My boyfriend might still be in love with his 'ex' I feel sick.

[jessicarabb1t]

Let me start by saying my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and he has treated me with respect, love and compassion since the beginning. I've met his family and friends, and he's always made me feel secure and happy. I've had no reason to doubt him thus far.

With that out of the way...

He's said many times, that our relationship is his first time being in "mutual love." After him saying it so much, I asked why he keeps emphasizing the "mutual" part.

He told me in 2020, he had a friends with benefits situation. He grew to be madly in love with her, but she never saw him as anything more than a fling. When he confessed his feelings for her, she didn't want to continue their arrangement anymore and cut off all contact with him.

In my boyfriend's own words, this drove him into a deep depression for TWO YEARS. He was completely unhinged, mixing substances, acting recklessly. He quit his job and had plans to end his life. So in short, he completely lost his mind over this woman. He was apparently still depressed right up until he met me in 2022. 🙃

I've been heartbroken in the past as well, but I was always completely over an ex before pursuing someone new, so hearing that really hurt.

I asked if he were to randomly see her today, would there still be any feelings. His response was "to be honest, I don't know. I think a lot of memories would surface, but more than anything I'd just feel uncomfortable and anxious because of the way I behaved and want to get out of there."

I then asked, if he was single, would he be open to giving it another chance with her, and he responded that he'd be open to it because he "doesn't hate her".

He also admitted he used to compare me and her when we first started dating to see if I was worth "the risk of being heartbroken again".

My boyfriend is very emotional (and at times seems borderline obsessed over me), so it doesn't particularly shock me that he'd have the capacity to feel so deeply over someone else in the past. But, if he's still harboring feelings, then that's a different story.

I'm worried if she were to cross paths with him and show interest, he'd be gone. He longed for her for two years!! Why would he pass up the opportunity? I feel sick over the thought of this.

He assured me that he only has feelings for me, and although it took him years to get over her, he'd "never" be able to get over me if we were to end, and that I'm his future wife.

He's invited me to dinner tomorrow night, and I've just avoided his message because I feel so confused and in my head over this.

Is this worthy of a breakup? 

(I'm 28, he's 27)

[Weezy1973]

Nothing you’ve said makes me think he’s still in love with her. He was. But now he’s in love with you. 

[stillafool]

I don't think you're a rebound if  he was broken up 2 years before he met you.  Yes it does sound like he's still carrying a torch for her but still loves and is connected to you.  IMO there is nothing to break up over if you both are happy and she's no where around.  His feelings for you must be deep because it sounds like he's going to marry you.

[Gaeta]

59 minutes ago, jessicarabb1t said:

Is this worthy of a breakup?

That's all it takes for you to consider breaking up a 1 year relationship?

You asked him very indiscrete questions, he put himself in a vulnerable position by answering the truth and instead of being appreciative that he opened his gut to you, you see a threat in it. 

No, he's not still in love with her. He was simply sharing a very deep pain he experienced, and you're turning it into some type of betrayal. 

You don't go asking these types of questions randomly. You're just curious but he has to go dig into a painful past to answer you. 

[d0nnivain]

She's always going to be "the one who got away" but that doesn't mean she was the right one for him or that it diminishes his feelings for you. 

 

Listen to a country song called Unanswered Prayers by Garth Brooks.   That is kinda what is going on here.  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, jessicarabb1t said:

In my boyfriend's own words, this drove him into a deep depression for TWO YEARS. He was completely unhinged, mixing substances, acting recklessly. He quit his job and had plans to end his life. 

Sorry this is happening. How often does he talk about her and are you questioning him this much for a reason? Does he still communicate with her or see her?

Perhaps he needs to use this "obsession" as a device to build walls around himself because of underlying issues. Does he work now? Did he get help for the substance abuse and suicidal moodswings? 

The most disconcerting part of what you stated is his instability, self-destructive tendencies and other red flags. That he had a relationship that didn't work out is rather inconsequential compared to that.

Forget about a past crush. Focus on whether his mental instability is affecting the relationship. A breakup didn't necessarily cause this extreme degree of mental illness. That's only his explanation because he seems in denial about how unstable he is.

Edited September 25, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Acacia98]

3 hours ago, jessicarabb1t said:

He assured me that he only has feelings for me, and although it took him years to get over her, he'd "never" be able to get over me if we were to end, and that I'm his future wife.

I'm not sure what exactly this means, but in light of his self-destructive behavior after she broke up with him, I'd worry that he'd do something similar if things don't work out between you. And having that hanging over your head might push you to remain in the relationship even if it wasn't right for you.

Personally, I'm not concerned about your boyfriend's ex and the feelings you believe he has for her. I don't see them as a threat. But I am somewhat troubled about his mental health history. You say he can be very emotional and gets borderline obsessed with you. And there's that not so little fact of substance abuse... 

[basil67]

I agree with so much of what has been written.   I don't think he's still in love with her.  And after (what I assume) is a happy year together, why are you asking the questions?  And why would you leave based on him being both honest and vulnerable in response?

However, the biggest red flag is how his mental health suffered when that relationship ended.   I've read people saying 'nobody dies from a broken heart'.  But that's bollocks - I've known three men who've committed suicide due to a broken heart.  And my ex-h made an attempt on his life when I left.   I worry that if you and he broke up, the same would happen...but that's a whole other issue

[BaileyB]

36 minutes ago, basil67 said:

However, the biggest red flag is how his mental health suffered when that relationship ended. 

Agree, this was far more worrying to me than whether or not he would chose to be with her n the event that she ever comes around again…

Because the simple truth is, she had her chance and she chose not to be in a relationship with him. So, all this seems pretty meaningless to me considering that it’s been several years since she rejected him. 

[smackie9]

Of course the feelings are still going to be a bit raw, but he's doing his best to get past it. Over time he will get over it. I agree he's just living with the residual of the pain he went through, and that will take time. Trust me, if she ever wanted to, she would have still been with him. She doesn't want anything to do with him ever. Give the guy a break. Maybe he needs to take a good look at why he gets so obsessed. Maybe he could use some good therapy to work on that behavior issue. 

[ExpatInItaly]

What prompted you to ask these questions a year into your relationship, OP? 

[Ami1uwant]

On 9/25/2023 at 2:47 PM, jessicarabb1t said:

Let me start by saying my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and he has treated me with respect, love and compassion since the beginning. I've met his family and friends, and he's always made me feel secure and happy. I've had no reason to doubt him thus far.

With that out of the way...

He's said many times, that our relationship is his first time being in "mutual love." After him saying it so much, I asked why he keeps emphasizing the "mutual" part.

He told me in 2020, he had a friends with benefits situation. He grew to be madly in love with her, but she never saw him as anything more than a fling. When he confessed his feelings for her, she didn't want to continue their arrangement anymore and cut off all contact with him.

In my boyfriend's own words, this drove him into a deep depression for TWO YEARS. He was completely unhinged, mixing substances, acting recklessly. He quit his job and had plans to end his life. So in short, he completely lost his mind over this woman. He was apparently still depressed right up until he met me in 2022. 🙃

I've been heartbroken in the past as well, but I was always completely over an ex before pursuing someone new, so hearing that really hurt.

I asked if he were to randomly see her today, would there still be any feelings. His response was "to be honest, I don't know. I think a lot of memories would surface, but more than anything I'd just feel uncomfortable and anxious because of the way I behaved and want to get out of there."

I then asked, if he was single, would he be open to giving it another chance with her, and he responded that he'd be open to it because he "doesn't hate her".

He also admitted he used to compare me and her when we first started dating to see if I was worth "the risk of being heartbroken again".

My boyfriend is very emotional (and at times seems borderline obsessed over me), so it doesn't particularly shock me that he'd have the capacity to feel so deeply over someone else in the past. But, if he's still harboring feelings, then that's a different story.

I'm worried if she were to cross paths with him and show interest, he'd be gone. He longed for her for two years!! Why would he pass up the opportunity? I feel sick over the thought of this.

He assured me that he only has feelings for me, and although it took him years to get over her, he'd "never" be able to get over me if we were to end, and that I'm his future wife.

He's invited me to dinner tomorrow night, and I've just avoided his message because I feel so confused and in my head over this.

Is this worthy of a breakup? 

(I'm 28, he's 27)

If you want open and honesty in relationship then this is the risk.

 

thr idea she will somehow come and take him is silly. It sounds like this was a too quick of a thing that fell apart just as quickly….candle burned at both ends.