She wants to meet him over lunch to talk about her breasts!

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I think he is flattered.

Last night I told him l felt bad and even embarassed to bring this up, so yes he will tease me.

That's good. It seems like he mentioned it only to show what a good person he is. However after this he'll probably be more careful about what he shares in order to prevent drama if he is dealing with suspicious minds.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

my partner constantly accused me of being inappropriate every bloody time I was trying to be a decent human being, I'd tell them to move on

It was a blip. I've been here 10 years and don't think anyone can put a 'controlling' sticker on me.

[Gaeta]

Update:

He arrived last night and when we went to bed he teased me with it again. I rolled my eyes at him  and he added: you're watching over your territory and l like it, you have that right, l am giving you that right. 

He knows it was a blip on my part and he does not want me to torture myself with it.

I'm going back to my weekend, you all enjoy yours!! :-)

 

[Alpacalia]

29 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It was a blip. I've been here 10 years and don't think anyone can put a 'controlling' sticker on me.

Happy to hear, Gaeta.

Lookie, we all have our insecurities. Not begrudging by any means. But gotta come at it a different way. Because initially you mentioned that being passive and non-opinionated hasn't helped you in the past in relation to your exe's cheating. Your approach now is in the category of no trust-a control thing, possibly-when a woman shows in your view, potential interest in your boyfriend.

Who cares-honestly: what can she do to make sure you're not insecure about this?

Essentially you're trying to say your boyfriend should protect your feelings more so? Ya, get a little confidence and security and share the burden a bit more. The previous approach obviously didn't work in preventing exes from cheating. But can't control someone else's actions, and solely relying on them to make you feel secure is unrealistic.

Sure, it might be cute for your boyfriend initially but if you don't manage and balance that stuff, reign it in when appropriate, he's gunna be dipping out.

Instead of assuming that any woman who shows interest in your boyfriend is a potential threat, try to focus on building trust and security within yourself and the relationship. Maybe a, "hey honey, I am feeling a little insecure in our relationship right now. Can we talk about it and can you reassure me that everything is okay between us?" I don't know, just thinking of options for you.

Of course, trust is earned and not given, so if your boyfriend has given you reasons to feel insecure, that's a different story. But don't let your insecurities and past experiences control how you view and act in your current relationship. And don't put the entire burden of making you feel secure on your boyfriend's shoulders or trying to control your boyfriend's actions.

Hypothetically speaking, lets say this woman IS interested in your boyfriend-what's the harm in that? If your boyfriend is committed and faithful to you, then it shouldn't matter if someone else has a crush on him. He's with you and that's all that matters. And if your boyfriend does entertain the idea of someone else, then that's a different issue and it's not the fault of the other woman.

Edited September 30, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Kassieee]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Update:

He arrived last night and when we went to bed he teased me with it again. I rolled my eyes at him  and he added: you're watching over your territory and l like it, you have that right, l am giving you that right. 

He knows it was a blip on my part and he does not want me to torture myself with it.

I'm going back to my weekend, you all enjoy yours!! :-)

 

He's a pushover. It's all cutsey now, most get sick of it.

Edited September 30, 2023 by SlimShadysWife

[Lotsgoingon]

I didn't read all the posts, but I do have some experience here. My ex had breast cancer and ended up with a double-mastectomy and breast implants.

I remember how scared she was, terrified and yes, terrified just with the early indications that it could be cancer, before the cancer was fully confirmed by the biopsy. So one point to make is that when cancer is on the table, your brain and body don't wait until the official diagnosis to hit a level 10 panic.

Depending on the person, you can hit a total panic even when the talk is on early stage and highly treatable cancer. So reaching out to friends and especially people you trust and feel comfortable with--that's normal for having cancer.

Question: let's say this woman wanted to meet your bf to discuss possible foot cancer or brain cancer. Would that be different? Because let me tell you when cancer is the issue, there is NOTHING remotely sexual or sexy or romantic about discussing cancer of the breast. Not one thing. Actually my ex did have a sense of humor about how non-sexual the treatment was. Her plastic surgeon (who inserted the implants after the mastectomy) would come to her hospital bed with three residents and he'd have a magic marker and he'd mark up her breasts for surgery. He and his residents would look at her breasts like they were inspecting a crack in an expensive piece of glass or art. They were properly clinical. 

I'm assuming this woman isn't partnered with a man. I can tell you this. My ex was obsessed about MY view of the mastectomy and reconstruction options. We would be in her plastic surgeon's office and she'd be getting my opinions on the various shapes of the breast implants. Totally panicked that I (and other men if we didn't work out) would lose interest and attraction to her if the implants weren't just right. So there is an element where this woman might just need or want a man's view just to reassure her that she won't lose her femininity because of cancer in the breast.  That's not improper on her part.

I don't know the full story of this woman and her credibility, but I don't see anything wrong with this woman asking for a meetup, assuming that your bf is a good person in her life and someone whose opinion is worth consulting. 

Here was the thinking as I recall 20 years ago when my ex got cancer. (BTW: my ex survived and is well, and her rate of recurrence is no higher than any other women her age getting breast cancer for the first time) The biggest decision to be made if the cancer is caught early is whether to have a lumpectomy (or plural if the cancer is in several places) or to have full on mastectomies and then breast implant reconstruction. If the cancer is caught early, lumpectomies (usually with radiation or chemo) have the same survival rate as mastectomies. But if you have the lumpectomy, the doctors will have to monitor a recurrence pretty aggressively and the person will likely have a biopsy (which is a a form of surgery with tons of anxiety even though it's considered "minor") every time there's a scare, and those biopsies over time will undermine the appearance of the breast. 

So yeah, this woman is very smart to not wait for the official diagnosis and to get herself thinking now.  And a major part of good thinking is to consult with other people you trust. It's also extremely important to drop the shame and start normalizing cancer and your own body. Because when the diagnosis comes (assuming it's positive) the terror and freakout and dread will also come. And that terror and freakout really makes it hard to think clearly or with peace or with confidence. 

Explainingt that you have a breast cancer possibility isn't exactly the sexiest thing to do. And yes, let's say I had a possible testicular cancer or any cancer, my first calls would be to probably three of my closest women friends (two of whom are married), who are really smart thinkers with good practical sense. Those would be my first calls because I trust them. 

 

 

 

[Liliana09]

On 9/28/2023 at 6:10 PM, Gaeta said:

I know! Shocking title eh! But it's exactly that!

My bf tells me he got a phone call from a female friend (he never mentioned her before) who might have breast cancer. I thought that's sad. Then he says she'd like to meet him over lunch to go over what are her options as she's considering a full mastectomy. 

I'm like wait ! does she have cancer or not? and the answer is she doesn't know yet, her lab results will come in 1-2 weeks. So she has NO idea if she has it or not. Also why pick my bf! My bf is a virologist not a physician or an oncologist! 

I am smelling a woman with a hidden agenda here! It's generating  a lot of aggressiveness in me!

I was really laid back in my last relationship and we all know where it got me! 

Do you see what I see or am I having a case of paranoia!? If I have a cancer scare you bet I am not going to call some random acquaintance I have not spoken to in a year! 

Everything about this is weird & suspect 🤨, why doesn't she confide in her family or female friends 🙄🤦‍♀️, aswell  as the doctor of course .  She would not ask your boyfriend like that . 

[Liliana09]

On 9/29/2023 at 12:09 AM, Versacehottie said:

If this is part of his identity or how he sees himself, it would probably hurt him if you tried to swat him down from being who he is. IMO he's doing a good thing. 

She's meeting him to talk about health, not her boobs. I agree with the pancreas idea. Would you feel differently if it was pancreatic? If it goes on more than once or twice or once plus a handful of texts, perhaps I would encourage him to help her find a breast cancer specialist...at that point, that would be the right thing to do for all parties concerned...For the best of her health and your relationship. 

I'm guessing she is probably freaking out about her life and not in the mindset to thinking about dating right now. I would agree with all of those that said talking about breasts in this context is not sexy at all. Plus really what would be said about breasts themselves? She is probably going to be asking about referrals, how to determine who is a good doctor, testing process, etc? The nuances of healthcare not boobs. It's not sexy or a come-on IMO.  Long term IMO what is more likely to happen is that he will feel good for having helped her/savior/ego boost thing.  But you can give him that yourself now by being proud of your bf who is compassionate and a helper, values which he clearly cares a lot about. If you believe he is trustful and respectful, you will see more evidence of that in this interaction as well.

If he meets her though to discuss ' possible breast cancer scare', how exactly is he supposed to diagnose her  ...does she want him to feel her breasts ?. How else is he supposed to help her ?, or is it just advise she's wanting?.

 

Because to me all of this sounds suspicious, if she's genuinely having a medical worry,why not ask her female friends & relates & seek medical attention?? 🤷‍♀️.

Surely there's only so much  a male friend can give regarding advice & information, even if he has some medical knowledge . 

[mark clemson]

On 9/29/2023 at 9:53 AM, Gaeta said:

If you are waiting on cancer test and you're first call to express your terror is to a man you kept the phone number from last year, something is wrong.

I do agree it's "off". The flip side is - this is a very non-romantic topic overall.

Maybe she's not thinking straight, dunno.

[Gaeta]

Thank you all for reading and participating to my thread.

I agree even if a woman comes after my bf it should not worry me as l completely trust him. My first reaction, to think she was walking on my territory, was a rushed reaction. She was happy with a phone call. In her situation l would not seek advise from a stranger that does not even work in the field but each there own reaction.

As for him offering moral support to strangers: after he's given the medical info, references, and saying he's very sorry, and erything will be alright... that should be it. 

And finally, yes in the future l will pick my battles more wisely. I really am crazy about this man & feel very lucky he feels the same about me.l don't want to jeopardize that for sure.

[Gaeta]

Unfortunately this thread does not have a happy ending.

I thought I would update this thread to remind us all to never ignore a lump or a suspicious pain. Turns out this lady did have breast cancer and it had time to generalize. She passed away 2 months after this thread at 45 😞

 

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

She passed away 2 months after this thread at 45 😞

Oh my goodness, that was so quick.  How sad.  Yes, please get all lumps checked immediately and don't miss annual mammograms.

[Alpacalia]

That's a shame. It's also a shame that a man's good intentions toward a friend have to be looked at for suspicious reasons. Sometimes a person just needs someone to help them make sense of things in their own way and in their own time. Sometimes it's easier to talk to someone who understands biology and a little about human nature, than to talk to friends and relatives, who, as well meaning as they are, may not grasp all the facts as well as they think they do.

I'm very sorry to hear about the death of this lady. It's a shame. Even if your BF's understanding and conversation didn't save her life, I'm sure it made things a little easier for her, whatever her fate would have been. And that is not so bad.  

Edited January 29, 2024 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

14 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

It's also a shame that a man's good intentions toward a friend have to be looked at for suspicious reasons

I don't want to redo this thread but he did not know her. 

[d0nnivain]

Thanks for the PSA about taking care of one's health.   May she rest in peace despite whatever meddling she did in your relationship.