She wants to meet him over lunch to talk about her breasts!

[Gaeta]

 

6 hours ago, Will am I said:

I think the woman in question is attracted to your man, @Gaeta. Not necessarily in the physical sense that she wants him in her bed. But there is definitely emotional attraction and apparently he is the one she wants close when things get scary. 

I think so too. I think he was a comfort the first time around and she is seeking more comfort cause she liked it the first time around. My bf is a very attractive and smart man of 50. She's a single woman of 47. You think if my boyfriend would have been a 78 yo, short, bald, fat man she would have reached to him again? big Nah! 

Now let's break it down. 

We know men don't know how to deal with women in distress or crying. He felt she was in distress and he offered to talk more about it by meeting for lunch. This is the batman in him, not thinking twice, and wanting to rescue someone in distress.

We also know that women can fall for their 'savior', the fireman that pulls her out of the house on fire, the random stranger that protects her from a thief, the neighbor that listens to all of her drama.  We hear very often on here stories of women getting emotionally attached to men that have listened to them in person or over the net he's so kind, he understands me so well blah blah.

We say when we're in a relationship we should not put ourselves in situations that could be misinterpreted. This is one of them situation. As a man in a relationship you do not meet random women you don't know to 'comfort' them.

This whole thing was more about her seeking comfort than medical advise. 

[Alpacalia]

Maybe this woman genuinely just wants to discuss her potential diagnosis and options with someone who has a medical background, even if it isn't in the specific field of oncology?

It's also possible that she sees your boyfriend as a trusted and knowledgeable friend who can offer support and guidance during a difficult time.

I am wondering why he hasn't mentioned her before. Is she really just an acquaintance or do they have some sort of past relationship? It's possible that your paranoia is stemming from past insecurities or trust issues, but yes of course you want to trust your instincts and not dismiss any potential red flags.

Perhaps have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend, express your concerns, and try to get a better understanding of their relationship and why this woman reached out to him specifically.

[Gaeta]

16 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Perhaps have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend, express your concerns, and try to get a better understanding of their relationship and why this woman reached out to him specifically.

I did and I posted it last night. 

She is not a friend, she is a friend of a friend he spoke to ONCE before. 

Over the phone he gave her the medical advice and referred her to a specific person in his hospital. His role should have ended there but she got all emotional and desperate on him so he offered she dropped by his work to 'be of comfort'. That part is inappropriate. This is not a friend, or a colleague, or a neighbor, or a patient. I would totally understand one of his patient reaching out to him in a moment of distress. He has 0 link to that woman. 

Edited September 29, 2023 by Gaeta

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

20 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Full mastectomy are very rare these days

Not sure if this is accurate as my cousin, aged 50, just had a double mastectomy. The type of cancer she has is diffuse so she had to have one breast removed, and having a double makes reconstruction better. She’s a PA and has a top notch team. I know others who have had a double as well due to having the gene.

Regarding your topic, I also find it bizarre that this woman contacted your bf without an official diagnosis but probably she is scared and mentally spiraling out of control.

[Gaeta]

He called me this morning and joked that he told this lady he won't have lunch with her because his girlfriend doesn't want to....and he laughed (he didn't do that). I have a feeling he's not gonna let me forget this one soon. 

 

[mark clemson]

It sounds like this may no longer be an issue?

While it is a bit off, given the amount one could learn doing internet research and sticking to legitimate sources, FWIW, I'm in the camp that the meeting intent was sincere rather than "mate poaching" etc. This is due to the medical nature of the topic. Unconsciously (or perhaps consciously) she may be looking for someone to (non-romantically) "console her" that things will likely be alright, which an internet site can't really do.

It's possible that she is feeling insecure about her future attractiveness at some level, so perhaps there was some intent to get some cues that your BF (as a presumably reasonably attractive male) at least finds her breasts "interesting" now. But doing even that isn't really the same as actually starting an affair or anything. It's more like "self-reassurance".

Now, if she had wanted to discuss her lingerie options with your BF, that would be another matter.

I think the territoriality you feel is reasonable to some extent, and indeed you've had some very unhappy surprises in the past. But you might also consider some sympathy as this woman may be looking at some substantive negative life changes in the near future, depending on how things go.

[Gaeta]

11 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

But you might also consider some sympathy as this woman may be looking at some substantive negative life changes in the near future, depending on how things go.

My mother had breast cancer, my cousin died of it, my colleague had to have a mastectomy. Three women very close to me had to deal with this. I am not heartless and I understand the struggles. Your support system is your family, your friends, your medical team, your therapist, your support group, your priest, some of your colleagues, your local breast cancer association. Not a man you spoke once last year. 

If you are waiting on cancer test and you're first call to express your terror is to a man you kept the phone number from last year, something is wrong. 

 

[stillafool]

I don't understand what this woman expects from your boyfriend.  This is so bizarre.  Your boyfriend should just give her a list of support groups to contact.  Why isn't she discussing this with her doctor or radiologist?  Is her family still alive?  

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I don't understand what this woman expects from your boyfriend.  This is so bizarre.  Your boyfriend should just give her a list of support groups to contact.  Why isn't she discussing this with her doctor or radiologist?  Is her family still alive?  

There is not much to discuss, she doesn't know yet if she has breast cancer. Our medical system here is overloaded, you cannot go monopolizing the oncologist time or surgeon time because maybe you might have something. If the result is positive then she will be taken in charge and she'll know exactly what she's facing, she'll have access to our numerous medical and emotional support.  I imagine her doctor sent her for the test and he's waiting for the results as well.  Some breast cancer require surgery, others not, some chemo others not, it's too wide to go over everything with her without knowing what type she has, if she has it. 

She has family but apparently they don't talk, lots of drama there, I don't know the details. Still does not justify turning toward a man she doesn't know for support. She has close friends. 

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I did and I posted it last night. 

She is not a friend, she is a friend of a friend he spoke to ONCE before. 

Over the phone he gave her the medical advice and referred her to a specific person in his hospital. His role should have ended there but she got all emotional and desperate on him so he offered she dropped by his work to 'be of comfort'. That part is inappropriate. This is not a friend, or a colleague, or a neighbor, or a patient. I would totally understand one of his patient reaching out to him in a moment of distress. He has 0 link to that woman. 

Yeah I get that, but we post on here when we're in need of support sometimes (like you're doing now).

I don't know all the details of her situation, but maybe with everything going on in her life she's getting frantic with worry and fear and just wanted someone supportive to talk to. Just like you came on here to talk with us. I think people climb out of the woodwork sometimes when we're in need. Sometimes we do it too, without realizing it.

Now, your boyfriend is a virologist and we don't even know if this woman has cancer or not, so my best guess is that your boyfriend thinks she has no one to turn to and he is looking at it from a humanistic point of view. He is also a scientist and so I assume he also has a lot of emotional intelligence but I could be wrong.

However, even with business colleagues, I have hugged them when they have been emotional to such an extent because I felt like they had no one to turn to in their moment of distress.

My cousin is an Ophthalmologist and even I sometimes ask him medical questions that have NOTHING to do with eye disorders. Even though he doesn't specialize in a particular disorder, he is still a medical doctor and so I still trust his opinion more than anyone and that's about it. Granted, he is family so totally different but anyone training to become a doctor is respectful and knowledgeable of such things.

I have no idea who this woman is that you're referring to. I'm just seeing a woman who might be scared and upset and looking for someone to talk to. I'm not trying to excuse her behavior or undermine your feelings. It's valid for you to feel concerned and unsure about your boyfriend's interaction with this woman. It's natural to feel protective and possessive over your relationship.

The bottom line is that you trust your boyfriend and believe in his intentions. If he has never given you a reason to doubt his faithfulness, try to give him the benefit of the doubt and support him in his decision to help someone in need. Even if this woman does have ulterior motives, it's ultimately up to your boyfriend to set boundaries and maintain a professional and respectful relationship with her.

I am sure you have communicated your feelings and concerns with him and let him know that you trust him to handle the situation appropriately.

Edited September 29, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

There is not much to discuss, she doesn't know yet if she has breast cancer. Our medical system here is overloaded, you cannot go monopolizing the oncologist time or surgeon time because maybe you might have something. If the result is positive then she will be taken in charge and she'll know exactly what she's facing, she'll have access to our numerous medical and emotional support.  I imagine her doctor sent her for the test and he's waiting for the results as well.  Some breast cancer require surgery, others not, some chemo others not, it's too wide to go over everything with her without knowing what type she has, if she has it. 

She has family but apparently they don't talk, lots of drama there, I don't know the details. Still does not justify turning toward a man she doesn't know for support. She has close friends. 

Question is…why do you seem jealous when you trust him?

 

I also saw the comment made if he was a fat old bald guy she wouldn’t have done this. I don’t recall if thst was you who said it but that comment would show jealousy.

in the area of communication and stuff about care someone who isn’t your doctor can b3 the better one for advice. Sure some of this could come with support groups.  If she’s not diagnosed yet not going thru treatment thrn these serve no purpose

Sometime patients can listed to someone who is not their doctor but a person with good knowledge.  Remrmber her friend recommended him.

 

why would he leave you he has bern with for a while leave you for someone he doesn’t really know?  This is where trust matters.

 

[Gaeta]

14 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

Question is…why do you seem jealous when you trust him?

I am not jealous, I am not afraid he will cheat, I am not afraid he'll leave me. 

It's about what is a proper conduct while in a relationship. I know, I'm sounding cold to a lot of people here but to me improper is improper, there is no exception because she's sad or sick.  

I said several times now I don't mind him giving his best medical advice, giving her references, even pushing her up the waiting list, I don't mind that at all. 

It's the 'come and cry on my shoulder' that is improper.

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

There is not much to discuss, she doesn't know yet if she has breast cancer. Our medical system here is overloaded, you cannot go monopolizing the oncologist time or surgeon time because maybe you might have something. If the result is positive then she will be taken in charge and she'll know exactly what she's facing, she'll have access to our numerous medical and emotional support.  I imagine her doctor sent her for the test and he's waiting for the results as well.  Some breast cancer require surgery, others not, some chemo others not, it's too wide to go over everything with her without knowing what type she has, if she has it. 

She has family but apparently they don't talk, lots of drama there, I don't know the details. Still does not justify turning toward a man she doesn't know for support. She has close friends. 

Maybe she found a lump and has to have a biopsy.  Still a phone conversation should be enough to answer any questions she would have without seeing him.  He's certainly not going to examine her.

[Els]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

I am not jealous, I am not afraid he will cheat, I am not afraid he'll leave me. 

It's about what is a proper conduct while in a relationship. I know, I'm sounding cold to a lot of people here but to me improper is improper, there is no exception because she's sad or sick.  

I said several times now I don't mind him giving his best medical advice, giving her references, even pushing her up the waiting list, I don't mind that at all. 

It's the 'come and cry on my shoulder' that is improper.

It seems like you have had your mind made up on this regardless of the opinions given to you on this thread. Respectfully, are you really seeking opinions/advice, or are you just seeking validation?

I feel really bad for her that possibly the only acquaintance she has with medical knowledge cancelled on her after agreeing to talk about it, in the aftermath of a cancer scare. I also feel like 99.99% of women know that talking about a cancer scare is NOT how you attract a man, so it's very likely that that wasn't her intention. However, it seems like you still think your bf made the right choice by cancelling on her, so... whatever works for you, I guess.

[Wiseman2]

On 9/28/2023 at 1:10 PM, Gaeta said:

I am smelling a woman with a hidden agenda here! It's generating  a lot of aggressiveness in me!

It's great you two talked and he has a sense of humor about it. Maybe he was flattered by your possessiveness? 

[Gaeta]

36 minutes ago, Els said:

I feel really bad for her that possibly the only acquaintance she has with medical knowledge cancelled on her after agreeing to talk about it

All of you reading my posts? They did talk about it over the phone, he even refered her to a specific person in his hospital so she get proper answers to her questions. The meeting face to face was not about the medical issue , the meeting was to give her emotional support, that's the part l disagree with. 

I agree l jumped the gun at beginning. I had wrongly understood she had invited him to a restaurant, turns out it was him who felt bad for her and invited her to join him at lunch BUT it was not to continue a medical conversation, it was to uplift her moral. That's not his role. She's nobody to him. 

So my frustration was aimed at her at the start of this thread and it moved toward my bf. He's the one taking this beyond offering medical advise. 

[mrs rubble]

I'm a microbiologist and I also do virology. I get all sorts of questions from people about all things medical, so her seeking him out for info is pretty standard in my opinion.

I'm pleased to hear that you have talked it through with him.

[Gaeta]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's great you two talked and he has a sense of humor about it. Maybe he was flattered by your possessiveness? 

I think he is flattered.

Last night I told him l felt bad and even embarassed to bring this up, so yes he will tease me.

[Gaeta]

1 minute ago, mrs rubble said:

I'm a microbiologist and I also do virology. I get all sorts of questions from people about all things medical, so her seeking him out for info is pretty standard in my opinion.

Thank you for punching in!!

Under the same circumstances, not knowing her, would you have offered her moral support over lunch? 

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I am not jealous,

Although you do acknowledge this triggered your insecurities regarding prior partners cheating.  And that’s the source of this; it’s not about proper ways to act while someone is in a relationship.

 

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

It's the 'come and cry on my shoulder' that is improper.

And that’s probably not what this was. It’s what you’re making it. It was almost definitely him talking about treatments and probabilities and success rates. While that will comfort her (hopefully), it’s not giving her a hug and kiss on the head saying “there, there”.

 

[Gaeta]

13 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

And that’s probably not what this was. It’s what you’re making it. It was almost definitely him talking about treatments

No no, he told me he offered her to lunch because she was completely broken down and he felt bad for her and wanted to give her comfort. He offered that on the spur of the moment.

At that point he had already given her the information and a medical reference. 

I know he did that out of having a kind of generous heart but it is what a is. A man in a relationship offering comfort to a woman he does not know. 

[mrs rubble]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Thank you for punching in!!

Under the same circumstances, not knowing her, would you have offered her moral support over lunch? 

Yes I probably would have. 

[Gaeta]

27 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Although you do acknowledge this triggered your insecurities regarding prior partners cheating.  And that’s the source of this; it’s not about proper ways to act while someone is in a relationship.

Let's say l'm smarter and more cautious about these things because of my ex.

The way my current bf reacted tells me he is honest and sincere. When l pointed things to my ex he gave me the: you imagine things.

My bf did not tell me l imaged things to dismiss how l feel, even if l was imagining  couple of things,  he simply said my feeling is what matters so he won't lunch with her....that it does not matter because she is nobody to him...l'm what matters.

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, mrs rubble said:

Yes I probably would have. 

I'm shocked!!! Lol

[Alpacalia]

Hopefully this was just a blip and you're not going to let this get to you any more.

He's a virologist and looked after her concerns. You may have to consider if he's going to be believed if anybody ever accuses him of being more than that or of women trying to woo him.

Don't know your boyfriend, but if I was in his shoes, and my partner constantly accused me of being inappropriate every bloody time I was trying to be a decent human being, I'd tell them to move on (in nicer terms).