What kind of behavior is this?

[MissLYL]

Hi everyone! 

So I had a few calls and one date with a man from Hinge. For me, it was like love at first site. I was into him so fast. Smart, witty, kind, handsome. He seemed very emotionally available as he stayed on the phone with me for hours and asked me a ton of relationship questions. The only thing I found to be a red flag was that, he didn’t really believe in marriage. For me, I know I don’t want kids but I haven’t truly thought if marriage is for me. So instead of letting him go, I decided to keep in contact. We set a second date for 2 weeks after the first date, since we were both very busy. In between that time, he texted me every day, asking me questions, and he would call me every so often and we’d stay on the phone for hours.

The last phone call took place two days before the second date was scheduled to happen. He told me he likes to date one person at a time, see if they’re a match, and then move on if they are not. I told him that I just started to multi-date. He then tells me he doesn’t understand modern dating these days, because he’s not a multi-dater. Anyway, the next day I reached out to see if our date was still on. He then calls me and tells me “I’m sorry, but I think I’m going to leave the dating scene. I’m not into multi-dating. I think it’s dangerous to swap spit and so many people have std’s and sti’s these days. I hope you have a great day and find what you’re looking for. I’d love to stay in touch.” I really didn’t know what to say, so I said “Thanks for being honest. So you’re done with dating apps? What are you going to do?” He says “I might do arrangements. I’ll go on dates with people but it won’t turn into a relationship or go anywhere.” Lol. I found this strange and it totally caught me off guard. I’m annoyed because I liked him so much and I even told him that I accept dates from others before the first date happened. So I’m very confused.

I’d love some of your thoughts. He showed tremendous interest for 3 weeks and couldn’t go through with a second date. I’d love to avoid this kind of thing again in the future. Thank you!!

[MsJayne]

Each to their own, I would admire him for being honest. He doesn't want to date someone who's seeing other people, and that's a fair call, he obviously has self-respect. If I go on a date with someone and we mutually have a great time and agree we want to see each other again, why would one of us spoil it by announcing that we're going on a date with someone else on Friday night? You're either interested in seeing where something goes or you aren't, and, if you are, at least show enough respect to stop seeing other people for the duration. 

[Gaeta]

3 points

1. He might have gone through a lot of bs and finally when he meets a woman he's excited about (you) she tells him she's multi dating. Which, in his book, means you are not that interested in him and once again he'll waste his time. Of course it doesn't mean that for everyone but l can see how hearing this can be discouraging.

2. I would never have told a man l am highly interested in that l am multi-dating, even if l already have a date planned with someone else.  There is such a thing as too much honesty. He volunteered the information he was not multi dating, he did not ask you if you were, right? 

3. You said meeting this man was like love at first sight so why go on dates with other men? It would be a waste of their time no? As you're so taken with this one.

So, how much you want this man? Enough to date him only? You could get in touch with him and tell him you felt a strong attraction and connection that you're ready to put your profile on hold and only date him.

[basil67]

You found someone who you had an amazing connection with.  This is such a rare and wonderful thing which could have had real potential.   So why are you going on a date with someone else?   That's just nuts!

At any rate, it's entirely his prerogative to only date those who are interested enough to not be hedging their bets

 

[Wiseman2]

55 minutes ago, MissLYL said:

. He then calls me and tells me “I’m sorry, but I think I’m going to leave the dating scene. I’m not into multi-dating. I think it’s dangerous to swap spit and so many people have std’s and sti’s these days. I hope you have a great day and find what you’re looking for. I’d love to stay in touch.” 

Sorry this happened.  At least he was honest about things. Perhaps it's best not to mention "multidating". Try to retain some privacy when getting to know someone as far as your dating history and habits.

Whoever you are with doesn't really need to hear who else you're with.  Also the term could be misconstrued as sleeping with multiple people  simultaneously, so that's not for everyone. 

Use discretion, keep some things private. If the exclusive conversation comes up, that may be a good time to reveal that you don't want to be tied down to one person.

[stillafool]

I don't really blame him for not wanting to date someone who multi dates.  He's right swapping spit is dangerous when you don't know who else they're kissing.  No one wants a nasty cold sore or worse.  It is assumed if you're kissing multiple people you're more than likely having sex with some of them which can really put your health in danger.  

[Ami1uwant]

Did you actually have a face to face meeting? My scammercalert is raised hearing all this.

hoe old are you?

 

in online dating you assume multi dating  first.  This sound like he wants to control you.

[ShyViolet]

If you were so head over heels for him, I find it strange that you told him you are multi dating.  When you have only gone on one date with someone, of course you are not exclusive and it is assumed you might be meeting others, but I have never come straight out and told a guy that.  I'm not surprised that he was turned off by that.

[d0nnivain]

Dating is a mutual interview.  You liked him but you also told him that you are doing something that he's fundamentally against.  Therefore he chose to opt out.  

IMO you need to assume anyone you meet off the internet or an app is multi-dating.  That is not always true but if you start there you can't be disappointed.  To be exclusive takes a conversation & mutual agreement.  Until you have both promised to be exclusive you're not.  So going forward, I wouldn't raise subject until you get to a point when you are ready to commit.  

[ExpatInItaly]

Nothing really "happened", OP. 

He just discovered an incompatibility that is a deal-breaker for him and he's no longer interested. He has probably realized multi-dating is common online and since he's not into that, he's opting out altogether. That's all.  

[Rusty78]

14 hours ago, MissLYL said:

The only thing I found to be a red flag was that, he didn’t really believe in marriage. 

For a man not wanting marriage is a red flag? I would think by now if a man wanted marriage it would be a red flag. It would mean he would be totally out of touch of modern society and likely expect his wife to act like it was 1950. If you wanted the trad-wife, well? But trad-wife women do not multi date, so that's a no.

It sounds he's not into competition. You want to multi date, play one off against the other, you did tell him you were multi dating so that is letting him know it's a competition for him or maybe a better word is a game for you.

Most men don't like games where they are treated like pawns, that are controlled women. He doesn't like multi dating, he has standards. He is a one woman man and expects the same in return. 

Let him go find a woman that is a one man woman.  You are multi dating so you have more options.

[Calmandfocused]

Ouch. Bad move letting that cat out the bag when you did! 
 

Views about multi-dating aside,  I do actually agree with this man 100%. He’s clearly put a lot of investment in with you so far. Then you repay him by blatantly announcing that you’re dating another bloke!!!! …………
 

What exactly did you expect him to do with this information? Take it on the chin? 
 

I don’t date men who date other women. If you want to date other women you don’t like me me enough. That’s my view. 
 

Sounds like this guy has the same view. 
 

You’ve messed this one up big time. If you insist on multi- dating apply a bit more discretion next time. 
 

Put this down to experience and learn from it. 
 

 

 

[NuevoYorko]

You didn't meet his criteria because the two of you have conflicting views on dating. You're incompatible.   It's  simple.  

[Weezy1973]

It could also be he just wasn’t that into you and the multidating thing tipped it over the edge. If it was love at first sight for him, he could have asked for exclusivity. After just one date, that’s fast for a multidater, but he doesn’t multidate so it’s his normal. 

[Maldives]

On 9/28/2023 at 7:52 AM, MissLYL said:

Hi everyone! 

So I had a few calls and one date with a man from Hinge. For me, it was like love at first site. I was into him so fast. Smart, witty, kind, handsome. He seemed very emotionally available as he stayed on the phone with me for hours and asked me a ton of relationship questions. The only thing I found to be a red flag was that, he didn’t really believe in marriage. For me, I know I don’t want kids but I haven’t truly thought if marriage is for me. So instead of letting him go, I decided to keep in contact. We set a second date for 2 weeks after the first date, since we were both very busy. In between that time, he texted me every day, asking me questions, and he would call me every so often and we’d stay on the phone for hours.

The last phone call took place two days before the second date was scheduled to happen. He told me he likes to date one person at a time, see if they’re a match, and then move on if they are not. I told him that I just started to multi-date. He then tells me he doesn’t understand modern dating these days, because he’s not a multi-dater. Anyway, the next day I reached out to see if our date was still on. He then calls me and tells me “I’m sorry, but I think I’m going to leave the dating scene. I’m not into multi-dating. I think it’s dangerous to swap spit and so many people have std’s and sti’s these days. I hope you have a great day and find what you’re looking for. I’d love to stay in touch.” I really didn’t know what to say, so I said “Thanks for being honest. So you’re done with dating apps? What are you going to do?” He says “I might do arrangements. I’ll go on dates with people but it won’t turn into a relationship or go anywhere.” Lol. I found this strange and it totally caught me off guard. I’m annoyed because I liked him so much and I even told him that I accept dates from others before the first date happened. So I’m very confused.

I’d love some of your thoughts. He showed tremendous interest for 3 weeks and couldn’t go through with a second date. I’d love to avoid this kind of thing again in the future. Thank you!!

Easy, He got put off when you told him you were multi-dating. He's made it clear that he doesn't multi-date and he doesn't like it. Then you've told him that you do so there you go

[glows]

What a strange answer - leave the dating scene? Isn’t that a tad dramatic and extreme? 

Granted he’s into you and you both have different dating styles but why state he’s leaving the dating scene and doing “arrangements”? Such an awkward and bizarre answer. I myself never cared for multi dating (takes way too much time and not that interested in spending that meeting more than one person).

While I think his overall point is valid he also sounded peeved and was trying to emotionally guilt trip you with the blah blah blah long answer about stds. Then his socially awkward and cryptic answer about “doing arrangements” would probably cause me to laugh outloud! 

Sorry you wasted two weeks chatting back and forth with this guy. You’re both incompatible and I think you dodged a bullet.

[smackie9]

I agree with everyone else. It's a no brainer why he ditched you. He's quite upset/disappointed. He really liked you.....but you are dating others.  I suspect his ego is a bit butt hurt over it. Can't really tell if this is a dodge bullet situation or someone that has had a long run of bad luck, and is just done with it.