience of meeting time-wasters, people who are not emotionally available, people who don't look like their photos, people who say they want one thing but actually want something else... It's the nature of the beast.  And this is why the only solution is to change how you perceive and react to the people you meet, because you cannot change the people.  Yes, you can leave OLD completely and this will reduce the number of such people you meet, but it will also reduce the number of people you meet overall. A better approach would be to accept (without negativity or bitterness) that most of the people you meet will not be a fit for you.  Use those dates to work on being your best self, practice your banter, learn to flirt...  that way, when you have a date with someone who might actually be a fit, you are someone she will be attracted to.  

[Wiseman2]

Try to narrow your focus. For example you claim you would like a long term relationship, but then use geodating app on holiday and still chitchat with this one?

Try to focus on what your goals are and avoid just keeping busy or entertained with improbable matches. 

Agree that higher quality paid apps could narrow down the pool to more serious daters. For example eHarmony requires proof of ID and the step-by-step process makes it easier and rules out a lot of non viable matches. 

Also try to reframe things into "not a match" or "has potential". This way you won't feel like they're playing games because you can cut your losses sooner and move forward.

[Lamron300]

10 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Try other apps / sites. It sounds like you’re only using Tinder. While it’s very popular, there’s not a lot of depth to it. You’re basically swiping right on anyone you feel is attractive enough to date. Attraction has pretty much nothing to do with compatibility, so if it’s the only criteria you’re using - which is all Tinder is - you’re going to get the types of results you’re getting. While it’s always a number game, using nothing except physical appearance for your selection criteria is going to increase those numbers by a lot.

A free site like OKCupid, for example, you can answer a bunch of questions which hones in on matches based on things other than looks. The more questions you answer, the more precise the match can get.

eHarmony is a paid site, but similar where you’re required to answer a bunch of questions, but it goes a step further with “guided” interactions before being able to message directly to set up a date. There aren’t nearly as many users, so it’s a different experience, but when you do get a match, in my experience, it was pretty accurate.

I am using hinge, which is a relationship based app. You can filter for all sorts of personality traits etc. I’m a paid subscriber.

I’m not sure many people my age use E harmony but I’ll look into it

I’m craving excitement but I don’t know why I think it has to come from dating. I’ve considered sinking myself into hobbies but I’m always exhausted after work, mentally and physically!

I’m someone who is willing to take things slowly but I can’t even seem to get off the start line. Once people get comfortable with me they share things (problems) which is too soon/not appropriate early on in dating. The fact I want kids in the future is also complicating things. To date someone age appropriate; things need to move fast but also slow at the same time. I met my ex at 32, she lied about wanting kids till it came out she hated kids. Was an immense waste of time. 

[Lamron300]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try to narrow your focus. For example you claim you would like a long term relationship, but then use geodating app on holiday and still chitchat with this one?

Try to focus on what your goals are and avoid just keeping busy or entertained with improbable matches. 

Agree that higher quality paid apps could narrow down the pool to more serious daters. For example eHarmony requires proof of ID and the step-by-step process makes it easier and rules out a lot of non viable matches. 

Also try to reframe things into "not a match" or "has potential". This way you won't feel like they're playing games because you can cut your losses sooner and move forward.

Short term I’ll take feeling good about dating again. My friends are having the same issues online as me, which makes me feel worse.

It may be the case of trying different apps. Someone on here once suggested speed dating but I looked at many events and it was heavily male subscribed with few females. 
 

I want to let go of the experience with the woman last week, but I’m annoyed she got touchy with me as I don’t want to be friends. 

[basil67]

34 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I met my ex at 32, she lied about wanting kids till it came out she hated kids.

"lied" and "hated" are both very strong words.  

If she genuinely hated kids, it makes no sense that she'd lie about wanting them.  And how did you not know she hated kids till after you were in a relationship?  People who "hate" kids tend to do a side eye or grumble about kids whenever a child makes a noise or does something which they deemed inappropriate.  

I think the truth is likely closer to her being ambivalent about kids and then changed her mind and decided that she didn't want them.  

A tendency to catastrophise like this isn't going to help you find a girlfriend

Edited September 28, 2023 by basil67

[Lamron300]

43 minutes ago, basil67 said:

"lied" and "hated" are both very strong words.  

If she genuinely hated kids, it makes no sense that she'd lie about wanting them.  And how did you not know she hated kids till after you were in a relationship?  People who "hate" kids tend to do a side eye or grumble about kids whenever a child makes a noise or does something which they deemed inappropriate.  

I think the truth is likely closer to her being ambivalent about kids and then changed her mind and decided that she didn't want them.  

A tendency to catastrophise like this isn't going to help you find a girlfriend

I know she hated kids as she told me she hated kids. And she lied not that she definitely wanted them but she was on the fence. Anyway it was an anecdote not something I meant to address. Just something that’s a dealbreaker going fowards 

Edited September 28, 2023 by Lamron300

[Lamron300]

On 9/28/2023 at 7:02 PM, introverted1 said:

 

 

Of course you have.  Anyone who has used OLD has had the experience of meeting time-wasters, people who are not emotionally available, people who don't look like their photos, people who say they want one thing but actually want something else... It's the nature of the beast.  And this is why the only solution is to change how you perceive and react to the people you meet, because you cannot change the people.  Yes, you can leave OLD completely and this will reduce the number of such people you meet, but it will also reduce the number of people you meet overall. A better approach would be to accept (without negativity or bitterness) that most of the people you meet will not be a fit for you.  Use those dates to work on being your best self, practice your banter, learn to flirt...  that way, when you have a date with someone who might actually be a fit, you are someone she will be attracted to.  

This is the bit I’m struggling with. I’m getting burnt out knowing that most dates or convos from OLD don’t go anywhere. I’m not meeting people organically because I mostly working all the time, which makes me burnt out to do much else. I keep delaying joining local events.

With OLD I keep making the same mistakes and meeting the same kind of people. 

[Lamron300]

On 9/28/2023 at 11:55 AM, Weezy1973 said:

 

A free site like OKCupid, for example, you can answer a bunch of questions which hones in on matches based on things other than looks. The more questions you answer, the more precise the match can get.

eHarmony is a paid site, but similar where you’re required to answer a bunch of questions, but it goes a step further with “guided” interactions before being able to message directly to set up a date. There aren’t nearly as many users, so it’s a different experience, but when you do get a match, in my experience, it was pretty accurate.

I’ve recently tried bumble but that wasn’t any good. Women have to approach first and most of the matches expired before they talked. 

I’m becoming very impatient as I’m very paranoid about OLD. My intuition has been right about some situations lately. I understand you have to have a positive mindset, it’s just difficult. 
 

How can 40/50 matches result in 4 dates and none of any significance.