Wife has stage 4 cancer and I feel psychotic

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, jeniefriday said:

 I need to learn how to live without romance. Any thoughts on this? Accepting life without love, sex, romance.

Follow through on your divorce. Once that's out of the way you'll be free to date decent honest available single men.

Your marriage is the problem and this lover is just a bandaid on that. Unavailable people choose other unavailable people. That's all this is.

He really has no power over you. And going down this sadistic sounding scenario isn't going to help you feel better or find a decent man.

You've been "accepting a life without love" for a long time by being with not one, but two garbage material men. 

Get rid of both permanently and free yourself. 

[jeniefriday]

2 hours ago, S2B said:

it’s very sad to read about you being happy with all of her horrible health scares. Swiping her husband at the same time is equally concerning.

I'm disgusted by myself. As the title says, I feel psychotic. No I have not really worked on empathy with my therapist.

[stillafool]

Remember when karma comes back it's two fold.

[basil67]

Is what you're feeling something which has been with you forever?  Like hoping that someone else would fail or die at work or school so that you'd then be the best one?

[Kassieee]

He is a demented sick individual. Hes letting you, the other woman know details about his sick wife, he cannot even respect her when she is sick. He won't be any better to you.

 

Please get her off your mind.

[heartwhole2]

Your honesty is refreshing, to be honest. I think a lot of women pretend they don't feel competitive when in a love triangle, but they really do. And those feelings are very natural, based on biological drives meant to ensure our survival and that of our offspring . . . in this case, mate poaching.

That said, we're not chimpanzees living in a forest and we can, and should, make our biology work for us, not against us. Obviously this situation is bringing out the worst in you, and you seem to be spiraling. Do you have a friend you could confide in for support and accountability? It would be best to rip the band-aid off and end this relationship, and then start working on the issues that were caused or exacerbated by it.

The good thing about good, society-protecting qualities such as empathy is that you can practice them, and once they gain momentum they keep building on themselves. It's OK if you don't feel empathy in every instance of your life, but what really matters is how you choose to act. You chose to have a relationship with this man, which put you in a position to feel competitive with his wife and bad about yourself, which increased your antipathy and lack of self-esteem. Choose a scenario where you will build up your empathy and self-esteem instead. It's simply a lie that only this guy would ever want you, that this is "the best you can do." Clearly he's no prize; he's brazenly cheating on a wife who may be dying. He's not a catch, and you don't want to take him off her hands. But until you work on healing the wounds within you, you won't feel the truth in that.

[mark clemson]

On 9/23/2023 at 9:52 AM, jeniefriday said:

Could we still find romantic love based on mutual attraction beyond a certain age?

Of course - happens all the time.

He will need to support his wife during this time. IF she passes, perhaps there is a hope for you and him.

I concur with you and with I think most if not all above that becoming overly involved in researching her progress, odds of survival, etc beyond a minimal cursory level is probably unhealthy, although you seem to be generating an awful lot of "personal drama" for yourself over this interest, with the claims of psychosis etc.

She is certainly no "goddess" - just a regular human being like all of us. I can pretty much assure you she doesn't feel like one right now. If she survives LT it's likely there will be life-changing differences between before and after the cancer (it sounds like there already have been, unfortunately). It's certainly not fair to ask or expect him to "dump her" after all these changes and resulting health problems. That is, also unfortunately, all too common at least in the US, but hopefully he will do right by her and at least stick with her through all of this. Even if he cheats to "get his needs met" that is at least something.

For your part - if you are having "intensely poignant recurring and intrusive thoughts" WRT to this guy (and the wife) you may have limerence, which you can research online and which could explain some of the "crazy" you are experiencing as limerence is a bona fide altered state of consciousness.

Beyond that, I'd say if none of this works out how you may be hoping (even if that's against your ostensible morals), well  - see the first line above. There will be other fish in the sea and no doubt you can find a man to partner with, even if you most likely wouldn't be starting a new family with him.

[mark clemson]

By the way, before you go labeling yourself "psychotic" or this guy "demented" or whatever for looking to satisfy some of his own needs during all this, consider that "morals" are really just "opinions" and are in fact quite fluid.

If you don't believe me, consider the fact that MANY people in the world have in the past (and probably a certain % still do) would consider slavery "ok" but cheating on your spouse "a horrible moral crime".  So - it's ok to own another human being, take away their freedom to, essentially, use them for your own benefit. But cheating - now THAT'S bad.

Such a view seems preposterous when you do an apples to apples comparison of the harm done to another human being. BUT entire societies have existed multiple times in human history with exactly that "moral perspective" in play and in fact encoded into their norms and laws.

So, no, you and he are FAR from the lowest depths of human awfulness, believe it or not.

Edited September 25, 2023 by mark clemson

[Whaatamidoing]

Hi, just felt compelled to write to you. I am sorry you are in this situation but also sorry that the wife has been diagnosed. Your jealousy, to me, seems off the dial. I am trying to find a way to process all the things you have written, they come across as riddled with guilt but also that I think deep down you know your infatuation with your AP is a little over the top.

I am thinking of a time when I was younger and I was working in a company, mostly male environment and I had to process all the payroll. There were always problems with the guys timesheets, one guy in particular seemed to struggle with basic Maths & English and therefore there was often a call to work out where he had been working and for how many hours, nothing in it, just wholly professional conversation. One day I received a text from what I eventually found out was his girlfriend who had seen that we called each other several times once a week and had put two and two together and made 12. She was so jealous and suspicious and to her he was everything, he was 15 years older than me and struggled to read and write ( not my type) but she couldn't see beyond her own feelings for him and therefore immediately assumed any other woman would not be able to resist him. I met him at a Christmas party, I was fully able to keep my hands to myself!

I often think of this in my own affair madness because to me, my AP was everything to begin with, he was smart and funny and amazing and i couldn't believe he was 'slumming it' with me when he has a perfect wife and family at home. I have learnt that this might have been the affair fog.

Take a step back. Have a look at him, separate your love and admiration and also insecurity from what he actually is. He is all that, he is a liar, a cheater and someone that is willing to spend time with someone else when his unknowing wife is possibly living her final months/years on this earth. 

Your thoughts and infatuation are stopping you from doing the right thing. The right thing is to walk away, I am a big believer in what will be will be. And if it is meant to be, they as a couple will go their separate ways and you will be able to be with him, if after some time away from him and living in the real world you both still want that. This isn't going to go away if she dies, and your only way of being together isn't if she dies. 

I think you need to step into her shoes and understand the support you would need in that same situation and feel some compassion for her. Walking away is making peace with yourself, its not about winning or losing, its about being able to live with yourself no matter what the outcome. 

I am sure if a friend was telling you your own story back to you, your compassion would be in a different place.
Good luck x

 

[Lisa]

Offensive content removed.  Thread closed due to emotional extortion

Edited October 11, 2023 by Lisa