My husband is currently deployed but has a girl best friend

[Sarah Fields]

Hi, I need your help/advice/anything by this point! 

My husband and I have been together for almost 4 years and we got married a month before he went on his first deployment. He is currently in Kosovo, but before going to Kosovo, they went to Texas for a month. In Texas, he called me everyday, I would talk to his roommates, he was so attached to me. They were able to leave base and be with family so I flew down there in May. While in Texas, we had the best time ever! I came back home and he left for Kosovo. 

There is a 6 hour time difference so that doesn’t really help, but we tried to make the most of it in the beginning. In the beginning, he was getting into his routine so we talked, but I knew he would barely be on his phone because they had to learn everything. We had good communication in the beginning, and we did have some arguments but we fixed them. 

In Kosovo he met 2 people who have become his bestest friends out there, one is a guy and the other is a girl. Once he met them, it’s like he shut me out a little bit. We would barely call, we would text but he would reply like 2-3 hours later, and I never spoke to those 2 friends like how I did with his roommates in Texas. They didn’t even know much about me either. He barely brought me up in conversation. I didn’t think much of it because of the time difference, he was working so much, and the stuff they go through can affect them mentally. 

He then would tell me about the girl and she has a kid and a fiancé but her and her fiancé are just together so he won’t take her kid from her. So they aren’t really together. She found out he cheated, and he just mistreated her. He would tell me about her issues and how he felt bad and he comforted her. I was getting a little suspicious but not too much to mention it.

A few weeks later, I had a rough time here at home and told him about it but his response was “damnn baby well things will get better” like he didn’t want to really be there for me. He kept on doing that whenever I tried to vent to him and I finally said “so why can you comfort her and not me?” And his response was “well she’s physically here with me so it’s easier, I’m not physically with you so I don’t know how to comfort you” it hurt a lot when he said that but I didn’t want to cause an argument so I brushed it off. I sadly had a miscarriage beginning of August, and told him about it and he didn’t seem to care. When I spoke about the miscarriage, I used “us” or “we” but he kept using “you” like he would say “I feel so bad for you I’m so sorry” and still didn’t really comfort me and when I mentioned how he would comfort her, an argument would happen and he would sort of defend her. 
after all of this, I became more suspicious and felt as though something was happening but he would deny it and say he loves me he married me and they’re just friends. One day we had a conversation through text and he said that a guy over there was starting problems because that guy likes his best friend and thought that my husband was with her since they’re always together and then he mentioned her nickname. So I brought it up and said “what are you guys doing that he would assume you’re with her? And she has a nickname now?” And he kept saying that he is married to me and loves me and everything. 

one day, he got a tattoo on a Saturday and he didn’t have any service so we barely talked. On Sunday he just sent me a message in the morning and never replied back. Monday came by, no reply. Tuesday, still no reply and I was freaking out by this point trying to log into his social media or gmail, I even searched up articles to see if something happened in Kosovo. I found nothing. Wednesday came by and no reply! I decided to text this other girl (who is deployed with him) I had to text her mom (we are all very good friends!) to see if her daughter has heard from my husband and if she could tell him to get back to me. And he finally replied back. 

He said work got stressful and I understood that. But then he said that he couldn’t be friends with his girl best friend anymore because she put her head on his shoulder, grabbed his face and almost kissed him and said “I have to tell you something but you have a wife” he then backed up and said “what’s going on here?” And he told her that they shouldn’t be friends and she agreed. He was so upset that she ruined their friendship and couldn’t let go of her and I asked him if he had feelings and he kept saying no. But I think he has emotional feelings for her, they created a connection. He kept saying “I need to talk with her and find out why she likes me I didn’t do any tú ing to make her feel that way” and it made me feel bad and I kept telling him that. He kind of admitted but didn’t at the same time that he had emotional feelings. He kept apologizing and kept saying “I messed up I’m so sorry” and I told him I needed time to get back to normal in our relationship because they have a connection!! He then got mad at me for being upset and we got into an argument and we talked on the phone and I was crying and telling him how hurt I was and that’s when he said “I don’t know if I love you because all we do is argue” and it all kept clicking in my head that he was distant with me this whole time because he was getting attached to someone else. we decided to keep trying because he said he wouldn’t talk to her. I believed him. 

today, something in me told me to ask how things were going since the situation and that’s when he told me that they’re back to normal, they’re acting exactly how they did before she said she likes him. I told him I felt so uncomfortable with that and wanted him to stop talking to her and that’s when he said he couldn’t because he likes their friendship. I told him that I wasn’t competing with someone and he had to choose one and he said “this is a hard decision and I know it shouldn’t be” but then kept saying “but I want you you’re my wife. I want my friend and my wife” “I love you so much I don’t want to leave you” but then I asked why couldn’t he just choose me and he kept saying “idk I feel lost” and I said “why am I even fighting for you when you don’t even love me and you’re choosing to disrespect me and our relationship to keep being friends with her” and he said “my love for you will come back I know it will it’s just the distance” I told him the distance isn’t my fault so he shouldn’t take it out on me and I told him he can’t have both he has to pick one. He still couldn’t pick and still hasn’t so I said “I’m not competing I’ll always love you but I hope you’re happy with your decision and that you chose her” and he said “I’m not choosing her I only see her as a friend” he then went to bed and texted me good morning a few minutes ago but the conversation is really awkward. 
 

what do I do? Should I stay with him? Does he like her? I need advice!! Please!! 

[Weezy1973]

If it were me, I would leave. I would lose trust in him. That being said, I imagine it’s tough being deployed and having good friends close by is very valuable in the moment. But in this case, she’s already admitted to having feelings for him, and he is still hanging around with her. He either has feelings for her, or just has poor boundaries, but either way he’s not particularly interested in protecting your relationship. 

[stillafool]

5 hours ago, Sarah Fields said:

“I don’t know if I love you because all we do is argue”

This is concerning because even when my husband and I argue we still know we love each other.  I would probably pull back and not be available to him until I decide what is the best course of action to take.  His best friend is in love with him and now she wants to stay his friend.  He's admitted he's distant to you.  She will probably hit on him again and sooner or later he will give in or he would stop contact with her so she can get over him and move on.  Are there no other people there he can befriend?  He's on a dangerous slope.

[Sarah Fields]

4 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

If it were me, I would leave. I would lose trust in him. That being said, I imagine it’s tough being deployed and having good friends close by is very valuable in the moment. But in this case, she’s already admitted to having feelings for him, and he is still hanging around with her. He either has feelings for her, or just has poor boundaries, but either way he’s not particularly interested in protecting your relationship. 

I literally feel what you just said right now. But then all of the memories we’ve made go through my head and I start to think like 4 years down the drain over some girl who he met like 4 months ago

[Sarah Fields]

32 minutes ago, stillafool said:

This is concerning because even when my husband and I argue we still know we love each other.  I would probably pull back and not be available to him until I decide what is the best course of action to take.  His best friend is in love with him and now she wants to stay his friend.  He's admitted he's distant to you.  She will probably hit on him again and sooner or later he will give in or he would stop contact with her so she can get over him and move on.  Are there no other people there he can befriend?  He's on a dangerous slope.

When he said that to me, I would tell him “I know deployment is very hard right now but I would never make you feel the way you’re making me feel right now” and he would say “im sorry but im being truthful” he completely changed once he met her. He has other friends, but he keeps saying that if he’s not friends with her it’ll be awkward and that they’ll still see each other because of their other mutual friend 

[d0nnivain]

Being the spouse of a deployed service person is difficult.  The rules are different.  You have to be supportive, not a drain.  Join a support group for military spouses.  Reach out to his branch for support.   There are on bade groups that can help you 

 

Remind him -- or inform him if he does know -- that cheating on your spouse with another member of your unit is a court martial offense in the military.   He can get kick out & a criminal record with a dishonorable discharge if he gets too close to this "best friend."    Have him ask the local JAG.   You don't say a word to anybody else because it could trigger the process.  

 

He can be cordial without crossing a line.   

Edited September 28, 2023 by d0nnivain

[ExpatInItaly]

On 9/28/2023 at 8:29 AM, Sarah Fields said:

Does he like her?

Yes, he does. 

It's obvious there is something going on between them. He might not have physically cheated wirh her but it's quite clear that his increased distance from you and increasing closeness with her means a lot more than just a friendship. 

I'm sorry. Whether or not he finds other friends or gets in hot water with his job for this fling, the underlying problem is sitll there - in other words, his heart and mind aren't really with you anymore. 

[introverted1]

On 9/28/2023 at 2:29 AM, Sarah Fields said:

He kept apologizing and kept saying “I messed up I’m so sorry” and I told him I needed time to get back to normal in our relationship because they have a connection!! He then got mad at me for being upset and we got into an argument and we talked on the phone and I was crying and telling him how hurt I was and that’s when he said “I don’t know if I love you because all we do is argue”

Are you sure he hasn't already cheated?  That's what this reads like to me. 

[Wiseman2]

On 9/28/2023 at 8:21 AM, Sarah Fields said:

 I start to think like 4 years down the drain over some girl who he met like 4 months ago

When will you see him again? Hopefully you two can get counseling when he returns. Sadly "don't ask, don't tell" type affairs are common during deployments. Unfortunately it seems they're having at least an emotional affair. 

[glows]

Yes, of course he likes her, is even in love with her. The most telltale signs are not responding to you for days and comments from others around them that they’re together or a couple. She obviously feels the same way about him and doesn’t care about the consequences and she certainly doesn’t respect your marriage if she’s tried to kiss him. How you find a person like this(your H) in the least bit attractive after all that is difficult for me to imagine. I understand you have memories and are heartbroken. You all claim to be good friends but this isn’t what friends do to one another. They do not care about you. 

He also gaslit you and told you he doesn’t know if he loves you because you argue often as if blaming your feelings for being upset about this so called friendship for his being distant. Good grief, the lack of brain and low functioning intellect would torpedo me into the land of utter disinterest.

I’d take the time to think about what marriage and a lifetime with someone means to you. Discuss your affairs in private with a lawyer ahead of time. You have friends(not these good for nothings), family and resources here I presume at home. He’s stuck out somewhere else making poor decisions. Decide for yourself what type of life you wish to live.

[BrinnM]

You sound like you got married too young and too quickly. I would seriously end this before kids are a part of the story. 4 years of memories are nothing in the great scheme of things. You can’t possibly be older than 22-25. That’s what it sounds like. There’s a lot of immature back and forth going on. Don’t waste your time any longer. He clearly has not learned yet how to respect a spouse and how to be loyal. Next!

[Lotsgoingon]

Definitely get to a spouses support group. Overseas deployments are TERRIBLE for marriages, absolutely brutal even when there are no affairs.