I'm in love with my best friend who is a girl...

[subliminal girl]

I am 18 years old, female. And I fell in love with my best friend, who is a girl too, about one year and a half ago... and she has no idea. She is straight and I thought I was too - til I've met her... I was never attracted to any other girls. With her it's just totally different. First I didn't realize what my feelings for her ment. I told myself that I would just feel so thankful for her because of all the things she has done for me in our friendship, or that it's normal to have those feelings cause she's my friend and I really care about her... I just hoped those feelings would go away, but they only became stronger. And then I realized that I was in love. And that my feelings wouldn't go away. There were many times I was in love, but it has never been like that... I have never had such strong feelings for a person, before.... It's really driving me insane.

I don't think that there is any solution for my "problem" and I myself don't search for one, anymore... Cause I realized.... There IS NO solution. I can't do anything against my feelings. But I think I would maybe feel better if I could talk to someone about my situation and my feelings. Maybe someone who knows what I'm talking about... you know? Because it's hard to deal with it all alone. No one of my friends knows my "secret" and I can't tell anyone. I wouldn't dare... I just can't. Sometimes I feel kinda embarrassed of my feelings... What's killing me most at the moment, is, that she has a new boyfriend... (I was with her as she got to know him...) I mean I told her that I am happy for her...and I truly mean it. I AM happy for her. She just deserves to be loved and to get what she wants. But on the other hand, of course it really really hurts... I just want her so bad and I just wish I could have her for MYself. It's killing me... Somehow I can't stand the fact that he can have her and gets all of that that I will never have! Fortunately, I didn't see them kissing each other or something yet. I really fear that moment when I'll have to see that... I don't know how I should be able to stand that.

I think I've written enough now... I could go on like that for hours.. Sorry!

[Judas Christian]

In a situation like yours, something has to give. For your own well-being, the air really ought to be cleared. I take it your friends would ridicule you if you admitted to this? If so, perhaps they're not a good definition of "friends." You need, at the very least, some sense of closure. You need to know once and for all if the possibility actually exists or if it's just a pipe dream. Your situation is sticky in several places, not the least of which is the "what now" aspect - if you tell her and she is offended, if you tell her and she's understanding but not interested, whichever and whatever, it will come down to "what now?" and it may not be very clear. I do think, however, that you owe it to yourself to be honest about your feelings and at the very least find someone you can talk to who may understand - perhaps someone that's even been in exactly the same spot. Maybe, too, you'll find the opportunity and self-confidence to tell this friend of yours how you feel. It could be friendship suicide, to be sure, but at least things would be in the open and could be dealt with. The biggest issue that will eat you alive at this point is the uncertainty and what-if scenarios. I wish I could be of more help.

[mental_traveller]

Be careful. Chances are, she isn't bi or lesbian. If she isn't and you reveal your feelings, you could lose her and get a lot of problems with your other friends and acquaintances. If she is, and she's interested in you too, then there will probably come a time when you start to get "hints".

 

It's very rare indeed for two people to have a genuine attraction, and neither to show any sign of it at all over time. So, to test it out, just do common sense stuff - occasionally mention a hot actress and say jokingly "If I was a guy I'd do her", rent films with some (not too obvious) woman-woman action etc. Get drunk together and flirt subtly then see how she reacts. Play spin the bottle when a load of your friends are drunk etc. Ok that's corny sh*t but you get the idea!

 

If she is bi/lesbian and into you then she'll take the chance to drop at least a slight hint. But overall I'd say the odds are against you here. I think the best path is follow a cautious sounding out of her interest, but always leave yourself an explanation so you can deny having that interest. Remember, in old times, gay people risked persecution and even death for just being gay. Yet they still hooked up. So in today's world it's many times easier for you - there's the chance of embarrassment and rejection way beyond that of straight people, so you have to be careful, but it has been done before in much harsher times. So just don't make it too obvious, and always leave an "escape route" so you can deny everything! Good luck.

[centered]

Subliminal, this is a difficult situation. But this strategy might work well for you and your friend:

 

1) Tell your friend you need to take a break from being around her -- maybe for a month or so.

 

2) Tell her you'll have no contact with her.

 

3) And so she's not worried, confused, or upset, tell her *why* you need to do this. Let her know you love her as more than just a friend.

 

If she's already your friend, you can trust her not to be judgmental of you. She will accept you the way you are -- that's what friends do. So trust her with your feelings. One of two things will happen:

 

1) She will think about what you said, and share with you she also has some feelings for you, too. I know this is what you hope for, but be prepared that it won't happen. The odds are she's straight, like you suspect she is.

 

or

 

2) She will thank you for trusting her with your feelings and coming out to her, and will want to remain your friend. If this happens, she may tell you that this "no contact" thing you proposed isn't necessary. But you have to be strong about this! It *is* necessary for you to get over her and give yourself a chance to find someone who can love you the way you want. And anyway, it's just 1 month -- you'll survive.

 

With patience and honesty between you and your friend, you'll develop an even better friendship, whatever happens. And if she's not the one for you, she'll probably be helping set you up on dates in the near future! And she will be your friend through the years for the trust you placed in her, no matter what. Good luck in heart and head.

[subliminal girl]

thanks for your advices. I really appreciate that.

There are some news:

I am not alone with my secret anymore, because I told it a good friend who is also a friend of HER. I always thought that she'd be the last one I would ever tell... I just didn't want to create such a strange situation for her because she is a friend of us both. So I always thought that it must be really weird for her to know it and I didn't want to make trouble.

But then it just happened. I didn't plan it, I just felt comfortable to tell her, because we were having such a great conversation that evening and it just felt right. I just felt how much I can trust her. And I don't regret it at all. It was the right decision. Her reaction was great: She was like "that's no big deal, you don't have to be ashamed because of that"... She really has no problem with it and I am feeling very relieved now. I am even kind of proud of myself that I had the courage to do that, even if it took about an hour til I finally brought out the words... I just never thought that I would do that!

And that friend told me something I didn't know and I would have never expected: The girl I'm in love with once had feelings for her! So she experienced quite the same! And maybe there's a chance that it might happen to her again..? That's great. Now I can be quite sure that she wouldn't take it badly if I told her about my feelings, one day.

But she is still together with her boyfriend. For over three months now. I don't remember the last time a relationship of her lasted that long. He really means something to her... It sucks. I can't stand the fact that someone else can have her, make her happy and be with her...

Alright, I am writing too much again