My partner's son keeps on waking him up at night!

[Lorenza]

My Bf (in his 40s) is having issues with his 6 year old after switching him from co-sleeping (yup, his son has been co-sleeping with both of his parents after their divorce as both parents found comfort in it. It's not uncommon in this country, but definitely not the best thing to do) to sleeping in his own bed in his room. So despite a rock solid sleeping routine of always going to sleep at the same time, no gaming right before bed (although he's allowed to watch cartoons), eating some healthy snacks before bed and then reading night time books and listening to some calming tunes on the phone together with dad, his son is waking up several time per night, coming to his dad's room and waking his dad up to ask him to come and lay down with him so that he can fall back asleep. My boyfriend usually has him 50% of the time, but due to the boy's mother currently going through chemo, he's at my boyfriend's most of the time, so my boyfriend is sleep deprived and his mental health is spiraling down due to that. He's feeling tired and isolated with this issue, while also understanding that going back to co-sleeping is not an option. Some days his son sleeps through the whole night, but most often he will either wake up a couple of times during the night or way too early in the morning. My boyfriend is seriously struggling at the moment. If I'm at their place when this happens, I usually sleep through it cause I'm using earplugs. 

From what I read, co-sleeping has probably resulted in the boy not having any self-soothing skills, like putting himself to sleep when he wakes up at night or too early in the morning. Instead of trying to fall asleep he is now expecting a reaction from his dad and his night time waking has now became a social thing between the two, all while the issue of lacking skills to fall asleep on his own are being perpetuated by dad rushing to sooth him (he rocks him to sleep, puts on calming music etc, which I think it's way overdue for a child who just started school). He agrees with all that, but struggles with a sense of guilt. The switch from co-sleeping to separate sleeping was done on the same day his son started school, so that it can be explained to the boy that "big children who go to school don't sleep with their parents", but he still sleeps with his mom when he goes to her, which is now more rarely cause she has no energy from her chemo and didn't want to deal with the challenges of switching him to separate sleeping. 

I advised my boyfriend to give less and less of a reaction, to gradually stop laying down with his son and just sit on a chair next to his wake. From what I read, he should be at a point where he should just guide his son back to his bed, kiss him goodnight and leave. According to all the articles I've read, there should be as little reaction as possible and the getting up time should be when dad wakes him in the morning and not the opposite. But I think it would be helpful for my boyfriend to read how others dealt with this and what they think. I will be showing this post to him. How did you/would you deal with this? I also think the calming tunes they listen to when he's falling to sleep might also be a problem, since the boy is dependent on them as well and has no access to them on his own when he wakes (and we can't trust a child to not just game the night away if we leave his ipad with him). Opinions are welcome!     

[stillafool]

I agree with everything you said but, in the end that is their child and I'm sure they feel they are doing what is best for him.

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Lorenza said:

 the boy's mother currently going through chemo, he's at my boyfriend's most of the time, 

Sorry this is happening. Has your BF taken him to a pediatrician for advice?

The child must sense things and the mother being ill along with custody changes seems quite traumatic. Perhaps even a child psychologist could help him get adjusted  through this difficult time.

The child seems to be going through a lot of stress with the mother being ill and adjustment to custody changes.

Perhaps you could sleep over less often so the child could adjust to all these stresses without another stress being added? Try to be supportive and do whatever is best for your BFs child. 

Your BF is probably also quite stressed about the child's mother being ill and all the adjustments.

Edited October 2, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Lorenza]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Has your BF taken him to a pediatrician for advice?

The child must sense things and the mother being ill along with custody changes seems quite traumatic. Perhaps even a child psychologist could help him get adjusted  through this difficult time.

The child seems to be going through a lot of stress with the mother being ill and adjustment to custody changes.

Perhaps you could sleep over less often so the child could adjust to all these stresses without another stress being added? Try to be supportive and do whatever is best for your BFs child. 

Your BF is probably also quite stressed about the child's mother being ill and all the adjustments.

The boy is definitely a bit worried about his mom (and the mom has been telling him IN DETAIL what is being done to her), but in general he's a happy well adjusted child and is doing good at school! To be honest it's usually a bit better when I'm over, as in he tends to sleep better when I'm around and wake my boyfriend up a bit more rarely. The boy likes me very very much. But I'm pushing my boyfriend to check with a pediatrician as there might be something like deficiencies etc. My boyfriend has been a bit defensive about actually seeing a doctor

Edited October 2, 2023 by Lorenza

[Lorenza]

19 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I agree with everything you said but, in the end that is their child and I'm sure they feel they are doing what is best for him.

He's unsure of what to do 😕 He's also more irritable and has way less energy for his boy these days and can't wait to catch a break, which makes him feel incredibly guilty. So something must be done about the situation 😕 

[stillafool]

16 minutes ago, Lorenza said:

He's unsure of what to do 😕 He's also more irritable and has way less energy for his boy these days and can't wait to catch a break, which makes him feel incredibly guilty. So something must be done about the situation 😕 

This is a tough time in he and his little boys life.  The child's mother having cancer is very scary for him.   I'm sure that is why he wants to sleep with his parents.  Maybe your bf likes his little boy sleeping with him because he knows he's afraid and may have bad dreams.  I agree that you should try not to sleep over so much or get involved with his parenting.  Let them deal with this the way they see fit or your bf is going to end up resenting you.  

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, Lorenza said:

The boy is definitely a bit worried about his mom (and the mom has been telling him IN DETAIL what is being done to her), 

I expect he's more than "a bit" worried about what's going on with mom

CANCER is a terrifying word. "Cancer" is associated with  death.  Whatever she is or is not telling him, her treatment is obviously causing enough issues that her time with her son has been reduced.

I don't think there would be anything wrong with going back to "co-sleeping" during this difficult time.  If / when the mother gets through the chemo and becomes cancer-free, it can be revisited.  

 

[Lorenza]

1 hour ago, stillafool said:

This is a tough time in he and his little boys life.  The child's mother having cancer is very scary for him.   I'm sure that is why he wants to sleep with his parents.  Maybe your bf likes his little boy sleeping with him because he knows he's afraid and may have bad dreams.  I agree that you should try not to sleep over so much or get involved with his parenting.  Let them deal with this the way they see fit or your bf is going to end up resenting you.  

I don't think it's a right time for me to step away as he will be very sad and with his mom already stepping away to take care of herself and having him over less, he will just feel abandoned by another adult he likes to hang out with. My boyfriend will feel more isolated as well. I'm not there super often as it is and he misses me. 
Otherwise no bad dreams luckily! He just says that he wakes up and can't fall back asleep. But I think it's just that he doesn't know how to on his own. My boyfriend uses aids like relaxing music and he's always there for him at night, so he has not developed a skill to do that himself. When they slept together, it was probably enough for his son to see his dad in the same bed and that was his soothing mechanism.

Edit: by he misses me, I mean his son misses me! He's asking when I will come, so how can I be like - nah, solve this yourselves 

Edited October 2, 2023 by Lorenza

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lorenza said:

. So something must be done about the situation 😕 

It's a sad situation. However the child needs to come first right now so unfortunately your relationship may have to take a back seat. There's nothing for you to do except step aside when necessary and discontinue talking about co-sleeping or bedtime tips. Try to simply be supportive. 

[Lorenza]

1 minute ago, NuevoYorko said:

I expect he's more than "a bit" worried about what's going on with mom

CANCER is a terrifying word. "Cancer" is associated with  death.  Whatever she is or is not telling him, her treatment is obviously causing enough issues that her time with her son has been reduced.

I don't think there would be anything wrong with going back to "co-sleeping" during this difficult time.  If / when the mother gets through the chemo and becomes cancer-free, it can be revisited.  

 

His mother is young and her prognosis is very good. She has lots of nausea from the chemo as she's receiving a strong dose to get rid of cancer in as few sessions as possible, and has no energy to have him full time, but she takes him for walks and dinner. She is also planning to take him for a few days soon, as the side affects are wearing off now before the next session. Nobody is talking about death to the boy and nobody will! She's not going to die. But she has told him a bit too much about the effects of chemo and he is worried. But otherwise he is still acting like his social happy self. 

Hmm, don't you think it can be confusing after how much talk my boyfriend went through about him sleeping alone when school starts? He was preparing him for a couple of months prior to it happening and had talks on how important it is for school children to start being more independent. A couple of first days we were really surprised on how well it went (I, of course, wasn't there when it started happening), but then he started waking up at night. But even when they slept together early awakenings was a problem and I was suggesting he takes his son to the doctor to check him out. 

[Lorenza]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's a sad situation. However the child needs to come first right now so unfortunately your relationship may have to take a back seat. There's nothing for you to do except step aside when necessary and discontinue talking about co-sleeping or bedtime tips. Try to simply be supportive. 

So I shouldn't give advice when he asks me on how to fix it, or how do you mean? I don't see how I'm implying that our relationship needs to be a priority right now? I haven't said much about our relationship at all in this thread  

[Weezy1973]

My wife and I use a white noise machine called a “Hatch”. It has a number of different noises and colours so you can use whatever the child thinks is most soothing. And you can set up a timer that changes the noise or turn it off when it’s time to get up. You can control the whole thing through your phone. It might be worth trying? 

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Lorenza said:

I don't think it's a right time for me to step away as he will be very sad and with his mom already stepping away to take care of herself and having him over less, he will just feel abandoned by another adult he likes to hang out with.

I see, but you are not his mother.  No one can take her place.

1 hour ago, Lorenza said:

My boyfriend uses aids like relaxing music and he's always there for him at night, so he has not developed a skill to do that himself. When they slept together, it was probably enough for his son to see his dad in the same bed and that was his soothing mechanism.

I think what your bf is doing to soothe his son is appropriate.  Whatever can help the little guy is your boyfriend's job.  Your bf may have a hard time and be tired for a while which is natural when a family member has cancer.  You have to provide extra support.  I've been there many times with family members who had cancer.  It's very exhausting and scary.

Edited October 2, 2023 by stillafool

[NuevoYorko]

On 10/2/2023 at 7:48 AM, Lorenza said:

So I shouldn't give advice when he asks me on how to fix it, or how do you mean? 

Your opinions of co-sleeping and the child's lack of "self soothing" mechanisms are clear.   If your bf wants to just let him sleep in the bed for now, it is not actually helpful to him, the kid or your relationship for your thoughts on the matter to be in the mix when such a decision is made.  If your bf wants to do that, and he knows how you feel about it, it will add another layer of stress and this is also why he could end up resenting you.

I'm not sure why the kid does not have access to the soothing music in his own room or why it is supposed to be so important for him to get to sleep with no external aids, especially during this time.  

What kind of cancer does she have?  There are not that many types that are absolutely not potentially terminal,  even for a young person,  if strong chemotherapy is required.  The kid is facing a lot and so is your bf.

Edited October 4, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[stillafool]

On 10/2/2023 at 9:35 AM, Lorenza said:

dit: by he misses me, I mean his son misses me! He's asking when I will come, so how can I be like - nah, solve this yourselves 

Is your boyfriend asking you to solve this problem?  If not, just be supportive and watch how he solves his own problems as a grown man and father.

[Lorenza]

7 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Your opinions of co-sleeping and the child's lack of "self soothing" mechanisms are clear.   If your bf wants to just let him sleep in the bed for now, it is not actually helpful to him, the kid or your relationship for your thoughts on the matter to be in the mix when such a decision is made.  If your bf wants to do that, and he knows how you feel about it, it will add another layer of stress and this is also why he could end up resenting you.

I'm not sure why the kid does not have access to the soothing music in his own room or why it is supposed to be so important for him to get to sleep with no external aids, especially during this time.  

What kind of cancer does she have?  There are not that many types that are absolutely not potentially terminal,  even for a young person,  if strong chemotherapy is required.  The kid is facing a lot and so is your bf.

Either I worded my thread incorrectly or there’s some misunderstanding here. My boyfriend doesn’t want to go back to co-sleeping and has put a lot of work to morally prepare his son to sleep on his own. He absolutely does not want to take steps back. What he would like help with is how to peacefully solve the sleep issue with appropriate parenting techniques, so what i was asking for was other people's experiences with dealing with this. 

The boy doesn't have access to the soothing music because he will just play games the whole night. When my boyfriend left his ipad in his room, he found him playing a couple of hours later. The sound machine controlled by my bf phone sounds like a great idea though. 

His mom has breast cancer. We have free healthcare and she is in the hands of the best clinic in the country. Breast cancer survival rate is over 92%. She explained that they always start with the stronger dose of chemo when the patient is young but adjust if the patient feels too poorly. 

[Lorenza]

3 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Is your boyfriend asking you to solve this problem?  If not, just be supportive and watch how he solves his own problems as a grown man and father.

He’s looking into different resources. I said I could ask online how other people solved similar issues and he said he’d gladly read that. 

[NuevoYorko]

Probably a hybrid approach of your bf staying in the room with his son while the child falls asleep and also the music / sounds is a good plan.   Even if a new device has to be acquired.

Be aware that many many people do not have "self regulation" when it comes to falling asleep and that's not so bad.  I, for example, have had to read myself to sleep most of my life, unless I was physically exhausted.  

Speaking of physical exhaustion, maybe this boy needs more physical activity.   Evidently that's an issue with a lot of children these days, given the amount of "screen time" that many of them have.   Perhaps a way that you could participate in this would be to take him on an outing to a park or something in the afternoons so he could expend some physical energy.  Maybe your bf could slip in a power nap during this time.

 

[BaileyB]

The child is six years old. It’s quite normal for a six year old to wake their parent at night. My six year old niece wakes her parents at night, as did my brother and I at this age. When I met my partner, his son was 12 and he didn’t want me to stay over because his son still came to his bed occasionally at night. 

In this case, I would expect it even more because he has recently moved to his own bed and he is experiencing significant stress right now with his mother’s illness. 

Honestly, I think you have to be patient with this. The primary concern should be the child’s emotional well-being and security.