BF was talking to his ex at a party last night, leaving me feeling left out.

[Bellabee10]

Sorry in advance if you’ve seen this in another forum but I’m just a bit desperate to get as much feedback as possible. I’m back on LS after several years so first post in a long time. I was hoping that sleeping on it would make me realize I’m being unhealthy or ridiculous but honestly, I’m still having a tough time so I wanted to get some thoughts on this situation.

I am older so I feel silly entertaining these thoughts. I’m 46, BF is 40. We’ve been together 5 years, both previously married with two kids each close to the same age. Boyfriend had these friends way back from high school who invited him to their kid’s 10th birthday last night. He’s kept in contact with them but doesn’t really see them often so he was going to attend with his kids then stop by my place afterwards since I don’t live too far from them.

They didn’t get there until a bit later than anticipated so he called me and invited me and my kids over. Now it was a bit odd because I had never met them nor did I think they ever knew about me (unsure about that though). My kids and I ended up going and it was just awkward from the get go.

Apparently he told the wife (mom of the kid having a birthday), that his girlfriend and kids were coming, so when we arrived, everyone was welcoming. He introduced me to everyone as his girlfriend, introduced my kids, etc. Fast forward to close to 20 mins or so after we arrived. Mind you, my BF was standing by the counter talking to his friends and I stood there but wasn’t included in the conversation so I excused myself to sit with my kids. He called my name, I turned around and there was a girl he introduced me to and I stood up, she was very nice and gave me a hug. I remembered the name from when he mentioned one of his exes in passing. It was her. I don’t think he knew that I remembered. She was there with her husband and two kids (9 and 7 year olds).

All night she was talking to him. Apparently they all went to high school together, including her now husband. I started feeling uncomfortable because it seemed everywhere he was, she was there. There was a point before we left, that we were all on the couch- me, my BF, her and her husband. Husband at the end, then her, and my boyfriend and me at the end. They were facing each other just talking. No flirting but my insecurities were letting me feel uncomfortable. They were just talking about what was going on with his family, kids, school life, etc. All while I was sitting there for 30-45 minutes not being acknowledged because they were so busy catching up. They maybe included me in a couple of subjects but it was short lived. Even my daughter was there and brought it up to me this morning that it was “rude”.

I get they were just catching up and this relationship was at least 13 years ago- I’m guessing 13 years minimum because of her kids’ ages and his. BFs oldest is 13. He married the mom (his ex wife) back in 2010 so she was sometime before that. 

I just didn’t like how they seemed like they couldn’t part. The guys would stand in a group and she would be there next to my BF. We sat on the couch and she sat by my BF, between him and her husband. And they just talked. Like I said, I was right next to him and heard the full conversation and it was completely innocent. Prior to that, he did call me up to the counter a few times to have a drink with the group. I would stand there and try to converse with everyone but most of the time, the group’s conversation would steer to them talking about the past, high school, etc. something I wasn’t a part of. So he did try to get me involved a few times but I would say the majority of the time, I was left out.

He and his kids ended up coming home with us after the party. I knew he was drinking and I drove us all to my place and he acted like there was nothing wrong and actually back to his more affectionate self when we were starting to head to bed. He showed some affection at the party, arm around my waist, held my hand a couple of times, etc. I don’t expect it thought because we were at a party. I just wanted to reiterate he wasn’t ignoring me completely. The other girl was also quite affectionate with her husband when she wasn’t talking to my boyfriend.

I guess I just need reassurance that I’m reading too much into it and perhaps me not knowing anyone there being the outsider heightened my anxiety and insecurities. I’m too old to be having this mentality. Would you all feel a bit neglected too if this happened?

 

[Gaeta]

9 minutes ago, Bellabee10 said:

Would you all feel a bit neglected too if this happened?

Yes l would feel neglected  BUT l would be ok with it.

If my bf brings me to a work party, or a high school reunion, l am going with him to make *him* happy, fully knowing it will be boring for me. It's my gift to him. I am there because he wants my presence and introduce me to people and l'll let him have his fun and accept to be bored.  If he brings me to his family and l feel left out that's not the same thing though. 

The ex would not have bothered me. She's a high school girlfriend, she means nothing, they were kids. 

Sometimes we're not gonna be the center of his attention and it's ok.

[basil67]

OMG my husband does this all the time....attends a party and abandons me as soon as we walk in the door.   It's gotten a lot better as I've gotten to know his friends and I'm fine now.  

I'm not seeing the relevance of this happening with an ex, unless his behaviour of leaving you out was unusual.

Edited September 25, 2023 by basil67

[Wiseman2]

Why haven't you met any of his people in 5 years? They weren't flirting or inappropriate and the kids and spouses were all there. Maybe you felt out of place because they know each other from back in the day.

You may have to accept that people mingle at parties and try to be more independent and outgoing. Wait until you go to a class reunion. It's all about this catching up, reminiscing type of thing, so just relax.

Focus on the overall quality of your relationship and ask yourself why you never met his people before and why he only in invited you last minute because he got too drunk to drive.

[Bellabee10]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why haven't you met any of his people in 5 years? They weren't flirting or inappropriate and the kids and spouses were all there. Maybe you felt out of place because they know each other from back in the day.

You may have to accept that people mingle at parties and try to be more independent and outgoing. Wait until you go to a class reunion. It's all about this catching up, reminiscing type of thing, so just relax.

Focus on the overall quality of your relationship and ask yourself why you never met his people before and why he only in invited you last minute because he got too drunk to drive.

He actually didn’t invite me because he was too drunk to drive. He was supposed to come to my house after the party but ended up getting there later. So he gave me the option of going there to see him and the kids and meet everyone, mentioned that there were a lot of kids for my kids to play with too. It was towards the end where I felt like he had more than enough to drink. He wasn’t acting sloppy or anything but he had a few shots and beers and I didn’t want him driving home an hour with his kids. His plan was to do that, me drive home and him drive home, but I offered it. 
 

I haven’t met them in 5 years because he has seen them only once a year during a birthday party. The first couple of years we had not introduced our kids and those times were during a time we would have our kids. Then the pandemic hit and they canceled parties. My BF told me they went a bit off the grid and did not want to go out or have guests over so he did not see them in person for two years. BF lives 60 miles from me- they live about 10 miles from me. I guess he thought it was finally an opportunity to introduce us all last night as it was the first time he’d been to their home since this time last year and we already had plans to spend time together.

[JTSW]

Look, they are all his old friends that he grew up with and see's only once a year now.

They all have history.

Of course allot of the talk is going to be reminiscing and catching up. 

It's expected.

I think you read far too much into this.

He didn't do anything wrong, tried to involve you as much as he could and wasn't inappropriate in any way shape or form.

You sound very insecure and you need to work on that before this causes major issues in your relationship.

You are hopping from one forum to another dwelling on something that isn't there, something that you manifested in your head.

[d0nnivain]

Do you generally struggle in new social situations?  It sounds to me like everyone tried to include you but you wanted more than they could give while they were catching up.  You felt ostracized because they have history. Instead of trying you sat with your kids & pouted.  It's hard when they go way back but honestly if he didn't want you there, he never had to invite you.  You are being overly sensitive.  

[glows]

OP, it’s possible that your daughter was picking up on your emotions feeling left out and slighted. She felt defensive for you and also a testament to how observant children are. She knew you were disappointed. 

How long did the two of them date? I’m getting the sense that this isn’t just about feeling left out of a social situation and your mind going a mile a minute assuming the worst or that he still has feelings for this one ex he was speaking with most of the night. 

It sounds like they did include you a couple of times but the majority of the time they were absorbed in themselves. That’s what made you feel insecure. They weren’t exactly open to including you through all of it and were lost in their own conversation. Did you manage to speak with anyone else while there? Or were you sitting on the sofa on one end most of the time with your kids? 

I’d let this go and know what to expect when you meet this group of friends in future. Mingle around and move through the crowd.

No, it doesn’t seem like there’s anything untoward there or inappropriate but I can imagine it must be quite boring for you if you’re not interested in chatting with or have nothing in common with these people.

This leads me to the next question: would you see them again or think you’ll be interested making more of an effort mingling? If your daughter picked up on any stiffness on your part I can only imagine that others at the party did also and although they may not have known why they avoided you or felt it difficult to approach you. Try chatting with others and leave your bf to his own devices- don’t focus so much on what he’s doing. Enjoy yourself and get to know the others in the room.

 

[Bellabee10]

Hi everyone- Thought I would pop back in to give an update since my last post a couple of months back. I don’t recall if I mentioned when my boyfriend and I spoke afterwards, that he mentioned another party in November, which in a sense almost sounded like he was alluding to us going again, since I mentioned my kids enjoyed playing with the other kids.

Well, I was just on the phone with him last night and he was talking about his daughter who is in her tweens, asking if she “had to go to the party tomorrow, because she preferred to skip it to hang out with her friends.” I asked him “oh, whose birthday is it?” And he mentioned it was another one of their kids- the couple who threw the party last time.

Now, since my boyfriend and I live close to 60 miles apart, this last party, it was originally planned that he would come over afterwards as I only live about 8 miles from his friends who threw it. That’s when he just invited us over. I thought it was a bit odd that he never mentioned this party today or stopping by afterwards. Usually when he’s gone there, which is a couple times a year or so, he’ll say he wants to stop by. No mention of it this time. And he even set it up by saying he was not even sure if they’ll go because his son has his football game and they might be too tired because we would have to drive immediately after that game.

This discomfort isn’t really that I wasn’t invited. Like I said, I don’t know the group and just met them one time. I don’t think I would even want to go again either given how much I felt so out of place and uncomfortable not knowing anyone and with how much he and his ex were conversing. I also have such a bad feeling again knowing they will be around each other again and how they might be towards each other once the drinks start flowing. She will definitely be there. Boyfriend said that group is close and those attended last time are always invited. I also remember her being excited at the last party about seeing them again for the next one.

I don’t know how to feel about this one. Like I said, I wouldn’t feel right being there, yet I’m uncomfortable or just overthinking it wasn’t even mentioned, or my boyfriend even offering to visit. maybe he didn’t think about asking if we would come based on our conversation after that first party when I told him it was a little awkward for me. And maybe he even picked up on how uncomfortable I was. It also bother me that the ex will be there again and who knows how it will be between the two of them. Obviously her husband being there last time didn’t deter her from essentially following my boyfriend everywhere he went. 

[MsJayne]

If it was me I'd be grateful not to have to sit through another trip down Memory Lane with them. How excrutiatingly boring! I wouldn't worry too much about his ex and him being chummy unless he starts wanting to socialise with her and her husband outside of these group get-togethers. I think you're right about him not inviting you because you mentioned you felt awkward at the last one, and he very likely did notice how uncomfortable you were, but I'd also believe his statement about his son maybe being too tired to go. Quite likely his son doesn't really want to go either and that's his pre-prepared excuse. It's not good that you have a bad feeling about his ex, but maybe it was just her rude disregard towards you that makes you feel that way, plus the fact that your BF didn't do anything to make you feel included. 

[NuevoYorko]

Ok.  If you want to go, by all means let him know that you'd enjoy seeing them again.  But, you don't want to.

Let's revisit what happened the last time, starting with the things that were good:

"when we arrived, everyone was welcoming"

 "He introduced me to everyone as his girlfriend"

"He called my name, I turned around and there was a girl he introduced me to and I stood up, she was very nice and gave me a hug."

"They were facing each other just talking. No flirting"

"They maybe included me in a couple of subjects"

 "he did call me up to the counter a few times to have a drink with the group"

"He showed some affection at the party, arm around my waist, held my hand a couple of times, etc.".

"The other girl was also quite affectionate with her husband when she wasn’t talking to my boyfriend."

Girl ... that is a LOT of attending to you for him to be doing at a party full of his old friends - ex girlfriend included or not.  But it seems like you did nothing at all to hold up your end of the social situation.   You keep talking as if you were a completely passive entity who had nothing whatsoever to contribute unless your bf actively made it "about you."  Examples:

"my BF was standing by the counter talking to his friends and I stood there but wasn’t included in the conversation"

"All while I was sitting there for 30-45 minutes not being acknowledged"

"So he did try to get me involved a few times but I would say the majority of the time, I was left out."

"They maybe included me in a couple of subjects but it was short lived "

Hey - I understand if you're shy or socially awkward, and if you are, that would be an uncomfortable situation for you.  But the truth is that they gave you quite a few openings and made efforts to include you.  The rest would have been up to you, though.  It's not their responsibility to keep the subjects that THEY actively included you in rolling, not up to them to keep on trying to include you, when you were not really trying to find a connection with them yourself.  As illustrated by you leaving the counter and going to sit by your kids.  Which was not "wrong," but you were excluding YOURSELF.

Again, if you are not very comfortable in situations like this, understandable.  Where I diverge from you, though, is in your opinion that it was his job to be responsible for you 100% in this social environment.   

Why couldn't you just be interested in his conversations about his past and the things he did with all these old friends?  Ask a few questions so that they could carry on with their reminiscing without needing to make special accommodations for you, repeatedly?

If you could not because you were very uncomfortable, I understand.  But that still doesn't put the responsibility on your bf or anybody else.

Last point:  You told him you found it awkward, and in your OP you wrote "he acted like there was nothing wrong" when back at your place.   Why was he just "acting"?   He probably didn't feel like there was anything wrong.  You didn't feel like participating so you didn't.  He was very engaged and enjoying himself with his old friends so he carried on with that.

I have some concerns about your compatibility or, and apologies in advance, but that you may be high maintenance.  

 

[glows]

I think you are overthinking it. A caring person would naturally be sensitive to the fact you didn’t enjoy yourself last time so of course there would be some of that when considering you there on the weekend.

However more importantly: He did say he’s not sure he’s going to go due to his son’s football game that same evening and both of them feeling tired. It’s more likely he even doesn’t know. 

It would be presumptuous for him to assume you’d be interested in meeting him, his son or his friends after you shared you were uncomfortable last time too. You could have plans of your own. 

If you don’t feel comfortable that’s completely fine but make up your mind. Don’t decide to go and then disappoint or offend your partner saying you had a bad time or don’t feel comfortable. Not sure how the feedback for the last one went over. 

I have a q - are these people you wish he didn’t see at all? Are you hoping he stops visiting or partying with them? It sounds like the families and kids would miss out. 

[Alpacalia]

I can't tell you how many times I went my ex to events with his friends, especially football tailgating parties, I was never a fan of it (football) but I went because he went with me some of the things I liked and I knew how much he loved having me there.

My ex was an extremely social individual, more so than I, but by the end of it, all his friends loved me, some more than others and there were a few ladies who'd split off from the "girl's" group to chat with me about their own relationships or just women stuff.

I get that you want to feel included in a conversation about his SlRES and also that you're insecure because he invited her prior which would be different from his ex-wlfe. I hope for your sake that feeling like you are not being included in conversations or activities can breed resentment and insecurity in the relationship. Needing constant reassurance and attention can be a toxic trait because it puts pressure on the partner to constantly, (and unknowingly) have to prop you up.

You are reading too much into it.

It's normal to talk about old memories with old friends. You weren't purposefully excluded, they just had a history together. And even if there were some lingering feelings, he picked you over her. I think you are just allowing your own insecurities to ruin what could have been a fun night. Take a deep breath and relax. There's no reason to be worried.

[Gaeta]

Let me get to the heart of your insecurities: The ex. Puppy love from high school - can we even call them exs.

This is a woman he dated 20 years ago when they were teenagers. I am sure running across her was like running across a cousin he had not seen in a long time. There is nothing to rekindle here. They are revisiting childhood memories they're sharing with 10 other friends.

If she had been all over him at last party l would understand you feeling uneasy but that did not even happen, she even had her husband there that she acted affectionate toward.

So why are you feeling uneasy? Did your boyfriend cheat on you in the past? Did he ever act innapropriate with another woman? Is something missing in your relationship?

Edited November 5, 2023 by Gaeta

[BaileyB]

In your first post, you say that he’s kept in contact with these friends, but he doesn’t see them very often. You can correct me if I’m wrong, but considering that you have been dating for five years and this was your first time meeting this group of friends, I would say that these are old but not particularly close friends. To me, this sounds like a reunion of old friends, one of whom he’s kept more contact than the others, and the group is just enjoying reconnecting at this time.

In which case, I think you have to determine how important it is to get to know these people. Are they going to continue gathering, in which case you may want to consider investing in getting to know these people a little more - because it’s important to your partner. I realize that you were not invited, but I’m sure if you asked to attend it would not be  problem. 

If this group is going to meet once or twice, and then go on with their lives… then no, I would let him go and find something else to do. You obviously didn’t enjoy the first gathering, there is no harm in letting him spend time with old friends alone. 

Your concern about his ex-girlfriend seems unfounded at this point. She is married, her husband sat next to her while she talked with your boyfriend… I understand that there is history there, but unless and until he has given you reason not to trust him, I wouldn’t be creating problems where they don’t exist. 

 

[FMW]

I agree with what's been said about not attending with him if these gatherings are very few and far between.  

If they are going to happen several times a year or more, then I would go. 

I've been in similar situations, I understand the awkwardness and/or internal upset they can cause.  I hate it about myself, but I can be insecure/jealous about women from my guy's past, even though he's given me no reason to feel that way. What my guy does for a living makes it more likely to run into people he knew a long time ago. But we all have relationships in our past, they are part of what makes us who we are today.  How are you with past boyfriends?  Would you be tempted by one of them if you socialized in a group together?  Turn the situation around and maybe that will help you get a handle on things.

For me, the best way to handle my discomfort with similar situations is to join in the conversations when I have an opening.  Ask questions (even if you really aren't that interested).  Look at those situations as ways to get to know your boyfriend better, to understand his past experiences.  The others will also have an easier time engaging with you if you show interest. Conversations will then be more likely to turn to more current issues if you show some patience and acceptance of their reminiscing.   

[Bassthumper]

Never ever let someone your with feel uncomfortable at these gatherings by talking to your ex right in front of them. It's not cool. I guarantee if you you were not there they would be gettin real comfortable.

[Els]

On 11/5/2023 at 9:27 AM, Bellabee10 said:

I also have such a bad feeling again knowing they will be around each other again and how they might be towards each other once the drinks start flowing.

Um... what?? If I'm reading your post correctly, it's a kid's birthday party that we're talking about. Do they really drink THAT much with their kids around, or is this something you're just imagining? Cheating can happen anywhere, sure, but if you're that concerned about it happening at a kid's birthday party, either this guy is an incredibly irresponsible alcoholic who gets blackout drunk and hits on women with his kids around him... or you're letting your imagination get the better of you. For the sake of everyone involved, especially the kids, I'm hoping it's the latter.

Edited November 9, 2023 by Els