Am I still the OW if I'm married too? 😨

[cliche2023]

Feel like I’m going through a classic cliche affair story here, but at the same time the s*it is so very real… I’ve never experienced such strong feelings for anyone before. We’ve been friends and bandmates for a few years and I’ve never seen him “that” way, never been interested, my mind never gravitated around that thought, not even for a second! So it came as a total surprise when he came forward and told me he had feelings for me…I told him, no way,  he was crazy and to forget about it…

But that actually changed everything and we slowly started hanging out more and connecting in a much deeper way until we finally kissed and started an actual relationship. The thing is that we are both married- ya small detail- 

Anyway, it’s been a year now and things are pretty awesome- we both have very odd/unattached relationships with our partners so we were able to take several trips together, spend major holidays together, when we go out we don’t really hide our relationship and we see each other at least 3 times a week, so overall it definitely feels like a normal (beyond amazing) thing.

But in reality we both are still married to other people.

I actually couldn’t stand my situation at home so 2 months ago I’ve told my husband that it was over and since then we’ve been sleeping in different rooms and basically living as a separated couple- even though we’re still in the same house (figuring out how to move out as we live in a major city and rent is insane). On his end instead, I’m pretty sure his wife has no clue, even though he says all the usual things (they fight all the time, they are never intimate etc) and that because they run a business together, he needs to plan his way out in a smart way - which takes time. So he’s basically saying he really wants to be with me, and he’s moving towards that goal, but I need to be patient- isn’t this such a cliche?- am I being selfish and a dreamer for wanting this to move faster? I hate giving ultimatums and I’ll never do that, I’d rather just move on, but I know this is the real deal so I want to at least try a little bit more. Also, I’m still married too, and I already know the divorce process won’t be that easy, so ..can I still consider myself the OW? Should I fix my situation first, before asking him to sort his s*it out? 
 

[JTSW]

3 hours ago, cliche2023 said:

I’m pretty sure his wife has no clue, even though he says all the usual things (they fight all the time, they are never intimate etc) and that because they run a business together, he needs to plan his way out in a smart way - which takes time. So he’s basically saying he really wants to be with me, and he’s moving towards that goal, but I need to be patient-

Which translates to 'I'll never leave my wife'.

[d0nnivain]

Pot . . .kettle.  It would be hypocritical of you to demand he go 1st but if you have at least started the process by talking to a lawyer & filing you have to wonder why he isn't moving forward.   You two have been fooling around long enough that he should have had some thoughts by now of how to divorce and divide the business.  

Then again, by definition cheaters are liars.   You promised 'til death do you part  & forsaking all others when you married, yet here you are.  So him dragging his feet may be that he likes being married & having the business with you on the side.  He may have no intention of ending his marriage.  

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, cliche2023 said:

 we’re still in the same house. I being selfish and a dreamer for wanting this to move faster? I’m still married too, and I already know the divorce process won’t be that easy, 

How can it "move faster" if you can't afford to divorce or move out?

[BaileyB]

6 hours ago, cliche2023 said:

can I still consider myself the OW?

Yes

6 hours ago, cliche2023 said:

Should I fix my situation first

Yes, if you have decided to end your marriage, you should go about the process of divorce. It is the fair thing to do for both of you. Ideally, you would have made this decision irrespective of another relationship. But, since you’ve moved far past this point, it’s only fair to your husband that you release him from his obligation.

You have done what most women do - you have found another man and essentially replaced your husband. 

You should be aware - men don’t normally think the same way. Most married men are not looking to “replace” their wives - most want to keep their marital home and their family together, while enjoying the affection of another woman on the side. And while, there is always a chance that he will file for divorce and leave… the fact that he is telling you that he’s not ready, he needs time, should raise alarm bells that his words that you are the one for him are little more than pretty words. 

For me, I’m not interested in wasting my time waiting around for a man to leave his wife to be with me… the very idea is abhorrent to me. I would give him a deadline and if he’s not filed for divorce by that date (six months or one year), I would move on. In truth, I would not be interested in dating a man who is married to another woman so I would likely tell him to contact me with divorce papers in hand. If it’s really meant to be, if he means what he says, he will do that. If he doesn’t, you won’t see him again and you can move on with your life. 

Edited September 23, 2023 by BaileyB

[glows]

Is your marriage over then? Who cares what guy is doing. Divorce your husband and go on your merry way. Whether guy is divorced or not is not your problem. Be open to dating single men once you’re divorced. 

Once you’re single you’ll probably forget about this mm. He’ll be old news.

[cliche2023]

Oh well.. you guys are all right and deep down I kinda already knew this, but I guess I needed to hear it from someone on the outside.

Makes sense for me to take care of my divorce first and if he’s not ready once I’m done, then the only way is to move on - even though it’s going to be really hard and painful.
I definitely don’t wanna find myself in one of those situations I read here where the affair drags for 3,4,5+ years ..that’s nuts!

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, cliche2023 said:

I definitely don’t wanna find myself in one of those situations I read here where the affair drags for 3,4,5+ years ..that’s nuts!

No, you really don’t. 

Life is complicated and divorce is hard… but, if he wants to be with you, he will find a way to make that happen - as you are prepared to do.

I think the best decision you could make right now is to deal with your marriage - separate of your affair. If the relationship needs to end, end it. But, I would not do so with the assumption that you will be moving to a new relationship with your affair partner. 

As I said, he is doing what married men rather typically do - they are all talk until it’s time to file for divorce, divide the assets, share custody with their children, and see the hurt and disappointment on the faces of those that he loves most - 

Only time will tell if he is prepared to put his money where his mouth is… until then, I would suggest that you make the best decisions that you can make for yourself and your husband/children (if you have any children). 

Edited September 23, 2023 by BaileyB

[glows]

26 minutes ago, cliche2023 said:

Makes sense for me to take care of my divorce first and if he’s not ready once I’m done, then the only way is to move on - even though it’s going to be really hard and painful.

You may surprise yourself. Divorce makes many other things in life a cakewalk. 

Cross one bridge at a time and make no assumptions. See a lawyer in private regarding the divorce. Your main priority right now should be consulting a divorce attorney privately to discuss your affairs. Sorry. Pun intended. 
 

 

Edited September 23, 2023 by glows

[S2B]

Move out and file for divorce. You do this for yourself. Find a roommate if you have to.

people find ways to divorce when they want to! Can you support yourself or do you rely on your husbands money?

yes, you are the married other woman.

he may never divorce - so set a date and if he hasn’t filed by that date - end it. That would also mean not being in the band anymore. - so YOU can move forward.

he seems like a typical cake eater. Why would he divorce when he has a wife and a girlfriend all meeting his needs? 

consider your husbands feelings! He also deserves better - and divorce would allow him to find a better match for himself.

[Wiseman2]

18 hours ago, cliche2023 said:

Oh well.. you guys are all right and deep down I kinda already knew this, but I guess I needed to hear it from someone on the outside.

Makes sense for me to take care of my divorce first and if he’s not ready once I’m done, then the only way is to move on - even though it’s going to be really hard and painful.

Do you work full time? You're going to have to be able to support yourself and find affordable accommodations after divorce.

Hopefully you have a competent attorney to help you navigate through the divorce. Don't expect this guy to leave his wife and take care of you after divorce.

The only reason he was with you was because it was easy. He has no intention of helping you or being your next husband. 

[ExpatInItaly]

 

On 9/23/2023 at 9:19 AM, cliche2023 said:

Am I being selfish and a dreamer for wanting this to move faster?

Well, yes. What you're hoping for is not realistic. It is unlikely that this man is going to leave his marriage, but even more so when you haven't left yours. You want him to speed things up but all you have done it tell your husband it's over and slept in different rooms. That isn't exactly doing much to really move the needle towards actually ending the marriage. 

A lot of affairs don't survive the transition to a real relationship anwyay. Some do, yes, but many crash and burn. It worked as an affair because it wasn't a real relationship, with all the normal issues and mundane goings-on. An affair can be exciting and thrilling because it's centred around secret and fleeting moments, but once that is removed...sometimes what you're left with in the bold light of day isn't that great or interesting or even functional. 

A friend of mine experienced this. She her former MM left their respective partners for each other and she was so happy. But after the shine wore off, she discovered this guy is actually a crappy partner (go figure!) who wasn't present the way she thought he would be. The affair suited him because he didn't "owe" her anything and didn't give her much of his time. After he had all the time in the world to dedicate to her, well, he lost interest. It was too boring for him and he didn't stick around more than a year before he'd found someone else. 

Be careful what you wish for. 

[cliche2023]

Whoa you guys are hitting me with so much thruth and it hurts like hell, but thank you, that’s exactly what I needed 🥹

[cliche2023]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you work full time? You're going to have to be able to support yourself and find affordable accommodations after divorce.

 

Yes, luckily I have a good job and can totally support myself, I was ready to move out as soon as i told my husband but it was actually him that didn’t want to pay a full rent so I thought I’d take a step at the time and give him the time to process the news (obviously he was pretty crushed even though he knew things weren’t working out for us) I thought maybe it was his way to keep me there a little longer, but now it’s been 2 months so I definitely need to move forward with the paperwork.

 

[JTSW]

On 9/23/2023 at 5:38 PM, cliche2023 said:

Makes sense for me to take care of my divorce first and if he’s not ready once I’m done, then the only way is to move on.

I'm sorry hun, but if he's already making excuses why he can't leave his wife yet, he's never going to.

 

[mark clemson]

On 9/23/2023 at 12:19 AM, cliche2023 said:

 I’d rather just move on, but I know this is the real deal so I want to at least try a little bit more. Also, I’m still married too, and I already know the divorce process won’t be that easy, so ..can I still consider myself the OW? Should I fix my situation first, before asking him to sort his s*it out?

You're an OW, but him leaving is not something to put money on or build extensive life plans around. The possibility exists, but the probability is quite low - perhaps on the order of 5% as a guesstimate.

It's indeed a cliche that the OW wants them to be together, but the taken guy won't leave. Practical realities very frequently trump sentiment in life, and so truly happy couples sometimes separate due to one partner's pressing concern (such as a new job or caring for a parent) AND genuinely unhappy couples may stick together rather than dealing with all that a divorce entails (also a cliche). Indeed, one way an unhappy partner might try to help themself feel better is via an affair, which seems to be exactly what you two did.

At any rate, you'll no doubt plan for the life you want or think you need, but don't expect that he will actually leave. Suggest you think in terms of a 5% chance of that happening only.

[HappyAgain2014]

On 9/23/2023 at 12:19 AM, cliche2023 said:

. So he’s basically saying he really wants to be with me, and he’s moving towards that goal, but I need to be patient- isn’t this such a cliche?

This tells you everything you need to know. When a MM tells the OW to be patient, he moves responsibility from him to you. Later, the lack of action isn’t his fault but rather yours for failing to be patient. I’ve said it before, men aren’t complicated. When they want to do something, they do it. He’s not leaving his wife. He’s buying time to continue the affair. 

[S2B]

Why haven’t you filed for divorce if you intend to end the marriage?

if it were me - I’d give the married OM one week to leave his wife and file for divorce - if he doesn’t then it’s over.

he either will or he won’t and you’ll have your answer.