A guy. is it my fault?

[natty15z]

So this guy and I have been living in close proximity for about 2 years. We see each other in passing every now and then and exchange greetings. One day he asks me for my number, and I was very upfront about not wanting a relationship because I'm unfit, and that we can see if we can build a friendship.  

He agreed and we exchanged numbers. 

We spoke via text (not a phone caller type of person) for around a week straight...during that time he asked me to be in a relationship numerous times, in which I declined each time. 

I explained to him that we're strangers who have exchanged greetings a few times, and asked him why he wants to rush.. he never answered that question. 

When we first started communicating via telephone, he told me that he liked me a lot and that he wanted to be there for me and support me in any way that he could.  That he liked talking to me and wanted to continue. 

The last time I told him no, and asked him what's wrong with being friends... was 3 days ago. 

I'm assuming that he got mad and blocked me or is ignoring me..since he never replied.

Was he genuinely interested and just felt defeated  because perhaps he had worked up a lot of gumption to finally ask someone out that he really liked and is now disappointed and deflated? 

Or is he just a desperately eager and lonely person with low self esteem who doesn't know his worth just willing to settle for anyone??

(He did say that he is single, lives alone,  lonely, and has nobody)

Or was he just trying to use me to make someone else jealous enough to come back to him and be with him? 

Perhaps the one who he really wants has somebody now, and he decided to get someone too? Maybe it's a tit for tat thing with them?? Maybe playing games.

Perhaps he saw me as a downtrodden spinster eager desperate and easy to manipulate??

(He did ask me for a picture of myself)

We're those red flags, or did he just genuinely see me as a nice person and wanted to lock in before anyone else did???

I really feel hurt sad  and depressed now.  I really did grow fond of him and developed a crush on him over the years...and I always hoped he would  befriend me...

I am crushed, and keep constantly checking my phone hoping that he'd reach out to me...

Should I ignore him now if I see him in passing,  or just wave and don't stop??

[basil67]

You knew him for two years, so you should have a far better idea of his motive in chasing you than we would have. 

What I really don't understand is why you are hurt, sad, depressed and crushed.  You made it very, very clear that didn't want him, so why not wish him well in his journey in finding someone who does love him?

 

Edited September 25, 2023 by basil67

[natty15z]

Exchanging greetings and salutations in passing sometimes, is not knowing anything about him. 

We've never even known each others names until recently. 

I am sad because he presented someone that he clearly isn't and had no intentions of ever being...which is a friend. 

I am sad because I had hope and optimism.

I am sad that because I did like him.

I am sad that he decided to ghost me, instead of being direct.

 

 

I am sad because  he lied and I guess his intentions were to use me.

Before I gave him my number, I was very open and honest about only wanting friendship.  He agreed and said that it didn't matter.. that he just wanted to get to know me, that he wanted to be friends and like meeting and conversing with new people..that we as neighbors can and should be friendly. 

That it's not often that he meets people that seem genuinely nice and kind.

 

That we can build a friendship and be a possible support to and for one another. That if I ever had any problems or needed anything or wanted to talk..he would provide that to me.

 

 

I am saddened because I'm human and I as part of the human animal species and kingdom has feelings and emotions. 

 

 

Anyone who is optimistic and hopefully about anything, only to be crushed and lose that optimism and hope...

 

 

If they have any feelings at all about anything would be disappointed and hurt.

 

I did nothing to lead this guy on. He lead me on..if anything. 

 

 

It will take some time moving on...

[glows]

It may be any of the above assumptions. OP, by close proximity I understood this to mean you walked by one another and were cordial with basic greetings and were not friendly past that point in any way. Then some time last week or a few weeks ago he asked for your number. When exactly did you both begin communicating via phone texting? 

I’m also curious where did you meet in “close proximity”? Is this work? School? Church?

Correct me if I’m wrong but he’s a total stranger and I’m puzzled why you care that much whether he’s a friend or not. At no point was he a friend to you. He was always interested in dating. When you insisted you were not interested he backed off and has moved onto someone else as most reasonable people would. 

This guy was never interested in being your friend. 

I get you’re disappointed but I think you’re also blowing this out of proportion considering how he was not much of a friend for very long nor did he lead you on. Do you have other friends? Why was there so much emphasis/hope on this guy being a friend?

[stillafool]

I think this guy was interested in using you in some way.  No one asks a person to be in a relationship without going out first.  It seems he'd take you out and date you before asking for a relationship.   He knows nothing about you.  I agree with Glows, why were you so keen to be his friend when you know nothing about him and have no desire to date him.'

[d0nnivain]

Why do you think you are "unfit" to be in a relationship?   

Over time he grew fond of you.  He wasn't using you.  You have a negative opinion of yourself & others.  You are highly suspicious.  You friend-zoned this guy but he didn't really get the message.  Some men think that if they hang around long enough as teh friend that the other person will suddenly come to realize they have feelings.  It's misguided but common.  He may be a bit of a lonely incel but seems harmless enough. If you don't see him in a romantic way, that is fine.  You don't have to date but it's not accurate to ascribe nasty motives to him.   He didn't lie or use you.  He never set out to intentionally hurt you just like you didn't set out to intentionally hurt him when you rejected his offer of romance.  

You still live hear him so do be gracious when you see him in common areas.  But back off the "friendship."  he wants more than you are willing to give so it's cruel to be kind.  

[burntouted]

The both of you were wrong and lead each other on. Gave each other false hope.

You set boundaries that he refused to accept.  The first time that he did not respect your choice and boundaries,  you should have removed yourself from the situation.  

You both gave each other mixed signals. 

You for continuing to talk to him..

Him for giving you falsehoods about understanding that you only wanted to build a friendship and agreeing to those terms, when clearly it wasn't what he wanted. 

Neither one of you should have exchanged numbers. 

You were up front about things.

Unfortunately unless he was genuine but just is socially awkward or perhaps has something that delays and makes him not socially appropriately aware...

He was planning to use you and didn't genuinely like you.

He had ill intentions...what those intentions were....don't subject yourself to finding out.  

Anyone who isn't delayed approaching someone  a stranger speaking of their loneliness and eagerness for a relationship  doesn't like you. They only want a title and companionship and willing to settle for anyone.

You dodged a bullet. 

He may have some underlying issues including an anger problem,  abusive nature, and control issues..

You also exhibited red flags. If you don't want a relationship,  don't intentionally pursue someone you know does. 

Learn and know your worth.

Leave him alone and move on.

If you see him in passing wave or ignore...either way keep it moving..don't offer any conversation..

If you do..you'll get sucked in..again. 

If you are seeking platonic friendships go out and mingle..

[stillafool]

Most men (and women for that matter) who want to date someone do not want to be friend zoned.  This guy was within his rights to discontinue contact, ghost or go NC once he found out you were not interested in what he wanted, which was to date.   To stay in contact would be a recipe for frustration for him.

[basil67]

9 hours ago, natty15z said:

I am sad because he presented someone that he clearly isn't and had no intentions of ever being...which is a friend. 

I am sad because I had hope and optimism.

I am sad that because I did like him.

I am sad that he decided to ghost me, instead of being direct.

 

I agree that you've blown this out of proportion.  He hoped to date you.  You made it clear that you just want friends.  He didn't want to be just friends.  Therefore, him moving on was a healthy decision.  And while it would have been nice for him to tell you "thanks, but that's not what I'm looking for", it's pretty clear why he moved on.   

And have you thought this "just friends" thing through anyway?   No future boyfriend of yours would want this guy hanging around you, so the friendship would probably end. No future girlfriend of his would want you there knowing all his secrets and being his support.  That's her job

I am confused about why you'd offer to be friends with a guy you've had a crush on for years.   What stopped you from saying "it's too soon for a relationship, but how about we date and see where it goes?"