Absolutely broken

[Ryanthompson]

In November of 2022, I found myself involved with a married man. He was a really good friend of mine but things quickly took a turn into something else. He told me he didn’t love his wife and he had never felt this way about someone before like he felt for me.

We started a relationship with the understanding that he would end his marriage once his wife’s father passed away since it would be soon. He told me I was who he was meant to be with, we had plans to get married, have kids of our own, I met his son, I slept at their house when she was gone, we were so in love. 
 

Her dad died. He told me he was filing the next week. Then she caught us. And he told me he had been trying to figure out how to end things with me. He told me he never cared about me. He never loved me. It was all a lie. He now says he had to say those things or she would have told him to leave and he is only staying because he needs to know he tried for his son. 
 

I feel so lost and empty. I’m trying to move on but he keeps telling me how hard this is for him. He told me yesterday he wish he was dead and that he’s been a wreck. I just don’t know what to do.  

[Wiseman2]

How did his wife catch you? Is it possible she's sending these messages or standing behind him while he's talking or texting? Either way, this snake threw you under the bus to save his butt. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

[S2B]

Well, he is still with her - so that tells you that is where he intends to be.

the guy lies. He lies to try and keep two women at one time.

he is not a good guy… try counseling to get past him/this. He isn’t the guy you thought he was. He will use you further if you allow it.

[Ryanthompson]

He got caught because she had his cars app on her phone and saw his car at my house. When we broke up she was in the room while he talked to me. We work together. We sit next to each other. I have his number blocked and everything since she has access to his phone now but I can’t block him from work. That’s how he has been able to communicate with me. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Ryanthompson said:

I just don’t know what to do.  

You find yourself a good counsellor and you begin the process of rebuilding your own life… at least, that’s what I would do.

You can’t trust this man. He has shown you that - he has made promises to both you and his wife/family that he has betrayed and disrespected. You would be very unwise to trust him at this point, given what you know now.

3 hours ago, Ryanthompson said:

I met his son, I slept at their house when she was gone

This is particularly egregious. Just imagine for a moment that you are married and share children together - that he would introduce your children to another woman and allow that woman to sleep in your bed. 

That is such a betrayal of his wife’s trust - there is literally nothing that she could ever do that would warrant such disrespect from the man that she has trusted more than any other - to be her partner, to have her back. This crosses a line that many in an affair will not cross - they will at the very least give their spouses the respect not to bring their affair partner into their home/meet their children. 

Even if she does leave him and he finds himself single - I would advise you to stay far, far away… This is too messy and he is not a man to be trusted in any way.

35 minutes ago, Ryanthompson said:

I can’t block him from work. That’s how he has been able to communicate with me.

You need to find another job. You can not work together anymore, I’m surprised that she hasn’t demanded that he look for another job as a condition of their reconciliation.

I’m very sorry that this has happened. Unfortunately, you made a very poor decision and trusted unwisely. All you can do now is learn from this experience and find a new path…

Edited October 1, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Ryanthompson said:

He told me yesterday he wish he was dead and that he’s been a wreck.

It goes without saying, but you are not responsible for his mental health. He is a big boy, he has made his own decisions and he (like you) will now deal with the consequences of his decisions… If he is a wreck, he can consult a physician, get a counsellor, or turn to his family and friends - you are not in any position to help him at this point. 

Despite what he may think, it’s not all about him.

The other thing that needs to be said, when people say these kinds of things when a relationship is not doing well/has just ended, it’s not always a cry for help. Sometimes, it little more than a manipulation tactic. He does not guilt you into continuing the relationship/offering emotional support by threatening to end his life (I wish I was dead). If he says this again, you tell him to seek medical assistance or call a crisis line.

Edited October 1, 2023 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

OP, to help contextualize this, may I ask whether you are male or female? Ryan is typically a male name and perhaps part of the story here is that your MM isn't fully ready to come out?

At any rate the sad reality is that "dumping" for practical reasons is quite common and happens in all kinds of relationships. It's certainly not limited to just affairs. Sad that it happened to you, but you might recognize that, as this sort of thing happens every day, there will be others out there looking to recover. Like the vast majority of them, once you've taken some time to process this emotionally, you'll be ready to move to hopefully a better partner for you.

[Ryanthompson]

37 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

OP, to help contextualize this, may I ask whether you are male or female? Ryan is typically a male name and perhaps part of the story here is that your MM isn't fully ready to come out?

At any rate the sad reality is that "dumping" for practical reasons is quite common and happens in all kinds of relationships. It's certainly not limited to just affairs. Sad that it happened to you, but you might recognize that, as this sort of thing happens every day, there will be others out there looking to recover. Like the vast majority of them, once you've taken some time to process this emotionally, you'll be ready to move to hopefully a better partner for you.

I am a female. It’s just a throw away account. The name means nothing. 

[stillafool]

14 minutes ago, Ryanthompson said:

I am a female. It’s just a throw away account. The name means nothing. 

It does to the forum so we will know if we are addressing a man or a woman.  It affects opinions.

Edited October 2, 2023 by stillafool

[d0nnivain]

I'd suggest he get counseling.  Heck call her if you genuinely think he's suicidal.  

 

Otherwise start sending out your resume.  It's time for you to get a new job.  You shouldn't have to keep sitting next to him at work.  That is just too painful for you.  

[Wiseman2]

On 10/1/2023 at 10:34 AM, Ryanthompson said:

 he keeps telling me how hard this is for him. He told me yesterday he wish he was dead and that he’s been a wreck.

He threw you under the bus and now wants you to feel sorry for him? Stop talking to him at work. If he's upset he got caught cheating, let him pay for a therapist rather than cry on your shoulder. 

[Starswillshine]

So he was filing for divorce the following week, but when she found out about the affair, now he wants to save the marriage? 

You need to step back and ask yourself why YOU were ok with sleeping in another woman's house, in her bed, with her child around.... that seems so low to me. 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 10/1/2023 at 4:34 PM, Ryanthompson said:

I just don’t know what to do.  

Try to come to terms with the fact that this fantasy life you two were imagning was just that - a fantasy. Not reality. He was not being sincere with you. 

On 10/1/2023 at 4:34 PM, Ryanthompson said:

I met his son, I slept at their house when she was gone

This is awful. The poor kid, and the poor wife. You would very naive and foolish to think a real relationship would be possible with a man who sinks to this level. 

[stillafool]

On 10/1/2023 at 10:34 AM, Ryanthompson said:

I met his son, I slept at their house when she was gone, we were so in love. 

I think he's rotten to let you sleep in his wife's bed and interact with their son knowing you are a mistress.  I also don't know how you got the balls to do such a thing, did it make you feel proud?   I hope you make better choices going forward.