She mentions race alot

[Savvy2001]

Okay so on Saturday my gf and I went to one of my best friends (he’s a guy) sisters wedding cause he invited us. My gf has met my friends before but only for a few minutes after going to a few movies together. My friends like her a lot and are happy that I’m happy. 
After the wedding my friends wanted to go out for lunch so we went with them, we all conversed with each other and made each other laugh so I assumed it was a good time. As we were driving back to my house I asked her how she felt about my friends. She said she liked them but also added on “They very white.”  None of them are white. They’re all Hispanic so I was confused like what did she mean by that? So I asked her and she said “I just didn’t get some of their jokes but it’s fine.”  
The main jokes they made were just about memes and stuff like that which she would add onto by bringing up another meme that correlated to the other one so again I was confused and was gonna ask again what she meant but she just turned up the music and dropped it. It honestly kinda made me uncomfortable her saying that cause they’re my friends and she knows how much they mean to me. After hearing her saying that I stared to realize just how much she mentions race when she’s with me. My whole family and I are white while she’s half Mexican and asian plus she was born and raised in Juarez. 
She’s made comments about me being white quite a lot honestly especially when I’m helping my parents make dinner. There was one time where we were cooking rice,  she had given a look of confusion and a bit of disgust and had said “You guys don’t wash your rice?” I looked at her and said “No, we’ve never done that before, why?”  She responded by saying “I forgot, you guys are white.” And I just kinda nodded and didn’t say anything. Honestly her saying that kinda makes me feel bad that I’m white. Like it’s wrong. But I can’t exactly change that so I don’t know why she keeps telling me that I’m White like it’s a bad thing. I have a best friend who’s Mexican as well and she nor her brother have ever said anything like that to me without me knowing their joking. Hell I’ll even make little jokes about it too. But with my gf you can’t tell if she’s joking or not. She has a very neutral tone to her same goes for her facial expressions. She’s also comes off as very judgy too. 
I don’t know if she just doesn’t understand that what she’s saying is rude or not but even then like who says that? Especially about their partners family and their close friends? It’s just plain rude and disrespectful, even more so because my family loves her and so do my friends. I know I should talk to her about it but I just don’t want her to say she’ll stop making those comments but then not actually do it. I don’t want to be with someone who’s constantly mentioning my race and is making feel like it’s a bad thing. 

Edited September 26, 2023 by Savvy2001

[d0nnivain]

It sounds like she has an inferiority complex.  She mentions white because she's self conscious that she is not white .  She views people who seem less ethnic than her has being more desirable & having an advantage she perceives herself as lacking. She's not joking.  She's scared & insecure.  I don't know that you can talk to her about it without making her feel worse & more self conscious.  

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Savvy2001 said:

  She responded by saying “I forgot, you guys are white.”  I don’t want to be with someone who’s constantly mentioning my race and is making feel like it’s a bad thing. 

How long have you been together? How old is she? What is the status of your relationship? Are you just dating? Live together?

Have you mentioned that her remarks are rude? She must realize her snarky remarks are hurtful, no?

Unfortunately you seem incompatible and she doesn't seem acclimated or open minded to different cultures if she needs to remark about everything through the lens of cultural differences.

[stillafool]

She sounds like a racist to me.  She seems to be putting white people by the comment she made about the rice and the way you use humor.  I would tell her straight out not to make anymore comments about your race to you, your family or your friends.  If she does it again after that break up with her.

[Gaeta]

I don't know if I am reading this wrong but...I am not seeing any racism here, just a woman who has a sense of humor you don't get. Why do you get offended she tells you you're white with white habits? She's right, you ARE white therefore have white habits. No?

I am white, my bf if black, we make white/black jokes all the time and yes, even when with my family and especially around food. I cannot eat spicy food and he'll throw a 'of course you white'. I think it's funny! Or when we're at a party  100% chances he'll throw something about us 'white' not knowing how to dance. 

If you are going to date outside your culture you got to be open minded a little and not take offense at every corner. It's  humor. 

[Savvy2001]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been together? How old is she? What is the status of your relationship? Are you just dating? Live together?

Have you mentioned that her remarks are rude? She must realize her snarky remarks are hurtful, no?

Unfortunately you seem incompatible and she doesn't seem acclimated or open minded to different cultures if she needs to remark about everything through the lens of cultural differences.

We’ve been together for a year and 5 months now and She’s 21 while I’m 22. We don’t live together, she lives in Juarez and drives over to my house to see me. I haven’t told her how I felt about her remarks yet cause I wanted to see what other people would think about it. I told my mom and my best friend plus her brother about it and they all agree that it’s definitely flat out rude and disrespectful. I’ve never made any kind of remarks to her being Mexican or Asian so I just don’t get why she would make them about me, my family, and my close friends. 

[Savvy2001]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I don't know if I am reading this wrong but...I am not seeing any racism here, just a woman who has a sense of humor you don't get. Why do you get offended she tells you you're white with white habits? She's right, you ARE white therefore have white habits. No?

I am white, my bf if black, we make white/black jokes all the time and yes, even when with my family and especially around food. I cannot eat spicy food and he'll throw a 'of course you white'. I think it's funny! Or when we're at a party  100% chances he'll throw something about us 'white' not knowing how to dance. 

If you are going to date outside your culture you got to be open minded a little and not take offense at every corner. It's  humor. 

Because she brings it up so much??? And by her tone you can tell she isn’t joking and is just judging. She said it about my friends too and they’re not even white. I’m literally the only white person in our friend group. I don’t tell her “Oh you’re so Mexican.” Or “You’re so Asian.”  Why the hell would I say that when I’ve been dating her for almost 1 year and a half and know that she’s Asian and Mexican?? I wouldn’t. 

[Savvy2001]

10 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

It sounds like she has an inferiority complex.  She mentions white because she's self conscious that she is not white .  She views people who seem less ethnic than her has being more desirable & having an advantage she perceives herself as lacking. She's not joking.  She's scared & insecure.  I don't know that you can talk to her about it without making her feel worse & more self conscious.  

I love her but I don’t want to be with someone who’s constantly making me feel bad that I’m white. It’s not something I can change. I have no idea how I’m going to talk to her about it honestly. She does have a lot of self esteem issues as well as she needs reassurance a lot from me that I’m not getting bored with her or anything like that which I’m not. I’m just kinda get annoyed at her comments. My friends mean a lot to me and they like her too so it just hurts that she’s saying those things you know? I don’t know if it’s because of how she was raised or not but even then it’s still rude to say that in general. 

[Gaeta]

29 minutes ago, Savvy2001 said:

I don’t tell her “Oh you’re so Mexican.” Or “You’re so Asian.”  Why the hell would I say that when I’ve been dating her for almost 1 year and a half and know that she’s Asian and Mexican??

Give it a try!! turn the joke on her and see how she likes it! 

I think you and her simply don't have the same sense of humor, YES some people's humor is about having a straight face! Savvy, you sound uptight, really. 

You also worry way too much about your friends!! They are adults and can defend themselves and they certainly can handle a girl with a wicket sense of humor. Same with your family, they have seen this side of her and you say they love her so...this is a 'you' problem I think. 

Edited September 26, 2023 by Gaeta

[Savvy2001]

22 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Give it a try!! turn the joke on her and see how she likes it! 

I think you and her simply don't have the same sense of humor, YES some people's humor is about having a straight face! Savvy, you sound uptight, really. 

You also worry way too much about your friends!! They are adults and can defend themselves and they certainly can handle a girl with a wicket sense of humor. Same with your family, they have seen this side of her and you say they love her so...this is a 'you' problem I think. 

Turn the joke on her?? How can I do that without sounding racist? Considering I’ve never said anything like that to my best friends before I don’t feel comfortable doing that. And the thing is she made those comments when we’re away from my friends. She didn’t say them to their faces. Same with my parents. My parents didn’t know she said those things until I told them. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Savvy2001 said:

We’ve been together for a year and 5 months now and She’s 21 while I’m 22. We don’t live together, she lives in Juarez and drives over to my house to see me. I haven’t told her how I felt about her remarks yet cause I wanted to see what other people would think about it

How did you meet? Is she a Mexican citizen and you're a US citizen? How often do you see each other? Have you ever visited her in her area? Met her people? Are you both bilingual? 

There definitely seems to be a cultural clash. Try to speak openly and honestly about it. Simply tell her, her remarks about "white people" are confusing and a bit insulting.

Agree that fighting fire with fire isn't a solution nor is educating her on racism in general. Keep to the specific point that the "white people" jokes/remarks aren't that funny.  It's unclear how cooking rice is about race when it's really cultural thing about different cuisines. 

[Savvy2001]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How did you meet? Is she a Mexican citizen and you're a US citizen? How often do you see each other? Have you ever visited her in her area? Met her people? Are you both bilingual? 

There definitely seems to be a cultural clash. Try to speak openly and honestly about it. Simply tell her, her remarks about "white people" are confusing and a bit insulting.

Agree that fighting fire with fire isn't a solution nor is educating her on racism in general. Keep to the specific point that the "white people" jokes/remarks aren't that funny.  It's unclear how cooking rice is about race when it's really cultural thing about different cuisines. 

We met through a dating App, we see each other every week or so on Wednesdays and fridays, considering she has classes some days and needs to focus on that as well we both work too. I’ve never been to Juárez mainly because she doesn’t want me to go there and neither do my parents. She doesn’t want me to not go to Mexico in general just Juárez cause of what’s been going on over there recently. I don’t know any Spanish but I can figure out some words and sentences sometimes. 

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Savvy2001 said:

W She doesn’t want me to not go to Mexico in general just Juárez cause of what’s been going on over there recently. I don’t know any Spanish but I can figure out some words and sentences sometimes. 

There seems to be too many logistical and cultural differences. Especially if you two are citizens of different countries and you don't speak her language and have never visited her and her people in her area. While it may work as far as 20 weeks dating, if her city is too dangerous for you to visit how is this relationship going to go anywhere with all the significant barriers? 

So add language barrier and cultural barriers to the list of incompatibilities. But do mention that the "white people" comments are confusing/rude to you. 

[Savvy2001]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

There seems to be too many logistical and cultural differences. Especially if you two are citizens of different countries and you don't speak her language and have never visited her and her people in her area. While it may work as far as 20 weeks dating, if her city is too dangerous for you to visit how is this relationship going to go anywhere with all the significant barriers? 

So add language barrier and cultural barriers to the list of incompatibilities. But do mention that the "white people" comments are confusing/rude to you. 

Well she does actually want to move to LA and wants me to go with her which I told her I would cause I love LA as well ever since we went there in June for a concert. She also used to live in LA too. 

[MsJayne]

This is something that I personally find extremely offensive. Mainly because of the hypocrisy, because if you reversed it and it was a white caucasian person making rude observations of ethnic culture it would be the crime of the century. Any derogatory racism-based remarks are just a display of ignorance no matter the background of the person making the remarks. It sounds like she's got some inferiority thing going on and mentioning 'whiteness' is her way of making herself feel a little taller, but no matter the reason it's just not acceptable. Maybe just ask her if she thinks it's OK for white people to make racist comments about Mexicans, and when she says no, take it from there. 

[Savvy2001]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been together? How old is she? What is the status of your relationship? Are you just dating? Live together?

Have you mentioned that her remarks are rude? She must realize her snarky remarks are hurtful, no?

Unfortunately you seem incompatible and she doesn't seem acclimated or open minded to different cultures if she needs to remark about everything through the lens of cultural differences.

She also told me “You’re so white” during the reception party just because I knew the lyrics to a specific song yet she knew all of the songs and dance that they played like “Cotton eyed Joe”, “Cupid shuffle” and another line dancing song. So I just don’t get it. And when she said that I told her that I knew it because of my best friends mom, she loves that song and always has us sing along to it. She just nodded and looked away. 

[stillafool]

Okay, I don't know why you love this girl.  I'm black and if a different race man kept telling me and my friends and relatives that "you're so black" there would be a problem.  She is constantly insulting you and your race.  Put her in her place.

[Savvy2001]

Why does she have to point them out though? That’s what’s making me uncomfortable. I don’t point out any stereotypes o about her race so why is she doing it to me?? 

Edited September 27, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[CJRM]

Hi, I was born in the States, and my family is from mexico veracruz, and to be honest, growing up seeing my family wash their rice, it is kind of awkward or stang not to wash your rice, but it's also not something to be raced about, the guy above me is probably right, by reading between the lines she might feel inferior, and might feel unsafe, insecure.. Anyway I say that to also say, and it might not even know if it matters great if not i'm not sure, but I personally don't feel inferior to white people or any other race, I think all of that stems from ignorance. Hope this helps, since I am a chicano, born here in the States, but parents from mexico, and also come from the south as your girlfriend. Enjoy all the wife qualities by the way that she comes along with from the south. I know in the south it's more culturally influenced to have great wife qualities, and i'm not sure if the mainstream has much of an impact on being beauty queens in the south as in the States. Good luck. 

Edited September 26, 2023 by CJRM

[Gaeta]

47 minutes ago, Savvy2001 said:

Why does she have to point them out though? That’s what’s making me uncomfortable. I don’t point out any stereotypes o about her race so why is she doing it to me?? 

You know what, I am Canadian so I don't come from a Country with a long history of racism that's why I cannot relate to what you're experiencing. I am in an interracial relationship and we do poke fun at each other cultural differences but our background, context, and history is different than yours. 

So because I do not have the American experience I cannot bring much to this thread, and I certainly do not want to make you feel worse than you already feel. 

Talk to your girlfriend & tell her this is a make-it or break-it problem for you. Maybe to her it's not a big deal that's why she doesn't stop BUT she needs to understand it's a big deal to you, so she adjusts or she leaves. 

 

Edited September 26, 2023 by Gaeta

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I am in an interracial relationship and we do poke fun at each other cultural differences but our background, context, and history is different than yours. 

I can certainly understand poking fun at each others background within a committed relationship, but one person constantly doing it to the other is abusive.

 

50 minutes ago, CJRM said:

growing up seeing my family wash their rice, it is kind of awkward or stang not to wash your rice,

I wash my rice as well.  OP's gf was trying to insinuate that white people are not clean cooks.  That is wrong and mean.

[d0nnivain]

2 hours ago, Savvy2001 said:

 I just want her to realize that her saying those things is making me feel ashamed of being white even though it’s not something I can change.

You do need to talk to her about how upsetting her comments are.  However she doesn't say them to make you feel bad for being white.  She makes these statements because she feels bad that she is not white.  

You can't let the comments pass but don't go at her with both barrels.  

[CJRM]

@stillafool I understand that is how that comment was taken or perceived as mean, that white people aren't clean. but we all know that we have hygiene problems through all cultures, that's besides the point, people being clean or not. I think that's also superficial to think of white people as unclear. If we look deeper, and read between the lines, it's deeper than a racist comment, people don't say mean things for no reason, either because of plain ignorance or because of some kind of inferior or superior reason witch are both based on neither having no substance, I would question her character, and if it's because of ignorance then I wouldn't blame her, I would educate her, on culture differences, and that there's no reason to be mean about it, and if the two do end up marrying each other she can wash the rice, she doesn't even have to eat the rice, if she doesn't like it. I would "ask" her why she feels the need to be mean.... 

Edited September 26, 2023 by CJRM

[Gaeta]

57 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I wash my rice as well.  OP's gf was trying to insinuate that white people are not clean cooks.  That is wrong and mean.

Oh! I never thought it would be interpreted as white people are not clean cooks. I've never washed my rice and no one in my family wash their rice. When l met my ex he told me if l wash the rice it will have  better texture so l started washing my rice at 50 years old. 

Is that really what she meant, or OP gives a negative spin on what she says cause she's already aggravated by 1,5 year of comments.

 

[basil67]

@Savvy2001 one person's idea of funny is another person's idea of a**h***.   Thing is, if she is joking and you're not finding it funny, then her continuation of it shows that she's quite insensitive. 

I suggest that next time she says it, put her in her place.  Tell her that she needs to find a new joke because she's overused this one and is now just being repetitive and annoying.

FWIW, I'm white and didn't learn to wash rice till I learned absorption method in the mid 90's.  No more sloppy rice in my household!  My British heritage has so much to answer for in terms of horrible cooking 🤮