First time meeting

[lovesfool]

Hi everyone. The time has finally come to meet the person I've been talking to for the past year in real life! We are due to meet next week. I'm excited, but also very apprehensive about it. I think the apprehensiveness is just because there's a very slim chance that he's not who I expected him to be. Solely based on past experience of dating people who can converse well online, but are the complete opposite in person with zero chemistry.

I arrive in the airport kind of late (9pm). He has offered to meet me at the arrivals gate and drive me to my hotel. It was very sweet of him to offer, but I'm not sure if it's the best place for your first time to meet! Firstly, he could be nothing like I expected and then I am obliged to get into his car and make awkward conversation. It's very unlikely, but it's a possibility. Also, I always thought the first time I'd meet him would be walking into a bar or restaurant and we site down for the evening getting to enjoy our company. This would just be sitting in a car for 30 minutes and then he drops me off at my hotel and we don't see each other until the next day! It's not very romantic. Should I just suggest we meet the following day for the first time, or maybe even later that night at a bar?

Also, would it be a good idea to bring a gift, and if so, what kind of gift should it be? I thought I could get him something from my home country for a reminder of me when I'm gone but maybe that's too intense for what's technically a first date!

He's also planning a lot of things for us to do when I'm in his city over multiple days. Is that a bad idea? Like I said before, we may not click and then the few days we have together may be torture for either one of us. I did mention this to him, but only framed to suggest that I may not be what he's expecting, but the reality is I'm worried about the opposite!

Any other tips would be really appreciated. Thank you!

 

[ExpatInItaly]

34 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

Should I just suggest we meet the following day for the first time, or maybe even later that night at a bar?

Yes, this is better. 

I would thank him for his offer to pick you up, but arrange for your own ride to your hotel. 

35 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

would it be a good idea to bring a gift, and if so, what kind of gift should it be? I thought I could get him something from my home country

You could, but I would keep it very small.

36 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

He's also planning a lot of things for us to do when I'm in his city over multiple days. Is that a bad idea?

I think it's fine to have an idea of what you'd like to do together, but I would plan in some down-time on your own as well. I would steer clear of most things that require advance booking. As you said, you haven't met and it might be a flop. It's better not to set too many things in stone. 

[d0nnivain]

You need to speak up.   Tell him you would rather meet at a designated location the next day & that you don't want him to pick you up.  He's going to be disappointed but I suspect he has visions of sweeping you off your feet, kissing you hello & falling into that hotel bed with you.  So downshifting to breakfast the next day is probably better.   A gift is not required but a little something from your country would be sweet   Keep it low cost & edible.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

 we may not click and then the few days we have together may be torture for either one of us. 

Both for the purposes of safety and avoiding awkwardness, arrange your own transportation to the hotel. There will be plenty of time for meeting and sightseeing the following days. Try not to get ahead of yourself.

It's exciting to meet after all this time, but keep your wits about you and use common sense as you would with any stranger. Make sure you keep your people abreast of your activities. 

Edited September 24, 2023 by Wiseman2

[glows]

My thoughts as well meeting the next evening. Decline the offer for a ride late at night from someone you’ve never met in person before. Strongly encourage letting at least one or two close friends or family know your whereabouts, that you’ve landed safely, at the hotel checked in and when you’re about to meet this person.

A gift is fine. Keep the receipt incase he doesn’t want it or this takes a turn and doesn’t work out. I wouldn’t agonize over this. Even something small like a token from the duty free is fine. Or, skip this and treat him to something one of the days you’re there. 

I’d tell him to wait to meet before making elaborate or costly plans. He’s probably excited and wants to impress you. If they’re dinner plans that’s fine. 

[stillafool]

I agree you need to speak up and say what you want to do.  Definitely meet him in the hotel restaurant for dinner so if you don't like him you can say you're tired and retreat to your room.

[Els]

9 hours ago, lovesfool said:

Should I just suggest we meet the following day for the first time, or maybe even later that night at a bar?

Sure, just suggest that. He's probably suggesting picking you up because it's the polite thing to offer, but of course if you're not comfortable you don't have to accept.

Quote

Also, would it be a good idea to bring a gift, and if so, what kind of gift should it be? I thought I could get him something from my home country for a reminder of me when I'm gone but maybe that's too intense for what's technically a first date!

Up to you, I don't think it matters either way. If you do bring a gift, make sure it's a small one. Maybe just a snack from your home country?

Quote

He's also planning a lot of things for us to do when I'm in his city over multiple days. Is that a bad idea?

It really depends on the context and what the situation is like between the two of you. Personally, when my husband visited me for the first time, we spent every single day of his visit together. Call it the silliness of youth or whatever - we just didn't want to waste any of the days that we had together, especially when we lived so far apart. But if it's a more casual thing for you, then just be honest with him and let him know so he can manage his expectations. If you don't want to spend every day together, then mention that you'll have other plans for some of those days.

[lovesfool]

10 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You need to speak up.   Tell him you would rather meet at a designated location the next day & that you don't want him to pick you up.  He's going to be disappointed but I suspect he has visions of sweeping you off your feet, kissing you hello & falling into that hotel bed with you.  So downshifting to breakfast the next day is probably better.   A gift is not required but a little something from your country would be sweet   Keep it low cost & edible.  

Thanks for the advice everyone. Just one question on this. Why edible?

1 hour ago, Els said:

Sure, just suggest that. He's probably suggesting picking you up because it's the polite thing to offer, but of course if you're not comfortable you don't have to accept.

Up to you, I don't think it matters either way. If you do bring a gift, make sure it's a small one. Maybe just a snack from your home country?

It really depends on the context and what the situation is like between the two of you. Personally, when my husband visited me for the first time, we spent every single day of his visit together. Call it the silliness of youth or whatever - we just didn't want to waste any of the days that we had together, especially when we lived so far apart. But if it's a more casual thing for you, then just be honest with him and let him know so he can manage his expectations. If you don't want to spend every day together, then mention that you'll have other plans for some of those days.

I do think that him meeting me at the airport is very romantic but it might feel a it awkward. I probably think this because I'm not used to being wooed! I don't want to disappoint him just because I have this small hang up.

It's not really casual for me. I do feel strongly for him, but I don't want to get carried away seeing as we have never met in person.

He has taken off a number of days from work too which is a big commitment from him. If I told him that on the first day that I wouldn't meet him until the evening I think that would be cruel on him.

This is just a combination of me being unused to being in this situation and wanting the first time meeting to be perfect. I'm really torn as to how best to handle this. A part of me wants to just jump head first into it, but then the logical part of my brain keeps telling me about all the things that could go wrong!

[Els]

3 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

If I told him that on the first day that I wouldn't meet him until the evening I think that would be cruel on him.

This is just a combination of me being unused to being in this situation and wanting the first time meeting to be perfect. I'm really torn as to how best to handle this. A part of me wants to just jump head first into it, but then the logical part of my brain keeps telling me about all the things that could go wrong!

I just glanced through your previous post and it seems like you met him on Tinder and you don't have any mutual friends/acquaintances. In that case unfortunately I agree with the others, I think you should take a cab to your hotel and then meet him separately, not get into a car with him right away. It sounds like your head is telling you the right thing. :)

To be fair, with H, I did drive to the airport to pick him up. But firstly I was the one driving, and secondly we'd known each other IRL as acquaintances at college before he moved, and we also had a number of mutual friends. If those factors had been different, I don't think I would have done that.

[Wiseman2]

53 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

Why edible?

He has taken off a number of days from work too which is a big commitment from him. If I told him that on the first day that I wouldn't meet him until the evening I think that would be cruel on him.

That's ok. Meet up for breakfast at the hotel after you have slept and freshened up. A small gift is fine but don't bring food items through customs. Maybe a T-shirt or similar. 

[glows]

3 hours ago, lovesfool said:

He has taken off a number of days from work too which is a big commitment from him. If I told him that on the first day that I wouldn't meet him until the evening I think that would be cruel on him.

This is just a combination of me being unused to being in this situation and wanting the first time meeting to be perfect. I'm really torn as to how best to handle this. A part of me wants to just jump head first into it, but then the logical part of my brain keeps telling me about all the things that could go wrong!

Then meet him the next morning.

In regards to things going wrong, please remember as well that he’s a grown man who chose to take time off work knowing there is a possibility this doesn’t work out. You should not feel guilty for cancelling any further plans if you don’t feel good about continuing to spend more time with him. It sounds like you have undue pressure built up and I’m not sure how much of it is inappropriate pressure coming from him or him making comments that it’s a big deal for him to take time off. If that’s the case he shouldn’t be dating anyone long distance either as he’s not willing to take those associated risks and it doesn’t sound like his time is very flexible. This begs the question further whether LDR is a reasonable option for him. 

Edited September 25, 2023 by glows

[d0nnivain]

12 hours ago, lovesfool said:

Why edible?

Cost & travel space.  You can probably get something delicious for $10  while an item of that value would be cheap / not nice.  A bit of candy is a nice gesture, which is what you are going for here.  To spend a lot & get something more permanent when you don't really know each other's tastes is too much.  

Are for timing, since you get in late put him off with something along the lines of you will be tired & cranky from traveling.  You don't want to put him out by making him pick you up at the AP.  Plus you would rather have a good night's sleep & wake up fresh / raring to go when you meet him for the 1st time for breakfast / brunch / sightseeing.   You don't have to wait all the way to dinner the next day. 

Do be careful & keep your emotions in check.  It doesn't matter how long you have been talking.  Nothing counts until this real life meeting.  This guy is a stranger.  

[BaileyB]

I thought you were visiting the area on vacation. Ie. Meeting this man was not the sole purpose of this trip - it was just an opportunity to meet in person, while you were otherwise enjoying a planned vacation. 

If that’s the case, this comment from your previous thread concerns me. 

Quote

He has already booked time off work to spend all of his available time with me when I'm visiting! Offered to let me stay at his and pick me up from the airport too. I had to turn down a lot of his offers

You have never met this person before and he is booking time off work to spend all his available time with you - while you are on your own vacation nearby? Are you travelling alone on this vacation or travelling with others? Do you not have other things planned? I’m not sure why he would take time off work to spend “all his available time” with you and why he hasn’t respected your decision not to accept his offer to pick you up at the airport. I wouldn’t see his offer to pick you up, lett you stay at his home, and take time off work to spend time with you as a sign of interest/flattering - I would see this as a huge red flag. He sounds pushy and he would be moving way to fast for me… please be careful. 

Edited September 25, 2023 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

11 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

I thought you were visiting the area on vacation.

I remember this too.  Are you there to visit friends?  Do they know you will be leaving and seeing this man while there?

[lovesfool]

Okay so I think I will meet him later that night for a drink after I get off my flight and drop my things at my hotel. It would be nice to meet him in a relaxed setting, and a couple of drinks will help things too!

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I thought you were visiting the area on vacation. Ie. Meeting this man was not the sole purpose of this trip - it was just an opportunity to meet in person, while you were otherwise enjoying a planned vacation. 

If that’s the case, this comment from your previous thread concerns me. 

You have never met this person before and he is booking time off work to spend all his available time with you - while you are on your own vacation nearby? Are you travelling alone on this vacation or travelling with others? Do you not have other things planned? I’m not sure why he would take time off work to spend “all his available time” with you and why he hasn’t respected your decision not to accept his offer to pick you up at the airport. I wouldn’t see his offer to pick you up, lett you stay at his home, and take time off work to spend time with you as a sign of interest/flattering - I would see this as a huge red flag. He sounds pushy and he would be moving way to fast for me… please be careful. 

Firstly, when I said I am in the area I mean that I will be in the same country! I had to arrange a 1.5 hour flight to be in the same city as him. He offered to meet me where I was travelling to, but I decided to go to him as it would be nice to see a different location as part of my vacation. I am meeting friends in the first city, but on my own for the time I am in his city.

I think you have misunderstood something. In no way has be not respected my decision in not accepting his offer! Where did you get that idea? And since when is someone being kind and generous and offering to take time off work to spend time with you a red flag? That can only be a good thing!

[Els]

3 hours ago, lovesfool said:

And since when is someone being kind and generous and offering to take time off work to spend time with you a red flag? That can only be a good thing!

Personally, I don't necessarily see it as a red flag that he booked time off work. To me it really depends on the context and the extent to which your relationship has developed online, so it's up to you as to whether you feel it's appropriate for him to do that or not.

However, please make sure that you do NOT let this influence what you choose to do when you get there and meet him in person. If you are getting weird vibes, or you feel like something is off, or heck even if you don't feel attracted to him.... remember that you don't owe him anything just because he chose to take time off work. It's okay for you to tell him if this just isn't working for you, it's okay for you to set boundaries for your own comfort, and it's okay for you to decline to spend all your available time with him if you feel like you don't want to do that.

Edited September 25, 2023 by Els

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, lovesfool said:

In no way has be not respected my decision in not accepting his offer! Where did you get that idea?

Because you said that you had to turn down a lot of his offers… Perhaps I misunderstood, I assumed that you had turned down offers to pick you up and stay at his place and he was asking you again…
 

4 hours ago, lovesfool said:

And since when is someone being kind and generous and offering to take time off work to spend time with you a red flag?

Since you haven’t actually met the man. Normally, it would be a kind and generous thing to do if you were a friend or family member coming into town. Considering that you have not met the man in person before, the fact that he has taken time off work and the expectation that he wants to spend all his time with you puts a lot of pressure on this meeting - particularly if you meet and it doesn’t go well. 

In my experience, online communication tends to create a false sense of intimacy. I have had close friendships with people that I knew in real life who lived far away… it was surprising to learn when I visited that there were things about them that I did not know (and did not like), despite the fact that we messaged frequently.

I hope this works out for you, I really do. I was under the impression that you would be vacationing nearby, and thus it would be fairly easy to get together and meet. Had I known that you were going to fly specifically to meet him, I don’t know that I would have advised you to do that. I just want you to be safe and keep your expectations low - you may have messaged with him for a long time but he is essentially a stranger to you until you meet in person and spend some time together. 

Edited September 25, 2023 by BaileyB

[lovesfool]

Hello again everyone. Thanks for all the advice. I just wanted to give an update on my experience after meeting him.

The first night I arrived, I decided to meet him for a drink. No airport pick-up and no commitment beyond a night of chatting. We kissed just before we parted that night, but he did suggest going back to his. I politely declined and went back to my hotel.

The next morning we went for breakfast together and we pretty much spent the next four full days together. It was amazing. I haven't been this intimate with someone in a long time, or maybe never! He is the sweetest man I've met. Very caring and we have a lot in common, like a freakishly large amount! We agreed on everything from politics to religion to even food tastes.

He's also very expressive about his emotions, something I'm not used to. It's the only thing I'm unsure of. While it feels great to have someone tell you that they really like you, it can feel a little intense sometime, almost to the point where I feel I can do no wrong!

He said he wanted to be my boyfriend at the end of my visit. I was a little taken aback as I thought it was a bit too fast, but I think it's just because of the very weird situation and timeline we find ourselves in. We have been talking online for over a year (although only maybe 3 months of this was me thinking he was a legitimate romantic interest) and we've only had 5 days of seeing each other in person. I guess it's difficult to judge where it fits on your usual dating timeline where you might see each other regularly over a period of say 2-3 months.

Maybe I'm overthinking it. I said I would consider being a couple but in the meantime we agreed to be exclusive and he's coming to visit me in a few weeks time. It's a very strange time for me!

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

He said he wanted to be my boyfriend at the end of my visit.  we agreed to be exclusive and he's coming to visit me in a few weeks time. 

It's great your visit and meeting went well. Try not to get ahead of yourself and tie yourself down to a distance situation. Perhaps pace yourself, reflect and see how it goes when he visits. Try to get to know each other in person more.

[BaileyB]

I’m very glad that it went well.

[lovesfool]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's great your visit and meeting went well. Try not to get ahead of yourself and tie yourself down to a distance situation. Perhaps pace yourself, reflect and see how it goes when he visits. Try to get to know each other in person more.

Thank you. That's what I was thinking. I know we have been speaking to each other for over a year, and we've spent a lot of time together but it somehow seems a little too fast. But again I could be overthinking. The time we spent together is practically like having maybe 15 dates. We also technically lived together for 4 days!

It's new to me so I'm not sure how I should approach it and don't want to scare him off by being non-committal either.

[stillafool]

 

1 hour ago, lovesfool said:

It's new to me so I'm not sure how I should approach it and don't want to scare him off by being non-committal either.

Glad it's going well for y'all.  I'm sure you'll figure it out.

Edited October 11, 2023 by stillafool

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, lovesfool said:

The time we spent together is practically like having maybe 15 dates. We also technically lived together for 4 days!

Yes, that’s a lot of time but it’s still a little like dating bachelor style. You fly in and it’s all good times - you are exploring the city and excited to get to know each other. It’s not dissimilar to the start of any relationship when it’s all fun, and hormones, and excitement. That said, it’s not real life. So, if you take it slow that is good… it will continue to be fun and excitement when he visits you and you show him your city and introduce him to your friends. That is a great experience in a new relationship, I’m not dismissing that. Just know, you won’t get a sense of whether this relationship will go the distance until some of the novelty has worn off and you actually begin to experience real life together for a sustained period of time. But, that’s ok. I say, enjoy this stage for what it is and manage your expectations. 

[glows]

In my mind the focus is on logistics. This is often a mood killer in most distance relationships. Have you both discussed at length? How is this going to work exactly? He’s an eager beaver wanting to lock things down and makes me think he’s feeling a bit vulnerable and insecure or naive and anxious. Wouldn’t you be more concerned about who is visiting who, paying for what and how often? Please be realistic. Add up the possible number of days you will see each other in person every month and think of how often you’d see one another in a year. Figure out your budget. Also figure out your tolerance or patience levels. You’ve been in contact 1 year not having met this person so you must have some extraordinary patience and interest in this person. 

If you’re in a period of your life where you have time and can entertain something like this long term or feel enticed by the idea, the $$ spent, remaining on screens the majority of the time then that is also perfectly fine. Just be sure you know exactly what you’re in for. 

[lovesfool]

19 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Yes, that’s a lot of time but it’s still a little like dating bachelor style. You fly in and it’s all good times - you are exploring the city and excited to get to know each other. It’s not dissimilar to the start of any relationship when it’s all fun, and hormones, and excitement. That said, it’s not real life. So, if you take it slow that is good… it will continue to be fun and excitement when he visits you and you show him your city and introduce him to your friends. That is a great experience in a new relationship, I’m not dismissing that. Just know, you won’t get a sense of whether this relationship will go the distance until some of the novelty has worn off and you actually begin to experience real life together for a sustained period of time. But, that’s ok. I say, enjoy this stage for what it is and manage your expectations. 

That was my worry. I will say that I have never had this kind of experience in my life, both in terms of long-distance dating and the closeness I felt with him. I'm trying to not let being in a honeymoon-type period cloud my judgement and that's why I didn't agree to becoming his girlfriend right away.

13 hours ago, glows said:

In my mind the focus is on logistics. This is often a mood killer in most distance relationships. Have you both discussed at length? How is this going to work exactly? He’s an eager beaver wanting to lock things down and makes me think he’s feeling a bit vulnerable and insecure or naive and anxious. Wouldn’t you be more concerned about who is visiting who, paying for what and how often? Please be realistic. Add up the possible number of days you will see each other in person every month and think of how often you’d see one another in a year. Figure out your budget. Also figure out your tolerance or patience levels. You’ve been in contact 1 year not having met this person so you must have some extraordinary patience and interest in this person. 

If you’re in a period of your life where you have time and can entertain something like this long term or feel enticed by the idea, the $$ spent, remaining on screens the majority of the time then that is also perfectly fine. Just be sure you know exactly what you’re in for. 

No we have not discussed at length, but I did bring it up with him. I said to him that this is something that can't work long-term and he agreed. He said that he would expect if things worked out that we would be in the same country at that point!

I'm willing to do a rotation of visiting maybe every 5-6 weeks for about a week if it comes to that. So that means that I would be travelling every 10-12 weeks which I think is manageable. The cost would just be the flight which, while not cheap, I can afford. He also said he has agreed with his boss that he can work remotely if he needs to. I can do the same, but the time difference may be a bit of a problem. If it's only every 12 weeks I think I can manage. It may just mean some (very) early mornings!

I'm under no illusion of what's involved. I figure that it's worth trying for a while at least. If it results in me finding a lifelong partner then it will be worth the temporary inconvenience.