My ex- broke up with me, but she reaches out to me.

[Melvinthethird]

Hello everyone, this is my first post here, and I'm seeking some insights and advice regarding a recent relationship experience. To provide a clear understanding, I'll present the situation in a more organized timeline.

My Background: I'm in my early 40M and am an extrovert. I have dated four women in my life, and I believe I lack relationship experience. However, I work on personal growth and relationship building, even though it's challenging given my profession's demand for emotional detachment (law enforcement). I have a life coach and therapist, and I'm actively reading books on communication, including "Non-Violent Communication" by Marshall Rosenberg and Gottman's books. I have a secure attachment style with a splash of anxious attachment style.

Her Background: She is early 40s. She explained to me that she went on 50 dates before she met me. She is an introvert. She has explained to me that she struggles with conflict and her typical reaction is to run (possible avoidant attachment style). 

Meeting Sarah:

• Sarah and I met via an online dating app in early February. We both have no desire for children, but we differ in our extrovert/introvert preferences.
• Initially, we saw each other once a week and gradually increased to twice/three times a week as our relationship progressed. 
• We texted throughout the day, considering our busy work schedules.

Events by Month:

• February to March: We started slowly with intimacy, and our dates became more frequent. We had sex about a month and a half after meeting.
• April: We went on a weekend road trip, where she questioned my tendency to overshare personal information with strangers. 
• May: During another weekend camping trip, we exchanged "I love you" for the first time. She again mentioned my oversharing but didn't explain her discomfort.
• End of July to mid-August: We traveled to Europe together for two weeks. She brought up the oversharing issue again, and she also suggested moving in together due to her housing situation.
• (Saturday after return) We returned from Europe on Saturday and parted at the airport and took separate rideshares. We parted hugging, kissing and stating our love for one another.
• (Sunday after return) We were both jet lagged and text messaged one another how much fun we had, how the vacation was great and how we loved one another.
• (Monday after return) She called me on the phone decided we shouldn't rush into moving in together. I explained that I was okay with this and that she had put this pressure on herself.
• (Thursday) A few days later, we had a conversation about our relationship, and she broke up with me, citing my lack of confidence and oversharing as the main reasons.
• (Friday) I sought clarification via email but received the same reasons. I explained to her why I shared personal information and my history from childhood to adulthood (moving around a lot as a kid, etc.), but she replied that I was just telling her old information she already knew.

Post-Breakup:

• (Meeting 1) We didn't communicate, but she reached out nearly two weeks later, wanting to talk.
• We met, talked, and both expressed our feelings. She needed more time, and I agreed to give her space.
• (Meeting 2, two days after Meeting 1) She contacted me again, suggesting another meeting, but only to clarify that she needed more time and space. This time she explained that she had “good news,” meaning that there was a possibility to rekindle the romantic relationship and that neither of us were just interested in being friends. It was either try again with time or a complete disconnect. She also explained that the oversharing was part of the problem, but the fact that I did not change and she felt ignored which brought about childhood trauma of her parents ignoring me. I explained to her that she had never shared this information with me and, because I did not know how she was feeling, I was completely unaware.
• I refrained from initiating contact, and she reached out again three weeks later (yesterday).

Recent Meeting (Yesterday):

• We met for three hours, had a positive conversation, and enjoyed each other's company. She laughed a lot. I touched her leg a few times, much like our first date. I did not ask to hold her hand. 
• She mentioned that I used to message her frequently during our relationship, though she didn't find it needy but rather unnecessary given her independence.
• I explained to her that I was concerned about how she was feeling during our relationship, but that because she did not let me know and only kept her thoughts in her head until they were "fully cooked," that by the time I learned about conflict, she had already made up her mind. Hence how quickly the breakup happened for me, yet she had been having doubts about the relationship on the second week of our vacation. Something I was completely unaware of.
• We parted on a positive note, with her suggesting we meet again in two weeks. She thanked me for being vulnerable, making her laugh and not putting expectations on her.

My Actions Throughout:

• I always maintained chivalry, showing affection through gestures like opening car doors, random forehead kisses, and thoughtful gifts.
• She had explained that no man had ever been as nice/kind to her as I was. She had previously been with men that were verbally, physically, emotionally and financially abusive with her. During our trip I had bought her some jewelry that she really liked and her gratitude to me seemed muted. She explained that no man had ever done that and she did not know how to react.
• She asked me multiple times during our relationship if I felt she was showing me as much love as I showed her. During our recent meeting, I brought this up and asked her why she would ask me this question. Was it her looking for validation from me? Was it guilt that she was feeling? Etc. She was unable to answer.

I understand that relationships are complex, and I might be all over the place with this long message. I love her and she is the best woman that I’ve dated. I believe we have a communications problem. I explained to her if we started dating that I would pay for couples counseling if she was willing to go. I would appreciate any input or suggestions you might have. My plan is not to message her, live my life, become a better man from the experience, have no expectations or negative feelings towards her (she opened my eyes to something I do that I can improve from). I would very much like to go back to how things were, but I am confident enough that I know time will either bring us together or separate us for good.

 

Thank you for taking the time to read and offer your insights. I'm happy to answer any questions. I just figured I would cloud-source to add to the input I receive from friends and family.

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Melvinthethird said:

•  She called me on the phone decided we shouldn't rush into moving in together. A few days later, we had a conversation about our relationship, and she broke up with me, citing my lack of confidence and oversharing as the main reasons.

Sorry this is happening. How long were you together? When was moving in together brought up and why? Who would move into where? 

What was the actual breakup about?  

Unfortunately dragging out the breakup like this seems to be hurting you and more like attempts to reconcile and convince her.

Please try to step back and reflect and give her space. Please don't reach out. Let the dust settle and try to get some peace.

[Melvinthethird]

Thank you for your compassion. We were together since February until mid -August (about six months). She had brought up moving together to a new place around June because her landlord was selling the place she was renting. I would have moved in with her and we would have split rent on a house. 
 

The break up was basically about her perceiving that I lack confidence because I overshare, which I would later learn was her feeling ignored because I wasn’t attuned to her questioning me about oversharing which made her feel ignored. Basically, we were not communicating how each other was feeling. By the time I knew the real issue, she had already broken up with me. 
 

I agree with you that I need time, but I also want her and I to try at a relationship when we are both sharing. It’s been about a month and a half now and she will reach out to me, even though she has asked for ‘no contact.’ Given the ‘date’ we had yesterday, it seems like she is receptive to another attempt but at a much slower pace. A pace of limited contact, which seems an odd way of a second attempt. I was considering calling her next Friday to touch base, which would be the half way point between her mentioned second date two weeks from yesterday. 

 

After our meeting, it seemed like we were making a second attempt with a slowed pace. We had discussed neither of us wanting to be just friends and if it were just that, we would not contact one another. As she has reached out to me, how well we instantly clicked, the minor physicality, her thanking me for asking her on a second ‘date,’ I believe she wants to try again. I feel like by abiding by her request for space I am showing my confidence to be able to follow parameters she has requested to feel heard. Am I reading this all wrong?

[Lotsgoingon]

The first thing I notice is that she is the actor and you are the re-actor. In other words, you react to her and you ARE trying to make her happy. Nothing technically wrong with that, but I don't see her effort in making your happiness a priority.

In other words, you need to take a stand. Why put up with someone who thinks you overshare? And to help us understand, what do you share? Sharing about personal life can be desperate or it could be super confident and open and charming. If that's your thing, why are you continuing to be interested in someone who criticizes that part of yourself?

Why meet with her simply because SHE wants to meet? Dude, I don't see you as a full character. You're like a sidekick. If this were a movie, you wouldn't be the co-star, which you need to be. You wouldn't even be the supporting character. You're more of a side kick. Step up and set some standards and some requirements and ask for what you want in this relationship and make the honest judgement about whether this woman can give you what you want.

Shockingly, amazingly, this woman DOES get the nub of things and equally shocking and amazing, you dismiss her insight. 

She asked me multiple times during our relationship if I felt she was showing me as much love as I showed her. Dude, a person only asks this question if they KNOW they aren't giving as much as they are receiving. They only ask this question if your over-giving is wildly obvious. And what do you say in response? You say you don't understand what she means!  What do you mean you don't understand? I'm reading this at a distance and I totally understand she's saying and asking.  She's saying you clearly make more of an effort than she does and that you clearly prioritize being nice and open to her more than she prioritizes being nice and open to you.  She is making a bold and piercing confession and asking the right question.

Now, the truth is that if she were really interested in you, she wouldn't make the observation and ask the question. She'd be too busy hustling and scrambling to even things out, to give a lot more to you. 

Holding doors is fine. Stop the gift giving. Only women who are idiots change their romantic opinion about a guy based on gift giving--other than amazingly precise and specifically designed gifts for her interests, but that would only come much further into the relationship. 

Stop the gift giving. YOU (time with you) is the gift. If that's not enough, then you move on. Again, only teenagers should change their mind based on flowers or a watch. That kind of gift giving says nothing about how the two people will relate and it says nothing about who you are and your real interests. 

Another huge red flag is that she says you are the man who has treatest her the best so far in her entire life. She had previously been with men that were verbally, physically, emotionally and financially abusive with her. Now most likely you're feeling sorry for her, which is fine if you're a friend. But as a potential dating partner, the question you want to ask is, why?! Why did she get involved with such no-good people? Either her social skills are at the level of a juvenile or she has little respect for herself or/and she has some attraction and comfort with guys who treat her like dirt. 

You're hearing her comments as Oh, she really appreciates how kind I am. That's what you're thinking. But you don't  want "appreciating" of kindness to be the driving force. You want her to be primitively attracted to you and not attracted because unlike ten previous scoundrels, you're a good guy. You want her to be more giving and open and less fickle and flakey, and more stable.  You want her attracted to you and your interests and your way of seeing the world along with your body and personality. So your game of being the "special guy" who treats her with such respect--that's the "nice guy game" that is much criticized because the niceness isn't done based on values or principles. The niceness is itself a selfish dating strategy. t's a terrible strategy, disastrous. Truly kind and confident people wouldn't waste their gift giving or time on such a fickle person But nice guys THINK it will win women over. It doesn't. Again, you are invisible and passive when you're in this "nice guy" role. 

The goal isn't be a jerk, but to be more self concerned and more clear and demanding about what you want in a relationship. The goal is to be able to smartly discern if someone is really a good fit for you and when they are not, you move on. Focus on what YOU think, what YOU feel and be honest here. Her behavior has to disappoint you and frustrate you and annoy you and perhaps anger you. Step up and speak all that! 

Better yet, put on your running shoes and get away from this emotional vampire. I'm sure she has lots of attractive qualities. But being in relationship with you ain't one of them. 

 

 

[basil67]

45 minutes ago, Melvinthethird said:

The break up was basically about her perceiving that I lack confidence because I overshare, which I would later learn was her feeling ignored because I wasn’t attuned to her questioning me about oversharing which made her feel ignored.

 I think she's the one who's lacking in confidence here and she was projecting.  People who lack confidence don't make conversation with strangers.  People who lack confidence don't share because they are afraid of being judged or criticised.   From where I'm sitting, I think she had it backwards. 

Out of curiosity, what kind of comments did she consider to be "oversharing"?

On her history of being only in abusive relationships, yes, I too wonder why she'd only been in them before.  That said, it could equally be that she is the type to think that all those who didn't do things her way were abusive.   And I wonder if she will (unfairly!!) add you to the list of those who have abused her.   Either way, someone who only knows abuse is someone with a whole lot of red flags

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Melvinthethird said:

 She had brought up moving together to a new place around June because her landlord was selling the place she was renting.

Unfortunately this is way too much way to soon.  After 28 weeks dating you're seeing a lot of incompatibilities. It appears she feels suffocated and it seems like she warned you several times that you talk about yourself, your childhood, your past, etc. too much.

"Over sharing". It's fine to be an open transparent person but dating is not therapy and TMI can become uncomfortable for people. Strive for a balance when it comes to conversation and sharing.

Try to let go, don't try to stay friends or reconcile. She seems a bit flaky and self absorbed. Either way, you attempted to make it work, but these continual postmortem meetings and discussions seem to not be getting anywhere.

Edited October 1, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Maldives]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

The first thing I notice is that she is the actor and you are the re-actor. In other words, you react to her and you ARE trying to make her happy. Nothing technically wrong with that, but I don't see her effort in making your happiness a priority.

In other words, you need to take a stand. Why put up with someone who thinks you overshare? And to help us understand, what do you share? Sharing about personal life can be desperate or it could be super confident and open and charming. If that's your thing, why are you continuing to be interested in someone who criticizes that part of yourself?

Why meet with her simply because SHE wants to meet? Dude, I don't see you as a full character. You're like a sidekick. If this were a movie, you wouldn't be the co-star, which you need to be. You wouldn't even be the supporting character. You're more of a side kick. Step up and set some standards and some requirements and ask for what you want in this relationship and make the honest judgement about whether this woman can give you what you want.

Shockingly, amazingly, this woman DOES get the nub of things and equally shocking and amazing, you dismiss her insight. 

She asked me multiple times during our relationship if I felt she was showing me as much love as I showed her. Dude, a person only asks this question if they KNOW they aren't giving as much as they are receiving. They only ask this question if your over-giving is wildly obvious. And what do you say in response? You say you don't understand what she means!  What do you mean you don't understand? I'm reading this at a distance and I totally understand she's saying and asking.  She's saying you clearly make more of an effort than she does and that you clearly prioritize being nice and open to her more than she prioritizes being nice and open to you.  She is making a bold and piercing confession and asking the right question.

Now, the truth is that if she were really interested in you, she wouldn't make the observation and ask the question. She'd be too busy hustling and scrambling to even things out, to give a lot more to you. 

Holding doors is fine. Stop the gift giving. Only women who are idiots change their romantic opinion about a guy based on gift giving--other than amazingly precise and specifically designed gifts for her interests, but that would only come much further into the relationship. 

Stop the gift giving. YOU (time with you) is the gift. If that's not enough, then you move on. Again, only teenagers should change their mind based on flowers or a watch. That kind of gift giving says nothing about how the two people will relate and it says nothing about who you are and your real interests. 

Another huge red flag is that she says you are the man who has treatest her the best so far in her entire life. She had previously been with men that were verbally, physically, emotionally and financially abusive with her. Now most likely you're feeling sorry for her, which is fine if you're a friend. But as a potential dating partner, the question you want to ask is, why?! Why did she get involved with such no-good people? Either her social skills are at the level of a juvenile or she has little respect for herself or/and she has some attraction and comfort with guys who treat her like dirt. 

You're hearing her comments as Oh, she really appreciates how kind I am. That's what you're thinking. But you don't  want "appreciating" of kindness to be the driving force. You want her to be primitively attracted to you and not attracted because unlike ten previous scoundrels, you're a good guy. You want her to be more giving and open and less fickle and flakey, and more stable.  You want her attracted to you and your interests and your way of seeing the world along with your body and personality. So your game of being the "special guy" who treats her with such respect--that's the "nice guy game" that is much criticized because the niceness isn't done based on values or principles. The niceness is itself a selfish dating strategy. t's a terrible strategy, disastrous. Truly kind and confident people wouldn't waste their gift giving or time on such a fickle person But nice guys THINK it will win women over. It doesn't. Again, you are invisible and passive when you're in this "nice guy" role. 

The goal isn't be a jerk, but to be more self concerned and more clear and demanding about what you want in a relationship. The goal is to be able to smartly discern if someone is really a good fit for you and when they are not, you move on. Focus on what YOU think, what YOU feel and be honest here. Her behavior has to disappoint you and frustrate you and annoy you and perhaps anger you. Step up and speak all that! 

Better yet, put on your running shoes and get away from this emotional vampire. I'm sure she has lots of attractive qualities. But being in relationship with you ain't one of them. 

 

 

100 percent agree with above very well put 👍👍

[Melvinthethird]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

Out of curiosity, what kind of comments did she consider to be "oversharing"?

I work in law enforcement. Its common for people to ask what people do for work. When I answered, people were very curious and would ask me lots of questions. I've noticed during the time that we date, Sarah would not really talk to people and would hang out next to me as I socialized with them. I would always try to involve her in the conversations, but she would typically be quiet. The oversharing that I did was not what the average person would consider oversharing. Examples would be, "Where are you from?" "What do you do for work?" and the like, but with strangers. I am very comfortable talking with strangers and building rapport quickly. I've also learned that I would rather be interested, than interesting. I understand a decent amount of human psychology, but I wanted to come to these forums to see if my thinking was inline with strangers insight of me.

3 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Why meet with her simply because SHE wants to meet? Dude, I don't see you as a full character. You're like a sidekick. If this were a movie, you wouldn't be the co-star, which you need to be. You wouldn't even be the supporting character. You're more of a side kick. Step up and set some standards and some requirements and ask for what you want in this relationship and make the honest judgement about whether this woman can give you what you want.

Shockingly, amazingly, this woman DOES get the nub of things and equally shocking and amazing, you dismiss her insight. 

She asked me multiple times during our relationship if I felt she was showing me as much love as I showed her. Dude, a person only asks this question if they KNOW they aren't giving as much as they are receiving. They only ask this question if your over-giving is wildly obvious. And what do you say in response? You say you don't understand what she means!  What do you mean you don't understand? I'm reading this at a distance and I totally understand she's saying and asking.  She's saying you clearly make more of an effort than she does and that you clearly prioritize being nice and open to her more than she prioritizes being nice and open to you.  She is making a bold and piercing confession and asking the right question.

Now, the truth is that if she were really interested in you, she wouldn't make the observation and ask the question. She'd be too busy hustling and scrambling to even things out, to give a lot more to you.

This is very on point information. I don't know if I am a people pleaser, but I certainly wanted to show my affection and love to a woman I had strong feelings for. You're right that I dismissed her insight. I do not feel that I was over giving, but if I was, I sure could use examples of how not to overshare. Limiting the love that you show someone (within normal boundaries and not assuming an overt 'on bended knee' approach to love), seems counter intuitive to me. My parents have been married for 50 years and they regularly show the same affection that I would show Sarah. 

 

How should I proceed now? Sarah mentioned the next time we could meet was in two weeks. Accepting this seems like a 'nice guy' tactic. Should I just wait the two weeks and one our next 'date' establish my needs, wants and desires? Or should I give her a call tomorrow and explain these things to her without delay? 

 

Edited October 2, 2023 by Melvinthethird

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Melvinthethird said:

 Sarah mentioned the next time we could meet was in two weeks. Or should I give her a call tomorrow and explain these things to her without delay? 

Try to respect her boundaries. Please step away. Don't worry about "nice guy" tactics, worry about staying in your own lane. 

[glows]

She comes across as very uptight and insecure with next to zero socialization skills and socially underdeveloped. I don’t think it’s fair to say that this is a product of being “introverted”. I am introverted but am also able to connect and hold a basic conversation about general items. She seems unnerved that you were willing to share yourself with others which also has a controlling neurotic streak. This is a woman you couldn’t be yourself around and she still finds fault with you.

Why you actually believe there’s something here worth pursuing boggles the mind. You have a good job/career, appear to have ample free time and are well rounded with adequate social skills and you pick a woman like this.

[Gaeta]

It's not normal to have all these issues after 6 months dating. And no, therapy is not an option. If it doesn't work this early in the game you break up! Therapy is for long term partners, married couples, people with children. 

We date to figure out if we are compatible, you're not.

She sounds like an unpleasant woman who sucks the life out of things!  So you like people and like to engage with them, l think it's a beautiful quality! 

Now, this thing about meeting you each 2 weeks and dangling in front of you a possible rekindle of the relationship is cruel  and absolute selfishness! She is playing with you like a cat with a mouse. This is not a kind person. She is not in love with you. People in love cannot dismiss the other person like that.

You do nothing. When she contact you again tell her you're done with her and to not contact you again.

I hope she paid her share of that trip to europe. 

Edited October 2, 2023 by Gaeta

[Lotsgoingon]

So next steps:

First, you want to embrace your gifts, or as folks say these days, your superpowers. Sounds like the extroverted thing is one of your gifts. It's funny: that's one of my impressions of a lot of folks in law enforcement: that they can talk to strangers with some ease. So you want someone who LOVES that side of you even if they are introverted. There are plenty of introverts who totally appreciate and admire the social skills and social greetings that their partners make going out into the world. And even if the introvert feels a bit worn down by the extrovert’s energy, they won’t attack or criticize the extrovert. If they do, they are in the wrong relationship.

BTW: I love talking to people I interact with. And there's research coming out, a pretty big body of it, that says those "little" social interactions can actually bring a lot of happiness and joy and ease to our lives. She's calling your friendliness and banter insecure. That's a red flag. You don't want to convince someone to like or appreciate your style. No, you are looking to find someone who already appreciates and admires your style. You don’t even want someone “neutral” and this woman isn’t even “neutral.” You want someone directly, openly positive about your way.

Two dating is like friendship. How do we become friends with someone? We become friends through this gradual, incremental process and basically that process is I enjoy hanging with you and you enjoy hanging with me. I invite you out and you with joy agree to hang out with me. And then you invite me out and I with joy agree to hang with you. And each of us enjoys the hanging out with the other. That's sorta the external side. The more internal dynamic of friendship is I share something vulnerable and open with you and you take it in with lots of comfort and understanding. And you share someone open and vulnerable to me. And I take it in with comfort and understanding. Laughter is one way friends indicate they are comfortable. Lots of folks (including extroverts) do their vulnerability through funny stories (men often express their vulnerability through funny stories). But the dynamic is mutual. If you don't contact a friend for a bit, a real friend (or someone who could be a real friend) will take the initiative to contact you. You treat the friend to a dinner or some event. That friend will look for how they can reciprocate and treat you to a night out.

Dating is much the same with some differences of course. But basically you express your interest and early on, and you want it to be limited interest. Again, we do this naturally with friends. We don't ask a friend to visit our home the first time. We don’t even tell our real life story the first times. We may simply say, "hey, wanna go grab lunch?" If lunch is good, then the friends keeps going. Same with dating. You express an interest and you wait. Someone interested in us will match our interest. Easily! We won't have to persuade them or even work hard to fit into their schedule. They will open up their schedule to make themselves available. If the person does not pretty immediately express their mutual interest, we don't go further. You move on. They are not for us.

In your case, sounds like you can pay much more attention to your feelings and your body when you're out with this woman for example. It HAS TO BE annoying or demoralizing for someone to put you down, accuse you of being insecure, because you're an extrovert asking someone where they are from. God, I have a great cafe on the corner, and recently they've gone through a massive shift in workers. Workers stay there a long time. Well, for whatever reason, the previous cohort of young people have moved on and there's a new group working the cafe. Yeah, I sorta miss the old ones who I got to know so well over time. But I am having such a blast gradually getting to know those new folks. I banter and chat like you do. I would NEVER date a woman who criticized that in some way. 

Look, we live in a world with a lot of selfish and self-absorbed people. That said, sounds to me like you're one of those folks (I've been one) who needs to be more selfish. Not predatory exploitative selfish. Not steal from others or insult others selfish. But you want to be looking for people who GET you. And admire you who give you the level of attention that you give this woman. And in the early days, praise you and your ways. Seems to me that you must be ignoring the discomfort this woman creates when you're' out with her. You might be from a family where you had to fit around others who largely (though probably politely) ignored you. You might have turned this fitting in around others into a survival strategy. There can be a good side to that tendency, but NOT IN DATING! 

And I'm sorry: children are terrible, awful judges of their parents' marriages. For one, we don’t want to acknowledge the sexual attraction that was a large part of the reason our parents got together in the first place. And if dad is a jerk to mom, who REALLY wants to see that honestly? So you don't want to believe you really understand their marriage. But if you're going to observe your parents, you should see both of them hustling to be kind and open and giving to the other. Make sure you see that going on. And if you do, then you're NOT following their model. Maybe there’s an imbalance there that you are overlooking and unfortunately imitating.

Final point: most dates with people should NOT work, should not result in relationships, because we are looking for the quirky specific people who connect with us and who get us. Most people in the world--for whatever random reasons, don't connect romantically with each other. So you want to stop seeing every woman out there, every single and unattached woman, as a possibility. Just do your extrovert thing if you see someone you find some interest in. And then chill and let her come to you. If she gets you and is available, she’ll come to you after you express your interest. You don’t have to work so hard. The hard work is a sign that you’re doing it wrong.  

I hope that helps. I speak as someone who used to act as you act with women. I learned through lots of experience that I was spending all kinds of time and energy going after women who weren’t my type and ignoring the interest of wonderful women who got me. I had to flip that and it’s been so much fun to do so.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

This woman is a lot of work. 

I wouldn't bother trying to revive this, OP. She has too many issues of her own and she's not properly addressing them. Rather, she's blaming you for how this has turned out.  She is not ready for a relationship at this point. 

I would let her go. You two are not a match at all. 

[MsJayne]

12 hours ago, Melvinthethird said:

oversharing

This seems to be a big problem for Sarah, what's going on there? Are you a person who meets someone and next thing you're giving them your life story, and want know everything about them? Do you invest too much time in strangers as, maybe, something you're trained to do as a law enforcement officer? 

[Melvinthethird]

Thank you everyone for your input. I feel like I'm just chasing a dopamine high that isn't there anymore. I feel more bad than good when I think of her. That should be a big red flag. You can't fit a round peg in a square hole. I think the signs are all there. The longest journey we will ever take is the 18 inches from our head to our heart. I know what I need to do. I know my value and I disagree with her assessment of me. Thank you to everyone for the uplifting reminder that there are plenty of women out there looking to meet me, no different than there are guys out there that are a match for her. I don't need her controlling attitude, lack of contribution to the relationship, inability to share her emotions, etc. If that's all because she isn't into me anymore, message received. I am an optimist and I thank her for teaching me about myself. The lesson(s) sting, but they will be well remembered because of how badly I felt. 

My journey on the path of meeting the right woman has been bumpy, but every time something didn't work, I learned about myself. For that I am grateful. 

I am also grateful for a community like this helping a newbie just popping in. If anyone has any book they think would help me to read, please let me know and I'll grab it. Thank you again!

Edited October 3, 2023 by Melvinthethird

[Melvinthethird]

19 hours ago, MsJayne said:

This seems to be a big problem for Sarah, what's going on there? Are you a person who meets someone and next thing you're giving them your life story, and want know everything about them? Do you invest too much time in strangers as, maybe, something you're trained to do as a law enforcement officer? 

I do not feel that I overshare, those are her words. I am well practiced at having an even conversation. I provide personal information when asked and, in turn, I ask my own share of questions to learn about them. People tend to share more when you give them information about yourself. It also builds a good conversation.

She does not share information with strangers, much like and I realize now, she wasn’t sharing her feelings with me. In my opinion, she did not do a good job of holding a conversation with a stranger. Often her replies would just be “Okay,” as opposed to acknowledging the comment (listening), and maybe probing with a question. 
 

The more I am disconnected from her, the more I realize the issues were right there in front of me, but I was blind to them. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Melvinthethird said:

If anyone has any book they think would help me to read, please let me know and I'll grab it. 

,“How to Win Friends & Influence People” by Dale Carnegie

[smackie9]

I'm just going to make this simple...you both are incompatible, and have different love languages. Just not a match. Instead of trying to make it work all the time, but rather you should be firm in your expectations, and if they are being met. If someone pushes back and tells you you are over sharing or this or that...you dump them, it's done and over. there was no reason for you to invest in that relationship.

You shouldn't have to question your own personality because someone doesn't like something about you. That's not how it work. You look for compatibility...someone that gets you, like who you are, accepts your quirks, etc. Just because they may find things they don't like about you, doesn't mean you need to dive into a self help book to "fix" something. Screw that. I think you have done enough self improvement. This is about finding the right person for you. You are going to meet plenty that are not right for you...it only takes one to be the right one.