Husband Says I don't Listen

[Dahliapetal]

Here’s some back story:

I’m 32F and my husband is 45M. We have 2 children 7 and 5 years old. About a year ago, we decided to have him stay home and have myself be the working person in the family so the family could have more time and freedom. 
My husband is often upset with me because he feels I don’t listen to what he asks for, and I don’t follow through with the things I agree to do.
Recently he has asked me to help repair our wheelbarrow, and to take the kids shopping for new clothes. The way he asks is nonspecific on time, and sounds casual, but then he becomes extremely upset if it doesn’t happen right away. Another thing he’s asked for is that we have sex 3 times per week. 
I feel that his reactions to not getting what he wants is disproportionate to the situation. I don’t feel confident that I can improve on the areas he complains about in our relationship, and his specific 3 day per week ask on sex has turned it into a chore for me, and makes me not want to have sex. 
Am I really as selfish as he says I am? I love my family and want to make him happy, but I feel that I’m always disappointing him. 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Dahliapetal said:

 About a year ago, we decided to have him stay home and have myself be the working person in the family so the family could have more time and freedom. 

Does he actually enjoy being a stay at home parent?  When did the arguments start? There seems to be a power struggle going on. Clearly it's not about clothes shopping and fixing wheelbarrows. 

Almost like he wants to set you up to fail as well as bark orders to "prove" he's still the boss.  Try to figure out what's actually bothering him.

Perhaps he wants to go back to work? Has there been financial issues since he's not working? Who handles the finances and household and childcare? 

What type of "freedom and time" has been gained with him not working?

 

[Weezy1973]

Active listening is a good technique to improve communication overall. Basically you repeat back what he says back to him and confirm that you understood him correctly. 
 

And remember that marriage is all about compromise and negotiation. If sex 3x a week is too much for you, let him know. If you’d prefer just 1x a week for example, then 2x a week seems like a reasonable compromise for example. 

[Dahliapetal]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does he actually enjoy being a stay at home parent?  When did the arguments start? There seems to be a power struggle going on. Clearly it's not about clothes shopping and fixing wheelbarrows. 

Almost like he wants to set you up to fail as well as bark orders to "prove" he's still the boss.  Try to figure out what's actually bothering him.

Perhaps he wants to go back to work? Has there been financial issues since he's not working? Who handles the finances and household and childcare? 

What type of "freedom and time" has been gained with him not working?

 

We revisit the topic of him quitting his job often, and he does like staying home with the kids. Once the 5 year old goes to Kindergarten next year, he will start working again in a field that has more flexibility. 
 

I do agree though that this is some sort of power struggle. The funny part is, when we were both working full time, I struggled with trying to ‘do it all,’ taking care of the cleaning, cooking, caring for the kids, doing all the shopping, etc. I was on the verge of leaving the marriage because I wasn’t getting the help I needed. That was a turning point for us, and he started to help half and half with the tasks. He realized that even splitting tasks in half, it was a lot of work. We started talking about one of us staying home, and my pay and career trajectory looked most favorable. 
 

To answer your questions, he is the caregiver for our children while I’m at work and they aren’t in school/preschool. We split the financial tasks up and make financial decisions together, though he agonizes about the finances more than I do. We’ve definitely had to put together a budget since he hasn’t been working, but I don’t believe it to be a struggle. 
 

As far as what freedom and time has been gained, the kids don’t have to get up at 4am to go to a daycare all day/before school. We have more free time to work on projects around the house. What was once done in a rush after work can be done during the day which gives us time to spend together. 

I do want to point out that his mother has undiagnosed OCD, and I believe that he struggles with the same .

[Lotsgoingon]

Help me out here. Why should you take the kids for clothes vs him? And why should YOU repair the wheelbarrow? 

I feel there is something I'm missing about this division. If he's taking care of the kids, he can take them to the store for clothes. That's what the stay-at-home parent does typically. 

You want to stop having the contractual/obligation sex. The more you do that, the more you'll hate having sex with him. How nurturing is this guy? Is he good with foreplay? The general thinking is that working women definitely need lots of foreplay (without pressure) in order to stay connected to the pleasure of sex. The more he's making demands that you don't agree with, the more you're going to shut down.

So let me blunt: Is your husband acting like a jerk since staying with the kids? Does he have an occasional tendency to act like a jerk? 

Do you enjoy touching your husband--in sexual ways though not necessarily leading to sex? His three days a week thing sounds robotic. 

[IrinaM]

29 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Help me out here. Why should you take the kids for clothes vs him? And why should YOU repair the wheelbarrow? 

I feel there is something I'm missing about this division. If he's taking care of the kids, he can take them to the store for clothes. That's what the stay-at-home parent does typically. 

I have similar thoughts. If the division of labor is that he does the caretaking for the home and kids while you labor outside the home and provide income, then he's asking you to do his chores, basically. Why?

Also, his sex demands sound very selfish and entitled. You are supporting the whole family in addition to taking care of yourself (hopefully); he should not be demanding sex from you.

[glows]

I’d sit him down and ask him what’s bothering him because his reactions are hurtful and you’re both not communicating properly. Listen and see what he says. 

Also mention that you’re feeling tired from the arguments and it’s affecting the way you feel in regards to intimacy 3x a week, as per his request. Say you see that there are expectations but this also goes both ways and you expect to have a partner who is also empathetic, gentle in communication and that you’re both on the same page.

He’s looking for an argument because he’s walking around pissed and assuming he’s always correct. I’m assuming that you both still have love in the marriage and respect one another - that he respects you as a partner most of all. That’s what you both need to get through this. Do not argue with him about the wheelbarrow or the children’s clothing as it’s not the point. He’s angry about something and feels it’s his right to ask you to do these things but doesn’t see that it’s damaging the marriage. I think he does believe he’s trying to help. It’s just a very one sided and blinded view. You must communicate how you feel and what you want as well.

 

[Dahliapetal]

5 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Help me out here. Why should you take the kids for clothes vs him? And why should YOU repair the wheelbarrow? 

I feel there is something I'm missing about this division. If he's taking care of the kids, he can take them to the store for clothes. That's what the stay-at-home parent does typically. 

You want to stop having the contractual/obligation sex. The more you do that, the more you'll hate having sex with him. How nurturing is this guy? Is he good with foreplay? The general thinking is that working women definitely need lots of foreplay (without pressure) in order to stay connected to the pleasure of sex. The more he's making demands that you don't agree with, the more you're going to shut down.

So let me blunt: Is your husband acting like a jerk since staying with the kids? Does he have an occasional tendency to act like a jerk? 

Do you enjoy touching your husband--in sexual ways though not necessarily leading to sex? His three days a week thing sounds robotic. 

I think what it comes down to is that he has obsessions and compulsions that prevent him from getting as many things done as a normal person. Everything that he does has to be perfect.  He feels he needs my help with certain tasks, and in a way I also want to take on tasks that I once did all of because, well…mom guilt. 
 

He is nurturing in his own way, but very high strung. He is good at foreplay and attentive in bed (has to be perfect at everything.) But yes, the 3 times per week thing is robotic which is what turns me off. He has the tendency to be a jerk, since before staying home with the kids. 

[S2B]

Why can’t you have sex with him 3 times a week?

why can’t you fix a wheelbarrow with him the same day he asks? No timeline is needed - when someone mentions it - it means “let’s get this done now”!

I really see this as you not prioritizing him - not respecting him and not showing him the love he is begging you for.

try making him and his requests immediately a priority. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Dahliapetal said:

. He has the tendency to be a jerk, since before staying home with the kids. 

He seems to resent you and being a stay at home parent.  What he's doing is passive aggressive, not OCD. He's displaying being disgruntled with procrastinating, intentional inefficiency and setting you up in no-win situations. It's really that simple.  

He's ordering you around to be controlling, not because of whatever his mother's mental health problems are. For example demanding a schedule for sex as if he's the boss and this is your work schedule. You're playing right into it including being the sole breadwinner. 

It's a power struggle. You almost left the marriage before because he felt "women's work" was beneath him by helping out around the house.

Reconsider this arrangement it obviously hasn't solved the problem of him "being a jerk". There's absolutely no reason he has to be unemployed in order to participate in being a husband and father. 

Sadly you're still trying to make a silk purse out of a sows ear. He was a working jerk, now he's an unemployed jerk. Stand up for yourself and your children. Tell him to stop barking orders and do it himself.

Edited September 24, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Els]

22 hours ago, Dahliapetal said:

Recently he has asked me to help repair our wheelbarrow, and to take the kids shopping for new clothes. The way he asks is nonspecific on time, and sounds casual, but then he becomes extremely upset if it doesn’t happen right away.

Is he happy in general as a SAHP? It's not for everyone. If he's going through mental health issues and depression (as many SAHPs do), it might be worth looking together into getting help for him, or discussing a different arrangement, like sending the kids to childcare so he can work part time, etc. However, from reading your followup posts, it sounds more like he's just a bad partner in general, and that the fractures are finally just getting too big to repair.

Quote

Another thing he’s asked for is that we have sex 3 times per week. 

This is unreasonable of him, and frankly I think that the people who try to demand a certain amount of sex per week are short-sighted and either lacking in empathy or unable to understand how human psychology works. I'm a person who loves having sex with my husband and who cares a lot about having a good sex life, and having a demand like this placed on me for a certain number of times a week would be a straight-up turn off. In fact, I don't think I could have sex at all with a person who tried to insist on this, because it would demonstrate such a fundamental disconnect on how we view sex, and I would lose so much attraction towards them.

 

Edited September 24, 2023 by Els

[Dahliapetal]

59 minutes ago, Els said:

Is he happy in general as a SAHP? It's not for everyone. If he's going through mental health issues and depression (as many SAHPs do), it might be worth looking together into getting help for him, or discussing a different arrangement, like sending the kids to childcare so he can work part time, etc. However, from reading your followup posts, it sounds more like he's just a bad partner in general, and that the fractures are finally just getting too big to repair.

This is unreasonable of him, and frankly I think that the people who try to demand a certain amount of sex per week are short-sighted and either lacking in empathy or unable to understand how human psychology works. I'm a person who loves having sex with my husband and who cares a lot about having a good sex life, and having a demand like this placed on me for a certain number of times a week would be a straight-up turn off. In fact, I don't think I could have sex at all with a person who tried to insist on this, because it would demonstrate such a fundamental disconnect on how we view sex, and I would lose so much attraction towards them.

 

Thank you so much for your insights. I do think he likes being a SAHP, but there are just challenges with it no matter who you are. I think when you spend a lot of time ‘alone’ as you kind of do as a SAHP, any mental struggles that you may deal with are exasperated. On top of that, he grew up in an extremely conservative and “traditional” household, so I think that his fundamentals and his current desires are contradictory. It’s worth looking into a different arrangement for the sake of our marriage and family structure. 
 

We’ve had a difficult marriage but we also both want to stay together for ourselves and for the kids, we have fun together, we both want each other to be happy. But when there’s stress, he isn’t very nice. 
 
About the sex request, yes it does take the humanity away from it. I’ve always considered myself a person who enjoys sex, but putting a number on it takes away from the pleasure and spontaneity. 

[Dahliapetal]

10 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

He seems to resent you and being a stay at home parent.  What he's doing is passive aggressive, not OCD. He's displaying being disgruntled with procrastinating, intentional inefficiency and setting you up in no-win situations. It's really that simple.  

He's ordering you around to be controlling, not because of whatever his mother's mental health problems are. For example demanding a schedule for sex as if he's the boss and this is your work schedule. You're playing right into it including being the sole breadwinner. 

It's a power struggle. You almost left the marriage before because he felt "women's work" was beneath him by helping out around the house.

Reconsider this arrangement it obviously hasn't solved the problem of him "being a jerk". There's absolutely no reason he has to be unemployed in order to participate in being a husband and father. 

Sadly you're still trying to make a silk purse out of a sows ear. He was a working jerk, now he's an unemployed jerk. Stand up for yourself and your children. Tell him to stop barking orders and do it himself.

Ouch, I appreciate the honesty and a man’s perspective. 

[Dahliapetal]

13 hours ago, S2B said:

Why can’t you have sex with him 3 times a week?

why can’t you fix a wheelbarrow with him the same day he asks? No timeline is needed - when someone mentions it - it means “let’s get this done now”!

I really see this as you not prioritizing him - not respecting him and not showing him the love he is begging you for.

try making him and his requests immediately a priority. 

While I do see some validity in making his requests an immediate priority, 

1) I will not always be able to drop everything I’m doing to do what he asks

2) I am also a person with needs/wants/desires and they aren’t always going to align with his. Should his be more important to mine? I’ve actually been doing the 3 times per week thing and I honestly am disgusted at this point. I don’t feel excited to have sex and can’t wait for it to be over, even if he’s going down on me. 

[Weezy1973]

@Dahliapetal Do you think his wanting sex 3x a week is just a very basic horniness he wants satisfied? Or is he someone that’s needs physical intimacy to feel loved? Or perhaps if he’s right and you don’t tend to listen to him, is this a way for him to feel like you prioritize his needs?

It’s possible your order of priorities in your life is: kids, work, yourself and then him. And when he says you don’t listen to him, this is what he means. I’ve dated people in the past that were “me” people rather than “we” people. Decisions were formulated in their head about us and our lives without me in mind at all. As an example, they would already have a sense of what they wanted us to do on a certain day, and they hadn’t even discussed it with me. It was just “this is what we should do today”. And often their ideas were fine and I’d go ahead and do it, but sometimes I had my own ideas and when I voiced them they weren’t given much weight. 
 

It’s kind of like the occasional posts on here about people getting married and one partner has an idea in their head about what they want their wedding to look like and they had it before they even met their partner! 

[Dahliapetal]

@Weezy1973 I think he needs physical intimacy to feel loved, and you have a really good point. The 3x per week request very well might be a way for him to feel that I'm prioritizing his needs. I've tried keeping a notebook of specific things he's asked for throughout the day so I can cross them off my list in a timely manner. Things will seem to be going well, and then out of no where he'll just unload on me and say hurtful things.

Discussing this, I'm realizing that I don't feel motivated to jump on these tasks because I just don't like the way he treats me and puts pressure on me. The more I lose the drive, the more he nags. We've gone to marriage counseling twice. We could try an emergency session but I'm feeling pretty discouraged at this point. 

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, Dahliapetal said:

@Weezy1973  . Things will seem to be going well, and then out of no where he'll just unload on me and say hurtful things.

The best thing you can do is reclaim your sanity and stop jumping through his hoops. Discontinue encouraging abusive treatment.

You don't have to drop everything because he snaps his fingers. If he wants to "feel loved" and like a "priority", ask him to treat you with civility and respect.

If he's making sex yet another household chore, tell him that and mention that the hurtful things turn you off. It's really that simple

 You're going in the wrong direction pandering to his power and control demands. Stand up for yourself and your children. 

He needs to go back to work. This situation doesn't seem to make things better. 

[Weezy1973]

8 minutes ago, Dahliapetal said:

I've tried keeping a notebook of specific things he's asked for throughout the day so I can cross them off my list in a timely manner.

Are the things he asks for reasonable in your opinion? Not the sex thing (I also don’t think that’s the right way for him to get those needs met), but other things?

 

10 minutes ago, Dahliapetal said:

Things will seem to be going well, and then out of no where he'll just unload on me and say hurtful things.

What are the hurtful things he says? Are they hurtful because there’s a grain of truth to them? Or is he way off base and over the top? Abusive? 

 

13 minutes ago, Dahliapetal said:

The more I lose the drive, the more he nags.

Exactly. So he’s not feeling loved nor like a priority, which he then tries to rectify by making demands on you which gets your back up so you really don’t want to do those things, which then exasperates his feelings if not being a priority and the cycle keeps going.

[Dahliapetal]

8 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Quote

Are the things he asks for reasonable in your opinion? Not the sex thing (I also don’t think that’s the right way for him to get those needs met), but other things?

Some of them are reasonable, some of them are petty. He is very particular about how he wants things done, in example: the wheelbarrow. 

Quote

What are the hurtful things he says? Are they hurtful because there’s a grain of truth to them? Or is he way off base and over the top? Abusive? 

Sometimes there's some truth to it, I believe he's valid for being upset if he's not feeling like he's a priority. But he takes it over the top, and becomes verbally abusive.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Dahliapetal said:

But he takes it over the top, and becomes verbally abusive.

There's no need to put up with this or "validate" and reward him for it. Please seek information and support for abusive relationships. It's not about OCD and wheelbarrows. It's about keeping you under his thumb at all costs. 

Please see a therapist privately and confidentiality for information, ongoing support, advice and help. Do not tell your husband. 

Focus on the quality of life for yourself and your children. 

[glows]

Why does he have to be hurtful and unload on you at all, OP? He can ask how something is going and start a normal conversation. Why does it sound like he’s talking at you instead of with you in your posts? 

Marriage counselling is counterproductive in abusive situations including emotionally abusive and oppressive situations where one person is belittling or putting someone down whether by trying to gain the upper hand or just all round demeaning and controlling.

Were your kids planned? 

[MsJayne]

On 9/24/2023 at 6:09 AM, Dahliapetal said:

he complains

Yes, I can hear his endless complaining from here. 

On 9/24/2023 at 6:09 AM, Dahliapetal said:

Am I really as selfish as he says I am?

No. Someone in this relationship is definitely very selfish, but it's not you. 

On 9/24/2023 at 7:05 AM, Dahliapetal said:

I was on the verge of leaving the marriage because I wasn’t getting the help I needed.

You had to threaten to leave before he even considered pulling his weight. 

4 hours ago, Dahliapetal said:

Things will seem to be going well, and then out of no where he'll just unload on me and say hurtful things.

This is abuse. By putting you down, lecturing you, insulting you, criticising you, he's trying to assert his authority and control in the relationship, acting like the disapproving parental figure. And that brings me to the biggie.......

On 9/24/2023 at 6:09 AM, Dahliapetal said:

Another thing he’s asked for is that we have sex 3 times per week.

Funny thing about a partner acting like a disapproving, cranky parent, telling you off and running you down, is that it turns you right off having sex with them. Resentment has a way of doing that, it's an excellent contraceptive. He lacks self-awareness and empathy, literally has no idea that putting sex on a schedule is just another method of bullying and controlling his hen-pecked partner with his ridiculous demands.  You're working full-time, coping with the responsibility of being the sole breadwinner, coming home to the emotional drain of a disgruntled nitpicker, keeping up the roles of wife and mother, and he demands that you make sex three times a week a priority. What a self-absorbed jerk! 

You have children to consider which makes ending a marriage a heavy decision, but I'd be giving him the ultimatum. Either stop with the endless nitpicking and demands, start treating your partner with some respect, or go live in the garden shed with the broken wheelbarrow. He needs a serious wake-up call. 

[JTSW]

On 9/24/2023 at 8:35 AM, S2B said:

Why can’t you have sex with him 3 times a week?

why can’t you fix a wheelbarrow with him the same day he asks? No timeline is needed - when someone mentions it - it means “let’s get this done now”!

I really see this as you not prioritizing him - not respecting him and not showing him the love he is begging you for.

try making him and his requests immediately a priority. 

Completely disagree with this and find this comment disrespectful.

She is working full time, as they agreed up on.

He is home, not working, yet he is making more demands of her time for her to do things when he has all the time in the world at the moment to do these things.

This is a case of him needing to feel like he's the dominant one in charge.

She is doing more than enough for their family.

He is the one being unreasonable to establish his male dominance.

He's a complete ass.

[Els]

11 hours ago, Dahliapetal said:

@Weezy1973 I think he needs physical intimacy to feel loved, and you have a really good point. The 3x per week request very well might be a way for him to feel that I'm prioritizing his needs. I've tried keeping a notebook of specific things he's asked for throughout the day so I can cross them off my list in a timely manner. Things will seem to be going well, and then out of no where he'll just unload on me and say hurtful things.

Discussing this, I'm realizing that I don't feel motivated to jump on these tasks because I just don't like the way he treats me and puts pressure on me. The more I lose the drive, the more he nags. We've gone to marriage counseling twice. We could try an emergency session but I'm feeling pretty discouraged at this point. 

Yikes. The more I read, the more worried I am for you. I understand that you want to stay married "for the sake of the children", but perhaps you might want to consider that children often emulate their parents' dynamics. Do you want your children to grow up believing that verbal and emotional abuse is normal?

[JTSW]

I agree with someone who said he seems to resent you as the main breadwinner.

That's why he makes demands on you to do things that he has more than enough time to do.

Especially when the kids are in full time school, which they should now be in at their ages.

What does he do when they are in school?

He is enforcing his male dominance and control, especially with sex.

Sit him down and tell him that you would like both of you to attend couples counselling together.

Tell him he is making your marriage intolerable and abusive with his ridiculous demands and that counselling may help you both come to some common ground.