My boyfriend downloaded dating apps

[TheAnimator999]

my boyfriend and i have been together for over 4 years, he's 28 and i'm 25, this is both of our first proper relationship, we live together, have 2 fur babies, he's very open with his phone and social media etc, always has been, never given me a reason to doubt him, until last week.

we were going through his app store history to find this weight loss app we'd used a few years ago because I wanted to start using it again and couldn't remember the name. we get to end of 2019 on the list and I see some sort of dating app, so I take his phone and scrolled through and saw that he had downloaded a few of these apps in the first year of our relationship. none of them were the mainstream apps like tinder/hinge/bumble, they were all these random apps I'd never heard of. I was so shocked because I never imagined he would've done that.

I make a note of all the names and I download them myself because I want to see what they're about. turns out they are all filled with bots flooding your inbox, girls promoting their OF, or girls looking for sugar daddies, also to actually message and swipe/like/match with anyone you have to buy coins/tokens/hearts, they were all just cash scams basically. he insists he never actually had any intention to cheat, he was just curious to see what the apps entailed because they were unusual looking and that he saw them advertised and wanted to see what it was, rather than seeking them out to use (he streams sports on dodgy streaming websites on his phone and I have seen these type of apps advertised pop ups before) , he pulls up his app store purchase history which shows what apps you've spent money on and there was no money spent on any of them. he was very calm and plainly reiterated that he would never actually try to cheat, if he was unhappy he'd have just left. I told him its hard to believe that given he had downloaded these apps, and he insisted it was a moment of curiosity to see what it looked like, no different than clicking on a website link, then delete straight after.

I don't know how to feel as this was 3 and a half years ago?? he let me go through his phone and there was no more apps downloaded after. he's very insecure and hates having his photo taken, so the thought of him making accounts with his photos on seems so unlikely to me, he doesn't ever take selfies and even on his social media he doesn't post pictures of himself, just our cats and the odd pic of me really. I've always felt like I have no reason to doubt him, he's always been so open with his phone, and when I confronted him he didn't get angry or defensive he just said it how it was. I want to believe him, but its hard to factor in the context and not just take it at face value. I spoke to 2 friends and my mom and they all said that it was so long ago and in the early days of the relationship, and to not get hung up on it now, especially given he didn't do anything/meet anyone/pay to message people, sounds more likely he was just taking a look for the sake of looking and nothing more.

I'm not in denial or being naïve, I'm not just going to blindly believe him because I think that would be stupid, but I'm creating scenarios in my head now that are making me so upset. I don't know what to do.

[d0nnivain]

It was 3.5 almost 4 years ago.  Let it go.  You have become so much stronger since then.  If anything recognize he had options & he CHOSE you!  

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, TheAnimator999 said:

 they are all filled with bots flooding your inbox, girls promoting their OF, or girls looking for sugar daddies, also to actually message and swipe/like/match with anyone you have to buy coins/tokens/hearts, they were all just cash scams basically.  no money spent on any of them. 

He seems to be very transparent including you going through his phone. He is trying to reassure you he downloaded (but never paid for) some weird clickbait app.  Not a dating app. 

Are there other reasons you're this suspicious? You mentioned he uses questionable sports apps? 

[Atwood]

It's really reassuring that he wasn't defensive or angry, let you go through his phone, showed you he had no purchases on the apps etc. I would also try to keep in mind that relationship boundaries can feel looser in the first few months if you haven't talked about them/established a long term commitment. What I mean by this is that he probably saw no harm in downloading the apps just to have a look at what was on there knowing he had no intention of engaging with anyone. He probably knows better now and wouldn't do it as you're clearly long-term/very committed to each other now as the relationship went on. 

I would say that you can sit in the middle: let him know you're hurt and annoyed that he did that at the start of your relationship but that you also recognise he wasn't doing it with any intention to cheat. Ask if you can agree that from now on downloading those kinds of apps is a crossed boundary and something you'd like neither of you to be doing. It's okay to explain to your partner that you've been hurt by something and that you don't need them to admit to a litany of wrongdoings to feel better, you just need to be able to ask for extra reassurance for a little while to allay the anxiety making up scenarios in your head. 

He sounds really understanding and calm - trust him to manage this hurt with you. 

[Rusty78]

To some people it doesn't really matter when an event in the relationship trust can be destroyed, and this sounds like has destroyed your trust in him. You have questioned him and he has been open but this still bothers you. Is it really worth trying to rebuild the trust? It's not fair to yourself to carry this and use it against him in the future, when he has been open about it. Sometimes it's better to start fresh with someone else when the relationship has been damaged  and trust has been destroyed. 

[smackie9]

I think his excuse is pretty legit. Let it go.