I hold a lot of anger towards myself after my breakup and blame myself for it entirely.

[BrokenHeart883]

My ex and I began dating around August of last year(2022). She's a medical student and I had just gotten laid off from my job(work in tech) when we met, and it was a bit of a dark place for me, but we decided to keep talking. Financially, she covered most of the expenses at the start of the relationship. It took a long time for me to land employment, like 7 months.. but luckily I found an even better job than I had before(current job). During this time we did have a few fights; my exes parents liked to get gifts whenever I was invited to dinner and it began adding up, so my gf offered to pay for one of the bottle's of wine that I would bring. I did not expect her to do this, but she said she wanted to help and it was super helpful and appreciated. This was like maybe 4-5 months in, and like a few months later her dad went thru her finances(joint acc) and began questioning her why she was paying for everything, including the wine and accused me of using her(to her, I was never present for his dialogue). My ex began giving me pressure that we can't go on dates, and asked why I made her pay for the wine and that I did not care about impressing her parents. This made me feel incredibly small, and broke my trust. I felt she was using finances against me, after she said it was fine and wanted to help. When I came to her parents again, she recommended I get flowers(it almost felt like an apology on my part - what did I do wrong?). 

 

I was also not perfect. Early in the relationship while job hunting, I did poorly on a relatively easy interview and offloaded my emotions onto her - I began putting myself down by saying that I was worthless, useless and that she could do better than me. She got really upset and wanted to break up. We later got back together after this. A more recent example is that I was supposed to go to her brother's wedding like two weekends ago. A month prior to this, I told her over the phone I felt very stressed about getting a suit for this wedding and when we began exploring options she offered to lend money and realizing I couldn't trust that promise, got angry at her and told her it's unfair she doesn't ask how I am feeling. She got super upset and ended it with me, and then asked to get back together the next day. A week later, I asked for space and didn't talk to her for two days and just said I was bored with the relationship - I was fed up but also just wanted her to check up on me(toxic, this is my fault). I texted her two days later asking to see her, and just tried to be normal and offered to go visit her. She put a lot of effort when I visited, being flirty and jumping on me and being very PDA which was nice cause I have been asking for that for a while... she always felt insecure about it and never really did that and it upset me. It stinks, that she finally did what I have been asking for for months at the end... After I visited her that night she told me she changed her mind about moving in together in the near future, that she wants to be married before doing so(always told me diff) and that she doesn't move away for residency(we discussed moving away before moving back). She wants to live near her parents, which isn't near me. The location issue was something that we never really properly discussed between us. 

 

She told me that she saw a future with me like 6 months in, and towards the end of the relationship she kept asking what I wanted long term and I didn't want to commit to anything because I really wanted some more time to get my finances and career on track so I'm stable. I didn't want to depend on her or anything. I know she wanted to get married around the two year mark and it all just felt rushed, like we both had some internal growth to do, our careers to establish and finances to get together. I'm not entirely sure if I felt secure with her, I definitely felt very pressured due to the time constraint, having to relocate to her parents location, and being ignored that I basically wanted more physical touch. I really wanted us to just focus on the now and work everything out first. I think we both failed but I can't help but blame myself for all the wrong I've done to myself. I feel if I was more communicative, and honestly more mature in a few certain situations, we'd be together and it almost seems unfair because writing this out I realized she actually did a lot more wrong than I let myself believe. I also should have been more mature, and more vulnerable and communicative with my feelings... trying to push her away to get her to be more touchy was so toxic and I'm ashamed I even did that. 

 

Kinda just a mess emotionally atm and wish I could just begin to feel better. Think im going to just work on myself for a while, disappointed that I was toxic at times too. Really bothers me.

 

Maybe some more wiser voices here have some advice? 

Thank you. 

 

Edited September 26, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
shorten title

[glows]

The math isn’t mathing. She’s a med student not yet a resident or is she in residency? Where does she live and how does she support herself? Are her parents helping her fund her lifestyle? I can see why her father is upset. 

Her behaviour just doesn’t seem like someone who has really worked for what she has. Each time a relationship needs to be affirmed, money = expensive gifts. Her parents think it’s ok for you to spend money all the time but not ok for their daughter to do so yet she’s been raining money and funding the majority of the relationship. While I see why her father is upset. I also think he’s a hypocrite and so is his daughter. 

Instead of renting a suit, you were struggling with buying one? Or did you mean you intended to rent a suit and finding it difficult to pay for a rental? When you are uncomfortable, she solves an issue by handing out money. 

She is this way because her parents likely treat her /their children the same way. Sadly it’s ok for them to do it but not their daughter. And it’s ok for them and their daughter to accept gifts and be spoiled but not you because both you and her are supposed to fill some archaic moldy skeleton of a sexist stereotype.

Look, I don’t think you missed out on anything big by this not working out. Yes, I do think it was probably imbalanced as ideally a couple should be chipping in together and on the same page with finances. I think you dodged a bullet with her family and congrats on the new job.

[Weezy1973]

How old are you both? She sounds young and possibly inexperienced in relationships. 
 

And yes, your communication wasn’t great with the passive aggressiveness. I think it’s possible both of you subconsciously knew you weren’t really a great match, so you became non-commital, and she decided she wanted to live closer to her parents. I wouldn’t put too much blame on yourself - it sounds like the relationship just ran its course. 

[JTSW]

The fact that her father goes through her finances shows that she lives on money they are giving her.

It's not her money and she was paying allot of stuff for you, that's why her father was upset.

She is carried by her parents, and while she is doing well to to secure a decent future for herself, she is always going to depend on them.

She want's to leave close to them, so they are always on hand to bail her out of anything.

She seems in a rush to want to get married. This tells me that maybe her father will stop their financial support at a certain time, so she needs to get married to be supported.

You haven't lost out on anything here and you are doing the right thing focusing on yourself for a while.

[d0nnivain]

Stop blaming yourself.  You were not the sole cause of the break up.  Timing wasn't right.  Let it go.  Focus on your job.  Get your financial house in order & move forward.  

[BreakOnThrough]

Be independent before you start a relationship, depending on others or taking their support will ONLY lead to issues down the line.

[Acacia98]

I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through.

I guess the thing that stands out the most to me is this: It's not a good idea to get into a new relationship when you're struggling financially and emotionally. But, having said that, the two of you sound incompatible. I don't think this relationship would ultimately have worked out.

You're human. You had struggles, and they impacted you. By choosing to date then, you put yourself in a situation that would put additional pressure on you. At the same time, your ex's timeline was out of sync with your reality. Her offering to assist you, while kind, was unwise. It impacted your relationship dynamic in unhealthy ways. And there are indications that she didn't have a realistic grasp of the implications of your circumstances. I say that because she expected you to meet her parents and buy them gifts when your finances were in bad shape. That was unwise of her but also insensitive. In addition, her talking to her dad about how she was helping you seemed to change her perception of you. That suggests two things: 1) She had not thought things through before offering to help you, 2) she may be the sort of person who's easily influenced by her parents.

Overall, I'd say she sounds way younger than you (I'm talking maturity, not literal age). She also sounds like she comes from a more privileged background and has lived a sheltered life. That makes for an adventurous dating experience, which could be fun, I guess. But you both sounded like you wanted to be with people who were more similar to you.

[Wiseman2]

Try not to beat yourself up over it. You seem completely incompatible and as if you were both trying to change each other and forcefit things. Continue working on your goals and moving forward. 

[BrokenHeart883]

20 hours ago, glows said:

The math isn’t mathing. She’s a med student not yet a resident or is she in residency? Where does she live and how does she support herself? Are her parents helping her fund her lifestyle? I can see why her father is upset. 

Her behaviour just doesn’t seem like someone who has really worked for what she has. Each time a relationship needs to be affirmed, money = expensive gifts. Her parents think it’s ok for you to spend money all the time but not ok for their daughter to do so yet she’s been raining money and funding the majority of the relationship. While I see why her father is upset. I also think he’s a hypocrite and so is his daughter. 

Instead of renting a suit, you were struggling with buying one? Or did you mean you intended to rent a suit and finding it difficult to pay for a rental? When you are uncomfortable, she solves an issue by handing out money. 

She is this way because her parents likely treat her /their children the same way. Sadly it’s ok for them to do it but not their daughter. And it’s ok for them and their daughter to accept gifts and be spoiled but not you because both you and her are supposed to fill some archaic moldy skeleton of a sexist stereotype.

Look, I don’t think you missed out on anything big by this not working out. Yes, I do think it was probably imbalanced as ideally a couple should be chipping in together and on the same page with finances. I think you dodged a bullet with her family and congrats on the new job.

Her dad pays for her apartment, as she is a third year medical student. I knew I would need a suit and wanted to buy one, didn't really wanna rent one, but I think deep down what bothered me was that I felt like I was just doing stuff for someone to meet some like checklist. Going to a wedding together would be fun... but it almost felt like I had checkmarks to meet for her and her timeline of wanting things rather than trying to live my life. I think it got to me, cause she never really did "deadlines" for me. While dating I kept thinking that I need to uproot my life and move to her hometown, have to get married soon, and have to do stuff for her family. The marriage thing I found really stressful, like we weren't even dating a year and she was really pressing it and I mean she is 25... not like we are THAT tight on time.. I always told her that before being married, I wanna be fully independent and secure with my finances and career and I don't think she really respected that, or just expected that money shouldn't be an issue? 

 

As for her dad... he is quite wealthily, but I just found it weird anytime they had a dinner I had to bring like wine... I get bringing stuff but I dunno, every time? lol, it was just a home cooked meal... He also would ask his daughter if we shared a bed, etc which was a little creepy. He was pretty conservative. 

 

Sometimes it felt like she wanted to get married and I just "checked a lot of the right boxes" at the time.. I felt under a year is too short to consider marriage especially at our age (I am 28, she 25). I did feel very pressured from it. 

Edited September 26, 2023 by BrokenHeart883

[BrokenHeart883]

17 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

How old are you both? She sounds young and possibly inexperienced in relationships. 
 

And yes, your communication wasn’t great with the passive aggressiveness. I think it’s possible both of you subconsciously knew you weren’t really a great match, so you became non-commital, and she decided she wanted to live closer to her parents. I wouldn’t put too much blame on yourself - it sounds like the relationship just ran its course. 

Perhaps, but I am not proud I acted immature at this. I think, especially being late 20s, I am better than that... but also I was very stressed dating her. She brought up marriage way too early, I feel if she was more relaxed and okay with just dating in the moment things could have been a lot better. She seemed really stressed about getting married before residency, which I guess I get but also disagree with. Sure, it would have been a stressful time but it doesn't mean you rush a relationship. The pressure really turned me off, aside from other issues in our relationship. 

[BrokenHeart883]

7 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through.

I guess the thing that stands out the most to me is this: It's not a good idea to get into a new relationship when you're struggling financially and emotionally. But, having said that, the two of you sound incompatible. I don't think this relationship would ultimately have worked out.

You're human. You had struggles, and they impacted you. By choosing to date then, you put yourself in a situation that would put additional pressure on you. At the same time, your ex's timeline was out of sync with your reality. Her offering to assist you, while kind, was unwise. It impacted your relationship dynamic in unhealthy ways. And there are indications that she didn't have a realistic grasp of the implications of your circumstances. I say that because she expected you to meet her parents and buy them gifts when your finances were in bad shape. That was unwise of her but also insensitive. In addition, her talking to her dad about how she was helping you seemed to change her perception of you. That suggests two things: 1) She had not thought things through before offering to help you, 2) she may be the sort of person who's easily influenced by her parents.

Overall, I'd say she sounds way younger than you (I'm talking maturity, not literal age). She also sounds like she comes from a more privileged background and has lived a sheltered life. That makes for an adventurous dating experience, which could be fun, I guess. But you both sounded like you wanted to be with people who were more similar to you.

So she is 25 and I am 28. I think she was very focused on getting married and it almost felt like a goal in her life you just achieve rather than something you want to do when you meet the "one". She comes from a wealthy background and I come from a working class one. It was concerning to me too that when her father spoke to her, she considered I may be taking advantage of her rather than defend me. - she was pushing marriage but then had doubts about me? It just... stinks to think about. When my finances got better I did begin paying for a lot more, for what it's worth. 

 

I also do think she kinda was wishy washy with what she wanted. At first she wanted to live together before marriage and was okay with relocating somewhere for residency, to she doesn't wanna live together anymore before marriage and wants to be close to her parents. 

 

I also feel, after everything ended she gaslighted me a bit. She mentioned how her dad told her he doesn't care if she married a poor man because she will always have money, but it was important that a man treated her well - yet my ex said I always treated her well...but got upset I didn't spend money on her parents lol, AND that I didn't take her out on dates in front of her parents. Clearly, money is somewhat a concern. She also offered to speak in-person because her therapist suggested it would be a good way to move on after ending things - having the respect to do things face-to-face. I asked if we hung out, would she give us a chance and she said no and cancelled the offer cause she didn't want to instill hope within me. A week later she mentioned (along with the poor man thing her father claims), how she gave me a chance to get back together with her(referring to speaking to in person) but I threw it away. 

 

I've since gone no contact, but yeah, lol. Kinda just feel like.....not that great, really empty. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Major red flag that she was so obsessed with giving the parents gifts for dinners. Ridiculous! So obsessed that she decided to buy the gifts on your behalf.

There is nothing wrong with going to difficult financial times. And you were smart not to try to impress the parents. The word "impress" is a terrible word--a red flag. You don't want to date a woman who wants you to impress her parents--or tap dance in front of them. If there are parents in the picture, you want parents who will build you up and encourage you and show an interest in you. 

So really you dodged a bullet here. This woman is not for you. Impress her parents? Totally absurd. Why are you even taking that game seriously?

 

[d0nnivain]

3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Major red flag that she was so obsessed with giving the parents gifts for dinners. Ridiculous! So obsessed that she decided to buy the gifts on your behalf

That is the OP's phrasing . . . buying gifts for the parents.  I got the sense that he never learned the social convention of not showing up to somebody else's house empty handed.  Especially when wine was mentioned, I got the sense it was less about the "gift" than the etiquette.   Some of my perception is coupled with the fact that the OP did not have a suit to wear to the wedding.  There may be some socioeconomic differences here.  The GF may be a tad spoiled since the parents pay her rent etc while she's in school but I didn't see the "gift" thing as a red flag. 

[assertives]

I think the "impressing" the parents part is more like making a good impression. In some cultures, it is common to want your parents have a good impression on your partner and give their blessings so to speak. Also, I kinda get why she's in a hurry to marry before entering residency. Once she graduates med school and if she enters a residency, it's all jammed packed with deadlines, assignments, exams, clinical rotations, night calls, etc etc. She will have even less time and energy for herself and family. Family planning is also tricky because being away, taking maternity leave will affect her training, rotations and exiting.

Alot end up putting off family planning till it's too late to have kids. Residency, depending on speciality takes up about at least 5 or 6 years. So, no, she doesn't really have alot of time.

Ultimately, I think you guys are not compatible and it's also probably wrong timing. It sounds like she's dating with some intention and step by step plan which to be honest, that's kinda the personality that alot of doctors or those in medical fields are like. It's not easy to be the partner of a doctor or those working in the front lines. There's alot of planning, sacrifice and working around their schedule for everything outside of their work. Don't blame yourself too much. You guys are just not a good match for each other and that's ok.

[BrokenHeart883]

12 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Major red flag that she was so obsessed with giving the parents gifts for dinners. Ridiculous! So obsessed that she decided to buy the gifts on your behalf.

There is nothing wrong with going to difficult financial times. And you were smart not to try to impress the parents. The word "impress" is a terrible word--a red flag. You don't want to date a woman who wants you to impress her parents--or tap dance in front of them. If there are parents in the picture, you want parents who will build you up and encourage you and show an interest in you. 

So really you dodged a bullet here. This woman is not for you. Impress her parents? Totally absurd. Why are you even taking that game seriously?

 

 

9 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

That is the OP's phrasing . . . buying gifts for the parents.  I got the sense that he never learned the social convention of not showing up to somebody else's house empty handed.  Especially when wine was mentioned, I got the sense it was less about the "gift" than the etiquette.   Some of my perception is coupled with the fact that the OP did not have a suit to wear to the wedding.  There may be some socioeconomic differences here.  The GF may be a tad spoiled since the parents pay her rent etc while she's in school but I didn't see the "gift" thing as a red flag. 

 

2 hours ago, assertives said:

I think the "impressing" the parents part is more like making a good impression. In some cultures, it is common to want your parents have a good impression on your partner and give their blessings so to speak. Also, I kinda get why she's in a hurry to marry before entering residency. Once she graduates med school and if she enters a residency, it's all jammed packed with deadlines, assignments, exams, clinical rotations, night calls, etc etc. She will have even less time and energy for herself and family. Family planning is also tricky because being away, taking maternity leave will affect her training, rotations and exiting.

Alot end up putting off family planning till it's too late to have kids. Residency, depending on speciality takes up about at least 5 or 6 years. So, no, she doesn't really have alot of time.

Ultimately, I think you guys are not compatible and it's also probably wrong timing. It sounds like she's dating with some intention and step by step plan which to be honest, that's kinda the personality that alot of doctors or those in medical fields are like. It's not easy to be the partner of a doctor or those working in the front lines. There's alot of planning, sacrifice and working around their schedule for everything outside of their work. Don't blame yourself too much. You guys are just not a good match for each other and that's ok.

So the thing was she wanted me to make a good impression on her parents which I was okay with, I did bring chocolates when coming to dinner the first time. I did not really have an issue with this, but it was more the fact I needed to buy expensive wines that got to me. Why couldn't I just bring a food item? nobody else was bringing expensive bottles of wine...I always helped to clean up to, etc. Her brother's finance never brought anything iirc lol.

Her dad had some issue with me, because he would always check if she used the tolls to come visit me and question why she spent the night at my place. He also asked her if she shared a bed with me, and I think this was rather inappropriate. He did not like that I slept with his daughter. Even just going thru her finances, he only did that to find "dirt" on me I feel. And it's just like, I have never done anything wrong to her parents, I always said hi and tried making small talk and her father just didn't really care much for me and I think I just began resenting the fact I had something to prove to someone I did nothing wrong to. I took my ex on dates, but she said she wanted me to plan one where I showed her parents that I took her on dates. So I picked her up when she was visiting her parents and took her on a date and got her a plushie, and I genuinely enjoyed that moment with my gf, but it just felt strange my gf's parents didnt trust the fact I took her out when she wasn't home. I hear other people's relationships and I usually hear the other sides parents trying to make small talk and forming a relationship with their child's partner, I didn't feel that way with my gf's dad.

 

As for finances, my gf did contribute but I also had unemployed plus emergency funds. The split was like 40 percent me, 60 her. That shifted to 60/70 perecent me once I did get a job and began working towards the end of the relationship - I also took her out to something really nice as a thank you for being supportive.

 

As for the suit... I had a few old ones that I outgrew because my body dimensions change - my upper torso got a lot more muscular. I think it just ties into the resentment I felt with her family...I again had to go make effort and spend money to attend her family's wedding. Her brother, who was getting married didn't even bother to shake my hand or wouldnt say hi/bye to me when we were in person...it really irked me. Again, what did I do wrong? I just kept feeling like I had to impress people who just found reasons to smear me. I would tell my ex that I feel her family doesnt like me, but she would just reply and say that they do if they always invite me to places. Maybe just with the suit, and the questions of her family not liking me, maybe I just wanted to feel my gf stand up me for a bit and have confidence in me. She even asked me once if I was using her, and that just cut so deep... I put a lot of effort to make things work and to adjust to her schedule, and I worked with her thru some trauma she had in the past and to just be asked if I am using you? It hurts a lot. I should have communicated with her more, and not get angry at her for having to get a suit... i should have been introspective at the time and bring up why i feel the way I do.

 

AS for why I am here posting, I am really bad with letting go. Despite writing things out that I know were wrong, I keep thinking my ex was perfect, the best thing ever, the most beautiful etc and my brain just hurts me. I feel I'll never find someone as good, etc, I just feel really messed up right now. I do intend to go to therapy, both to heal and grow, but I guess I am just looking for help moving on and accepting what happened.

Edited September 26, 2023 by BrokenHeart883

[SurfCity]

4 hours ago, BrokenHeart883 said:

I think it just ties into the resentment I felt with her family...I again had to go make effort and spend money to attend her family's wedding.

I really don't understand why you're resentful about having to rent or buy a suit to wear to a wedding. That's standard. It sounds like she was worried that you might show up in jeans and a t-shirt and by the way you're talking, she was right to worry. 

Then she has to tell you to bring something (wine/flowers/dessert) when you're invited to dinner. Again that's standard and not just for the first time, literally everytime you should bring something.

It sounds like the whole family was giving you the cold shoulder, but can you really blame them? All they see is a man who's been unemployed for almost a year who's accepting home cooked dinners from them and being stingy about contributing a bottle of wine or flowers. They see their daughter helping you financially. They see you getting overwhelmed by the marriage talk and making plans for the future which makes it look like you have one foot out of the door and are just staying with her for the money.  

If doesn't look like you two were compatible at all and most parents would've been very worried. But, you have a job now and you're in a good position to date, so try to put this out of your mind and look for someone who shares the same values as you. 

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, BrokenHeart883 said:

Why couldn't I just bring a food item?

Men typically don't bring food items when invited to someone's home for dinner.  They bring wine.  Flowers for the hostess is nice also.

[Wiseman2]

Do you feel her family is stuck up or her father scrutinized you because he thought you were "from the wrong side of the tracks"? If this is the case then you're incompatible and there's nothing you can do. 

[BrokenHeart883]

30 minutes ago, SurfCity said:

I really don't understand why you're resentful about having to rent or buy a suit to wear to a wedding. That's standard. It sounds like she was worried that you might show up in jeans and a t-shirt and by the way you're talking, she was right to worry. 

Then she has to tell you to bring something (wine/flowers/dessert) when you're invited to dinner. Again that's standard and not just for the first time, literally everytime you should bring something.

It sounds like the whole family was giving you the cold shoulder, but can you really blame them? All they see is a man who's been unemployed for almost a year who's accepting home cooked dinners from them and being stingy about contributing a bottle of wine or flowers. They see their daughter helping you financially. They see you getting overwhelmed by the marriage talk and making plans for the future which makes it look like you have one foot out of the door and are just staying with her for the money.  

If doesn't look like you two were compatible at all and most parents would've been very worried. But, you have a job now and you're in a good position to date, so try to put this out of your mind and look for someone who shares the same values as you. 

Why would I wear jeans and a T shirt to a wedding...? 

Secondly I was aware I needed to bring something, so I brought what my gf at the time told me to - I generally asked her what I should bring to confirm. She had four brothers, two liked me and engaged in convo with me often, and have invited me to stuff. One was indifferent and the other seemed to just not care much about me despite trying to make any small talk...always avoided me, etc. 

 

When I was going over, or hanging out with my gf at the time I always asked her if she wanted me to join her family for church on Sunday(they are religious). I also offered to swing by her parents house if she wanted to do a small lunch so they could get to know me. She said it was fine, etc too much work and kept shrugging it off. When I found out her dad went thru her finances looking for reasons to dislike me, my gf disclosed to them that I kept asking to go to church with them, etc. They thought that I didn't like them.

 

I wanted to bring something else than wine because, they had tons of it. It was also expensive, to be quite frank, but I felt it would be maybe beneficial to try and bring something they don't have..but my gf said wine so I brought wine. I never made a scene about bringing wine to them. 

 

EDIT: As for why I said my ex's parents like to get gifts - I have met some families who are more casual about it and don't care, tho they're mostly friends. My gf's parents were more formal so I treated them as such.

Edited September 26, 2023 by BrokenHeart883

[BrokenHeart883]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you feel her family is stuck up or her father scrutinized you because he thought you were "from the wrong side of the tracks"? If this is the case then you're incompatible and there's nothing you can do. 

I don't think stuck up, but he made it a point very early on he did not enjoy the fact that I slept with his daughter. I believe he wanted her to wait until marriage, from what I kinda got the gist of. I never told him that... he just kept asking my girlfriend at the time if we were doing things and she said yes. He asked like two months in. I wished my gf lied about that honestly.... 

Edited September 26, 2023 by BrokenHeart883

[d0nnivain]

@BrokenHeart883

 

Thanks for clarifying.   You were socially correct.  You brought chocolates.   The fact that she pressured you to bring more expensive things became the problem.  It really is supposed to be the thought that counts but in that family it seems like the only thing that counts is the amount.  

Daddy tracking her finances & tolls so closely as to determine that you two had sleepovers is creepy, overbearing & unacceptable.  

When you look at it from that perspective, you really have to forgive yourself.  This breakup was not ALL your fault. This family is all about $$.  There is little integrity here.  You may have dodged a bullet

[BrokenHeart883]

13 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

@BrokenHeart883

 

Thanks for clarifying.   You were socially correct.  You brought chocolates.   The fact that she pressured you to bring more expensive things became the problem.  It really is supposed to be the thought that counts but in that family it seems like the only thing that counts is the amount.  

Daddy tracking her finances & tolls so closely as to determine that you two had sleepovers is creepy, overbearing & unacceptable.  

When you look at it from that perspective, you really have to forgive yourself.  This breakup was not ALL your fault. This family is all about $$.  There is little integrity here.  You may have dodged a bullet

When she paid for the wine it was her that offered. I always asked "hey do I need to bring something? I don't want to look bad" or "what do you guys need". We were hanging out all day that day and she saw the price of the wine and told me she wants to cover it cause she knows it's financially hard for me at that moment. I really just took it as something kind and thoughtful, and never thought it would have been a weapon later. I also was very meticulous in the wines I got, I generally did a bit of research beforehand too. I wanted to bring other stuff cause they had a quite stoked alcohol cabinet as is and it felt redundant to gift someone something they have tons of. It also would have been cheaper, which at the time would have been nice.

 

That is why the suit really irked me... I have done nothing wrong, yet her father was trying to find dirt on me and the brother getting married who didn't even have the basic respect to shake my hand when I tried to. It felt like I was investing into these people who didnt even like me. It bothered me a lot. Before all this.. I was actually very excited to be her date. I kinda just.. began resenting her family a little. Her other brothers were nice.

[BrokenHeart883]

In my head I just replay scenarios where I wasn't upset or angry and I realize if I controlled my emotions better this probably would have ended. I honestly cannot stop blaming myself for what happened. I feel it maintained less passive aggressiveness and was more open maybe this wouldn't have happened.

[ExpatInItaly]

Are you sure it's even true that he dad looked through her finances and said those things about you? 

Part of me wonders if it was really your girlfriend herself who had a problem with your financial status but she hid that behind her dad's supposed remarks. 

[SurfCity]

13 hours ago, BrokenHeart883 said:

Why would I wear jeans and a T shirt to a wedding...? 

So why were you resentful about buying a suit? You didn't have one so you needed to get one. I really don't understand why it's her fault or her family's fault that you needed to get a suit to wear to the wedding. The suit was for you not something that you were doing for her brother. 

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Secondly I was aware I needed to bring something, so I brought what my gf at the time told me to - I generally asked her what I should bring to confirm.

This is different than what you posted before so it's hard to know what the truth is. You said that you didn't like that you had to bring gifts to her parents and thought that bringing flowers meant that you were apologizing. Now, you're saying that you knew that they were formal and it was expected to bring something. 

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She had four brothers, two liked me and engaged in convo with me often, and have invited me to stuff. One was indifferent and the other seemed to just not care much about me despite trying to make any small talk...always avoided me, etc.

When parents only have one daughter and many sons it makes them extra protective of their one daughter. Although, in this case, there was good reason to be worried about this relationship and their daughter. 

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When I found out her dad went thru her finances looking for reasons to dislike me, my gf disclosed to them that I kept asking to go to church with them, etc. They thought that I didn't like them.

I'm not sure that it's fair to think that he went through her finances to look for reasons to dislike you, he probably looked to try to protect his daughter because it looked like you were taking advantage of her.

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I wanted to bring something else than wine because, they had tons of it. It was also expensive, to be quite frank, but I felt it would be maybe beneficial to try and bring something they don't have..but my gf said wine so I brought wine. I never made a scene about bringing wine to them. 

But she probably told them. She seems close with her parents so even though you tried to hide it, they saw that you were being stingy/cheap after their daughter spent so much money on you for almost a year when you were unemployed. She was generous with you, but you tried to wiggle your way out of being generous with her/her family.

Did your parents ever invite her to their house for your family dinners? Ever invite her to church with them? Why didn't you turn to your mom or dad for financial help instead of your new gf? You have to admit that any father of a daughter would be very worried with the way that things went during this relationship. 

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In my head I just replay scenarios where I wasn't upset or angry and I realize if I controlled my emotions better this probably would have ended. I honestly cannot stop blaming myself for what happened. I feel it maintained less passive aggressiveness and was more open maybe this wouldn't have happened.

It's understandable that you're sad about the relationship ending and mad at yourself for the mistakes that you made, but it doesn't make sense to blame her for changing her mind about living together before marriage or to blame her father for finding out exactly how much money she had spent on you. You're trying to blame her or her family for the fact that you had to buy/rent a suit for a wedding. It just looks like you're doing anything possible to point the finger at anyone but yourself. 

You have to accept responsibility for the mistakes that you made without trying to blame her or her parents at the same time. That's the only way to grow and develop. Just accept that mistakes were made, try not repeat them, and try to stay positive. You'll find someone who you're more compatible with and who you won't feel so resentful towards over small things. 

 

Edited September 27, 2023 by SurfCity