Finding oneself and leaving a relationship of 11 years.

[Thierro]

Dear Loveshack,

Throughout our 11 years together, we have had our ups and downs. But we have stuck through it, until last sundaynight when my partner told me in tears she can't let go of the past and that things have build up too much to keep on going forward. 

I have dealt with severe OCD in the past. Something that was really hard on her and the relationship. We were living together for 3.5 years in a 28m2 appartment and the lack of personal space and my OCD made her realize it wasn't something she was going to deal with. Not only that, I was her first in everything. She never experienced a life without me. We were always together, because that was what we wanted and needed at the time. 

I kept living in our appartment and my partner found a house in the same city as me. Throughout the week we would meet up and do fun things together. Most weekends I came over and stayed with her from fridaynight to sundaynight. She quickly realized she was missing me a lot throughout the year we were living apart. Skipping forward, she eventually asked me to find a place together because she was ready. We have been living together since January and not even a year has passed and the relationship ends. 

But the end confuses me. We are still living under the same roof till December.  Because we can't pay the rent with just one salary. We don't have anyone to go to, because in those 11 years, we pretty much were living in a bubble, just the two of us. 

I feel like the next few weeks are an opportunity to rebuild trust and rekindle the relationship. While my partner told me she can't let me go and hold on to me at the same time, the relationship seems better than ever. We are connecting, we laugh, we still go on cute dates, we cuddle, she let me kiss her, touch her, have sex together, seems to be so excited when I open the door when I get home, we want to be in the same room together. Etc. Etc. But she is dead set on ending it to find herself. Because after all these years, she doesn't know who she is apart from me. 

So I hear two things:

1. Things in the past have build up too much and I can't forget.

2. I need to end this relationship to find myself apart from you.

I don't know where I stand at the moment and if and how this relationship is salvable.

Do you have any advice to share, so I/we can try to change our future paths?

Thank you so much for reading.

[Weezy1973]

Yes it’s a confusing spot and complicated by still having to live together. If at all possible, that’s the first thing I’d try to figure out; can you each find separate places to live. 
 

As for the relationship, I’d let her have the space she’s asked for so she can be alone for awhile and “find herself”. In the meantime, you should also live your life single and live the best life you can. Maybe date some other women. You’ve been each others whole world for so long that each of you doing your own thing is a good idea. Your relationship sounds very co-dependent. Which isn’t healthy. Asserting independence for each of you is a great idea. 

[Thierro]

On 9/25/2023 at 1:56 PM, Weezy1973 said:

Yes it’s a confusing spot and complicated by still having to live together. If at all possible, that’s the first thing I’d try to figure out; can you each find separate places to live. 
 

As for the relationship, I’d let her have the space she’s asked for so she can be alone for awhile and “find herself”. In the meantime, you should also live your life single and live the best life you can. Maybe date some other women. You’ve been each others whole world for so long that each of you doing your own thing is a good idea. Your relationship sounds very co-dependent. Which isn’t healthy. Asserting independence for each of you is a great idea. 

Thank you.

Yes, we are co-dependent. We realized that, but we didn't mind it. I didn't mind until now, because we don't have any friends to fall back to. 

I have a hard time figuring out what she is looking for. We lived apart for a year and she got all the time she needed to figure that out. Sure, I know she was still a part of the relationship during that. So she wasn't truly alone. 

She told me the thought of not having me around makes her feel nouseaus. She even told me she is taking a risk and not knowing if it's the right choice. She may be open to reconcilliation once she find herself, but isn't sure.

I want us to work through this together. I don't think I can take her back if she regrets her decision later on. It would only make me a second choice.

[Scroogepot]

We haven been together for 15 years. We have had some good years, some bad, some great ones.

Yesterday evening she told me she can't do it anymore. The last two years were great. We learned from past mistakes and really focused positively on our relationship. So her telling me she wants to move on from us came out of the blue.

She wrote me a letter explaining things:

1. The short version: I suffered from ocd. Everything around the house needed to be clean. It was bad. Couldn't invite people over. Even asked her to shower or put on clean clothes if we went somewhere public and "dirty". I understand how she must have felt during that period. We almost broke up because of it 4 years ago. I went into therapy. You could say everything has turned to normal the past years, but I still feel awful about what I made her go through.

2. I was with my partner the day's before and on the day her mother died. The next morning after her passing I had to go early, because it was my nieces 10th birthday and I -like every other year- make her a cake out of her favourite tv show at the time. I asked my mother to make the cake the day before and that I would shape and decorate it in the early morning. I brought the cake to my niece, stayed for a while and went back to my partner.

My partner felt I wasn't there for her when she needed me and that I made the cake feel more important. 

3. We have different ideas about certain things: During the pandemic, she didn't understand why I wanted to get vaccinated without knowing what was in it. "So if the government wants you to do it, you do it?". I was quite oppinionated about people not getting a vaccin. So there were quite a few arguments about her not getting one and me wanting one.

We also have had heated discussions about sunscreen: She doesn't put it on, because she feels that it's bad for the skin. After seeing her getting sunburned multiple times after a day on the beach, I told her I wasn't going to go with her again, because I didn't feel comfortable to keep seeing her get burned.

4. I was too controlling: My girlfriend is on a carnivore diet. She only eats meat three times a day. I asked her to get her blood checked out after a year on the diet. I told her i'd be fine with it if everything came back healthy. 

I scolded my partner when she fell for a "Are you tired of working a 9 to 5 job? Do you want to make thousands doing this..."-scheme where she paid 2000 euros and got nothing from it. It was about starting a business. She didn't even complete the course.

When she wanted to spend another 2000 euros on something similar, I told her I was reevaluating our relationship.

I can't change the way she feels, but I would like to think there is a way to work this out. I don't know if it's resentment or something else. I realize I should have communicated and worded things differently.

I would really like to know your opinion about this and how I/we can go forward from here on out. 

Thank you

Edited October 3, 2023 by Scroogepot

[Lisa]

@Scroogepot and @Thierro are the same member

[ExpatInItaly]

23 hours ago, Scroogepot said:

I would really like to know your opinion about this and how I/we can go forward from here on out. 

I think this relationship has run its course. 

 

[MsJayne]

Sounds like she's tired of being controlled. My advice would be to let go as it's extremely unhealthy for both of you to be so dependent on each other. If you were both happy I'd say who cares if you're co-dependent, but she's feeling suffocated, (because that's what happens when one partner insists on forcing their opinions on the other night and day), and would like to be able to breathe.