How do I overcome the complications of dating and avoid drama?

[Lamron300]

10 hours ago, mb2024 said:

How did you respond when she told you she has deleted her dating profile?

I said I felt the same way, which was true at the time, but we aren't match and I can see that now. We haven't spoken in two days, so thats the end of that one.

[Lamron300]

8 hours ago, mb2024 said:

In what context did she say “what if you don't like me when you see me naked”?

First time I invited her round she was nervous and I asked why she was nervous. Im not making the same mistakes in the past, I'm not going to persuade, coax or pursue someone into intimacy. I get we all have insecurities, but for me to be really into someone I want them to want what I want. She just wants to go on a million dinner dates. The fact we haven't spoken in two days suggests she has had a change of heart or she knows that I'm fed up. I don't have any resentment to her, I will move on. I've just learnt to be more upfront with people to avoid this situation.

[ZA Dater]

1 minute ago, Lamron300 said:

First time I invited her round she was nervous and I asked why she was nervous. Im not making the same mistakes in the past, I'm not going to persuade, coax or pursue someone into intimacy. I get we all have insecurities, but for me to be really into someone I want them to want what I want. She just wants to go on a million dinner dates. The fact we haven't spoken in two days suggests she has had a change of heart or she knows that I'm fed up. I don't have any resentment to her, I will move on. I've just learnt to be more upfront with people to avoid this situation.

I think this is a good approach to take. Though perhaps asking why someone is nervous is quite forward and maybe best avoided. There needs to be an alignment of minds at some point for any sort of relationship to work.

Be careful about being too upfront as it could be seen as being pushy or even brash.

[FredEire]

1 minute ago, Lamron300 said:

First time I invited her round she was nervous and I asked why she was nervous. Im not making the same mistakes in the past, I'm not going to persuade, coax or pursue someone into intimacy. I get we all have insecurities, but for me to be really into someone I want them to want what I want. She just wants to go on a million dinner dates. The fact we haven't spoken in two days suggests she has had a change of heart or she knows that I'm fed up. I don't have any resentment to her, I will move on. I've just learnt to be more upfront with people to avoid this situation.

Yes I think that this is the main lesson, be more upfront.

If you both talked about deleting your apps it sounds pretty much like you've decided to be exclusive, so I think there's a good chance that the fact you went back on the apps and had more dates would probably upset her.

It seems the whole thing went backwards, the point when you felt you no longer wanted to delete the apps and wanted to date others again should have been the point you wished her well and let it go.

You can also be more upfront about sex. If you want to be intimate with someone, tell them it's something you like and you want a relationship, see if she has any issues around it and if it's something you can work around. Expecting it to magically figure itself out isn't going to happen.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

I'm not going to persuade, coax or pursue someone into intimacy.

Exactly nobody has suggested this.  But what have you done to show her you're sexually interested?    She's probably discussing with her friends that she can't figure you out either

Like I said before, run your hands down her body when you're kissing her. Or run your hands through her hair when you're kissing. Or simply look at her with desire in your eyes 

[Lamron300]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Exactly nobody has suggested this.  But what have you done to show her you're sexually interested?    She's probably discussing with her friends that she can't figure you out either

Like I said before, run your hands down her body when you're kissing her. Or run your hands through her hair when you're kissing. Or simply look at her with desire in your eyes 

Okay, so the full story is the first time she slept round my house she had a chest infection. She said she had planned to seduce me (I'm skeptical) but thats what she said. I was caressing her body etc (you get the picture). She then said on text after 'sorry haha I know it wasn't attractive coughing my lungs out" I said I couldn't keep my hands off her and she said well if she wasn't sick a lot more would have happened. I just went through our texts and in February she said 'I've wanted to undress you since date 1'. It doesn't correlate with the things which have happened since then. I mean, to even be in that situation I had to invite her round numerous times. A dinner date for 2 hour midweek in town, isn't going to produce that situation. I then had to overthink everything and it just didn't feel authentic. I flirted even when crass or cheesy and nervously laughed off by her. I think she is a very nervous person and I wish her all the best, but I'm going to move on for this one. I am just trying to learn what I can do in the future to prevent this.

 

I want to be clear with people. Went on a second date on tuesday, I used humour before that to let her know I was interested in kissing her and she responded positvley, so after the date I knew a kiss was safe territory. That doesn't mean going further in the future will happen. I'm not aiming to have sex with people btw, it is just I need to establish it isn't platonic dating. I moved out of London two years ago and I've been just using apps. No one knows who I am. I want to meet people organically, because I believe a lot of this stuff would be easier to avoid.

[Lamron300]

1 hour ago, ZA Dater said:

I think this is a good approach to take. Though perhaps asking why someone is nervous is quite forward and maybe best avoided. There needs to be an alignment of minds at some point for any sort of relationship to work.

Be careful about being too upfront as it could be seen as being pushy or even brash.

This is what I mean, I don't want to be seen as brash or pushy. I assume the people who go on multiple dates with me, like my personality. I'm a very laid back person. But I don't want to be too laid back and not say what I want. For example, I do want to have kids in the future, but it is something that is uncomfortable to bring up early on. A lot of women think men just want sex, whereas, my issue is the opposite. I have met many women who aren't interested in sex and have manipulated their way around it.

For example, in 2017 I was dating a woman. I was 23, she was 29. After going to the cinema one day, we went back to hers. I didn't drive then and I was doing a masters degree, so had not much money to take ubers etc. She said "I need to drop you home as I know you're not going to sleep". I had no idea what she was talking about 'I'm not going to sleep'. She also said we should meet once a week only so there is more to talk about when we meet. I was so confused. It was only when I was dogsitting for her I saw anti depressants in her cupboard and I figured out she had a low libido. She would say anything to avoid intimacy. I got fed up and said lets just go our separate ways.  The same as my recent ex. When you add all these factors in, you can see why I am hesitant to initiate sex with someone who hasn't shown obvious signs thats what they want. Not that they don't mind, or if it happens it happens, I want someone to want it, when they feel comfortable we are at that stage. I don't have time to figure out if this current lady is avoidant or is just poor communication between us. Been stung too many times.

[FredEire]

14 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

This is what I mean, I don't want to be seen as brash or pushy. I assume the people who go on multiple dates with me, like my personality. I'm a very laid back person. But I don't want to be too laid back and not say what I want. For example, I do want to have kids in the future, but it is something that is uncomfortable to bring up early on. A lot of women think men just want sex, whereas, my issue is the opposite. I have met many women who aren't interested in sex and have manipulated their way around it.

For example, in 2017 I was dating a woman. I was 23, she was 29. After going to the cinema one day, we went back to hers. I didn't drive then and I was doing a masters degree, so had not much money to take ubers etc. She said "I need to drop you home as I know you're not going to sleep". I had no idea what she was talking about 'I'm not going to sleep'. She also said we should meet once a week only so there is more to talk about when we meet. I was so confused. It was only when I was dogsitting for her I saw anti depressants in her cupboard and I figured out she had a low libido. She would say anything to avoid intimacy. I got fed up and said lets just go our separate ways.  The same as my recent ex. When you add all these factors in, you can see why I am hesitant to initiate sex with someone who hasn't shown obvious signs thats what they want. Not that they don't mind, or if it happens it happens, I want someone to want it, when they feel comfortable we are at that stage. I don't have time to figure out if this current lady is avoidant or is just poor communication between us. Been stung too many times.

Hmm, it's hard to know if you are manifesting this, or being attracted to the same type of woman, or a bit of both.

I'd be willing to bet that you have your own issues with intimacy as this keeps happening. Dating patterns aren't just bad luck or an accident, it's a dynamic that fits whatever the two people are going through. It might be worth exploring with a therapist.

[basil67]

33 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

A dinner date for 2 hour midweek in town, isn't going to produce that situation

Indeed it won't.  Aside from the time she was sick (which doesn't count because she was sick), how many times have you invited her to your home so that you could cook dinner for her? 

And take it from me: anti depressants don't necessarily mean that someone has a low libido.  My libido didn't dip at all when I was on meds

Edit to add: why are you reticent to bring up that you hope to be a father one day?  This is exactly the kind of basic compatibility which needs to be sorted out before spending a lot of time together.  My husband told me on the second date that he wanted children in the future.

Edited May 2 by basil67

[Lamron300]

1 hour ago, FredEire said:

Hmm, it's hard to know if you are manifesting this, or being attracted to the same type of woman, or a bit of both.

I'd be willing to bet that you have your own issues with intimacy as this keeps happening. Dating patterns aren't just bad luck or an accident, it's a dynamic that fits whatever the two people are going through. It might be worth exploring with a therapist.

I’ve already spoken about it with therapist after breaking up with ex. Wasn’t much help. I think my issue is I use OLD and my expectations are lower. A good start is getting matches and then getting people who actually want to meet. In average there is 17 men for every 3 women online. When I speak to a woman on OLD and I find her relatively attractive and we have good back and forth I ask her out. The issue is, usually I discover why they are on OLD, usually some insecurity or mental issue pops up. All I can do is leave sooner when I’m not satisfied. I like to think people will change etc, doesn’t often happen. 

[Lamron300]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

Indeed it won't.  Aside from the time she was sick (which doesn't count because she was sick), how many times have you invited her to your home so that you could cook dinner for her? 

And take it from me: anti depressants don't necessarily mean that someone has a low libido.  My libido didn't dip at all when I was on meds

Edit to add: why are you reticent to bring up that you hope to be a father one day?  This is exactly the kind of basic compatibility which needs to be sorted out before spending a lot of time together.  My husband told me on the second date that he wanted children in the future.

I invited her round four times in total, which is a lot. I don’t just invite anyone round. The times she came round we cooked together. I’m upset it’s gone nowhere and it’s weighing on my mind but I don’t want to continue with her. Don’t feel the chemistry and just leading to resentment. 
 

Yes, to clarify I didn’t mean that’s why this lady from 2017 had a low libido. What I mean is she had depression and instead of being honest, would try manipulate me. As you said, I left. But what I’m trying to say, is my patience/good nature is often manipulated. I spent a lot of time and effort and then they gaslight you into thinking it’s your problem or fault. Saying ‘you’re not going to sleep’ at midnight, confused the hell out of me. I was young and naive and didn’t understand. 
 

Im reticent to bring it up early. It makes people think you’re keen or maybe too intense. Not that I agree, that’s just how it is. 

[FredEire]

58 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I’ve already spoken about it with therapist after breaking up with ex. Wasn’t much help. I think my issue is I use OLD and my expectations are lower. A good start is getting matches and then getting people who actually want to meet. In average there is 17 men for every 3 women online. When I speak to a woman on OLD and I find her relatively attractive and we have good back and forth I ask her out. The issue is, usually I discover why they are on OLD, usually some insecurity or mental issue pops up. All I can do is leave sooner when I’m not satisfied. I like to think people will change etc, doesn’t often happen. 

Yes but issues with OLD is something that happens to a very large number of people who use it, myself included. Clearly there is a pattern of meeting women with physical intimacy problems, or manifesting a physical intimacy problem, whatever the case may be.

I can honestly say this has been an issue for me maybe once or twice in my entire dating life, but for you it's a pattern. Perhaps your standoffishness is something these women feel comfortable with, so you create a mismatched "match". I'm not a professional so I'm only spitballing here but repeated dating patterns is something that's very common, women who attract physically abusive partners over and over again etc.

I agree that the dating game is getting more difficult and volatile, but everyone has their own individual habits and issues. Saying "everyone is crazy" and throwing in the towel is the easy way out.

[FredEire]

55 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I invited her round four times in total, which is a lot. I don’t just invite anyone round. The times she came round we cooked together. I’m upset it’s gone nowhere and it’s weighing on my mind but I don’t want to continue with her. Don’t feel the chemistry and just leading to resentment. 
 

Yes, to clarify I didn’t mean that’s why this lady from 2017 had a low libido. What I mean is she had depression and instead of being honest, would try manipulate me. As you said, I left. But what I’m trying to say, is my patience/good nature is often manipulated. I spent a lot of time and effort and then they gaslight you into thinking it’s your problem or fault. Saying ‘you’re not going to sleep’ at midnight, confused the hell out of me. I was young and naive and didn’t understand. 
 

Im reticent to bring it up early. It makes people think you’re keen or maybe too intense. Not that I agree, that’s just how it is. 

It all depends on context. If you are pushy or leery with her when she's not into you or not at that stage yet it will make her uncomfortable. If she is as into it as you you will come across as a passionate man in touch with his sexuality. A lot of that comes down to seeing the signs and reading cues.

[mb2024]

A couple of things…

When she’s insecure about her body, shouldn’t you be giving her more reassurance instead of concluding that’s her excuse?  I suspect she’s not that experienced.  Of course it’s completely your choice if you don’t want to deal with that at this age!

I also agree that dating others after agreeing to being exclusive is not nice!

[Acacia98]

OP, you seem to do a lot of things, including things you don't want to do, because you think you should. And then you end up being resentful. For instance, I don't understand why you're dating instead of taking a well-deserved break. I don't understand why you continue to date a woman long after you've figured out you're incompatible. I don't understand why you're multidating if it goes against your nature. (I don't multidate. Many folks don't.)

[Lamron300]

7 hours ago, mb2024 said:

A couple of things…

When she’s insecure about her body, shouldn’t you be giving her more reassurance instead of concluding that’s her excuse?  I suspect she’s not that experienced.  Of course it’s completely your choice if you don’t want to deal with that at this age!

I also agree that dating others after agreeing to being exclusive is not nice!

Maybe years ago, but due to the past and my own personality I can’t be reassuring people all the time or seeking reassurance myself. I snore, I grind my teeth and my two small dogs sleep in my bed. If I wonder all those things will ruin intimacy I’ll go crazy. She said our first date was her first date in two years, I’m assuming she was in a long term relationship prior as that ended not too long before she met me. 
 

I don’t want to discount people or be rash but the whole point of dating is to get a good match. Our attraction was we both work hard and have good jobs (both our previous partners had poor work ethic), both like animals, both like travelling etc. My idea and her idea of intimacy are probably different and I realise I should have ended things sooner. Even if we did get intimate last week, I’m starting to realise I don’t think it would have changed things. 

To clarify, I didn’t agree to be exclusive with her. We never had that conversation. I was waiting to see intimate compatibility. I wrongly assumed that she would understand I wouldn’t commit to a relationship without being intimate. 

 

[Lamron300]

4 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

OP, you seem to do a lot of things, including things you don't want to do, because you think you should. And then you end up being resentful. For instance, I don't understand why you're dating instead of taking a well-deserved break. I don't understand why you continue to date a woman long after you've figured out you're incompatible. I don't understand why you're multidating if it goes against your nature. (I don't multidate. Many folks don't.)

Why do I deserve a break? 
 

I realised we weren’t compatible way too late. Her company is enjoyable so it’s not like I felt a huge urge to cut things off. Then I realised, doesn’t matter how small, if I don feel right about something it’s ok to move on. 
 

I have decided to multi date because of OLD. I’d be so anxious before when I got a good match (they can be months apart and even then you have to be active swiping and actually put in a lot of effort and time). I would think, why she replying slow now? Is she talking to many people? When she says she is meeting a friend, does she mean a date? Now I just get on with my own life and what will be will be. I’ve accepted there is only so much I can control. 

[basil67]

10 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I invited her round four times in total, which is a lot. I don’t just invite anyone round. The times she came round we cooked together. I’m upset it’s gone nowhere and it’s weighing on my mind but I don’t want to continue with her. Don’t feel the chemistry and just leading to resentment. 

If there's no chemistry, I can see why you're not intimate.  But why did you spend so long dating her if there was no chemistry?  If chemistry is not there quickly, it unlikely to ever happen.

I'm not sure I understand the resentment you speak of

10 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Yes, to clarify I didn’t mean that’s why this lady from 2017 had a low libido. What I mean is she had depression and instead of being honest, would try manipulate me. As you said, I left. But what I’m trying to say, is my patience/good nature is often manipulated. I spent a lot of time and effort and then they gaslight you into thinking it’s your problem or fault. Saying ‘you’re not going to sleep’ at midnight, confused the hell out of me. I was young and naive and didn’t understand.

I've never heard a link between depression and manipulation.  And a lot of people have patience and a good nature but aren't easily manipulated.    I can't comment on her saying "you're not going to sleep" because there's no context. 

10 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Im reticent to bring it up early. It makes people think you’re keen or maybe too intense. Not that I agree, that’s just how it is. 

Too intense isn't good, but if I'm into a guy and he's keen (for romance, dating, sex, whatever) it's wonderful!   I don't understand the problem with being keen

[Gebidozo]

11 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

The issue is, usually I discover why they are on OLD, usually some insecurity or mental issue pops up.

What about you, OP?

I sense quite a bit of insecurity in your posts. You should understand that people are often drawn to traits mirroring their own, even if their manifestations are different. 

I think it you’ll enjoy a happier romantic life in the future if you take a time out from dating, spend some time trying to fully understand yourself, think more about what exactly you’re have to offer, what exactly you’re bringing to a potential relationship.

[NuevoYorko]

On 4/30/2024 at 6:48 AM, FredEire said:

You should be clear and fair with this woman. Let her down gently and don't lead her on and skirt around the issue.

My general impression is that it's impossible for the OP to be direct.    

[Lamron300]

7 hours ago, Gebidozo said:

What about you, OP?

I sense quite a bit of insecurity in your posts. You should understand that people are often drawn to traits mirroring their own, even if their manifestations are different. 

I think it you’ll enjoy a happier romantic life in the future if you take a time out from dating, spend some time trying to fully understand yourself, think more about what exactly you’re have to offer, what exactly you’re bringing to a potential relationship.

I know what I have to offer, I’m waiting to find someone who offers similar. 

[Lamron300]

6 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

My general impression is that it's impossible for the OP to be direct.    

I can be direct, I’ve just been treading to carefully but realised been wasting time doing so. The consequences of not being direct are worse than what’s happened now.

[Lamron300]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

If there's no chemistry, I can see why you're not intimate.  But why did you spend so long dating her if there was no chemistry?  If chemistry is not there quickly, it unlikely to ever happen.

I'm not sure I understand the resentment you speak of

I've never heard a link between depression and manipulation.  And a lot of people have patience and a good nature but aren't easily manipulated.    I can't comment on her saying "you're not going to sleep" because there's no context. 

Too intense isn't good, but if I'm into a guy and he's keen (for romance, dating, sex, whatever) it's wonderful!   I don't understand the problem with being keen

I confused chemistry with getting along and because she was adamant things were great and she was planning our future holidays etc, I convinced myself there was. We get along well, but something is missing and my communication wasn’t great. 
 

I agree with you, but this new generation of dating, being keen is looked down upon. Not my rules. 

[basil67]

18 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

I confused chemistry with getting along and because she was adamant things were great and she was planning our future holidays etc, I convinced myself there was. We get along well, but something is missing and my communication wasn’t great. 
 

I agree with you, but this new generation of dating, being keen is looked down upon. Not my rules. 

Chemistry is a feeling, a sense of electricity connecting the two of you, drawing you together.  Getting along is what friends do.

I also disagree on being keen.  My daughter is gen Z and when a guy she's really liked says "could we meet?", if she's keen, she's been known to say "I'm not doing anything tonight" and they've met that same day and kept seeing each other.  When she first met her now long term boyfriend, they saw each other VERY regularly in the first couple of weeks and she's now talking about marriage and babies.   

If you show that you're keen and it doesn't work out, it means that they are not keen.  It doesn't mean that your honest keenness was a faux par.  Just don't blow up her phone 😅

  

Edited May 3 by basil67

[Gebidozo]

6 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

I know what I have to offer, I’m waiting to find someone who offers similar. 

Could you please be more specific? What exactly do you have to offer, and what are you hoping to get from your partner?