Chapin Posted October 3, 2023 Share Posted October 3, 2023 (edited) I am cheating on my husband with a man 30 years my junior. I actually bought into the possibility that this OM wanted a relationship with me. But, he starts to get close for a few weeks and then pulls away and ghosts me. I don’t know if I am in love with him or just in love with the way I feel. He only wants me for sex, right? I have blocked him several times to end this, but always unblock him, and, sure enough, he contacts me and it all starts over again. How do I find the will to end this? Edited October 3, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator clarify title Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted October 3, 2023 Share Posted October 3, 2023 7 minutes ago, Chapin said: .He only wants me for sex, right? How do I find the will to end this? It seems like you're aware it's just for hook-ups. How old is your husband? Are there marital issues you're using this situationship to distract you from? You may be able to end it when you address the reasons it's happening. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 3, 2023 Share Posted October 3, 2023 What makes you think he may be interested in a relationship with you? And why do you think he'd commit to you when you're married to someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 3, 2023 Share Posted October 3, 2023 How long have you been cheating with this guy and what are your ages? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 3, 2023 Share Posted October 3, 2023 You end it through willpower & self control. When you want to end it, it will end. Doesn't really matter. As soon as your husband finds out he will probably divorce you so you might as well get that over with Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted October 3, 2023 Share Posted October 3, 2023 (edited) 17 hours ago, Chapin said: He only wants me for sex, right? Unlikely as there's normally more to a relationship than sex. You do talk and do some things together, no? If you really don't, then perhaps that's all he wants, but TBQH that sounds pretty abnormal for any kind of relationship. Even FWBs have the "friends" part. You find the will to end it the same way you do with anything else. However, it does sound like your marriage must not be meeting some of your needs in important ways for you to "need" this affair in the way you seem to be suggesting. Perhaps some "re-invigoration" of it could help you be happy again, dunno. Edited October 3, 2023 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chapin Posted October 3, 2023 Author Share Posted October 3, 2023 13 hours ago, basil67 said: What makes you think he may be interested in a relationship with you? And why do you think he'd commit to you when you're married to someone else? That is the question. He has made comments that lead me to believe there is interest in a relationship. But, I think I’m being ridiculous. And, of course, you’re right- why would he commit? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chapin Posted October 3, 2023 Author Share Posted October 3, 2023 19 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: It seems like you're aware it's just for hook-ups. How old is your husband? Are there marital issues you're using this situationship to distract you from? You may be able to end it when you address the reasons it's happening. My husband and I are in counseling. I don’t know that he has the capacity for emotional intimacy that I want. We are continuing to work on the issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chapin Posted October 3, 2023 Author Share Posted October 3, 2023 8 hours ago, stillafool said: How long have you been cheating with this guy and what are your ages? We’ve been seeing each other for 3 months. I am 58, OM is 27. Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted October 3, 2023 Share Posted October 3, 2023 11 minutes ago, Chapin said: . I don’t know that he has the capacity for emotional intimacy that I want. Can you describe what emotional intimacy looks like to you? I just ask because sometimes these things aren’t really to do with our partners but feelings that come from within. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 3, 2023 Share Posted October 3, 2023 10 minutes ago, Chapin said: We’ve been seeing each other for 3 months. I am 58, OM is 27. How did you get involved with him and is your husband suspicious? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 3, 2023 Share Posted October 3, 2023 20 minutes ago, Chapin said: He has made comments that lead me to believe there is interest in a relationship. Whay were the comments? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 3, 2023 Share Posted October 3, 2023 1 hour ago, Chapin said: That is the question. He has made comments that lead me to believe there is interest in a relationship. But, I think I’m being ridiculous. And, of course, you’re right- why would he commit? I'm about your age and have children around the age of this guy, so I'm not being ageist. The odds of a 27yo guy who's got his whole life in front of him (finding a lovely young wife and having a family) giving all that up for a much older woman are pretty much zero. If you were 40, perhaps there would be a chance...but at nearly 60? It's not gonna happen. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 3, 2023 Share Posted October 3, 2023 1 hour ago, Chapin said: That is the question. He has made comments that lead me to believe there is interest in a relationship. But, I think I’m being ridiculous. And, of course, you’re right- why would he commit? You definitely seem like YOU are interested in a relationship. Since you are available for sexual hookups and are also open to having a more traditional relationship, if this guy were into it, why don't you get a divorce and free yourself up for this to be a possibility for you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chapin Posted October 3, 2023 Author Share Posted October 3, 2023 11 minutes ago, basil67 said: I'm about your age and have children around the age of this guy, so I'm not being ageist. The odds of a 27yo guy who's got his whole life in front of him (finding a lovely young wife and having a family) giving all that up for a much older woman are pretty much zero. If you were 40, perhaps there would be a chance...but at nearly 60? It's not gonna happen. Yep, I’ve thought this many times. You are right and I needed to hear this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chapin Posted October 3, 2023 Author Share Posted October 3, 2023 10 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said: You definitely seem like YOU are interested in a relationship. Since you are available for sexual hookups and are also open to having a more traditional relationship, if this guy were into it, why don't you get a divorce and free yourself up for this to be a possibility for you? If I’m being honest, it’s because I know deep inside that a relationship is not going to happen. I need to hear all of this for the honest reality check. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chapin Posted October 3, 2023 Author Share Posted October 3, 2023 1 hour ago, stillafool said: How did you get involved with him and is your husband suspicious? I got involved with him because he met me and aggressively pursued me. Aggressive meaning multiple texts per day that eventually turned sexual in nature. I held off for a couple of weeks and then caved. Unfortunately, he was very good at the pursuit. Yes, my husband is suspicious. Also, unfortunately, I am a good liar. I don’t want to be this person, and need to hear all of the truth that ppl can throw at me so I don’t keep fantasizing about the impossibility of this working, and hopefully I can let it go. I’m turning to online advice because I can’t share this with anyone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chapin Posted October 3, 2023 Author Share Posted October 3, 2023 1 hour ago, stillafool said: Whay were the comments? “A relationship with you would be so great.” ”I need to be with you because you know how to motivate me and you support my dreams.” “You are the best person I’ve ever been with. That would be hard to lose.” (I know, very weird that an adulteress is the best person he’s been with). Probably more, but these come to my mind right away. Even given these comments, he pulls away if we start to get too close. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chapin Posted October 3, 2023 Author Share Posted October 3, 2023 1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said: Can you describe what emotional intimacy looks like to you? I just ask because sometimes these things aren’t really to do with our partners but feelings that come from within. Deep sharing of thoughts, feelings, dreams An openness to the other person and acceptance of who that person is and their feelings, experiences, thoughts without judgement Deep trust and a high level of support and affirmation Mutual giving and wanting to make the other person happy- encouraging the other person’s needs, desires, dreams Ability to converse about any topic without judgement and defensiveness. Just open-minded exploration of thoughts, opinions and ideas. I crave these things but have never had them in 15 years of marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chapin Posted October 3, 2023 Author Share Posted October 3, 2023 26 minutes ago, Chapin said: I got involved with him because he met me and aggressively pursued me. Aggressive meaning multiple texts per day that eventually turned sexual in nature. I held off for a couple of weeks and then caved. Unfortunately, he was very good at the pursuit. Yes, my husband is suspicious. Also, unfortunately, I am a good liar. I don’t want to be this person, and need to hear all of the truth that ppl can throw at me so I don’t keep fantasizing about the impossibility of this working, and hopefully I can let it go. I’m turning to online advice because I can’t share this with anyone else. I mean fantasizing about the possibility of this working. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 3, 2023 Share Posted October 3, 2023 (edited) I think you're being seriously unrealistic here - there are so many situations in real life where this could come undone. 31 minutes ago, Chapin said: Deep sharing of thoughts, feelings, dreams What if the partner is an over thinker....or a dreamer who's dreams never come to fruition...or their feelings are an overreaction and drive the partner nuts? Quote An openness to the other person and acceptance of who that person is and their feelings, experiences, thoughts without judgement Again, what if those feelings are irrational? How could I accept the partner's irrational feelings if it's affecting me or our life or friendships? Quote Deep trust and a high level of support and affirmation Kindly, you're not deserving of trust right now, so this one is unrealistic. Quote Mutual giving and wanting to make the other person happy- encouraging the other person’s needs, desires, dreams What if those needs and dreams are at odds with the relationship and family and financial situation? Quote Ability to converse about any topic without judgement and defensiveness. Just open-minded exploration of thoughts, opinions and ideas. ANY topic? I read some personal beliefs out here on the internet and there are some ideas I find simply abhorrent. Quote I crave these things but have never had them in 15 years of marriage. Do you realise that you're not accepting your partner for who he is? While some of this is achievable, there will always be times when it's not. Edited October 3, 2023 by basil67 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 3, 2023 Share Posted October 3, 2023 (edited) 54 minutes ago, Chapin said: “A relationship with you would be so great.” ”I need to be with you because you know how to motivate me and you support my dreams.” “You are the best person I’ve ever been with. That would be hard to lose.” (I know, very weird that an adulteress is the best person he’s been with). Probably more, but these come to my mind right away. Even given these comments, he pulls away if we start to get too close. Words mean nothing, his actions should tell you everything you need to know. A woman should always be wary of a man who pursues aggressively - that’s not something a more respectful or particularly reasonable person would do. A woman should ALWAYS be wary of a man who pursues a woman when he KNOWS that she is married - it should you how much he respects boundaries and other people (further to my first point). And if he’s blowing hot and cold, a woman is always wise pay attention to the fact that his feelings and his commitment is fickle. Affairs are all about fantasy and this one is no different. Unfortunately, fantasy is far from reality… I’m sorry to be blunt, but I feel badly for your husband. I’m sure that he has his faults, but he really doesn’t deserve this - Edited October 3, 2023 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 3, 2023 Share Posted October 3, 2023 (edited) 43 minutes ago, Chapin said: Deep sharing of thoughts, feelings, dreams An openness to the other person and acceptance of who that person is and their feelings, experiences, thoughts without judgement Deep trust and a high level of support and affirmation Mutual giving and wanting to make the other person happy- encouraging the other person’s needs, desires, dreams Ability to converse about any topic without judgement and defensiveness. Just open-minded exploration of thoughts, opinions and ideas. I crave these things but have never had them in 15 years of marriage. Serious question, do you think that you are going to get this from a twenty-something man who is pursuing a married woman for sex and pulls away everyone you get too close/place expectations on him? Edited October 3, 2023 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chapin Posted October 3, 2023 Author Share Posted October 3, 2023 38 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Words mean nothing, his actions should tell you everything you need to know. A woman should always be wary of a man who pursues aggressively - that’s not something a more respectful or particularly reasonable person would do. A woman should ALWAYS be wary of a man who pursues a woman when he KNOWS that she is married - it should you how much he respects boundaries and other people (further to my first point). And if he’s blowing hot and cold, a woman is always wise pay attention to the fact that his feelings and his commitment is fickle. Affairs are all about fantasy and this one is no different. Unfortunately, fantasy is far from reality… I’m sorry to be blunt, but I feel badly for your husband. I’m sure that he has his faults, but he really doesn’t deserve this - Yes, all of this is true. Thank you. It is sometimes difficult to see the truth of a situation when one is in the midst of it and emotions are involved. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted October 3, 2023 Share Posted October 3, 2023 51 minutes ago, Chapin said: Yes, all of this is true. Thank you. It is sometimes difficult to see the truth of a situation when one is in the midst of it and emotions are involved. Not in your case. You've said repeatedly that you already know all about the "truth of the situation." You know what you're doing; choosing with your eyes wide open, I'm not judging you, but it's pretty hard to wrap my mind around where you're coming from. Link to post Share on other sites
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