Cheating on my husband with a man 30 years my junior

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Chapin said:

I crave these things but have never had them in 15 years of marriage.

Then why did you marry him?

 

What happens pretty much everytime someone cheats is they rewrite history. I don’t think it’s conscious - instead it’s a defense mechanism. Instead of your cheating being because you have a side that is unfaithful, lying, immoral etc. you can blame it on an unsatisfying marriage. It’s your husband’s fault. Or the other man’s fault for pursuing you heavily. 

[BaileyB]

12 minutes ago, NuevoYorko said:

Not in your case.  You've said repeatedly that you already know all about the "truth of the situation." 

I was about to say the same… I think there is a difference between understanding and accepting. She is not ready to accept the truth here because when she does, she will have to let this go… 

 

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Chapin said:

My husband and I are in counseling.

How fair is it to your husband that you are requiring him to attend marriage counselling when you are having sex with another man? 

I’m assuming, that he is there under the impression that you are committed to the marriage. That’s not true, if it was you wouldn’t be having sex with another man.
 

3 hours ago, Chapin said:

I’m turning to online advice because I can’t share this with anyone else.

Honestly, if you do not have an individual counsellor, I would strongly advise that you find someone. Marriage counselling is a total waste of your time and money if you are still having sex and/or dreaming about your affair partner. 

I ask you this - how would you feel if you were attending marriage counselling - if your spouse was telling you that he wanted you to trust, to be more vulnerable, to be emotionally open with him - and you learn after the fact that he is having sex with his 26 year old coworker. 

Do you see that you have absolutely no right to ask this of him? Not when you are engaging in behavior that hurts him to the core - he just doesn’t know it yet…

 

Edited October 4, 2023 by BaileyB

[glows]

Huh. Are you saying this young man is only sexting you? You mentioned texting and sexual nature of the texts. 

This is textbook time waster mentality. How on earth did you ever go from that (sexting or sexy texts) to thinking this would become a relationship? 

First things first - see a divorce lawyer privately if your marriage is over. If you’re supposed to be going to marital counselling then focus on that and don’t do things half past six - attending marriage counselling and sexting a twenty something immature man who I’m assuming hasn’t even taken you out on dates or knows what a date is. 

Someone, believe it was Stillafool, asked how you met this person. Was it through work or your kid’s school? I too am curious. 

Please decide what you want as you’re going to keep attracting complete time wasters, duds, really low quality individuals by trying to do different things at once. Please figure out whether you still want this marriage first.

Edited October 4, 2023 by glows

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Chapin said:

I got involved with him because he met me and aggressively pursued me. Aggressive meaning multiple texts per day that eventually turned sexual in nature. I held off for a couple of weeks and then caved.

I’m sorry if I was mistaken, I took this to mean that you had progressed from texting to physical intimacy. 

[Chapin]

On 10/2/2023 at 7:21 PM, Chapin said:

I am cheating on my husband with a man 30 years my junior. I actually bought into the possibility that this OM wanted a relationship with me. But, he starts to get close for a few weeks and then pulls away and ghosts me. I don’t know if I am in love with him or just in love with the way I feel. He only wants me for sex, right? I have blocked him several times to end this, but always unblock him, and, sure enough, he contacts me and it all starts over again. How do I find the will to end this?

I do not deserve your wisdom, but I’m grateful for it anyway.I will read your comments often. I am horrified by the person I am, but I am committed to the end of this affair and putting the energy into my husband instead.I deleted the man’s info from my phone. I am choosing to accept the truth and reality.

[stillafool]

12 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I’m sorry if I was mistaken, I took this to mean that you had progressed from texting to physical intimacy. 

Were you having sex with this guy?

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Chapin said:

I do not deserve your wisdom, but I’m grateful for it anyway.I will read your comments often. I am horrified by the person I am, but I am committed to the end of this affair and putting the energy into my husband instead.I deleted the man’s info from my phone. I am choosing to accept the truth and reality.

We can only move forward. I think you are wise to end contact with this man and decide the fate of your marriage with your husband. If you decide to stay in the marriage, he deserves to be treated with the same respect and kindness that you are expecting from him. If you can’t give him that, it’s best to divorce. Best wishes. 

Edited October 4, 2023 by BaileyB

[mark clemson]

5 hours ago, Chapin said:

I am committed to the end of this affair and putting the energy into my husband instead.I deleted the man’s info from my phone. I am choosing to accept the truth and reality.

When it comes to morals, "truth and reality" are mostly matters of opinion. Just ask anyone who has a huge problem with people eating meat. They have an "immoral side" that they refuse to acknowledge as well.

That said, while it's probably for the best for you that you end this affair, one person generally can't fix a marriage. That takes two. If you don't ensure that YOUR needs are being met by your husband, too, you'll likely just run in circles. You'll wind up unhappy again, and again contemplating an affair in an attempt to help yourself feel happier, if you can't bring yourself to actually go through with a divorce.

Suggest you work smarter, not harder here, and that's for both you and your husband's ultimate benefit. Resigning yourself to an unhappy marriage is only going to net you an unhappy marriage.

Edited October 4, 2023 by mark clemson

[Chapin]

6 hours ago, stillafool said:

Were you having sex with this guy?

Yes

[Chapin]

1 hour ago, mark clemson said:

When it comes to morals, "truth and reality" are mostly matters of opinion. Just ask anyone who has a huge problem with people eating meat. They have an "immoral side" that they refuse to acknowledge as well.

That said, while it's probably for the best for you that you end this affair, one person generally can't fix a marriage. That takes two. If you don't ensure that YOUR needs are being met by your husband, too, you'll likely just run in circles. You'll wind up unhappy again, and again contemplating an affair in an attempt to help yourself feel happier, if you can't bring yourself to actually go through with a divorce.

Suggest you work smarter, not harder here, and that's for both you and your husband's ultimate benefit. Resigning yourself to an unhappy marriage is only going to net you an unhappy marriage.

Thank you

[Chapin]

20 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Not in your case.  You've said repeatedly that you already know all about the "truth of the situation."  You know what you're doing; choosing with your eyes wide open,  

I'm not judging you, but it's pretty hard to wrap my mind around where you're coming from.

 

Of course you’re judging me, but I get it.

[Wiseman2]

23 hours ago, Chapin said:

"I need to be with you because you know how to motivate me and you support my dreams.”

How exactly do you motivate him and support his dreams? Hopefully you're not in a sugarmama sort of role or in a surrogate mother type of role. 

You seem to have insight that your unhappy marriage is part of this and this situationship provides a distraction. 

At the same time you have insight that the probability of this going anywhere is not realistic and you also seem to realize this may not end well for you.

[Chapin]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How exactly do you motivate him and support his dreams? Hopefully you're not in a sugarmama sort of role or in a surrogate mother type of role. 

You seem to have insight that your unhappy marriage is part of this and this situationship provides a distraction. 

At the same time you have insight that the probability of this going anywhere is not realistic and you also seem to realize this may not end well for you.

I am not in a sugar mama relationship. I have never given him a dime or contributed financially to anything. But, sleeping with someone with mommy issues- who knows? I do have the insights you speak of. I have to hang on to the truth of those insights in order to move on.

[Sony12]

As someone who was casually involved with a lady almost thirty years older than me when I was in my late twenties I can guarantee you this guy has absolutely no intention of having a relationship with you. He is there for the thrills of having an older women lust over him.

I'm sure you are getting a kick out of the situation and are probably really enjoying his body but it's not worth having a marriage fall apart over.

What you need to do is actually tell him it's over. Not by blocking him but by actually telling him. Enjoy the memories you have over this situation but it needs to end immediately if your marriage is at risk.

 

 

[Sony12]

Also did you freely give this man your number? Were numbers exchanged knowing that sex was a possibility?

This whole thing started because you two started texting. It's best not to do that with a man that much younger than you unless you are single. 

And even then just get involved with a guy that much younger because you want to see him naked. Not because you want to actually have a relationship with him. 

 

[NuevoYorko]

7 hours ago, Chapin said:

Of course you’re judging me, but I get it.

I'm really not.  People do what they want.    I do have feelings about it, but not a judgement.  My feelings ... it's a sad and bleak story.  But you do you. 

[Bryanp]

You asked how to permanently end this sexual cheating. It is quite easy. Be truthful and honest to your husband. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you expect him to be honest with you?

[Enigo-Montoya]

Honestly OP, I’d like to chat. I’m doing the same thing, except in reverse. It feels right to me. We’re both happy and in love. I’m not a narcissist, as seems to be everyone’s default label for people like us who don’t feel much guilt. Sometime marriages just change. Relationships end. Why is society so harsh on people who want something else? Anyway, I’m new to this site and don’t know if DMs are possible. But I’m with you on this one and would love to swap stories. My take, if he’s willing to keep going, then do what makes you happy. Just keep expectations in check. 

[Sony12]

8 hours ago, Enigo-Montoya said:

Honestly OP, I’d like to chat. I’m doing the same thing, except in reverse. It feels right to me. We’re both happy and in love. I’m not a narcissist, as seems to be everyone’s default label for people like us who don’t feel much guilt. Sometime marriages just change. Relationships end. Why is society so harsh on people who want something else? Anyway, I’m new to this site and don’t know if DMs are possible. But I’m with you on this one and would love to swap stories. My take, if he’s willing to keep going, then do what makes you happy. Just keep expectations in check. 

 

Are you still married or are you in the process of getting a divorce? It's never ok to have an affair behind your spouses back. If you two have an agreement to see other people than fine.  But if not you should end the relationship before jumping into the sack with someone young enough to be your kid. And very, very seldom when there is a large age gap between the two people are the feelings completely mutual. One or both are often taking part in the activity for reasons that have very little to do with love. Maybe because they are horny or because there is some sort of financial gain they can get out of it but very seldom are the feelings completely genuine in that type of scenario.

I see you are a guy either in your 40's or 50's. Are you involved with a lady younger than you or older than you? I get involved with older women myself and 99% of them aren't dating younger men because they have any intention of failing for them. 

 

 

Edited October 21, 2023 by Sony12

[Chapin]

13 hours ago, Enigo-Montoya said:

Honestly OP, I’d like to chat. I’m doing the same thing, except in reverse. It feels right to me. We’re both happy and in love. I’m not a narcissist, as seems to be everyone’s default label for people like us who don’t feel much guilt. Sometime marriages just change. Relationships end. Why is society so harsh on people who want something else? Anyway, I’m new to this site and don’t know if DMs are possible. But I’m with you on this one and would love to swap stories. My take, if he’s willing to keep going, then do what makes you happy. Just keep expectations in check. 

Hi Enigo-Montoya, I would like to chat too to share the ending to my story. I’ll share it here. My situation has changed in the last few weeks. Because of a few crushing encounters with my lover and reading advice from this site and other sources of information, I realize that I was nothing to my lover than a good story and good sex. I was so incredibly naive to think he wanted a relationship. Even though he said things that made me think this, I should have seen the red flags. His words were simply a way to get me and keep me interested in sex. And, I just wanted the relationship with him so much, that I refused to see. Very painful price to pay for my actions. There is something very broken in me that compelled me to respond so easily to his advances. I’m working on that and my marriage. I see now that the person who truly loves me is my husband. Hard to believe I came close to throwing him and my life away for a 27-year-old player. Your situation sounds different- sounds like you are mutually in love. If you are, your story might have a very different outcome. I just suggest that you continue with eyes wide open and with a lot of introspection. I wish you the very best.

 

13 hours ago, Enigo-Montoya said:

Honestly OP, I’d like to chat. I’m doing the same thing, except in reverse. It feels right to me. We’re both happy and in love. I’m not a narcissist, as seems to be everyone’s default label for people like us who don’t feel much guilt. Sometime marriages just change. Relationships end. Why is society so harsh on people who want something else? Anyway, I’m new to this site and don’t know if DMs are possible. But I’m with you on this one and would love to swap stories. My take, if he’s willing to keep going, then do what makes you happy. Just keep expectations in check. 

 

[stillafool]

5 minutes ago, Chapin said:

Hi Enigo-Montoya, I would like to chat too to share the ending to my story. I’ll share it here. My situation has changed in the last few weeks. Because of a few crushing encounters with my lover and reading advice from this site and other sources of information, I realize that I was nothing to my lover than a good story and good sex. I was so incredibly naive to think he wanted a relationship. Even though he said things that made me think this, I should have seen the red flags. His words were simply a way to get me and keep me interested in sex. And, I just wanted the relationship with him so much, that I refused to see. Very painful price to pay for my actions. There is something very broken in me that compelled me to respond so easily to his advances. I’m working on that and my marriage. I see now that the person who truly loves me is my husband. Hard to believe I came close to throwing him and my life away for a 27-year-old player. Your situation sounds different- sounds like you are mutually in love. If you are, your story might have a very different outcome. I just suggest that you continue with eyes wide open and with a lot of introspection. I wish you the very best.

 

 

Don't be so hard on yourself.  I'm glad you have ended your affair and realized your husband is your future.

[Sony12]

@ChapinAnother thing you would need to be concerned about when getting involved with a guy that much younger are men who will put that stuff up on the Internet. It's extremely easy to upload home videos to the internet these days and 'cougar' videos are extremely common. As for many guys in their 20's having sex with an older woman is just like doing it with a cheerleader.

Just something that you need to be weary about when getting involved with men that much younger.

Edited October 21, 2023 by Sony12

[Chapin]

18 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

@ChapinAnother thing you would need to be concerned about when getting involved with a guy that much younger are men who will put that stuff up on the Internet. It's extremely easy to upload home videos to the internet these days and 'cougar' videos are extremely common. As for many guys in their 20's having sex with an older woman is just like doing it with a cheerleader.

Just something that you need to be weary about when getting involved with men that much younger.

I obviously wasn’t thinking at all when I got involved. It won’t happen again.

[Bryanp]

If you are going to remain in your marriage, then you need to get tested for STD's.