cliche2023 Posted September 23, 2023 Share Posted September 23, 2023 Feel like Iām going through a classic cliche affair story here,Ā but at the same time the s*it is so very realā¦ Iāve never experienced such strong feelings for anyone before. Weāve been friends and bandmatesĀ for a few years and Iāve never seen him āthatā way, never been interested, my mind never gravitated around that thought, not even for a second! So it came as a total surprise when heĀ came forward and told me he had feelings for meā¦I told him, no way,Ā Ā he was crazy and to forget about itā¦ But that actually changed everything and we slowly started hanging out more and connecting in a much deeper way until we finally kissed and started an actual relationship. The thing is that we are both married- ya small detail-Ā Anyway, itās been a year now and things are pretty awesome- we both have very odd/unattached relationships with our partners so we were able to take several trips together, spend major holidays together, when we go out we donāt really hide our relationship and we see each other at least 3 times a week, so overall it definitely feels like a normal (beyond amazing) thing. But in reality we both are still married to other people. I actually couldnāt stand my situation at home so 2 months ago Iāve told my husband that it was over and since then weāve been sleeping in different rooms and basically living as a separated couple- even though weāre still in the same house (figuring out how to move out as we live in a major city and rent is insane). On his end instead, Iām pretty sure his wife has no clue, even though he says all the usual things (they fight all the time, they are never intimate etc) and that because they run a business together, he needs to plan his way out in a smart way - which takes time. So heās basically saying he really wants to be with me, and heās moving towards that goal, but I need to be patient- isnāt this such a cliche?- am I being selfish and a dreamer for wanting this to move faster? I hate giving ultimatums and Iāll never do that, Iād rather just move on, but I know this is the real deal so I want to at least try a little bit more. Also, Iām still married too, and I already know the divorce process wonāt be that easy, so ..can I still consider myself the OW? Should I fix my situation first, before asking him to sort his s*it out?Ā Ā Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted September 23, 2023 Share Posted September 23, 2023 3 hours ago, cliche2023 said: Iām pretty sure his wife has no clue, even though he says all the usual things (they fight all the time, they are never intimate etc) and that because they run a business together, he needs to plan his way out in a smart way - which takes time. So heās basically saying he really wants to be with me, and heās moving towards that goal, but I need to be patient- Which translates to 'I'll never leave my wife'. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 23, 2023 Share Posted September 23, 2023 Pot . . .kettle.Ā It would be hypocritical of you to demand he go 1st but if you have at least started the process by talking to a lawyer & filing you have to wonder why he isn't moving forward.Ā Ā You two have been fooling around long enough that he should have had some thoughts by now of how to divorce and divide the business.Ā Ā Then again, by definition cheaters are liars.Ā Ā You promised 'til death do you partĀ & forsaking all others when you married, yet here you are.Ā So him dragging his feet may be that he likes being married & having the business with you on the side.Ā He may have no intention of ending his marriage.Ā Ā 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 23, 2023 Share Posted September 23, 2023 5 hours ago, cliche2023 said: Ā weāre still in the same house. I being selfish and a dreamer for wanting this to move faster? Iām still married too, and I already know the divorce process wonāt be that easy,Ā How can it "move faster" if you can't afford to divorce or move out? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 23, 2023 Share Posted September 23, 2023 (edited) 6 hours ago, cliche2023 said: can I still consider myself the OW? Yes 6 hours ago, cliche2023 said: Should I fix my situation first Yes, if you have decided to end your marriage, you should go about the process of divorce. It is theĀ fair thing to do for both of you. Ideally, you would have made this decision irrespective of another relationship. But, since youāve moved far past this point, itās only fair to your husband that you release him from his obligation. You have done what most women do - you have found another man and essentially replaced your husband.Ā You should be aware - men donāt normally think the same way. Most married men are not looking to āreplaceā their wives - most want to keep their marital home and their family together, while enjoying the affection of another woman on the side. And while, there is always a chance that he will file for divorce and leaveā¦ the fact that he is telling you that heās not ready, he needs time, should raise alarm bells that his words that you are the one for him are little more than pretty words.Ā For me, Iām not interested in wasting my time waiting around for a man to leave his wife to be with meā¦ the very idea is abhorrent to me.Ā I would give him a deadline and if heās not filed for divorce by that date (six months orĀ one year), I would move on. In truth, I would not be interested in dating a man who is married to another woman so I would likely tell him to contact me with divorce papers in hand. If itās really meant to be, if he means what he says, he will do that. If he doesnāt, you wonāt see him again and you can move on with your life.Ā Edited September 23, 2023 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted September 23, 2023 Share Posted September 23, 2023 Is your marriage over then? Who cares what guy is doing. Divorce your husband and go on your merry way. Whether guy is divorced or not is not your problem. Be open to dating single men once youāre divorced.Ā Once youāre single youāll probably forget about this mm. Heāll be old news. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cliche2023 Posted September 23, 2023 Author Share Posted September 23, 2023 Oh well.. you guys are all right and deep down I kinda already knew this,Ā but I guess I needed to hear it from someone on the outside. Makes sense for me to take care of my divorce first and if heās not ready once Iām done, then the only way is to move on - even though itās going to be really hard and painful. I definitely donāt wanna find myself in one of those situationsĀ I read here where the affair drags for 3,4,5+Ā years ..thatās nuts! Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted September 23, 2023 Share Posted September 23, 2023 (edited) 12 minutes ago, cliche2023 said: I definitely donāt wanna find myself in one of those situationsĀ I read here where the affair drags for 3,4,5+Ā years ..thatās nuts! No, you really donāt.Ā Life is complicated and divorce is hardā¦ but, if he wants to be with you, he will find a way to make that happen - as you are prepared to do. I think the best decision you could make right now is to deal with your marriage - separate of your affair. If the relationship needs to end, end it. But, I would not do so with the assumption that you will be moving to a new relationship with your affair partner.Ā As I said, he is doing what married men rather typically do - they are all talk until itās time to file for divorce, divide the assets, share custody with their children, and seeĀ the hurt and disappointment on the faces of those that he loves most -Ā Only time will tell if he is prepared to put his money where his mouth isā¦ until then, I would suggest that you make the best decisions that you can make for yourself and your husband/children (if you have any children).Ā Edited September 23, 2023 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted September 23, 2023 Share Posted September 23, 2023 (edited) 26 minutes ago, cliche2023 said: Makes sense for me to take care of my divorce first and if heās not ready once Iām done, then the only way is to move on - even though itās going to be really hard and painful. You may surprise yourself. Divorce makes many other things in life a cakewalk.Ā Cross one bridge at a time and make no assumptions. See a lawyer in private regarding the divorce. Your main priority right now should be consultingĀ a divorce attorney privately to discuss your affairs. Sorry. Pun intended.Ā Ā Ā Edited September 23, 2023 by glows 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 24, 2023 Share Posted September 24, 2023 Move out and file for divorce. You do this for yourself. Find a roommate if you have to. people find ways to divorce when they want to! Can you support yourself or do you rely on your husbands money? yes, you are the married other woman. he may never divorce - so set a date and if he hasnāt filed by that date - end it. That would also mean not being in the band anymore. - so YOU can move forward. he seems like a typical cake eater. Why would he divorce when he has a wife and a girlfriend all meeting his needs?Ā consider your husbands feelings! He also deserves better - and divorce would allow him to find a better match for himself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted September 24, 2023 Share Posted September 24, 2023 18 hours ago, cliche2023 said: Oh well.. you guys are all right and deep down I kinda already knew this,Ā but I guess I needed to hear it from someone on the outside. Makes sense for me to take care of my divorce first and if heās not ready once Iām done, then the only way is to move on - even though itās going to be really hard and painful. Do you work full time? You're going to have to be able to support yourself and find affordable accommodations after divorce. Hopefully you have a competent attorney to help you navigate through the divorce. Don't expect this guy to leave his wife and take care of you after divorce. The only reason he was with you was because it was easy. He has no intention of helping you or being your next husband.Ā Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted September 24, 2023 Share Posted September 24, 2023 Ā On 9/23/2023 at 9:19 AM, cliche2023 said: Am I being selfish and a dreamer for wanting this to move faster? Well, yes. What you're hoping for is not realistic. It is unlikely that this man is going to leave his marriage, but even more so when you haven't left yours. You want him to speed things up but all you have done it tell your husband it's over and slept in different rooms. That isn't exactly doing much to really move the needle towards actually ending the marriage.Ā A lot of affairs don't survive the transition to a real relationship anwyay. Some do, yes, but many crash and burn. It worked as an affair because it wasn't a real relationship, with all the normal issues and mundane goings-on. An affair can be exciting and thrilling because it's centred aroundĀ secret and fleeting moments, but once that is removed...sometimes what you're left with in the bold light of day isn't that great or interesting or even functional.Ā A friend of mine experienced this. She her former MM left their respective partners for each other and she was so happy. But after the shine wore off, she discovered this guy is actually a crappy partner (go figure!) who wasn't present the way she thought he would be. The affair suited him because he didn't "owe" her anything and didn't give her much of his time. After he had all the time in the world to dedicateĀ to her, well, he lost interest. It was too boring for him and he didn't stick around more than a year before he'd found someone else.Ā Be careful what you wish for.Ā 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author cliche2023 Posted September 24, 2023 Author Share Posted September 24, 2023 Whoa you guys are hitting me with so much thruth and it hurts like hell, but thank you, thatās exactly what I needed š„¹ Link to post Share on other sites
Author cliche2023 Posted September 24, 2023 Author Share Posted September 24, 2023 4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Do you work full time? You're going to have to be able to support yourself and find affordable accommodations after divorce. Ā Yes, luckily I have a good job and can totally support myself, I wasĀ ready to move out as soon as i told my husband but it was actually him that didnāt want to pay a full rent so I thought Iād take a step at the time and give him the time to process the news (obviously he was pretty crushed even though he knew things werenāt working out for us) I thought maybe it was his way to keep me there a little longer,Ā but now itās been 2 months so I definitely need to move forward with the paperwork. Ā Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted September 25, 2023 Share Posted September 25, 2023 On 9/23/2023 at 5:38 PM, cliche2023 said: Makes sense for me to take care of my divorce first and if heās not ready once Iām done, then the only way is to move on. I'm sorry hun, but if he's already making excuses why he can't leave his wife yet, he's never going to. Ā 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted September 27, 2023 Share Posted September 27, 2023 On 9/23/2023 at 12:19 AM, cliche2023 said: Ā Iād rather just move on, but I know this is the real deal so I want to at least try a little bit more. Also, Iām still married too, and I already know the divorce process wonāt be that easy, so ..can I still consider myself the OW? Should I fix my situation first, before asking him to sort his s*it out? You're an OW, but him leaving is not something to put money on or build extensive life plans around. The possibility exists, but the probability is quite low - perhaps on the order of 5% as a guesstimate. It's indeed a cliche that the OW wants them to be together, but the taken guy won't leave. Practical realities very frequently trump sentiment in life, and so truly happy couples sometimes separate due to one partner's pressing concern (such as a new job or caring for a parent) AND genuinely unhappy couples may stick together rather than dealing with all that a divorce entails (also a cliche). Indeed, one way an unhappy partner might try to help themself feel better is via an affair, which seems to be exactly what you two did. At any rate, you'll no doubt plan for the life you want or think you need, but don't expect that he will actually leave. Suggest you think in terms of a 5% chance of that happening only. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted September 28, 2023 Share Posted September 28, 2023 On 9/23/2023 at 12:19 AM, cliche2023 said: . So heās basically saying he really wants to be with me, and heās moving towards that goal, but I need to be patient- isnāt this such a cliche? This tells you everything you need to know. When a MM tells the OW to be patient, he moves responsibility from him to you. Later, the lack of action isnāt his fault but rather yours for failing to be patient. Iāve said it before, men arenāt complicated. When they want to do something, they do it. Heās not leaving his wife. Heās buying time to continue the affair.Ā 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted September 29, 2023 Share Posted September 29, 2023 Why havenāt you filed for divorce if you intend to end the marriage? if it were me - Iād give the married OM one week to leave his wife and file for divorce - if he doesnāt then itās over. he either will or he wonāt and youāll have your answer. Link to post Share on other sites
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