So confused/broken

[Jane5738392]

A little over a month ago my landscaper of 4 years came on to me one day when we were chatting. He brought me lunch, I didn’t think anything of it, we continued to talk about our families and then at one point he grabbed me and kissed me. Things heated up but we decided it wasn’t the right place. We met up twice after that for sex which was amazing. We had zero contact otherwise - we are both married with children. I have an infant and he has a mix of older/younger children. He seemed to be very afraid of being found out but never actually opened up about it. My marriage has been on the rocks for a while, with me feeling neglected. I’ve honestly always had a little crush on this man, finding him to be very attractive and just a good person. However, I never ever imagined this could’ve happened as I respected him and his family and vice versa. We also have an age gap of 20 years. The last time we met up I we were in his car and about to have sex. I noticed someone walking toward the car and it was his wife - she saw him naked and I hid my face so she wouldn’t see me (she doesn’t know who I am). She was upset and demanding answers from him - I quickly exited without saying one word but not before she took pictures of my car etc. I’m sure they are working things out and I can’t imagine that she would leave him. I am so upset and also paranoid. I’m afraid she will find out who I am and confront my husband, in which case I would tell him myself first. I am also just upset because this certainly isn’t how I wanted things to end (selfishly) and also upset because of the way she found out. I haven’t heard from him and am afraid to call because she is monitoring her phone. He sent his guys here for weekly landscaping but he didn’t show. What do I do? I feel as though I deserve some sort of communication from him to understand what’s going on, but I also understand that he needs to work in his marriage. I have very strong feelings for this man which existed even before the sex. 

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, Jane5738392 said:

 she took pictures of my car etc.  I’m afraid she will find out who I am and confront my husband,  I feel as though I deserve some sort of communication from him to understand what’s going on, 

It would probably be best to lay low and delete and block him and ALL people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Delete all your conversations. It does seem like she's collecting evidence and could likely tell your husband.   

You know exactly what's going on. He got caught with you and she collected evidence. You don't need no less "deserve" an explanation.

Instead focus on damage control as far as your marriage. "I felt neglected" won't stop a divorce if this woman forwards evidence to your husband.. 

Edited September 28, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Jane5738392]

My feelings around deserving communication are to understand what her intentions are - if she plans to confront my husband or not. I feel that would be fair, we both made a big mistake but I would have an immediate divorce whereas his wife will not leave him. I’m also afraid that if he lies to her and she later finds out who I am - a customer, etc - that it would blow up even more with my husband. My husband has been slightly suspicious, so me firing this guy would be a huge red flag. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Jane5738392 said:

. He sent his guys here for weekly landscaping but he didn’t show. 

That's a smart move on his part. All you can do is damage control as far as what's on your devices. Do not contact him. If she forwards her evidence to your husband, you'll have to cross that bridge when you get there.

[Jane5738392]

There’s never been anything on my devices, as we only communicated in person or brief calls when we would see each other. Never texted, no social media, etc. Her word alone would be enough evidence for my husband, and I have no idea what she’s thinking or planning to do. I also don’t have any sort of excuse and would be honest at that point. Not sure if it’s just better to tell him now myself. 

[d0nnivain]

You are not going to get that.  Your AP's wife owes you nothing & she will do whatever to make your life harder.  It's probably a condition that he not talk to you. 

Stop jerking your own husband around & tell the poor guy you want a divorce because you were unfaithful.  

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Jane5738392 said:

I haven’t heard from him and am afraid to call because she is monitoring her [his?] phone.

if she plans to confront my husband or not ... we both made a big mistake but I would have an immediate divorce whereas his wife will not leave him.

I'm confused as to how you would know either of those things.

There would be, of course, no way to actually predict with certainty whether she would tell your husband or not in the scenario you have described.

If the (putative) plan would be to tell your husband only preemptively if she intended to notify him of "catching you", well I guess that would leave you in a sort of Schrödinger's cat situation.

[stillafool]

You have a very good reason to be afraid.  She wouldn't have bothered to take a picture of your car if she wasn't planning on revenge.  She probably has a picture of your license plate.  Were you also naked when she caught him?  He's not going to leave her and now you see how little he cares about you by not getting in touch.  He probably told her you came on to him like most cheating MM do.  He's certainly not going to leave her for you.  I too think you need to come clean to your husband and perhaps seek a divorce since you don't want him anymore.  Once you're divorced you can find a single man and start over again.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Jane5738392 said:

What do I do?

I think you prepare for the day that your husband learns the truth, because it’s very possible that she will learn the truth of your identity and tell your husband. 
 

3 hours ago, Jane5738392 said:

My feelings around deserving communication are to understand what her intentions are - if she plans to confront my husband or not. I feel that would be fair, we both made a big mistake but I would have an immediate divorce whereas his wife will not leave him.

This is an assumption. You do not know what she will decide for her marriage in much the same way that you do not know whether she will tell your husband or not. 
 

3 hours ago, Jane5738392 said:

I’m also afraid that if he lies to her and she later finds out who I am - a customer, etc - that it would blow up even more with my husband.

Given the fact that you were discovered and he has ended all communication, you can expect that he is doing whatever is required to save his marriage at this point. Whether he decides to throw you under the bus in the process of saving his own backside is still to be determined…

 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Jane5738392 said:

I have no idea what she’s thinking or planning to do.

Unfortunately, this is the huge risk you took engaging in this affair. 

6 hours ago, Jane5738392 said:

I feel as though I deserve some sort of communication from him

Well, no. You don't deserve any such thing, to be very blunt.  I get why you want to know, but you aren't owed an explanation or any communication. I would operate under the assumption that his wife is planning to expose you. And I think the fact that he's also stopped coming to your house may be the clue that she already knows who you are. It would not surprise me if she pieced it together (or her told her), and she told him not to come over anymore. 

You need to talk to your husband. Immediately. She is probably already trying to figure out how to contact him and tell him. 

[Ray_xx]

Cheating and destroying ones marriage = KARMA 

[Lovetorn5]

10 hours ago, Jane5738392 said:

What do I do?

Unfortunately there isn’t much you can do at this point but wait it out. Try distracting yourself or going on walks/exercise to take your mind off of it/him would be my advice.

 

[Jane5738392]

He also called me about 20-30 minutes after this happened. He just said very quietly “I’m going to do it” followed by silence, then said it again and hung up. I called back and no answer. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Jane5738392 said:

He also called me about 20-30 minutes after this happened. He just said very quietly “I’m going to do it”  I called back and no answer. 

He's going to do what, exactly? Please erase your phone records and stop contacting him. Your dilemma is whether she contacts your husband with the evidence. Whether you hope to get away with it or confess rather than your husband finding out through her.  Leave them alone. You can either tell your husband or let him find out. Do you think confessing will mitigate the consequences vs if he finds out from the wife? 

[Jane5738392]

I have no idea what he meant when he said that. Confessing will definitely mitigate the consequences, but as of right now I would only do it if I knew she was planning to expose. All phone records are erased and cannot be accessed. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Jane5738392 said:

Confessing will definitely mitigate the consequences, but as of right now I would only do it if I knew she was planning to expose.

You will never know if this is what she is planning. 

Being honest with your husband should not be contigent upon someone else's plan. It is on you to face up to the consequences of your choices. Would you prefer he find out from someone else? 

[Lisa]

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