First time meeting

[glows]

It sounds like a decent arrangement but the other 50% of travel by him to your country needs to be confirmed or did he confirm he’s willing to do the same? 

The reason I ask these qs is because we see numerous threads about ldr flops when one person eventually leaves everything behind to move to someone else and that person is trapped (financially drained and limited) and isolated away from support networks such as friends and family abroad. Everything is bright and new now with possibilities - think long term and build healthy relationships , encourage one another to make new friends, join associations and clubs and be active members if either of you make a big move and have enough savings and financial flexibility to reverse any moves in an emergency.

[lovesfool]

17 hours ago, glows said:

It sounds like a decent arrangement but the other 50% of travel by him to your country needs to be confirmed or did he confirm he’s willing to do the same? 

The reason I ask these qs is because we see numerous threads about ldr flops when one person eventually leaves everything behind to move to someone else and that person is trapped (financially drained and limited) and isolated away from support networks such as friends and family abroad. Everything is bright and new now with possibilities - think long term and build healthy relationships , encourage one another to make new friends, join associations and clubs and be active members if either of you make a big move and have enough savings and financial flexibility to reverse any moves in an emergency.

I appreciate your concerns. I haven't explicitly asked him yet, but I'm pretty confident that he would be happy with the other 50% of travel. He is very keen and has been (to my ignorance) pursuing me for over a year to get to this point!

[Els]

On 10/13/2023 at 12:55 AM, lovesfool said:

That was my worry. I will say that I have never had this kind of experience in my life, both in terms of long-distance dating and the closeness I felt with him. I'm trying to not let being in a honeymoon-type period cloud my judgement and that's why I didn't agree to becoming his girlfriend right away.

No we have not discussed at length, but I did bring it up with him. I said to him that this is something that can't work long-term and he agreed. He said that he would expect if things worked out that we would be in the same country at that point!

I'm willing to do a rotation of visiting maybe every 5-6 weeks for about a week if it comes to that. So that means that I would be travelling every 10-12 weeks which I think is manageable. The cost would just be the flight which, while not cheap, I can afford. He also said he has agreed with his boss that he can work remotely if he needs to. I can do the same, but the time difference may be a bit of a problem. If it's only every 12 weeks I think I can manage. It may just mean some (very) early mornings!

I'm under no illusion of what's involved. I figure that it's worth trying for a while at least. If it results in me finding a lifelong partner then it will be worth the temporary inconvenience. 

Very happy to hear that everything worked out for you!

Sorry if I missed it, but how far apart are both of you (in terms of flight time, as well as timezones)? I think it's fine to keep your current plan as it is and see how things go for your next few visits, especially as they will only be 5-6 weeks apart. At that point, you would have spent over 2 weeks together IRL and 3 months in total relationship time, so you would be in a better position to decide if this is something that you want to be in for the long haul or not.

 

[lovesfool]

Sorry for not replying until now. I guess I drift off the forums when things are going okay. The flight time is about 9 hours. It's not easy, but I will try to make it work. The real challenge is working remotely when I'm visiting him. I will have to wake up very early (possibly 3am) to tie in with my home work schedule. 

Another update since I last posted. He came to visit me last month for a week! It went very well. We did a hybrid of working some days (just to see how it would work out) and then took days off to just be with each other. It was a very domestic arrangement with us cooking for each other and basically living together for 9 days. I really enjoyed my time with him and never felt uncomfortable or bored the whole trip. After he left we decided to become "official" which is a big step for me.

Something I'm worried about is falling in love, or more so NOT falling in love. I do care about him and am constantly messaging him and doing the occasional video calls, but is it enough to develop that bond? I'm in my mid thirties and I've only ever said "I love you" to one partner before in my life, so maybe I just don't fall in love easily. I think he is way ahead of me emotionally and I suspect he is on the verge of saying "I love you" but I'm far from being there. I've no interest in dating anyone else and am committed to him (I even booked flights back to see him again). Should I be worried if I don't fall in love within a certain time period?

[stillafool]

3 hours ago, lovesfool said:

Should I be worried if I don't fall in love within a certain time period?

No.  Go at your own pace.  If it's meant to be, it will.

[Els]

On 12/17/2023 at 10:44 PM, lovesfool said:

Sorry for not replying until now. I guess I drift off the forums when things are going okay. The flight time is about 9 hours. It's not easy, but I will try to make it work. The real challenge is working remotely when I'm visiting him. I will have to wake up very early (possibly 3am) to tie in with my home work schedule. 

Another update since I last posted. He came to visit me last month for a week! It went very well. We did a hybrid of working some days (just to see how it would work out) and then took days off to just be with each other. It was a very domestic arrangement with us cooking for each other and basically living together for 9 days. I really enjoyed my time with him and never felt uncomfortable or bored the whole trip. After he left we decided to become "official" which is a big step for me.

Something I'm worried about is falling in love, or more so NOT falling in love. I do care about him and am constantly messaging him and doing the occasional video calls, but is it enough to develop that bond? I'm in my mid thirties and I've only ever said "I love you" to one partner before in my life, so maybe I just don't fall in love easily. I think he is way ahead of me emotionally and I suspect he is on the verge of saying "I love you" but I'm far from being there. I've no interest in dating anyone else and am committed to him (I even booked flights back to see him again). Should I be worried if I don't fall in love within a certain time period?

LDRs tend to have longer relationship phases in general, simply due to the fact that the relationship is largely "on hold" in between visits. Yes, you are talking in between visits, and that does count for something, but it's normal for things to develop slower than they otherwise would IRL, IMO.

Wow, a 9 hours flight is a lot! My LDR was around there as well, and it made things quite difficult. However, we were students, which did complicate things further due to flight prices. As the two of you seem to be able to afford flights every 5-6 weeks, you'll hopefully have an easier time of it.

Edited December 18, 2023 by Els

[Wiseman2]

On 12/17/2023 at 7:44 AM, lovesfool said:

 He came to visit me last month for a week! It went very well.  It was a very domestic arrangement with us cooking for each other and basically living together for 9 days. I really enjoyed my time with him 

It's great you had a nice time and have a trip to him planned. Long distance can be lonely.

Even though you were talking a year before you met, the reality of the situation is more difficult than the anticipation and fantasy of purely cyber relationships.

Take your time and pace yourself. You two are still in the getting to know you (in real life) stage, so see how that unfolds.

You may be hesitant to jump in with both feet because right now you're still worlds away from each other..

[lovesfool]

I'm thinking that maybe the long distance relationship suits me in a way. I am a very independent woman so I don't tend to long for attention as I am very comfortable by myself.

I just worry about hurting him. He seems to be falling hard for me and my energy is not matching his. He tells me he is really missing me right now and if I'm honest, I don't exactly "miss" him. Would I like to have him with me right now? Of course! But we are in contact every waking hour of the day and have regular video calls so it's difficult to feel like I'm missing him.

I think that's just how I am emotionally. Slightly closed off and while happy to be on my own, also wants to share my life with someone. 

[BaileyB]

If your intentions/relationship goals are not consistent, this relationship will end. Simple as that. 

For those who want to date someone who is physically present in their daily lives, long distance relationships are obviously not the way to go. Not very many people are happy in a long distance relationship, long term. At some point, you will need to bring this together or end it. And while I appreciate the fact that you are thinking ahead, you don’t control this.  It’s up to him to decide whether this relationship is meeting his need for companionship or not. All you can do is communicate your own intentions, and he will make his decisions accordingly. 

Edited December 23, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, lovesfool said:

 we are in contact every waking hour of the day and have regular video calls so it's difficult to feel like I'm missing him. while happy to be on my own, also wants to share my life with someone. 

Please try to step back from this. It sounds suffocating. In an in-person relationship this level of text tethering wouldn't be necessary because you could get your needs met from spending  quality time together rather than compensating for that through text tethering.

You're not really "sharing your life with someone" at this point.  You're chained down to electronics to try to make it work in between visits and real life dating. Trying to compensate for the distance. 

Edited December 23, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Els]

3 hours ago, lovesfool said:

But we are in contact every waking hour of the day

Is this literally true? It's healthy to have some time apart, regardless of LDR or IRL. If you feel like it's too much for you, you should let him know. H and I did have a lot of contact (we basically left Skype running the entire time when we were home), but when either of us was out of the house, we usually didn't talk much because we were focused on what we were doing (classes/ time with friends).

Trying to keep up contact 16/7 sounds exhausting.

[lovesfool]

On 12/23/2023 at 8:11 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Please try to step back from this. It sounds suffocating. In an in-person relationship this level of text tethering wouldn't be necessary because you could get your needs met from spending  quality time together rather than compensating for that through text tethering.

You're not really "sharing your life with someone" at this point.  You're chained down to electronics to try to make it work in between visits and real life dating. Trying to compensate for the distance. 

I'm not sure what you mean? Like you say, if it was an in-person relationship then this level of messaging would not be needed. Would you not agree then that for long-distance it is needed to compensate? What's the alternative when you're still in the long-distance stage?

On 12/23/2023 at 9:34 PM, Els said:

Is this literally true? It's healthy to have some time apart, regardless of LDR or IRL. If you feel like it's too much for you, you should let him know. H and I did have a lot of contact (we basically left Skype running the entire time when we were home), but when either of us was out of the house, we usually didn't talk much because we were focused on what we were doing (classes/ time with friends).

Trying to keep up contact 16/7 sounds exhausting.

It's not like it's a constant minute by minute conversation. It's drawn out over the whole day. For the first maybe 6 or 7 hours of my day he is asleep so there's no contact at that point. From then on it might be one or two messages an hour. In past relationships I would have had an evening "intense" conversation via text and then it would end before going to sleep. We may pick it up again the next day. Now in this long-distance relationship it's the same kind of conversation but drawing out over our shared waking hours.

[BaileyB]

10 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

Would you not agree then that for long-distance it is needed to compensate?

No.

Prior to texting, people who were in a long distance relationship would have had one phone call a day. Or they wrote letters. Or they didn’t date people who lived in different countries if they wanted someone who was present in their daily lives. 

I’m not in constant communication with anyone. When I began dating my partner, there were weeks at a time when I didn’t see him because he was parenting his child. We would take a few times in the morning and in the evening - otherwise, we would give each other space to go about our day and live our lives… Had I texted him every hour for an extended period of time, he would have ended the relationship. He would be frustrated even by morning and evening texts. 

If it works for you, that’s fine. But yes, it seems excessive to me. 

[BaileyB]

17 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

We would take text a few times in the morning and in the evening

Sorry, that should say text. 

Edited December 31, 2023 by BaileyB

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

No.

Prior to texting, people who were in a long distance relationship would have had one phone call a day. Or they wrote letters. Or they didn’t date people who lived in different countries if they wanted someone who was present in their daily lives. 

I have friends, a married couple.  They met while he was visiting the USA from Scotland.  Incidentally, that was the first time I met him as well, completely separate from the two of them meeting, but that's beside the point.  

This was in the early 90's.   

It was legitimately love at first sight.  

She had two young sons.

They were determined to be together.  

For 2 long years, they communicated by long phone calls and ... FAXING!   They have fond memories of the thrilling feeling of hearing the sound of the fax machine.  Ultimately she and her boys moved to Scotland.  It was complicated but they are one of the magical couples ...

Sadly, the nature of the paper and ink used in fax machines has made the record of their correspondence fade almost to invisibility.

 

 

 

Edited December 31, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[NuevoYorko]

On 12/23/2023 at 9:38 AM, lovesfool said:

I'm thinking that maybe the long distance relationship suits me in a way. I am a very independent woman so I don't tend to long for attention as I am very comfortable by myself.

 

If you're independent, how can you even tolerate being in contact with ANYONE 'every waking moment of the day'?    Honestly - that sounds like a true hell on earth.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Sadly, the nature of the paper and ink used in fax machines has made the record of their correspondence fade almost to invisibility.

That’s so sad…

Thank goodness for email, text, and FaceTime! It has enabled long distance relationships of all sorts to thrive despite the distance… it has enabled romantic relationships to grow, grandparents to know their grandchildren, etc…

Although, there is something to be said for the old love letters that couples would write and send… I would prefer the communications we have now. That said, I would hate to miss out on life because I was tethered to my phone…

Edited December 31, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

On 12/23/2023 at 12:38 PM, lovesfool said:

 He tells me he is really missing me right now and if I'm honest, I don't exactly "miss" him.  while happy to be on my own, also wants to share my life with someone. 

Reflect if distance relationships are a good fit for you. The holidays are difficult for people. You're not actually "sharing your life with someone", you're texting about it to someone. There's a difference. 

[lovesfool]

18 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

If you're independent, how can you even tolerate being in contact with ANYONE 'every waking moment of the day'?    Honestly - that sounds like a true hell on earth.

Because it's low commitment. The messages are generally not overly significant in meaning, just fun chatter. If I am working and can't reply for two hours it isn't a problem. I might sent a one sentence reply and then I may not be able to reply again for another two hours. 

I'm still independent as it is absolutely no interruption to my daily routine.

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Reflect if distance relationships are a good fit for you. The holidays are difficult for people. You're not actually "sharing your life with someone", you're texting about it to someone. There's a difference. 

I haven't found the holidays difficult at all. Of course I get moments where I think "wouldn't it be nice to spend some time with him tonight" but I don't lose any sleep over it. I've been single most of my life and am comfortable on my own, but also enjoy the company of others.

Just so I am clear, are you saying that no one in a long distance relationship is ever really sharing their life with the person they're dating?

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, lovesfool said:

, are you saying that no one in a long distance relationship is ever really sharing their life with the person they're dating?

Are you sharing your life with him or are you both living your respective lives where you are and relating that back and forth? Besides updates and news about what's going on in each other's lives what exactly is shared? 

No one is implying distance situations aren't real but if you are on two different continents in two different worlds your day-to-day lives don't really involve each other. 

But as you mentioned, you're independent and want it this way, except you stated he seems to want more. 

[Els]

On 1/1/2024 at 12:50 AM, lovesfool said:

I'm not sure what you mean? Like you say, if it was an in-person relationship then this level of messaging would not be needed. Would you not agree then that for long-distance it is needed to compensate? What's the alternative when you're still in the long-distance stage?

It's not like it's a constant minute by minute conversation. It's drawn out over the whole day. For the first maybe 6 or 7 hours of my day he is asleep so there's no contact at that point. From then on it might be one or two messages an hour. In past relationships I would have had an evening "intense" conversation via text and then it would end before going to sleep. We may pick it up again the next day. Now in this long-distance relationship it's the same kind of conversation but drawing out over our shared waking hours.

One or two messages an hour is pretty constant IMO! As a 2-year LDR "survivor" (ha), I wouldn't necessarily say that it's needed to be in contact every waking hour in order to keep a LDR alive. You do need to communicate with each other, but it doesn't mean that there needs to be a continuous conversation drawn out over the entire overlap of your day. How would he feel about an evening phone call or webcam instead of constant texting?

[lovesfool]

4 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you sharing your life with him or are you both living your respective lives where you are and relating that back and forth? Besides updates and news about what's going on in each other's lives what exactly is shared? 

No one is implying distance situations aren't real but if you are on two different continents in two different worlds your day-to-day lives don't really involve each other. 

But as you mentioned, you're independent and want it this way, except you stated he seems to want more. 

I'm not sure you answered my question 😅

What do you consider "sharing your life" to be? We share everything about ourselves, our daily lives, intimate personal details etc.

Also I'm not really sure what you're trying to say. I don't think I'm doing anything different than anyone else in a LDR, am I?

1 hour ago, Els said:

One or two messages an hour is pretty constant IMO! As a 2-year LDR "survivor" (ha), I wouldn't necessarily say that it's needed to be in contact every waking hour in order to keep a LDR alive. You do need to communicate with each other, but it doesn't mean that there needs to be a continuous conversation drawn out over the entire overlap of your day. How would he feel about an evening phone call or webcam instead of constant texting?

It's not something that we've consciously decided to do. We just message each other whenever we want to. I think it would be stranger to say that we should only communicate between the hours of 7 and 11 😂

A weekday evening phone or video call isn't possible. I am asleep by the time he finishes working!

[NuevoYorko]

I'm getting the impression that you are very contented with this "arm's length" relationship.

There are a lot of people who actively, or subconsciously, seek out long distance situations because they really prefer to keep things very compartmentalized.  Or, even further, do not want to share their lives in anything more than a virtual and vacationing type of way.

That's okay as long as both of the people are on the same page about it.

[lovesfool]

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I'm getting the impression that you are very contented with this "arm's length" relationship.

There are a lot of people who actively, or subconsciously, seek out long distance situations because they really prefer to keep things very compartmentalized.  Or, even further, do not want to share their lives in anything more than a virtual and vacationing type of way.

That's okay as long as both of the people are on the same page about it.

I feel like everything I say on this forum is interpreted as having some very deep meaning! I've never had a long distance relationship before so it's not something I actively or even subconsciously sought out. It was entirely by chance where he was visiting my city and we just happened to get chatting. I didn't even realise he was a possible romantic interest until a year later.

I'm just enjoying having him in my life right now. I'm sure it would be the same if he lived two streets away!

[Alpacalia]

I think you should enjoy it for what it is. It sounds like you both are mature enough to be able to swap stories and perhaps get to know each other slowly and know what the other person is about. Just let things be and see where it takes you.😀