How do I overcome the complications of dating and avoid drama?

[Lamron300]

37 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Would I be right in thinking this is the crux of your dilemma?   The answer is that she's not right for you, or you're not ready for a relationship.   Let her go and figure yourself out

No. My issue is I don’t mind settling down, but I don’t want to be impulsive like in the past. Just in this thread for example, I went on 5/6 dates with a girl and then realised there was no chemistry. She was very nice, baked me cakes and got me gifts but she had a nervous personality due to past experiences so we couldn’t click. Last time I saw her she rented us a log cabin and at that point I felt even that scenario no chemistry. 
 

What I’m trying to say is I want to be in a healthy social position so if something doesn’t work out, I’m in a good position and right frame of mind. If I get in a relationship and see that person every weekend and be closed off as I have done in the past, things seem more catastrophic than they are as it feels like you have a social network when it’s just one person. 
 

I don’t want to mess anyone about, but I don’t want to be on the back foot? I don’t know if that makes sense. In the past I’ve always worried about what if someone isn’t being honest etc.

[Alpacalia]

11 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I’m having a big dilemma, which was the whole post idea. I’ve gone on about ten dates with the same person, we get on great and she is always keen to see me and arrange things. I like to get to know someone over a long period of time as in past relationships I haven’t picked up red flags. There is also a side of me which thinks not to settle down as it hasn’t worked out in the past. Objectively, I would have been better off being single than being in my past relationship of 2.5 years, not just in hindsight, as our values were not aligned from the beginning. 
 

I don’t want to mess anyone around and it’s not like I’m looking for the next best thing, but other people have asked me on dates. I want to be in a position that I have a healthy social life so if I do get in a relationship and it doesn’t work out, I can have a fresh mindset of ‘there’s someone else out there’. I forgave my ex twice prior to breaking up as I didn’t want to bother going through online dating and starting up with someone again. Which I now understand was naive. 
 

What I’m trying to say is, I want to make good decisions and I want to get to know people I have a good connection with, but I don’t want to mess anyone around. I feel hypocritical, if after ten dates someone was considering dating someone else I’d be livid. It’s like a protective mechanism..

I think that what you’re experiencing is completely normal and understandable. On one hand, you want to give this person a chance and see where things go. But on the other hand, you don’t want to limit yourself and potentially miss out on someone who could be a better fit for you.

I would personally appreciate if I had been on ten dates that the man was forthcoming with me and told me where he was at in his head. I mean, would you want someone to do that with you, or would you prefer they coast along in silence begrudging the dates rather than just telling you they’re trying to make up their mind? Trust me, women can read confusion and indecisiveness faster than your data plan.

I think the best course of action is to be transparent and honest with this person you’ve been seeing. Let them know that you enjoy their company and you’ve had a great time getting to know them, but you’re also trying to figure things out and want to be sure of your decisions. If she's as interested as you say, she'd appreciate your candidness and will hopefully be understanding of your position.

Edited March 26 by Alpacalia

[Lamron300]

38 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

I think that what you’re experiencing is completely normal and understandable. On one hand, you want to give this person a chance and see where things go. But on the other hand, you don’t want to limit yourself and potentially miss out on someone who could be a better fit for you.

I would personally appreciate if I had been on ten dates that the man was forthcoming with me and told me where he was at in his head. I mean, would you want someone to do that with you, or would you prefer they coast along in silence begrudging the dates rather than just telling you they’re trying to make up their mind? Trust me, women can read confusion and indecisiveness faster than your data plan.

I think the best course of action is to be transparent and honest with this person you’ve been seeing. Let them know that you enjoy their company and you’ve had a great time getting to know them, but you’re also trying to figure things out and want to be sure of your decisions. If she's as interested as you say, she'd appreciate your candidness and will hopefully be understanding of your position.

It’s not even that because I’m not that kind of person. In life there is always someone slimmer, richer, more attractive etc. I just want to be guarded. I’m happy with how things are going with her, but I don’t KNOW her deep down. Even after ten dates. Like with my ex partner, only after 6 months did I see major incompatibility. I don’t like to say I have trust issues as I have legitimately doubted people in last two relationships and been right. Saying I have trust issues sounds paranoid. 
 

I think it’s too do with OLD. I learnt not to expect people aren’t dating other people even though I don’t agree with it. So I feel to do the same. (I’m not saying she is doing that), I mean she seems very keen on me, but you never know.

I want to be cautious but not disrespectful? Should I just see how it goes?
 

Also I don’t want to mix up dates with connections. I’ve got a good connection with her, hence ten dates.. going on a first date with someone else may have nothing in common etc. 

[Wiseman2]

All you can do is pace yourself, see how it goes and leave the past in the past.

Definitely avoid attention seekers and rebounders. They'll take you for a ride because they want the ego boost of being pursued and courted and they seem to be interested until they dump you in the friendzone.

So sometimes it takes a while to get to know someone and what you're dealing with. That's ok. Like this lady after 10 dates. 

You also don't have to box yourself in a corner as long as neither of you want exclusivity. 

Edited March 26 by Wiseman2

[ZA Dater]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

All you can do is pace yourself, see how it goes and leave the past in the past.

Definitely avoid attention seekers and rebounders. They'll take you for a ride because they want the ego boost of being pursued and courted and they seem to be interested until they dump you in the friendzone.

So sometimes it takes a while to get to know someone and what you're dealing with. That's ok. Like this lady after 10 dates. 

You also don't have to box yourself in a corner as long as neither of you want exclusivity. 

Agree with this, leave the past, it's hard but in this situation it has little bearing on the current.

Revel in that fact you are getting to know someone like this and have had ten dates, it's an indication she enjoys spending time with you which is really positive.

As hard as it is, try not overthink OP.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

It’s not even that because I’m not that kind of person. In life there is always someone slimmer, richer, more attractive etc. I just want to be guarded. I’m happy with how things are going with her, but I don’t KNOW her deep down. Even after ten dates. Like with my ex partner, only after 6 months did I see major incompatibility. I don’t like to say I have trust issues as I have legitimately doubted people in last two relationships and been right. Saying I have trust issues sounds paranoid. 
 

I think it’s too do with OLD. I learnt not to expect people aren’t dating other people even though I don’t agree with it. So I feel to do the same. (I’m not saying she is doing that), I mean she seems very keen on me, but you never know.

I want to be cautious but not disrespectful? Should I just see how it goes?
 

Also I don’t want to mix up dates with connections. I’ve got a good connection with her, hence ten dates.. going on a first date with someone else may have nothing in common etc. 

Oh, sorry, I was under the impression that you wanted to possibly explore taking up the women that have asked you out on dates.

In that case, if you’re not really interested in any of these other women, then there’s no reason to muddy the waters and go on a date with them unless you feel that exploring that would help you confirm or deny your feelings for the woman you’ve gone out with ten times. You’ve already established that you’ve got a connection, so it seems like dating other women out of some sense of duty to the cause wouldn’t serve either you or them. 

If not, continue to get to know her without committing too much- explaining that you’re catalyzing on your experiences and to be cautious and take things slow with her until you’ve fully vetted her- sans judgment. 

On another note, I get where you’re coming from when you talk about not wanting to settle down too quickly because of past experiences, but at some point, you do have to take a leap of faith and trust that the person telling you they’re interested in you really is interested in you. Otherwise you’re just wasting time. If it’s not with her, then that’s your choice, of course.

Edited March 26 by Alpacalia

[Lamron300]

On 3/26/2024 at 9:20 PM, Wiseman2 said:

All you can do is pace yourself, see how it goes and leave the past in the past.

Definitely avoid attention seekers and rebounders. They'll take you for a ride because they want the ego boost of being pursued and courted and they seem to be interested until they dump you in the friendzone.

 

I keep reflecting before writing a post as I want to 'go with the flow', however, I don't feel like I'm in control. My issue isn't with any individual in particular, it is with the fact that I really need to assess people more and I can't put a number on that figure. 10 dates, 50 dates etc? As you said, rebounders and attention seekers have been the bane of my life. It takes a while to get to know this, though. As soon as someone talks about an 'ex' I get riled up internally. My previous two relationships ended due to my partner's texting their ex's behind my back for the whole relationship. People come onto online dating without having things resolved.

I have been on ten dates with one girl and the other girl I have been on 3 dates in a week. The other girl I have known for 4 years and I made the mistake of being with my ex instead of her and a while ago I made a hail Mary attempt to re-establish contact and she agreed to go on a date with me. I'm not this kind of person to be dating multiple people, I feel dishonest. I feel dishonest as they both put in effort that I know they wouldn't if they knew I was unsure. It's not about them why I can't decide, it's about the fact I've been to quick to settle down in the past and has always ended badly. I want to establish a good social life for someone who has moved to a new town and turned 30. I want to feel confident if things don't work out, I can move on quickly. My past two relationships they deceived me into moving in with me rent free and even when I knew things weren't working I felt bad to chuck them out. I don't want to waste anyone's time, but I also want to retain my independence whilst I figure out what is best for me.

[Lamron300]

On 3/26/2024 at 9:27 PM, ZA Dater said:

Agree with this, leave the past, it's hard but in this situation it has little bearing on the current.

Revel in that fact you are getting to know someone like this and have had ten dates, it's an indication she enjoys spending time with you which is really positive.

As hard as it is, try not overthink OP.

I am also enjoying spending time with her and she wants us to plan a holiday together. However, I don't want to make same mistakes as in the past. For example, we've been on ten dates and haven't slept together (which isn't a problem) the last time I saw her she slept round my house but had a bad cough and she was apologetic as she said she has intended to seduce me. In my previous relationship my ex had a low libido and as soon as we got into a relationship she would guilt trip me for wanting intimacy. So in my head, I want to make sure I'm compatible with someone on that front, however, I am a laid back person and don't want to feel like I'm being suggestive. 

I want to have my options open but not waste anyones time. As a bachelor, I feel like I should get to know more people (current speaking to/dating 3/4 people) and by dates i mean dates. I'm not trying to use anyone, I'm trying to figure out what's best for me. E.g I may find out after 12 dates someone is more career obsessed than I am and can only go out once a week, which wouldn't work for me. 

[basil67]

49 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I keep reflecting before writing a post as I want to 'go with the flow', however, I don't feel like I'm in control. My issue isn't with any individual in particular, it is with the fact that I really need to assess people more and I can't put a number on that figure. 10 dates, 50 dates etc? As you said, rebounders and attention seekers have been the bane of my life. It takes a while to get to know this, though. As soon as someone talks about an 'ex' I get riled up internally. My previous two relationships ended due to my partner's texting their ex's behind my back for the whole relationship. People come onto online dating without having things resolved.

I have been on ten dates with one girl and the other girl I have been on 3 dates in a week. The other girl I have known for 4 years and I made the mistake of being with my ex instead of her and a while ago I made a hail Mary attempt to re-establish contact and she agreed to go on a date with me. I'm not this kind of person to be dating multiple people, I feel dishonest. I feel dishonest as they both put in effort that I know they wouldn't if they knew I was unsure. It's not about them why I can't decide, it's about the fact I've been to quick to settle down in the past and has always ended badly. I want to establish a good social life for someone who has moved to a new town and turned 30. I want to feel confident if things don't work out, I can move on quickly. My past two relationships they deceived me into moving in with me rent free and even when I knew things weren't working I felt bad to chuck them out. I don't want to waste anyone's time, but I also want to retain my independence whilst I figure out what is best for me.

It's really smart of you to build up your social life and getting yourself sorted out.   But kindly, you've got too much baggage to be dating just yet.  You're still far too wary to be able to truly give yourself to a new woman. Your concerns about being deceived have seen you start to deceive women (multi dating women who you know would not be OK with it, one of which is ready to have sex with you).  You're basically doing what you dislike others doing...coming into dating without having things resolved.   I think you're a better man than this.  

Also have a look at your own part in having had two women deceive you into having them move in rent free.  Surely this situation cannot come about without your permission...so what would you do differently if you were getting to the point when a woman starts being at your place very frequently, or there's talk of moving in? 

Edited April 11 by basil67

[Lamron300]

21 minutes ago, basil67 said:

It's really smart of you to build up your social life and getting yourself sorted out.   But kindly, you've got too much baggage to be dating just yet.  You're still far too wary to be able to truly give yourself to a new woman. Your concerns about being deceived have seen you start to deceive women (multi dating women who you know would not be OK with it, one of which is ready to have sex with you).  You're basically doing what you dislike others doing...coming into dating without having things resolved.   I think you're a better man than this.  

Also have a look at your own part in having had two women deceive you into having them move in rent free.  Surely this situation cannot come about without your permission...so what would you do differently if you were getting to the point when a woman starts being at your place very frequently, or there's talk of moving in? 

I agree with you, I am doing exactly what I wouldn't want others to do to me and I don't feel good about it. Although I am not trying to be purposefully deceitful, it is deceitful. The woman who is hoping to plan a holiday with me, I'm pretty sure wouldn't if she knew I was considering or dating other people. It isn't anything to do with her, I am just hesitant to settle down and not explore being a bachelor with a clear mind. For example, the other woman I'm dating, I met her at the same time as my ex partner and it was kind of flip a coin between who I chose to get serious with. After 4 years we've rekindled contact and been on 3 dates in a week. In my mind, I'm thinking, what am I trying to achieve here?? Have so many options that either way you won't be screwed over?! That's not me as a person and I'm not being rational.

The other hand is, since I moved outside of London, my social life hasn't been great. I've mostly been interacting with partners. I want to join more activities and meet people organically. However, it's hard to run two businesses, go dating and do all these activities. A lot of my friends do activities to just find someone to date.

My attitude towards dating of being careful is also as a result of only online dating. For example, if I match with someone today, although ideal, it's unlikely she is just waiting for me to match her, she is probably going on other dates. That concept messed with my head for ten years and I realise it's probably why I have been 'ghosted' in the past with no explanation. It feels like you constantly need to be on the defensive.

My ex ex partner mum said 'you two are always together and my house is small, why can't she move in with you, if it doesn't work out I only live ten minutes down the road'. My previous partner used covid lockdown and the fact I was starting my business as a ploy to move in with me. Both times I felt uncertain.  I wouldn't consider it again.

[FredEire]

5 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I agree with you, I am doing exactly what I wouldn't want others to do to me and I don't feel good about it. Although I am not trying to be purposefully deceitful, it is deceitful. The woman who is hoping to plan a holiday with me, I'm pretty sure wouldn't if she knew I was considering or dating other people. It isn't anything to do with her, I am just hesitant to settle down and not explore being a bachelor with a clear mind. For example, the other woman I'm dating, I met her at the same time as my ex partner and it was kind of flip a coin between who I chose to get serious with. After 4 years we've rekindled contact and been on 3 dates in a week. In my mind, I'm thinking, what am I trying to achieve here?? Have so many options that either way you won't be screwed over?! That's not me as a person and I'm not being rational.

The other hand is, since I moved outside of London, my social life hasn't been great. I've mostly been interacting with partners. I want to join more activities and meet people organically. However, it's hard to run two businesses, go dating and do all these activities. A lot of my friends do activities to just find someone to date.

My attitude towards dating of being careful is also as a result of only online dating. For example, if I match with someone today, although ideal, it's unlikely she is just waiting for me to match her, she is probably going on other dates. That concept messed with my head for ten years and I realise it's probably why I have been 'ghosted' in the past with no explanation. It feels like you constantly need to be on the defensive.

My ex ex partner mum said 'you two are always together and my house is small, why can't she move in with you, if it doesn't work out I only live ten minutes down the road'. My previous partner used covid lockdown and the fact I was starting my business as a ploy to move in with me. Both times I felt uncertain.  I wouldn't consider it again.

I can relate to a lot of this. OLD can put you on the defensive and make you think everyone is sleeping around or keeping their options open, so that you need to do the same. You can start to feel something is getting serious and feel guilty about seeing other people, only for them to suddenly turn around and say they have met someone else, making you feel it was silly to feel this way in the first place.

However I agree with @basil67 that you can't take someone for granted if they are serious about you and think you are dating exclusively. This is why you have to be honest about what the relationship is and how exclusively you see it, as confusing as things can get sometimes.

[Lamron300]

37 minutes ago, FredEire said:

I can relate to a lot of this. OLD can put you on the defensive and make you think everyone is sleeping around or keeping their options open, so that you need to do the same. You can start to feel something is getting serious and feel guilty about seeing other people, only for them to suddenly turn around and say they have met someone else, making you feel it was silly to feel this way in the first place

This is my problem in a nutshell. And it is all because OLD. The first post I made on here was 5 years ago when I was 25. I went on 3 dates with a girl, had 3 kisses I thought everything was great. Before our first date she told me she had been on a date the day before, that made me nervous. I liked her from the beginning and I felt anxious. I never asked any weird questions like how was the date etc? In OLD I feel defensive as I know people lie, keep their options open etc. when I’ve been ghosted, which has happened many times, it has either been someone has a mental issue which I was unaware of or most likely seeing someone else. To me it was ghosting, to them they know why. I was on another forum and I was in the minority who thought it was wrong to answer OLD messages whilst your date goes to the bathroom! 
 

In terms of my behaviour, I want to confident I can move on if someone does turn out to be not suitable. However, I don’t want to be dishonest etc. 

[FredEire]

4 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

This is my problem in a nutshell. And it is all because OLD. The first post I made on here was 5 years ago when I was 25. I went on 3 dates with a girl, had 3 kisses I thought everything was great. Before our first date she told me she had been on a date the day before, that made me nervous. I liked her from the beginning and I felt anxious. I never asked any weird questions like how was the date etc? In OLD I feel defensive as I know people lie, keep their options open etc. when I’ve been ghosted, which has happened many times, it has either been someone has a mental issue which I was unaware of or most likely seeing someone else. To me it was ghosting, to them they know why. I was on another forum and I was in the minority who thought it was wrong to answer OLD messages whilst your date goes to the bathroom! 
 

In terms of my behaviour, I want to confident I can move on if someone does turn out to be not suitable. However, I don’t want to be dishonest etc. 

You're not the only one if it's any consolation. When I was 25 multi-dating seemed like a thrill and stoked my ego. I had energy for it, and wasn't particularly thinking about the consequences.

Now I'm 30 I feel a little emotionally fried having gone on hundreds of dates in that time. I'm generally a "good" dater if you can call it that but it gets tedious, and I find it very difficult to meet someone you have genuine feelings for who you want to pursue something serious with. The last time I did there turned out to be mental issues as you said and it blew up spectacularly after a couple of dates, so I definitely have my defenses up somewhat.

I've been seeing someone now for a couple of months. It started quite casual but I'm seeing some signs now she wants to get serious, and I just don't feel that way about it. All you can do is be honest about it and see if she is in the same page. If not, let it go.

I don't think texting on the apps while on a date is "wrong" per se if you aren't particularly serious with that person, but very unhealthy and head-wrecking definitely yes.

[Lamron300]

On 4/11/2024 at 3:12 PM, FredEire said:

You're not the only one if it's any consolation. When I was 25 multi-dating seemed like a thrill and stoked my ego. I had energy for it, and wasn't particularly thinking about the consequences.

 

I don't think texting on the apps while on a date is "wrong" per se if you aren't particularly serious with that person, but very unhealthy and head-wrecking definitely yes.

My issue is as you say ‘fried from hundreds of dates’. The whole point of a date is to assess compatibility, but the majority of dates aren’t likely to pan out. I’m also trying to figure out people on a deeper level. For example, a common theme in my last two relationships were my ex partners had few or not many female friends and didn’t go out much. This meant they had a natural inclination to gravitate towards ex’s, especially after arguments. This is something I now look out for. 
 

The issue with OLD is not like you get ten compatible matches all at once, they could be months apart. I want to do what is best for myself, but not waste anyones time! It’s not like I’m saying I want to date around till I find the best thing, but I want to display more caution than I have in the past. Mental health is something which can be hidden a lot and then explode. For example, I am talking to someone and she says stuff like ‘nothing is good at the moment and I needed alone time etc’ if it was a non dating viewpoint I would feel empathetic, however, I have to view it from the lens it could be a big red flag. 

[FredEire]

6 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

My issue is as you say ‘fried from hundreds of dates’. The whole point of a date is to assess compatibility, but the majority of dates aren’t likely to pan out. I’m also trying to figure out people on a deeper level. For example, a common theme in my last two relationships were my ex partners had few or not many female friends and didn’t go out much. This meant they had a natural inclination to gravitate towards ex’s, especially after arguments. This is something I now look out for. 
 

The issue with OLD is not like you get ten compatible matches all at once, they could be months apart. I want to do what is best for myself, but not waste anyones time! It’s not like I’m saying I want to date around till I find the best thing, but I want to display more caution than I have in the past. Mental health is something which can be hidden a lot and then explode. For example, I am talking to someone and she says stuff like ‘nothing is good at the moment and I needed alone time etc’ if it was a non dating viewpoint I would feel empathetic, however, I have to view it from the lens it could be a big red flag. 

Exactly, I think you and I have a lot in common.

Especially as you get a little bit older, ie not in your early 20s any more, you may get a little bit tired of the same old routine and patterns in dating etc, and feel a bit more pressure to find someone nice to settle down with.

I used to think that you just need to go on lots of dates and sooner or later one of them will stick, but now I'm quite confident that I can get dates it seems more sensible to focus on quality not quantity, as as you say worthwhile dates months apart with a lot of nonsense in between can make you quite cynical and put too much pressure on the more meaningful encounters.

It's good to have a filter, but you need to avoid the trap that so many seem to fall into that's becoming extremely picky and flaky from so many half-baked dating experiences.

I relate to the red flag bit as well. I unfortunately think I tend to feel closer to girls who tell me they are constantly going through emotional crises as I've struggled with mental health in the past as well and I think I have a bit of "broken-wing syndrome", thinking that I could work through it with them and help them feel better. Unfortunately in reality it's more likely a sign that they're not mentally fit to date anyone seriously and it may end with them either drifting away or lashing out at you in a nasty way rather than being a sign of compatibility.

[ZA Dater]

40 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Exactly, I think you and I have a lot in common.

Especially as you get a little bit older, ie not in your early 20s any more, you may get a little bit tired of the same old routine and patterns in dating etc, and feel a bit more pressure to find someone nice to settle down with.

I used to think that you just need to go on lots of dates and sooner or later one of them will stick, but now I'm quite confident that I can get dates it seems more sensible to focus on quality not quantity, as as you say worthwhile dates months apart with a lot of nonsense in between can make you quite cynical and put too much pressure on the more meaningful encounters.

It's good to have a filter, but you need to avoid the trap that so many seem to fall into that's becoming extremely picky and flaky from so many half-baked dating experiences.

I relate to the red flag bit as well. I unfortunately think I tend to feel closer to girls who tell me they are constantly going through emotional crises as I've struggled with mental health in the past as well and I think I have a bit of "broken-wing syndrome", thinking that I could work through it with them and help them feel better. Unfortunately in reality it's more likely a sign that they're not mentally fit to date anyone seriously and it may end with them either drifting away or lashing out at you in a nasty way rather than being a sign of compatibility.

OP this is very good advice, it would seem to me you are trying to over filter and possibly read into things a bit too much, my advice is to judge the now rather than try look at the persons personality and try figure everything about them in  a short period of time.

[Lamron300]

43 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

OP this is very good advice, it would seem to me you are trying to over filter and possibly read into things a bit too much, my advice is to judge the now rather than try look at the persons personality and try figure everything about them in  a short period of time.

True, I don’t want to over filter, but the issue is OLD. I want to meet people organically, but it is very hard nowadays. My hobbies are mostly fitness related and individual activities, not groups. In the work week, don’t really meet people as I work for myself. With OLD I feel like you’re off to a rocky start already as the known concept is ‘it’s a numbers game’ . For example, I would use to complain that someone would take 3/4 weeks to agree a time for a date, but nobody is putting a gun to my head to force me to wait? A lack of options does that. But as others have said, I’m now in the position I may effectively waste peoples time, if I’m not careful.  

[Lamron300]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

 

It's good to have a filter, but you need to avoid the trap that so many seem to fall into that's becoming extremely picky and flaky from so many half-baked dating experiences.

 

I agree with this, but I feel I have a different online standard to real life standard. On online dating, if I meet someone who knows what they want, takes care of their appearance and doesn’t have any obvious mental red flags, I get super excited. If I’m meeting people in real life (organically), I would feel that is the bare minimum. For example, with the woman I’ve been on 10/11 dates with, I’m surprised huge red flags have come up. That should be the norm! 

[FredEire]

24 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

True, I don’t want to over filter, but the issue is OLD. I want to meet people organically, but it is very hard nowadays. My hobbies are mostly fitness related and individual activities, not groups. In the work week, don’t really meet people as I work for myself. With OLD I feel like you’re off to a rocky start already as the known concept is ‘it’s a numbers game’ . For example, I would use to complain that someone would take 3/4 weeks to agree a time for a date, but nobody is putting a gun to my head to force me to wait? A lack of options does that. But as others have said, I’m now in the position I may effectively waste peoples time, if I’m not careful.  

Yes relate to this as well. I train Brazilian jiu-jitsu 3 times a week which I love and is great for mental and physical health but it's very male-dominated.

I think OLD is having a terrible effect on peoples mindset and dating habits, unfortunately it's the norm these days. The easiest thing I guess is to move away from it and don't play the game, and try to meet someone who's of the same mindset. It's easier said than done these days though.

Having been on OLD about 10 years now it often just feels like a game of cat and mouse. People are obsessed with "red flags" and it seems with so many options and people going on so many dates it's more likely someone is going to find reasons to discard you as an option more than anything else.

I find myself doing this myself as well, so it works both ways and it's our job to approach dating in a healthier more balanced way.

[FredEire]

23 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I agree with this, but I feel I have a different online standard to real life standard. On online dating, if I meet someone who knows what they want, takes care of their appearance and doesn’t have any obvious mental red flags, I get super excited. If I’m meeting people in real life (organically), I would feel that is the bare minimum. For example, with the woman I’ve been on 10/11 dates with, I’m surprised huge red flags have come up. That should be the norm! 

Yes, I think OLD probably attracts people with more of these issues and the nature of it promotes them, and it doesn't get better over time.

Someone said to me red flags after pop up after 4/5 months of dating. I think with OLD these could appear after only a couple of dates because it's basically McDonalds dating. Everything happens quickly and there's no time to let things grow before you're swiping again.

People feel entitled to act however they want as there's a dehumanisation affect to just being another name on the match list.

[Lamron300]

34 minutes ago, FredEire said:

Yes relate to this as well. I train Brazilian jiu-jitsu 3 times a week which I love and is great for mental and physical health but it's very male-dominated.

I think OLD is having a terrible effect on peoples mindset and dating habits, unfortunately it's the norm these days. The easiest thing I guess is to move away from it and don't play the game, and try to meet someone who's of the same mindset. It's easier said than done these days though.

Having been on OLD about 10 years now it often just feels like a game of cat and mouse. People are obsessed with "red flags" and it seems with so many options and people going on so many dates it's more likely someone is going to find reasons to discard you as an option more than anything else.

I find myself doing this myself as well, so it works both ways and it's our job to approach dating in a healthier more balanced way.

Very similar to me, I do Jiu Jitsu and kickboxing weekly. As you know, it’s mostly males. Even when I’m in the regular gym, I don’t feel women would like to be approached during a workout and I’m focused on working out myself. 

Exactly, it is more likely people will discard based on the perceived abundance of choice. So to avoid disappointment, I do it myself. In my situation now, okay say somehow everything goes great with the 4/5 people I’m talking to, what do I intend to do? Date 4 people at once?! It’s illogical and I’m doing it subconsciously from a defensive standpoint. For example, i feel more ready to ask someone on a date and not fear about rejection knowing i have ‘options’. But long term, does that bring me closer to my goal of a steady relationship? Nope. 

[FredEire]

20 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

Very similar to me, I do Jiu Jitsu and kickboxing weekly. As you know, it’s mostly males. Even when I’m in the regular gym, I don’t feel women would like to be approached during a workout and I’m focused on working out myself. 

Exactly, it is more likely people will discard based on the perceived abundance of choice. So to avoid disappointment, I do it myself. In my situation now, okay say somehow everything goes great with the 4/5 people I’m talking to, what do I intend to do? Date 4 people at once?! It’s illogical and I’m doing it subconsciously from a defensive standpoint. For example, i feel more ready to ask someone on a date and not fear about rejection knowing i have ‘options’. But long term, does that bring me closer to my goal of a steady relationship? Nope. 

Yes, and it can often be very awkward rolling with the opposite sex 😂 I admire anyone who does it to be honest, as it can be quite uncomfortable to have that level of physical closeness to people you don't know at all. Overall though I'd say it has useful crossover to dating life as you feel more grounded, centered and in touch with others through it.

Yes, it seems great when you're 20 but it's usually far more problems than it's worth, and if you work and have any sort of hobbies you're not going to have time to see more than 1 or 2 people.

The more people you meet and the longer it goes on, you start to take people for granted if they're just on your "rotation". It promotes insensitivity, flakiness and bad behaviour.

I don't like ghosting, but I don't expect an explanation from anyone as to why they don't want to see me anymore unless we've been seeing eachother for a long period of time. These days though I think much of it isn't even intentional, in many cases they're just talking to 4/5 more people they're more interested in and forget to respond to you.

[Lamron300]

18 hours ago, FredEire said:

 

I don't like ghosting, but I don't expect an explanation from anyone as to why they don't want to see me anymore unless we've been seeing eachother for a long period of time. These days though I think much of it isn't even intentional, in many cases they're just talking to 4/5 more people they're more interested in and forget to respond to you.

Yup, what I’m trying to do is have an established routine regardless of dating. Years ago before working for myself and taking on jiu jitsu etc, I would drop anything for a date. Would suggest any time or day was fine etc. Now I’m trying to fit dating around my life instead of other way round. 
 

Hmm, from what you’re telling me, it’s inevitable. I remember in 2019 I was super excited about dating. There were two girls in particular and I felt that something would work out with at least one. They both fell flat within a week (one after 3 dates, one after one date). That experience really made me consider things. Now I put very little gravity into pre date talk as if date itself doesn’t go well any ‘rapport’ before is pointless. 
 

Im going to try and see how things go, without being overly picky. I feel because of the past I’m trying to produce evidence that even if something is going well..something bad is round the corner. 

[ZA Dater]

The problem is inherently people are complicated and no two people are alike you you will always have complications. You can go on a five dates with five different people and reach different conclusions about each one.

My advice is focus on the fact you are likeable enough to get decent choice on OLD. That is a major positive and with choice you can be picky to some extent. Agree there needs to be some intellectual connection beforehand, without it the date is basically a waste of time in my view.

If you can find good moments, enjoy them!

[FredEire]

2 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Yup, what I’m trying to do is have an established routine regardless of dating. Years ago before working for myself and taking on jiu jitsu etc, I would drop anything for a date. Would suggest any time or day was fine etc. Now I’m trying to fit dating around my life instead of other way round. 
 

Hmm, from what you’re telling me, it’s inevitable. I remember in 2019 I was super excited about dating. There were two girls in particular and I felt that something would work out with at least one. They both fell flat within a week (one after 3 dates, one after one date). That experience really made me consider things. Now I put very little gravity into pre date talk as if date itself doesn’t go well any ‘rapport’ before is pointless. 
 

Im going to try and see how things go, without being overly picky. I feel because of the past I’m trying to produce evidence that even if something is going well..something bad is round the corner. 

Yes, absolutely, same experience for me. Make your love life fit around your established routine, not the other way round.

Can also relate to the feeling of pessimism, it may be a degree of self-sabotage, or self sabotage through seeking out and valuing the wrong people who are actually unavailable.

Unfortunately I'm quite stoic about dating in general because I don't often feel super attracted to anyone but the odd time I do meet someone I'm excited about that all goes out the window and I get way too nervous and invested in it, which isn't good either for how you come across or the emotional hit you take it it doesn't work out.