We are both 30. I made a mistake and am wondering about the chances of getting back together and foregiveness.

[mcuber]

Hi I made a mistake recently with a girl I've been dating. To give some background we have known eachother for a couple years and started dating last spring until we stopped seeing eachother due to her feeling pressure for a relationship and stress from graduating from residency.

 

Things were great between while we were seeing eachother and we met back up for a day in July. We both admitted that we hooked up with another person while we were not seeing eachother and she asked if I had used a condom in which I lied and said yes due to wanting to sound responsible and only penetrating this other girl for a few seconds.

 

We ended up having unprotected sex throughout the night and into the morning however she would keep asking me if I used a condom in which I finally cracked and said I didnt. Her response was angry and sad with her crying. We ended up sitting on the couch to talk things over in which she told me that her body is a gift and how disrespectful it was for me to lie about after she had asked multiple times. I acknowledged what I had did and told her it was wrong and immature of me to do with me taking action to schedule the next available appointment for STD testing on the spot which happened to be on my birthday. After this we ended up having make up sex.

 

When it was time for me to leave we hugged and kissed and she said she was sorry for calling me a jerk and I'm not a bad guy. I acknowledged again apologizing and that I deserved that.

 

Since then however she left for 2 weeks to go on vacation and once she got back started to give me mixed signals. I took note of this with me doing something I'm not proud of by downloading a dating app and seeing her on there. She would say she missed and wanted to see me however she would cancel dates giving excuses like her friend had a bad day or she is too tired from work with her starting up her new job.

 

She started to become more distant over the next week or two and eventually gave me a message saying that she is still hurt and healing from what I did and that she had still appreciated my efforts to make it up to her. I responded that I still felt bad, it was immature for me to do, that her body is a gift not to be taken for granted and if there is anything else she wanted to say about it in want to listen.

 

She messaged me back a week later saying she appreciated what I had to say however that she cant shake the fact that I lied to her face multiple times that day. She went on to describe how her ex would lie to her causing trauma and that she would not put herself in this situation again. She told me that I'm still not a bad guy but just thinks we cant be romantically together right now.

 

I responded 'You're right I did lie to you. I can't take it back and i wish i could. I totally understand why you wouldn't want to date me after that. I wouldn't either. We dont need to put labels on anything but I'm willing to earn your trust back at whatever speed is comfortable for you.' Showing empathy and an effort to understand. My question is does it sound like there is still a chance to get back together? I know feelings can rise and fall and I feel that she needs time to process, think about the situation and heal however there is a chance other guys have entered the picture since and she could be trying to end things. Also any advice on moving forward would be appreciated. Thanks!

[d0nnivain]

Lying is a huge thing.  If she's in health care you have to know that STDs are life & death stuff.  If she get's infected she could potentially pass it on to a patient.  In an effort to look responsible you were doubly irreponsible.   You showed bad judgment twice:  not using the condom & lying about it.  

Try the cliche of sending her flowers.   But if she's actively on a dating app & cancelling plans with you, this ship may have sailed.  She may have concluded she can't trust you & that killed whatever feelings she may have been starting to develop.  

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, mcuber said:

She told me that I'm still not a bad guy but just thinks we cant be romantically together right now. however there is a chance other guys have entered the picture since and she could be trying to end things. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately there's too much bad blood between you two add to that the complications of on/off FWB.

Additionally she's on dating apps and cancelling dates. Try to step away and move forward. It's not really working out and it's keeping you in this weird orbiting limbo.

[semble]

2 hours ago, mcuber said:

she asked if I had used a condom in which I lied and said yes due to wanting to sound responsible

See what you did there? You're STILL justifying the lies.

This is a character issue, not a "one time" slip up.

And she now realizes this, which explains her backing away.

 

 

[MsJayne]

You didn't "make a mistake", it was deliberate action on your part. You're 30 years old, not 10, so there's no excuse for your lying. You lied to her, (manipulated her), so she'd have sex with you. That's appalling behaviour, [] and you're trying to pass it off as a 'mistake'. Interesting that she kept on asking until you told her the truth, obviously on some level she knows she can't trust you. My guess is she went off on her holiday, discussed your behaviour with  her girlfriends, and they unanimously gave you the thumbs down. I'd say you've royally blown it, and once she moves through the stage of being conflicted she'll give you the heave-ho. 

Edited September 21, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
group berating

[ExpatInItaly]

This one is done, OP. 

She'd already ended it once before, and when you two tried again, you lied about something serious. Now she's on a dating app looking for other options while also dodging you. She isn't interested in you anymore so you need to leave it be. 

 

[JTSW]

Personally I think she is being rather two-faced.

She is also lying because she is on dating sites and clearly dating others, then lying about where she is.

She hooked up with someone too, did you ask if a condom was used with her also?

I get really bad vibes from her OP.