Navigating Life's Unexpected Turns

[Alpacalia]

My Dad has been doing a bit better. But his brother in law (his deceased sister's husband), that suffered a stroke a year ago, that he is very close with, passed away sadly yesterday. We have decided not to tell him quite yet as this is going to crush him. I am really dreading sharing this news with him. I don't want to tell him at all but I know I have to and I just hope that my Dad will be able to handle it. I feel so bad for my Dad. He doesn't have any relatives left with the exception of an uncle who is in his late 90's. But I suppose it's par for the course when you're in your late 70's.

Edited December 5, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Alpacalia]

I don't know what to do.

My father is still wheelchair bound and he lives with his lady friend but she doesn't want to take care of him. Recently, she left him alone in the house for a few hours and he tried to walk on his own. His short term memory has been affected by his stroke so sometimes he forgets that he can't do certain things on his own and it's very dangerous for him to be left alone.

My Dad absolutely loves living with her.

I know if he has to move he will be crushed. He just lost his brother in law (his sister, who passed away a few years ago, husband and he is heart broken.) I've offered for my father to come live with me so I can make sure he is taken care of properly, but he refuses to leave his lady friend. But I know it's a lot of work for her and I don't think she can handle it much longer.

I hate thinking that my father has to go live in a facility, and I want him to live out his days surrounded by those that love him. But I also don't want to see his lady friend struggle and suffer.

This SUCKS.

What to do?

[FMW]

Would paid part-time in-home help be possible and helpful?  This would at least give her a break if the woman he lives with is willing to help him part of the time.

 

[Alpacalia]

6 hours ago, FMW said:

Would paid part-time in-home help be possible and helpful?  This would at least give her a break if the woman he lives with is willing to help him part of the time.

 

That's a good idea! I just hope she'll go for it.

She has been annoyed because he has to have a nurse, PT, OT come to the house and she doesn't want a lot of people coming in and out of her house so I have been trying to schedule everything on the same day so she doesn't feel overwhelmed. If I get a home health aide for him it would have to be more frequent to help keep an eye on him and help out more. My Dad loves living there so much so obviously us kids do not want to tell him that he cannot live there any longer.

It's her house though albeit he pays rent and he has done 100,000's of thousands of labor for her fixing up properties for her and fixing up her home so we kind of feel like it's his house too! He wants to be with her so much and if we take him out of there I know it's going to crush him.

At the same time, I can't expect his lady friend whom he has lived with for years to take care of him.

[NuevoYorko]

Do you think she may not want him to live with her any longer?  

Sometimes I get the impression that you are not a big fan of this lady.  But seems like your dad loves her and they've had a fulfilling relationship. I realize that they are not married, but they've been together a long time and it seems like they are "life partners."  If he wants to be there, and she also wants him to be,   then she should be a part of his care decisions.

Obviously if he cannot be left alone at all, someone needs to be coming in.     

[Alpacalia]

21 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Do you think she may not want him to live with her any longer?  

Sometimes I get the impression that you are not a big fan of this lady.  But seems like your dad loves her and they've had a fulfilling relationship. I realize that they are not married, but they've been together a long time and it seems like they are "life partners."  If he wants to be there, and she also wants him to be,   then she should be a part of his care decisions.

Obviously if he cannot be left alone at all, someone needs to be coming in.     

Yes, I get the feeling it's overwhelming for her. Which, is 100 percent understandable. It's alot. So trying to come up with possible solutions to keep him where he is most happiest (with her). We are paying her daughter in law to help but the daughter in law sometimes gets overwhelmed too.

My father's lady friend has asked twice for his family (i.e. his children) to take him. That's the dilemma. Of course, we offered to, but my Dad broke down crying saying he doesn't want to move. I know he also is happy being there with her.

[NuevoYorko]

What is their communication like between themselves?  It seems like they need to come to some decisions as a couple.   I think you've posted before that they've been together for 10 years or something ... so it's quite a "real" relationship. 

Is he able to speak and communicate well?  I know a lot of people who have had a stroke struggle with that for a long time.   So maybe they cannot talk about how to proceed.   

[Alpacalia]

Just now, NuevoYorko said:

What is their communication like between themselves?  It seems like they need to come to some decisions as a couple.   I think you've posted before that they've been together for 10 years or something ... so it's quite a "real" relationship. 

Is he able to speak and communicate well?  I know a lot of people who have had a stroke struggle with that for a long time.   So maybe they cannot talk about how to proceed.   

They were romantically involved for a years in the beginning but then it kind of morphed into friendship, lifelong companions. They sleep in separate rooms. We don't, as his children, really know the ins and outs of their relationship in great detail. My father, following the stroke, now has short-term memory issues and it is still difficult for him to speak (aphasia).

So, in response to your question, yes, it's something he now struggles with. His personality is also very different, naturally, almost childlike.