Girlfriend's sudden need for space/ some background grievances

[Joey96]

I've been dating this girl for about a year, closer to 9 or 10 months at this point. I'm a male, 27 years old, and she's 22. We hit it off pretty quickly, and things moved fast, maybe too fast, in hindsight. Early on, before we were officially dating, although we were spending time together and talking everyday, she was still talking with an ex long distance boyfriend without me knowing. Things came to a head when she lied about being sick, but she actually had the guy travel out of state to go to a family function with her. I broke things off when I found out by chance. However, we reconciled and she said she wouldn't talk to him anymore. There were a few other issues later on, once we officially started dating, involving that ex, but she eventually promised not to talk to him anymore. This past June/July, things started to get weird between us. She wouldn't want to be intimate, and we stopped talking about the future. I confronted her, and it led to me wanting to break up, which she talked me out of. Things got better the following months. However, the past couple weeks, she hasn't wanted to come over, which I understand, because she's been in school and is stressed out. But, she doesn't even want me at her house. Usually, one of us would spend time, sometimes a couple days at a time, at one of our respective homes. This denial to have me come over was weird and out of her character, because we always spent time together, even if we just chilled and did our own thing in each other's company. She's almost stopped all physical contact and talks about our future in the rare occasions we do hang out. Her whole attitude and demeanor has changed. I confronted her, and she told me she's feeling depressed and doesn't want to come over, wants to be alone, etc. She said she doesn't like having me over to her house because she can't give me her best self. I said I understand, but that she doesn't need to feel pressured to entertain me, that I just like her company. It didn't work. She said our relationship has begun to feel like a chore, and we don't need to see each other as often because we've been dating for a while. She said she's used to being in a long distance relationship where she could "do whatever I want to do and not have to worry about the other person" (quote). This didn't make sense to me because it's so out of the blue. She scolded me about not texting her enough during the few days we were apart when this was happening, saying I had poor communication. This was weird, because I said I was just trying to give her space and didn't think she wanted to talk, and that I'd rather just talk in person anyway, since I'm used to it. The whole conversation went nowhere, she was unwilling to elaborate further. This is a common thing, she doesn't communicate her feelings well when something weird is going on between us, or when I know something is wrong, and it's really frustrating. I know I could work on aspects of my communication, too, so I'm not blaming her entirely. I haven't seen her for about 5 days straight, and I guess I don't mind. I haven't put in much effort because I'm not getting much in return, and it's tiring. I don't know what's caused this change, because usually when she's depressed or stressed, she wants to be with me. I guess I'm getting the feeling like this isn't going anywhere, or maybe the ex is back in the picture. Any thoughts or suggestions would be nice, and I'll clarify anything, since I'm writing this at work. 

Edited September 28, 2023 by Joey96

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Joey96 said:

, she was still talking with an ex long distance boyfriend without me knowing. Things came to a head when she lied about being sick, but she actually had the guy travel out of state to go to a family function with her.

Sorry this is happening.  Trust your instincts. It does seem more like an on/off BF than an ex.  Whether she's actually stressed, depressed whatever, she's pulling away. Stating that your relationship is "a chore" definitely isn't a good sign.

Unfortunately it seems since her on/off BF is at a distance, she doesn't have the integrity to end things and has simply put you on the back burner. Save yourself a lot of headaches and heartaches and cut your losses.

[Joey96]

Wiseman2, I think you're right. Just going through periods of "really good" to "extremely confusing" is... well, confusing. I'm not sure what she wants, and I don't think she does either. 

[MsJayne]

Sounds like the ex, or someone else, is in the background. Being as it's only been a short relationship I'd end things with her, she sounds very insincere and kinda manipulative. 

[Ray_xx]

I know the answer to this as it's the description of my sister. She has someone else and keeps you both hot and cold. LEAVE!

[ExpatInItaly]

This relationship isn't working anymore, OP. 

It doesn't matter if she promised to stop talking to the ex. Her behaviour at that told you what you needed to know, which was that she wasn't over him. My guess is that he's back in the picture. Whatever the case may be, it's clear she is fading out. I would call it a day and find someone who's not wishy-washy with you. 

[ShyViolet]

This relationship is over.  At less than a year, it's clear it has run its course.  Just cut your losses and don't waste any more time with her.

[Ami1uwant]

Shr is young.

bring with you for a while she might be like I don’t mind the occasional dates but not wanting marriage/ LTR and 1 yr is a crossroads. 
 

she likes long distance because she can control the encounters to when she wants them.

[BreakOnThrough]

Just say ok and move on, ignore her enough and she'll be begging, let me miss you.  Date other women in the meantime.

[smackie9]

She has absolutely no relationship integrity. She's a liar, and a cheat. She proved that right from the start. She's a bit of a narcissist. It's only about her, what she wants, and doesn't care what you or anyone thinks. She wants it, she's gonna do it. never take anyone back when they breach that trust. Her meeting up with her ex to go to a function should have been the end of it. Where the hell is your self worth man? No chick is worth that.

[glows]

She is stonewalling you or isn’t communicative or open. You both seem incompatible as well as she’s geared more towards LDR relationships in her words although this seems more like a cop out than anything. An excuse for being distant and unavailable. 

The key message is she’s not available at the level you’re seeking in a partner/relationship. This is not working for you and she’s not working with you. If she thinks it’s a chore to meet with you, it’s no wonder being around her also feels like a chore - tedious, mindless and uninspiring. The problem is her but it’s also you - why are you continuing to let someone like this take up your time?

There are other single and available women to date who don’t treat their partners this way. You need to review what draws you to someone like this who has ex baggage at the forefront, appears selfish, immature and has difficulty being honest and open in relationships. 

Edited October 4, 2023 by glows

[Katie Hall]

I'm sorry to hear that you've been through a difficult situation in your relationship. Trust is a fundamental aspect of any healthy and successful relationship, and it can be challenging when trust is compromised.

Here's some advice from a neutral perspective:

Communication is Key: It's essential to have an open and honest conversation with your girlfriend. Share your feelings and concerns about what happened and how it made you feel. Listen to her perspective as well. Effective communication can help you both understand each other better.

Assess Trust: Take some time to assess whether trust can be rebuilt in your relationship. Trust can be repaired, but it takes time and effort from both parties. Consider whether you are willing to give her another chance and whether she is committed to rebuilding trust.

Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries in your relationship moving forward. Discuss what is acceptable and what isn't in terms of communication with ex-partners or any other potential issues. Having agreed-upon boundaries can help prevent similar problems in the future.

Self-Reflection: Reflect on your own feelings and needs in the relationship. Are you comfortable with the idea of moving forward and working through this? It's essential to prioritize your own well-being and happiness.

Seek Support: Consider seeking advice or support from trusted friends or a relationship counselor. They can provide valuable perspectives and guidance during challenging times.

Time and Patience: Rebuilding trust doesn't happen overnight. It takes time, patience, and consistent effort from both partners. Be prepared for ups and downs along the way.

Forgiveness: Forgiveness can be a powerful step in healing a relationship. It doesn't mean forgetting what happened, but it allows both of you to move forward without carrying the burden of past mistakes.

Ultimately, the decision of whether to continue the relationship or move on is a deeply personal one. Trust your instincts and prioritize your own happiness and well-being. It's essential to choose a path that feels right for you and aligns with your values and needs in a relationship.

[Joey96]

An update if anyone is interested:

We broke up earlier this month, and I was convinced to remain friends, which was short lived and I broke that off today. I made a post about it. I think my choices have been the right ones, but it still sucks. I'll be ok though. 

Thanks to everyone who offered assistance.