Moving in together later in life?

[Gaeta]

Lately I've been lost in my thoughts concerning this.

I will be 58 next month, my daughters are adults and I own my home, I will be mortgage free in 5 years.

My boyfriend is 50 and has 3 young children 15-6-4. He currently rents but started looking at houses as his 15 yo daughter expressed the desire to live with him full time and he wants to be better organized when the little ones stay over. 

Financially he's capable of purchasing a house on his own but the question was raised, should we do this together, not now of course but lets say next year. 

Would it be a financial faux-pas for me?

P.S.: The children are adorable toward me! My bf is a very hangs-on father and he cleans and cooks (he cooks more and better than I do). I am not worried about what our family life would be.

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Would it be a financial faux-pas for me?

Please talk to your financial advisors, accountant and adult children about this. Especially review your retirement portfolio and how this would negatively impact it. 

[Gaeta]

I understand that, I am still looking for people's personal experience and out of the box ideas. 

[d0nnivain]

I wouldn't.  There are tax consequences etc. 

 

Maybe let him buy something or even you buy something together but have in writing how the house will be divided if you split. Also talk about what happens upon death.  Does the survivor get the house or does each one's share go to their kids & the survivor has to buy out the kids?  You better work out the ugly money details before anybody signs on the dotted line. 

 

In your shoes I'd be inclined to keep my house & rent it out then maybe go halves with him on a new property, assuming you work out the inheritance / split up issues.    Do not give up your safety net / escape route / equity for love.   There are also Medicaid / advanced planning issues in here. 

 

Don't make any decisions before talking to an estate planning lawyer & a financial advisor.  

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Financially he's capable of purchasing a house on his own but the question was raised, should we do this together, not now of course but lets say next year. 

Agree. Let him finance his own house and if things progress, you can always rent your place and move in with them.

Who actually "raised the question"? It could be a red flag if he wants you to sell your almost paid for house in order to finance one for him and his children. 

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Who actually "raised the question"? It could be a red flag if he wants you to sell your almost paid for house in order to finance one for him and his children. 

I am the one who brought it up but we did not get into the practical details of how that would work. I feel I need options. 

I mentioned once that he could buy something in my neighborhood so we would see each other almost daily and he laughed and said if he lived next door he'd be at my place all the time. 

[Weezy1973]

I’ve heard the saying that 90% of marriage problems are actually living together problems. So just be aware that the two of you will definitely have differences that you’re not aware of that you will be made aware of you live together. 
 

As far as your home is concerned, I agree with the idea to keep your home and if he wants to buy a home joint together, it’s not a big deal. If you would sell your home to buy one with him, I wouldn’t do it.

[d0nnivain]

Being at each other's all the time isn't so bad.  My aunt's Bf for lack of a better word, bought the apartment condo next door.  It worked out great for them.   They were together 75 - 80% of the time but could both retreat.  They claim it helped the relationship.  He passed away & she didn't have to be dragged through his family's financial drama.  

[basil67]

6 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Maybe let him buy something or even you buy something together but have in writing how the house will be divided if you split. Also talk about what happens upon death.  Does the survivor get the house or does each one's share go to their kids & the survivor has to buy out the kids?  You better work out the ugly money details before anybody signs on the dotted line. 

Very good point.  If (heaven forbid) my husband died and I ended up in a new partnership, my children would be the beneficiaries of my assets.  @Gaeta you definitely need to have this conversation

[MsJayne]

This is not my personal experience, it's my partner's. When he was around the age of 40 he had a business, and he had a very small mortgage on a significant property holding, so quite well off and headed for a comfortable retirement. He got involved with a woman who had two kids, on a much smaller income than him, and had no assets and rented. He eventually married her, he sold his property and they took a home loan, (after he'd paid out her $30k credit card debt), and bought a property together and commenced family life. He put her daughter through private school, he went guarantor on a business loan for her, he paid the mortgage and household bills, her money went on her own and her kids needs. She insisted on borrowing against the equity in their home, and this funded the lifestyle to which she felt she was entitled. Her business venture went broke quickly with huge debts, and, as his business had been the guarantor, his business went into bankruptcy too. This of course meant that he had to go back to work contracting. With a lesser income coming in, her lifestyle curtailed, she turned on him. They had an ugly divorce and he ended up with nothing. The moral of the story is, be careful of entering into any property purchase with someone who has less assets than you, and don't be the means to them acquiring assets.  In my partner's case, by all accounts, their relationship was a train crash waiting to happen from the start so that's on him for staying in a toxic relationship with a freeloader, whereas you have a healthy relationship with your BF and he sounds like a solid and dependable sort of guy, so I guess the person's character should have some influence, but you still need watertight legal stuff to make sure you never lose what you started with. 

[d0nnivain]

It's not even about who has more or less.  It's just be smart & make sure you don't end up empty handed in the event of a break up or death.  

[Gaeta]

10 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Do not give up your safety net / escape route / equity 

I'm haunted by that thought.

With the real estate market right now l'd make an interesting profit renting my home and l could pay it off even sooner. 

At the same time l'd sign up a co-owner mortgage. I was aiming at living mortgage free but revenue from property 1 would pay property 2 mortgage. 

A fortune teller told me once l will never not work. It's starting to make sense lol

[semble]

I was going to say that it sounds like a good plan and can be very financially productive and can greatly improve your life, just be careful to mitigate your risks to whatever extent is possible, while realizing that taking some risks is the way to do better than the average person who just sort of muddles through life, playing it safe and never getting all that much out of it. There's a great opportunity, you can make the best of it. But please ignore everything I just said and do nothing because someone with a crystal ball told you it's a bad idea.

 

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, Gaeta said:

With the real estate market right now l'd make an interesting profit renting my home and l could pay it off even sooner. 

I would not sell your home, not in this market. If things don’t work out, it will be too hard to get back into the market and it will set you back financially. 

I moved in with my partner a few years ago.  We have a cohabitation agreement that spells out exactly what will happen if we separate or die. We maintain our previous assets and we have made allowances for money to go toward our children, etc… upon our death. As they say, if the first marriage is about love the second “marriage” is about money. 

You are sure you want to live with his children full time at this stage of your life - when your daughters are grown and out of the home? 

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

You are sure you want to live with his children full time at this stage of your life - when your daughters are grown and out of the home? 

My 19 yo is still living with me but she'll be out of the nest within the next 2 years. 

I get along very well with his 15 yo, by the time she moves in full time she'd probably be 17 and ready for college. The 2 little ones would not live with us full time but having more space would help having them more often and for longer periods.

I love children and children have always loved me. It helps that he's a hands-on father and the children are respectful and well behaved. 

[BaileyB]

I hear you, and I’m sure you know this but it’s very different living full-time in a home with teenagers/young adults that are not your own.

It’s obviously not easy for kids to move out these days with the cost of living. - you are making the assumption that they will want to move out/have the means to move out once they become young adults… I made that same assumption, it seemed like a reasonable assumption to make, but and I see now, it was a little naive of me to do so. 

Edited September 29, 2023 by BaileyB

[introverted1]

My feeling is that if you are going to deal with the legal entanglements of buying property together, you should just get married. Not that I am pushing for marriage.  Rather -- if you decide to buy property together, you need a clearly written document stating what will happen if you split up:  will he buy you out or will you sell the property.  He has younger children so he will probably want to be able to stay in the property; is it likely he'd be able to buy you out? 

In the short-term, my advice is to rent your house and then rent from him.  This lets you test out living together risk free.  You can always go back to your place. If you later decide you are, in fact, life partners, then you can buy into his property. 

[Gaeta]

11 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

It’s obviously not easy for kids to move out these days with the cost of living. - you are making the assumption that they will want to move out/have the means to move out once they become young adults

Absolutely, my 19 yo thinks she can find an apartment and live by herself at 21. Good luck with that, I tell her she'll have to do like we all did at that age, you start with 2-3 room mates and work your way up. As for his children, they will always be in our home and dependent on him in my life time, I am 58 so I will be lucky to see the little ones reach 25. 

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

In the short-term, my advice is to rent your house and then rent from him.  This lets you test out living together risk free.  You can always go back to your place. If you later decide you are, in fact, life partners, then you can buy into his property. 

That's not a bad idea. 

I came across an old friend not long ago. She and her life partner had a house together (2nd marriage for both of them) she has 2 kids and he has 4 out-control-teen-boys. They sold their house and each bought their own house and they spend 1 week at hers, then 1 week at his. They are always together but she doesn't deal with the 4 teen boys 1 week out of 2. 

I think couples that love each other eventually find their solution to be together. 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

Having a paid off mortgage is so freeing, and gave me the confidence to start my own business in 2017, so kudos on getting close! I agree with others not to sell your home but consider renting it if you and bf move in together. So happy to hear that your rel is gong so well!