Can't move on from former coworker crush. Long)

[Theo1011]

Hi everyone. I'm well aware of the fact that nothing romantic is ever going to happen between this former coworker and me, but I need to vent and hear different points of view about what actually happened.

I started at my new job in September 2020, where I met this coworker, let's call him Jason. Jason and I did not along very well during the first four months, nothing significant had happened leading to that, it was more of a "I don't like you as a person" type of thing, so our interactions were strictly limited and only when it was necessary for work-related stuff. He was the one to ignore, avoid and display unfriendly behaviour so I simply decided to ignore him, focus on my work and stay a professional.

During my forth month of working there, a huge fight broke between him and sister (who also worked with us) and this other group of coworkers, with whom they had a tight-knit friendly relationship. I was not involved in this fall out and was supposedly on the neutral side of things. However, when it was my turn to express my opinion on how this situation should be addressed, I took his and his sister's side, because I genuinely thought they were in the right as far as work was concerned, which of course surprised both of them considering they had been quite unfriendly to me. 

After that incident, he come to work to find and talk to me (even though it was his day off) and apologized to me for treating me poorly and misunderstanding me. He specifically said that he had never been so wrong about a person before. I accepted his apology because I appreciated the fact that he was honest and willing to recognize his mistake. From that point on we developed a closer professional relationship, started working together on a regular basis and we really hit it off as coworkers. We also started being more friendly to one another , talking between breaks and sharing more informed about ourselves. What actually surprised me was the fact that he unexpectedly showed up on Christmas day at work just to keep me company for a few hours , even though he probably had much more important things to do , such as spend time with friends and family.

Up to that point I had never shared any information concerning my personal life, neither had I ever told anyone that I was in a relationship at that time. I casually brought it up when talking to his sister a bit later, and during a conversation we were having the next month, his sister told me that Jason had yet to find someone to become romantically involved, and that she wished for him to find someone like me.

Jason did not display any romantic interest toward me  nor did he show any signs of fancying me. 6 months later I broke up with my boyfriend, something which both siblings found out pretty soon, and after four months of trying to move on from this , I started developing an attraction to Jason. I also started developing feelings for him, because I had come to know him quite well through sending a lot of time together at work. Keep in mind that up to this point, we had never met outside work even for coffee.

I was too scared to express my feelings and approach him because I was sure he wasn't interested anymore and that I would  rejected. I never made a move , a decision I apparently regret now. After working together for 18 months , we both quit due to the horrible work conditions , he got a new job in the same city , and I would be moving away 3 hours for a one-year job, but would be back in the city after that. During this period of transitioning to meet jobs, Jason and I would talk a lot on the phone, mostly discussing our new jobs and our future work plans.

He said we should  meet up all three of us (his sister too, considering I had formed a closer friendship with her ), before moving away.The day we quit, was the last time I would be seeing Jason , something neither of us knew at that time, because throughout the next 9 months Jason never showed up when I met with his sister 3-4 times. There was always some excuse such as "he's working late" or he really wanted to come but was really busy . After a while , contact was lost between the two of us and I realized that he maybe he was avoiding me rather than not having the time to join us. 

This really saddened me as I could not understand why he avoid me when we left at such good terms with one another, and hoped that maybe something romantic could happen between us now that we weren't in the same workplace. After 9 months of not seeing , I decided that I had to move on and went on to have a brief three month relationship with another guy, with whom it did not work out eventually. At that time , my one year contract was done and I returned to the city. I bumped into him at a conference , we were both very happy to see one another after such a long time. And that was the moment , I decided to make a move . I very suggestively touched his hand and told him that I wanted to see him, him alone without his sister. I made sure to make it look like I was romantically interested. He said yeah sure, and that he would text me after Easter to arrange the meeting. Long sorry short , he never did. 

I later found out that he had started seeing this girl over the past few months. This is a girl he had known for years as an acquaintance from a common friend group, AKA not someone new he met and fell in love with.

He has an inactive IG account and never posts anything , he just keeps up with this friends using IG, and after I approached him he muted me my stories and posts, which he would always watch previously, even though I never bothered him again nor had I been indiscreet.

We unmuted me after three months , when he saw I was featured in a journal relative to our field, which has a page on IG.

I was absolutely devasted and had to come to terms with the fact that I had forever lost this person, because I was too scared and shy to make a move. What I keep telling myself is that he too could have initiated something with me, but never did. He also obviously decided to stay in the fresh relationship he had recently entered , instead of trying something with me now that I had expressed my interest. 

Why did this person discreetly cut me off for a year? Why did he mute me ? Could he still have feelings for me ? 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited October 2, 2023 by Theo1011

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, Theo1011 said:

Why did this person discreetly cut me off for a year? Why did he mute me ? Could he still have feelings for me ?

Simply because he was not interested in you in a romantic way.  You did make a move on him and were very clear you wanted to spend alone time with him.  He rejected you by not getting in touch after Easter and then blocking you.  I'm sorry you're hurt.

[d0nnivain]

He doesn't have feelings beyond friendship for you, even then it's more an acquaintanceship.   

You didn't click initially.  You grew to be collegial co-workers.  You had a BF.  By the time you were free, you were moving.  The timing was just never right & in that temporal space you grew in different directions.  He may forever be the one who got away but you have to accept that it wasn't meant to be & let go.  Trying to hang on, especially now while he has a GF is only keeping you stuck.  

[Alvi]

OP,  you didn't do anything wrong. He wasn't interested in you that way. Period. He had about a million chances and opportunities to ask you out if he wanted to do so. He knows where to find you. There is absolutely nothing you could've should've would've done. Really, don't waste your time on him. If some time down the road he reaches out to you wanting to take you out on a date (provided that you are single and available) you can deal with it then. But don't build any false hopes in your mind about him at the present. Keep meeting and dating other men.

 

9 hours ago, Theo1011 said:

He specifically said that he had never been so wrong about a person before.

Are you sure you want to date someone like this? He sound like a very poor judge of a character if he says that he had never been wrong about a person before you. That doesn't make sense. I am sure he had been wrong about people in his past and treated them as poorly as he treated you.  He builds up a bias against you in his head for whatever reason and treated you badly  because of that bias. He never even bothered to get to know you as a person before the dislike. He didn't even know you so how can he say what you are all about? I don't know if he would make a good boyfriend material as he looks like my way or highway type of person (or I am always right type of person).

Edited October 3, 2023 by Alvi

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Theo1011 said:

Why did this person discreetly cut me off for a year? Why did he mute me ? 

Sorry this is happening. It's possible he's in a relationship. Try to free yourself and move forward.  

You'll be much happier dating men who are clearly interested and asking you out. Chasing uninterested men is frustrating and fruitless. 

Edited October 3, 2023 by Wiseman2

[glows]

I too didn’t see anywhere that he was attracted to you romantically. I think you may have misunderstood his friendliness as something else ie when he went to visit you at work on Xmas Day and spending time at work together. It also sounds like a fairly terrible work environment with high turnover. Stress causes people to band together and form a camaraderie. I doubt he ever meant to indicate in the slightest that there was ever a chance or that he was ever attracted.

The reason why he lied about getting back to you recently there is because he didn’t want a confrontation. Remember that you both are still professionals regardless if you’re working at the same place. Your circles may overlap and you may meet one another again for work purposes. 

It’s very common to develop strong feelings for people you work with as you see one another every day and spent a lot of time together at work. Maybe in future you’ll be able to anticipate that and also move past this with relative ease? It is okay to feel but stay down to earth about someone’s interest or lack thereof. This man was not ever interested in that way. 

The positive here is that you can free yourself. Don’t stay stuck thinking you could have done things differently. He’s not and likely never was interested.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 10/2/2023 at 4:48 PM, Theo1011 said:

Could he still have feelings for me ?

Kindly, I don't think he ever did. 

On 10/2/2023 at 4:48 PM, Theo1011 said:

had to come to terms with the fact that I had forever lost this person, because I was too scared and shy to make a move

Don't be too hard on yourself, because you never "had" him to begin with. I don't mean to be harsh, but I don't feel you missed an opportunity with him. He doesn't seem to have felt the same way about you, so I don't believe making a move before you did would have changed anything. I'm sorry. It sucks when the interest isn't mutual but I don't think it was ever there on his end.