Wife revealed details of her infidelity recently. What to think.

[BrittN]

So, a few years ago, my wife and I had been married for 2 years but together since high school.  She was 24 at the time of this event.

She went on a work trip, a job where a lot of our mutual friends worked, not uncommon at all.  At out of state trip. Well, I was happily at home when her room mate (a younger coworker that she had to share a hotel room with) called me in a panic, pretty late at night. She said that Jessica had gone to a corporate party with David (a coworker) he had driven her there, and that she had been dancing and he was "grinding on her" for a while.  Mary (the room mate) then told me that they left together and that Jessica (Wife) has never returned to their room.

Well, I knew David, an alpha guy from work, def a guy who worked closely with my wife daily. I freaked out a bit and over the next few hours called her phone repeatedly, eventually leaving some pretty angry voicemails. Of course, I was agonizing in real time while my wife was undoubtedly getting screwed in every possible way by this guy from work. (I thought).  I do remember her calling me the next morning and denying everything.  We went to counseling and she continued to deny everything.  It was useless.  I was busy at work and ashamed to leave her as we had been married less than 2 years.  Somehow, I didn't leave her though we have had resentment from this for years.   Worse yet, she worked with David, closely for another 6 months before she was fired and had to work elsewhere.  The guy was smug around me and I have no idea how he behaved with her at work.  I monitored her a bit and she denied any ongoing affair. (of course, she denied the initial night too).

This was a humiliation fest for me. Our friends saw the dancing, the trip to the woods and them driving off together, telling me all this.  We all assumed he had sex with her all night.  He was certainly smug toward me for the rest of the time that I knew him. Word spread and everybody believed that I, practically a newlywed was unwillingly cucked.  I was ashamed and humiliated and angry.

 

Well, it's now years later, a lot of years later, 10 or so and we live in a different town and have been doing pretty well. Jessica still travels all the time, but somehow I'm not worried.  I think having kids helped me in the relationship a bit, but I still had resentment. 

Recently though, she wanted to work on our relationship and have open and honest dialog.  Probably well intentioned relationship planing there, and I agreed, on the condition that she tell me the unvarnished truth of her night with David. She tearfully did so on the spot.

They got in Davids truck to go to a “Party at the Barn”.  A few people from the travel group went separately as well.  At the party, she drank a little, but wasn't drunk.  She took up David's invitation to dance and they danced for quite a while, she says he was "Grinding" on her a lot. Keep in mind, our mutual friends are watching this.  They, after a while he told her he had something to show her and led her to the nearby woods where they began making out. I asked her if she was drunk and she said no, "at first I was a willing participant". They made out for a "while" with him fondling (over the clothes only) "until he started to suck on my neck. Then I got scared and told him to stop. Reminding him at this late date that they were both married. She says that they went back to the party where he was “quiet” and he drove her back to the hotel room where she remembers calling me. (I don't remember getting any call that night, but can't be sure of the timing). At this point she says she returned to the room with Mary and went to sleep with no repeat performances with him ever - saying that David and she didn't even discuss what happen at work over their next 6 months of working together.

I asked her about her motivations for the night and she said

"I guess it was just physical attraction/excitement in the moment.  I did NOT have any sort of emotional/intellectual bond with this guy. "

She was tearful and apologetic in the telling of the above story, an infidelity without the sex that I assumed all these years...  I think I believe her, though if makes little difference, I guess. It's wild to hear her admit all this after blanket denials for years and during counseling. He was def something different from me, a diff race and different background. 

How do you think I should react to this? I'm not leaving her for this 10 year old infidelity, we have a daughter now, but it's a bitter sweet pill.  I already suffered for years assuming the worst, now, I'm not sure the kissing story is any better?  I don't think she would do this again, but, of course, I never thought she would do it the first time..

 

 

 

 

Edited October 3, 2023 by BrittN

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, BrittN said:

. It's wild to hear her admit all this after blanket denials for years and during counseling.  I'm not leaving her for this 10 year old infidelity, we have a daughter now, but it's a bitter sweet pill.

Are you still in marriage therapy? Do you believe her confession helped your situation? 

[BrittN]

11 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you still in marriage therapy? Do you believe her confession helped your situation? 

Therapy was a huge fail when we were in it.  She denied laying a finger on him to the therapist. and she just made these admissions a few days ago.  Haven't been in therapy for years though I had some resentment left over, mostly about the public humiliation and the thoughtlessness of it.  I never doubted that she had stayed overnight for him with sex.  It's shocking to consider otherwise.  Has it reduced my resentment about the night? I do like honesty.. If I believe her, it might help.

Edited October 3, 2023 by BrittN

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, BrittN said:

 Has it reduced my resentment about the night? I do like honesty.. If I believe her, it might help.

Why did she decide to recount all this now, a decade later? 

[glows]

Did you tell her how you feel or how this has caused you to feel resentment, humiliation and frustration for many years? How is your relationship now?

I started to wonder how someone can sleep next to someone else they distrust and resent and then remembered my past marriage as well. Memory unlocked there and oh boy, that was a horrible way to live. 

If you’re figuring out what to feel, how to think, stop reacting to this thing that happened all these years ago. You’re like a broken record on repeat and in a loop cycle. Start actually asking yourself what you see out of life and how you want to live your life. Think big picture here and not the minute details and feelings on a day to day basis. THINK BIGGER. Dig deeper and figure out what you really want out of life. You have one life to live - why are you spending it dwelling on things like this that are completely out of your control? It’s done, eons ago. Either forgive if this marriage is what you want or end it and move on with your life.

Edited October 3, 2023 by glows

[BrittN]

8 hours ago, glows said:

Did you tell her how you feel or how this has caused you to feel resentment, humiliation and frustration for many years? How is your relationship now?

I started to wonder how someone can sleep next to someone else they distrust and resent and then remembered my past marriage as well. Memory unlocked there and oh boy, that was a horrible way to live. 

If you’re figuring out what to feel, how to think, stop reacting to this thing that happened all these years ago. You’re like a broken record on repeat and in a loop cycle. Start actually asking yourself what you see out of life and how you want to live your life. Think big picture here and not the minute details and feelings on a day to day basis. THINK BIGGER. Dig deeper and figure out what you really want out of life. You have one life to live - why are you spending it dwelling on things like this that are completely out of your control? It’s done, eons ago. Either forgive if this marriage is what you want or end it and move on with your life.

You know, as a man, I can see how attraction to a new partner and excitement combined with opportunity can lead to grinding and a make out/petting  session.  I'm not blind to hormones and flattery. I had been the proud husband of my young wife and, I admit, the humiliation of everybody I knew hearing about the grinding and the trip to the woods was pretty severe.  They drove away together as well, returning to the hotel, under the view of more mutual friends/acquaintances and my humiliation was made worse.  Also, she willingly refused to pick up my calls that night, repeated calls, which is something I dont do usually, so I think she may have suspected that she was caught but was willing to push ahead with him anyway.  This is quite a betrayal for long time "soulmates" less than 2 years into marriage.  I wondered if she was actually in love with me.  Of course this has caused resentment and strife in the years after. She knocked herself off the pedestal, for sure.  Yes, during this talk, and during our failed counseling, I did tell her of my humiliation and frustration. The pity of family and friends is a hard thing to bear.

Why is this a big deal now? it's 10 years later and we are surely different people right? Well, to a degree.  Also, I'm a little incredulous that she says that they didn't have sex.  I would like to believe that she has "come clean" she didn't love tearfully telling me about being a "willing participant" to making out with him in the woods and she denied being drunk, so maybe it's the truth..  The idea that she could lie about it during our active attempt to clear the air in our relationship is disturbing. Of course, she could be telling the truth.

[mark clemson]

I think she's telling you now because the "guilt" of the secret bothers her and she (apparently correctly) believes enough time has past to make it "safer" to let you know. The guilt and negative experience she had, almost losing you, etc may also prevent her from "straying" when she travels - she doesn't want to have to go through any of that again, and that comes across in subtle, but detectable ways perhaps. Just not worth it to her.

There is no way to verify for sure whether she is telling the entire truth. I think you probably have most of it, but that's just a gut sense.

IF you're up for it (and I don't recommend this, you'd have to think it over) you could consider looking up this David character and saying she confessed but you'd like to hear what he has to say. It sounds like he perhaps had the wind taken out of his sails a bit by her "rejection" and so was puffing himself up a bit in the way he acted around you. 

Possibly he too has changed after 10 years and IF he's willing to talk and his story matched hers pretty closely, that would be reasonably good evidence that it's the real story. If it doesn't match you still don't know for sure as he might be puffing it up to be a braggart at your expense or what have you. But you could also assess his tone and apparent sincerity and try to judge from there. Not sure if that's possible or whether you'd actually care to do it even if it was, just an idea for you to consider.

As they say marriage isn't always a bed of roses. You seem like a reasonable person in many ways which may be why yours has lasted, but clearly it's had its rockier moments, as most I think do. GL.

Edited October 3, 2023 by mark clemson

[glows]

12 hours ago, BrittN said:

You know, as a man, I can see how attraction to a new partner and excitement combined with opportunity can lead to grinding and a make out/petting  session.  I'm not blind to hormones and flattery. I had been the proud husband of my young wife and, I admit, the humiliation of everybody I knew hearing about the grinding and the trip to the woods was pretty severe.  They drove away together as well, returning to the hotel, under the view of more mutual friends/acquaintances and my humiliation was made worse.  Also, she willingly refused to pick up my calls that night, repeated calls, which is something I dont do usually, so I think she may have suspected that she was caught but was willing to push ahead with him anyway.  This is quite a betrayal for long time "soulmates" less than 2 years into marriage.  I wondered if she was actually in love with me.  Of course this has caused resentment and strife in the years after. She knocked herself off the pedestal, for sure.  Yes, during this talk, and during our failed counseling, I did tell her of my humiliation and frustration. The pity of family and friends is a hard thing to bear.

Why is this a big deal now? it's 10 years later and we are surely different people right? Well, to a degree.  Also, I'm a little incredulous that she says that they didn't have sex.  I would like to believe that she has "come clean" she didn't love tearfully telling me about being a "willing participant" to making out with him in the woods and she denied being drunk, so maybe it's the truth..  The idea that she could lie about it during our active attempt to clear the air in our relationship is disturbing. Of course, she could be telling the truth.

It is disturbing and sorry you’ve had to live with this for so long. It really begs the question why you even continued the marriage if you so much suspected anything back then and why you chose to get her pregnant or have kids with this woman? I know this is trite and cold-sounding. But it is to also balance all this consternation perhaps with the fact that you do love your wife and it’s also time to let this go. 

If you can’t trust her I think you already know the marriage is over. 

[BrittN]

16 minutes ago, glows said:

It is disturbing and sorry you’ve had to live with this for so long. It really begs the question why you even continued the marriage if you so much suspected anything back then and why you chose to get her pregnant or have kids with this woman? I know this is trite and cold-sounding. But it is to also balance all this consternation perhaps with the fact that you do love your wife and it’s also time to let this go. 

If you can’t trust her I think you already know the marriage is over. 

You know, it's hard to overstate how close we were before this betrayal (however far that betrayal went). We had overcome all the challenges of getting together too young, and I was her first lover.  (though not her only lover as we had some time broken up during college). I had planned to leave her, but on her return, she stridently denied cheating at all despite the reports to the contrary.  I was pretty distraught, particularly as this guy directly reported to my wife at work and they still saw each other daily for the next 6 months that she worked there.  She showed affection to me though and I was probably embarrassed to allow the fall of my marriage so close to our big wedding.  In retrospect, its shocking that I stayed.  I do know that I was early in my career and I was distracted by a lot of work, maybe I willingly ignored the truth.

After the first baby was born, when I would reference her indiscretion/sex? with David she quit denying it but would never provide details, so she eventually, quit the denials, but we always had this unspoken betrayal between us.  The whole time, I envisioned the worst possible night of debauchery in his room that night, with possible ridicule of me by him while he F&*%ed her etc. Everything terrible the mind can conjurer.   Recently, we have had a few talks, more maturely about good communication in the relationship and I demanded a true accounting of the night.  That's how I find myself here.  She is, in fact, on a work trip right now, tonight.  I don't fear her cheating now, she is older, wiser and probably less horny.

[glows]

6 minutes ago, BrittN said:

You know, it's hard to overstate how close we were before this betrayal (however far that betrayal went). We had overcome all the challenges of getting together too young, and I was her first lover.  (though not her only lover as we had some time broken up during college). I had planned to leave her, but on her return, she stridently denied cheating at all despite the reports to the contrary.  I was pretty distraught, particularly as this guy directly reported to my wife at work and they still saw each other daily for the next 6 months that she worked there.  She showed affection to me though and I was probably embarrassed to allow the fall of my marriage so close to our big wedding.  In retrospect, its shocking that I stayed.  I do know that I was early in my career and I was distracted by a lot of work, maybe I willingly ignored the truth.

After the first baby was born, when I would reference her indiscretion/sex? with David she quit denying it but would never provide details, so she eventually, quit the denials, but we always had this unspoken betrayal between us.  The whole time, I envisioned the worst possible night of debauchery in his room that night, with possible ridicule of me by him while he F&*%ed her etc. Everything terrible the mind can conjurer.   Recently, we have had a few talks, more maturely about good communication in the relationship and I demanded a true accounting of the night.  That's how I find myself here.  She is, in fact, on a work trip right now, tonight.  I don't fear her cheating now, she is older, wiser and probably less horny.

I think it’s very sad that you both chose to stay yet let this hang between the both of you. Speaking plainly and honestly. It makes the whole purpose of marriage or relationship moot and void where marriage is intended as a union built on a foundation of mutual respect and trust. You both seem to have neither. It’s as if this is a union of convenience and painfully so as you continue to see budding distrust and seem to ruminate on details on an extreme and unhealthy level. 

Perhaps writing here is cathartic to you because we are anonymous and you have no fear of consequence compared to speaking freely to your wife who seems to ignore you now or anything related to discussion on David. She told you they made out. Why can’t you drop it and stop suspecting her of having sex? I also find it odd you keep referencing her age. “Young bride” being a threat and now “too old to be horny” not being a threat. Old women are horny too. Young people are not always horny. People of all ages get drunk or make bad decisions. This isn’t about her age but I wonder why you ruminate so much on an earlier time. 

Embarrassment and humiliation is about you. It’s your ego bruised and refusing to acknowledge that she is a person who made a mistake. Why do you keep making this all about you and your ego? Understandably you are hurt but it’s time to let it go. Don’t let the past keep destroying your future.

[BrittN]

16 minutes ago, glows said:

I think it’s very sad that you both chose to stay yet let this hang between the both of you. Speaking plainly and honestly. It makes the whole purpose of marriage or relationship moot and void where marriage is intended as a union built on a foundation of mutual respect and trust. You both seem to have neither. It’s as if this is a union of convenience and painfully so as you continue to see budding distrust and seem to ruminate on details on an extreme and unhealthy level. 

Perhaps writing here is cathartic to you because we are anonymous and you have no fear of consequence compared to speaking freely to your wife who seems to ignore you now or anything related to discussion on David. She told you they made out. Why can’t you drop it and stop suspecting her of having sex? I also find it odd you keep referencing her age. “Young bride” being a threat and now “too old to be horny” not being a threat. Old women are horny too. Young people are not always horny. People of all ages get drunk or make bad decisions. This isn’t about her age but I wonder why you ruminate so much on an earlier time. 

Embarrassment and humiliation is about you. It’s your ego bruised and refusing to acknowledge that she is a person who made a mistake. Why do you keep making this all about you and your ego? Understandably you are hurt but it’s time to let it go. Don’t let the past keep destroying your future.

You make it sound like I've been hanging on to this forever. We have been living past this for years, sure with a relationship wound but kids joys etc.

 

It was only three days ago that she made all this specific revelations.  I certainly am still in the window of consideration, in my opinion. All about me?? Who else could this be about.  I'm quite sure that my friends log since lost interest in this and my wife laid this truth on me alone.  I'm the recipient of the confession, and I don't think she is quite as shocked by all these details as I am as she has had 10 years to bury them if she wishes.

Of course, I'm hear to bounce this fresh news off other, looking thoughts and maybe advice. I think your judgements about the long term ruination of my marriage is a bit premature.  That being said, I'm happy to ingest any and all opinions on there.  thanks.

[BrittN]

8 hours ago, mark clemson said:

I think she's telling you now because the "guilt" of the secret bothers her and she (apparently correctly) believes enough time has past to make it "safer" to let you know. The guilt and negative experience she had, almost losing you, etc may also prevent her from "straying" when she travels - she doesn't want to have to go through any of that again, and that comes across in subtle, but detectable ways perhaps. Just not worth it to her.

There is no way to verify for sure whether she is telling the entire truth. I think you probably have most of it, but that's just a gut sense.

IF you're up for it (and I don't recommend this, you'd have to think it over) you could consider looking up this David character and saying she confessed but you'd like to hear what he has to say. It sounds like he perhaps had the wind taken out of his sails a bit by her "rejection" and so was puffing himself up a bit in the way he acted around you. 

Possibly he too has changed after 10 years and IF he's willing to talk and his story matched hers pretty closely, that would be reasonably good evidence that it's the real story. If it doesn't match you still don't know for sure as he might be puffing it up to be a braggart at your expense or what have you. But you could also assess his tone and apparent sincerity and try to judge from there. Not sure if that's possible or whether you'd actually care to do it even if it was, just an idea for you to consider.

As they say marriage isn't always a bed of roses. You seem like a reasonable person in many ways which may be why yours has lasted, but clearly it's had its rockier moments, as most I think do. GL.

Thanks for the input Mark! I don't need to call the guy, I couldn't trust him and I've spent the intervening years assuming that he had taken her back to his room to have his way with her all night.  The possibility that he didn't is a plus, but to be honest, the feelings are the same either way.  I appreciate my wife trying to clear all secrets and open discussion in the relationship.  Certainly sounds like a good plan to me.  Hearing talk of enthusiastically cheating on me with a guy I knew is a tough pill, even if my eye witness friends had outed the event all those years ago.  I think I had credited her for being too drunk to have any restraint.  It was only 3 days ago that she told me she was sober.  A sober "willing participant" in fact.  A little more of a decision to betray our marriage than I had always thought.

[Acacia98]

I'm sorry to be the one to do this, but you do say you welcome all opinions: I'm rather skeptical about the narrative that's been presented to you.

Perhaps she has indeed made a firm commitment to be faithful to you and you have a decent relationship now, but that makes it possible that she finally broke down and told you a tame version of events so that she could set your mind at ease and you guys could finally move forward. In other words, she may be regretful about her past actions and may be lying to you to save your marriage. That's the optimistic interpretation of things.

Here's the picture I get from your post: a woman who was sober and loved you apparently found it easy to let this man grind on her in front of your mutual friends. She then jumped into a car to God knows where with him (and, at some point--it's not entirely clear to me when in the timeline this happened--she proceeded to ignore all your frantic calls). Then she developed the self-restraint to say no and to respect your marriage when it was just the two of them? It's certainly possible. But if that is indeed what happened, why on earth didn't she tell you these details back then instead of just denying that anything happened and allowing you to believe the worst all these years? And why didn't she take your concerns seriously enough to leave her job back then? She actually stayed there, working with this guy, and expecting you to just trust that everything was okay until she got fired? And then there are the apparent contradictions between her story and yours. She says she went back to the party. Did your friends confirm this? And she said she returned to her room at some point earlier than you seemed to believe. Did her roommate confirm this? If you received no confirmation from these people, did you just decide to doubt your perception of the timeline and events because you needed to believe her?

If, in fact, she is telling you the unvarnished truth this time, then the scenario that comes to mind is that she cold-bloodedly did all this stuff to hurt you and make you jealous in the past. But if that was the case, I imagine there would be evidence of manipulation on her part from your other interactions over the years.

Anyway, I'm curious about why you've chosen to believe her this time, considering the concept of "trickle truth" is a real thing. Is it because you believe you're better at reading her after all these years? Is it because this is what you need to believe in order to move on? And I can't help wondering what the general dynamic of your relationship has been. Does she generally lie about stuff? Is gaslighting a thing in your relationship? Did she have resentment towards you or regrets about having married you at the two-year point? Does she have a complicated relationship with alcohol?

Edited October 4, 2023 by Acacia98

[ExpatInItaly]

I think it's time for you two to return to counselling. 

She has been lying for years about this, and now that you know the truth (maybe), it is reasonable that professional support is in order. I am also not totally convinced you're getting the whole story from her even now, but even what you do know is enough to really rattle the foundation of your marriage. 

On 10/3/2023 at 3:21 AM, BrittN said:

she wanted to work on our relationship

While I see the benefit of continuing to improve a relationship for its own sake, I also wonder if something specific has triggered this. How had things been going between you until this confession?

[mark clemson]

13 hours ago, BrittN said:

 I think I had credited her for being too drunk to have any restraint.  It was only 3 days ago that she told me she was sober.  A sober "willing participant" in fact.  A little more of a decision to betray our marriage than I had always thought.

Probably drunk on hormones is more like it. I think many if not most of us have been there. It's not just cheating - things like teen pregnancies, shotgun weddings, date rape, realizing one has "put it in crazy" etc, etc. Poor decisions happen all the time when it comes to reproduction, as the "wiser" parts of our brain can get overridden...

She sobered up when she saw the impact it had on you, your relationship, the gossiping, etc, etc.

[BrittN]

9 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Probably drunk on hormones is more like it. I think many if not most of us have been there. It's not just cheating - things like teen pregnancies, shotgun weddings, date rape, realizing one has "put it in crazy" etc, etc. Poor decisions happen all the time when it comes to reproduction, as the "wiser" parts of our brain can get overridden...

She sobered up when she saw the impact it had on you, your relationship, the gossiping, etc, etc.

Mark, I agree. I think, when making out, he moved to "suck on my neck and I got scared." Maybe she was afraid of a hickey, some mark of infidelity and she says she stopped him. The logical brain overriding her ovaries. I think that part of the story argues for her truthfulness here.

 

Acacia98 - I know her actions were undoubtedly done without regard for me, but I don't think her plan was to hurt me. I think she was young, horny and away from home.  I don't think she would do the same today, Given the same chance. The argument to believe her is that I told her that I'd come to terms with her f***ing him years ago. She could have confessed at this point without consequence. I admit, I had blamed her actions primarily on drunkenness because our friends said that she had been drinking a margarita. Hearing that it was a sober night was the most shocking revelation.. Could she trickle truth me, sure. I don't think it's impossible that she screwed him all night. 

Expat- my experience with counseling was terrible.  Of course, at the time, she was denying all and there was a chance in the counselors eyes that I was a jealous husband full of wrong suspicions I guess.  It seemed useless. Since having kids, we've been closer than ever and have been taking time away from them as well. Her confession came after a couples only (just us) beach trip where we got along great. I think the lie weighed on her.  Of course she knew all along that denying everything was ridiculous.  She knows she was seen dancing,grinding, walking in the woods with the guy then driving off with him.  Denying it was a childlike reaction back then. Of course I wish she had come clean right away.

 

 

[BrittN]

On 10/3/2023 at 11:29 PM, Acacia98 said:

I'm sorry to be the one to do this, but you do say you welcome all opinions: I'm rather skeptical about the narrative that's been presented to you.

Perhaps she has indeed made a firm commitment to be faithful to you and you have a decent relationship now, but that makes it possible that she finally broke down and told you a tame version of events so that she could set your mind at ease and you guys could finally move forward. In other words, she may be regretful about her past actions and may be lying to you to save your marriage. That's the optimistic interpretation of things.

Here's the picture I get from your post: a woman who was sober and loved you apparently found it easy to let this man grind on her in front of your mutual friends. She then jumped into a car to God knows where with him (and, at some point--it's not entirely clear to me when in the timeline this happened--she proceeded to ignore all your frantic calls). Then she developed the self-restraint to say no and to respect your marriage when it was just the two of them? It's certainly possible. But if that is indeed what happened, why on earth didn't she tell you these details back then instead of just denying that anything happened and allowing you to believe the worst all these years? And why didn't she take your concerns seriously enough to leave her job back then? She actually stayed there, working with this guy, and expecting you to just trust that everything was okay until she got fired? And then there are the apparent contradictions between her story and yours. She says she went back to the party. Did your friends confirm this? And she said she returned to her room at some point earlier than you seemed to believe. Did her roommate confirm this? If you received no confirmation from these people, did you just decide to doubt your perception of the timeline and events because you needed to believe her?

If, in fact, she is telling you the unvarnished truth this time, then the scenario that comes to mind is that she cold-bloodedly did all this stuff to hurt you and make you jealous in the past. But if that was the case, I imagine there would be evidence of manipulation on her part from your other interactions over the years.

Anyway, I'm curious about why you've chosen to believe her this time, considering the concept of "trickle truth" is a real thing. Is it because you believe you're better at reading her after all these years? Is it because this is what you need to believe in order to move on? And I can't help wondering what the general dynamic of your relationship has been. Does she generally lie about stuff? Is gaslighting a thing in your relationship? Did she have resentment towards you or regrets about having married you at the two-year point? Does she have a complicated relationship with alcohol?

I get it, I'm a bit skeptical too. Her story is that she came to her senses at the party, well making out with him in the woods of the party, but needed the ride to the hotel after.  I guess that is possible.  She told this story very convincingly.. I acknowledge that she could still be lying.  My problem with the friend and room mate reports is all of this was years ago now. I got calls when the dancing was out of hand, when she left with him (to the woods or in the truck) and I got several calls from her work room mate.  That last call from her was after midnight, but not much, maybe as late as 1am.  That was when the room mate was telling me that she "never came back from the party" How late did the party go? Could my wife have come back afte and I got no call from the room mate.  Amazingly, I never asked of her old room mate.  I could now, I guess, but that woman hasn't heard from me in 10 years.

About the job.. We were young, and I was in school. She made a decent about of our money, but worse, her job came with a free house.  We lived there. I watched her go to work where this guy worked directly under her...

I have healthy skepticism for sure, but I think her story is possible.  She certainly didn't come back with any hickeys or physical signs that he had been ravaging her body for 8 hours of unbridled sex.  I did see her 2 days later.

The alcohol thing.  Yeah, back then, she would binge drink and didn't stop that for a few more years.  But.. She claims she was sober that night. I would have been more likely to excuse her if I though she was drunk and he took advantage.  In her telling of the night she specifically said she was sober an "a willing participant"

Lastly, motivation. I don't think she was doing this to hurt me.  I suspect she got excited and foolish.  I think she never wanted me to know, at least back then.

I'm trying to look at this as a horny failure on her part (whether it was sex or not) in a woman who wants to do better and probably has in the last 10 years. If her plan was to replace me or intentionally humiliate me, I admit, that would be worst than my view on it.

[Gaeta]

Can you live with you'll never know?

I don't think she told you the entire truth and you'll probably never know the entire truth. So, you let this poison your life for the next 40 years or you let go. The saying says: When we cannot change something, we change our perception of it. If she were to tell you that she did have sex with him in the woods - would that prompt you to leave? no. You love her, you said the relationship has been doing good, you are parents together and don't want to shake the cage. Let it go. 

[BrittN]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Can you live with you'll never know?

I don't think she told you the entire truth and you'll probably never know the entire truth. So, you let this poison your life for the next 40 years or you let go. The saying says: When we cannot change something, we change our perception of it. If she were to tell you that she did have sex with him in the woods - would that prompt you to leave? no. You love her, you said the relationship has been doing good, you are parents together and don't want to shake the cage. Let it go. 

Intellectually, you are right.  I has assumed that she had gone back to spend the night with him in his hotel room, and she knew that I though that. I, for years, may have had a little resentment from it, but with kids, I had released it (Mostly). Her making this "truthful" confession for the first time ever just brings me back to it.  Maybe I would prefer that she had told me that he had indeed ravished her for hours in the room and that she had enjoyed it? That would at least bring closure.  She came close, telling me that grinding (full on dry humping, i think) follwed by making out went on and that she had enjoyed it and was a willing participant. It rings of possible truth.  I can live with it either way. I was wondering, for sure, if I was a sucker to think she stopped after making out.  There was a break in time, between the woods and the ride back to the hotel, a bit of time to reflex, so maybe her story is true..

[Penorsword]

On 10/2/2023 at 7:21 PM, BrittN said:

So, a few years ago, my wife and I had been married for 2 years but together since high school.  She was 24 at the time of this event.

She went on a work trip, a job where a lot of our mutual friends worked, not uncommon at all.  At out of state trip. Well, I was happily at home when her room mate (a younger coworker that she had to share a hotel room with) called me in a panic, pretty late at night. She said that Jessica had gone to a corporate party with David (a coworker) he had driven her there, and that she had been dancing and he was "grinding on her" for a while.  Mary (the room mate) then told me that they left together and that Jessica (Wife) has never returned to their room.

Well, I knew David, an alpha guy from work, def a guy who worked closely with my wife daily. I freaked out a bit and over the next few hours called her phone repeatedly, eventually leaving some pretty angry voicemails. Of course, I was agonizing in real time while my wife was undoubtedly getting screwed in every possible way by this guy from work. (I thought).  I do remember her calling me the next morning and denying everything.  We went to counseling and she continued to deny everything.  It was useless.  I was busy at work and ashamed to leave her as we had been married less than 2 years.  Somehow, I didn't leave her though we have had resentment from this for years.   Worse yet, she worked with David, closely for another 6 months before she was fired and had to work elsewhere.  The guy was smug around me and I have no idea how he behaved with her at work.  I monitored her a bit and she denied any ongoing affair. (of course, she denied the initial night too).

This was a humiliation fest for me. Our friends saw the dancing, the trip to the woods and them driving off together, telling me all this.  We all assumed he had sex with her all night.  He was certainly smug toward me for the rest of the time that I knew him. Word spread and everybody believed that I, practically a newlywed was unwillingly cucked.  I was ashamed and humiliated and angry.

 

Well, it's now years later, a lot of years later, 10 or so and we live in a different town and have been doing pretty well. Jessica still travels all the time, but somehow I'm not worried.  I think having kids helped me in the relationship a bit, but I still had resentment. 

Recently though, she wanted to work on our relationship and have open and honest dialog.  Probably well intentioned relationship planing there, and I agreed, on the condition that she tell me the unvarnished truth of her night with David. She tearfully did so on the spot.

They got in Davids truck to go to a “Party at the Barn”.  A few people from the travel group went separately as well.  At the party, she drank a little, but wasn't drunk.  She took up David's invitation to dance and they danced for quite a while, she says he was "Grinding" on her a lot. Keep in mind, our mutual friends are watching this.  They, after a while he told her he had something to show her and led her to the nearby woods where they began making out. I asked her if she was drunk and she said no, "at first I was a willing participant". They made out for a "while" with him fondling (over the clothes only) "until he started to suck on my neck. Then I got scared and told him to stop. Reminding him at this late date that they were both married. She says that they went back to the party where he was “quiet” and he drove her back to the hotel room where she remembers calling me. (I don't remember getting any call that night, but can't be sure of the timing). At this point she says she returned to the room with Mary and went to sleep with no repeat performances with him ever - saying that David and she didn't even discuss what happen at work over their next 6 months of working together.

I asked her about her motivations for the night and she said

"I guess it was just physical attraction/excitement in the moment.  I did NOT have any sort of emotional/intellectual bond with this guy. "

She was tearful and apologetic in the telling of the above story, an infidelity without the sex that I assumed all these years...  I think I believe her, though if makes little difference, I guess. It's wild to hear her admit all this after blanket denials for years and during counseling. He was def something different from me, a diff race and different background. 

How do you think I should react to this? I'm not leaving her for this 10 year old infidelity, we have a daughter now, but it's a bitter sweet pill.  I already suffered for years assuming the worst, now, I'm not sure the kissing story is any better?  I don't think she would do this again, but, of course, I never thought she would do it the first time..

 

 

 

 

I am very skeptical of this story. I would reassure her that you are not going to leave and that you understand her hesitation to divulge the whole truth but let her know how much it would mean to you to her her tell you the entire truth of what happened. 

[BrittN]

14 minutes ago, Penorsword said:

I am very skeptical of this story. I would reassure her that you are not going to leave and that you understand her hesitation to divulge the whole truth but let her know how much it would mean to you to her her tell you the entire truth of what happened. 

I will do exactly this.  Great advice.  I tried the first time, but she had no time to think, and may have been afraid (if she didn't tell the whole truth). I hate to keep bringing it up, but one more go can't hurt. It's a safety thing too.  I'm sure he was a player, even though he was married, I know he later divorced the wife he had that night.  Her risk of getting HPV from him or something is real.  Worth knowing.

[redbaron007]

It's possible she's telling the truth, it's equally likely she's gaslighting you. You can ask her if she's willing to take a polygraph test to verify things did not go beyond what she has divulged. If she's really telling the truth, she would have no problem with a polygraph.

[Rusty78]

Sorry you have gone through this.

That night she says she called you but you don't remember.

That night you thought she was cheating on you, you had people at the party telling you. You tried blowing up her phone. You were running on adrenaline. The one you loved, the number one person in your life was entertaining the office Chad and you couldn't stop her. You were hyper sensitive, adrenaline makes you that way, your mind was working overtime. If she called, you would remember. +10yrs and you can still remember that night clear. She is gaslighting you. She has has ten years to get the story believable and you still know she's telling you lies. You want to believe her, but you are here posting your story. Trust your gut. Actions speak louder than words.

You stayed married to her. You thought Chad pounded her, and you stayed. She learned that your boundaries are low. She would also learn to be less careless who was watching. She would never make that mistake again.

You have to do this for you. I suggest you do not tell her of any of this.

What is the truth? You can't believe her, she will never tell the whole truth, only truth that she thinks you can handle. I would start with DNA tests for your kids. Postnatal DNA tests come back about 1/3 negative. 

Men and women do not view infidelity the same (mostly). It is hard for the opposite sex to see it as you see it. Don't let anyone discredit your feelings or concerns on this issue. 

Your gut is telling you what went down that night, was there more? Was there another one(s). Start with DNA tests on the kids and maybe build trust from there.

[BrittN]

8 hours ago, Rusty78 said:

Sorry you have gone through this.

That night she says she called you but you don't remember.

That night you thought she was cheating on you, you had people at the party telling you. You tried blowing up her phone. You were running on adrenaline. The one you loved, the number one person in your life was entertaining the office Chad and you couldn't stop her. You were hyper sensitive, adrenaline makes you that way, your mind was working overtime. If she called, you would remember. +10yrs and you can still remember that night clear. She is gaslighting you. She has has ten years to get the story believable and you still know she's telling you lies. You want to believe her, but you are here posting your story. Trust your gut. Actions speak louder than words.

You stayed married to her. You thought Chad pounded her, and you stayed. She learned that your boundaries are low. She would also learn to be less careless who was watching. She would never make that mistake again.

You have to do this for you. I suggest you do not tell her of any of this.

What is the truth? You can't believe her, she will never tell the whole truth, only truth that she thinks you can handle. I would start with DNA tests for your kids. Postnatal DNA tests come back about 1/3 negative. 

Men and women do not view infidelity the same (mostly). It is hard for the opposite sex to see it as you see it. Don't let anyone discredit your feelings or concerns on this issue. 

Your gut is telling you what went down that night, was there more? Was there another one(s). Start with DNA tests on the kids and maybe build trust from there.

Wow. I definitely get your point.  Thinking back on it, she has a history. We dated for a year in high school, then I broke up with her to go to college. In that year she dated another guy for just short of a year starting in May. I cam back and took her out repeatedly in August and sept, [slept with her] her a few times.  Then, when I decided I wanted her back the following may, I took her out again, [had sex] again.  All of those were cheat days on her current boyfriend. I was fine with that of course, because it was me.  

Is she gaslighting me? It seems more likely than not.  I will squeeze her for the real story this week. Tell her that I need to know the real truth to get past it.  We will see.

My kids? Well they certainly aren't David's. My wife and I are northern European descent while David is a dark skinned hispanic. I am comforted that the kids also share my very rare blood type, and look like little replicas of me.

She has, for all these years, submitted to location tracking and phone transparency. I check often. Have never found anything since she was fired from the workplace she shared with David.

Did she ride meekly back to the hotel and go back to her room or did she go to his private hotel room instead. Seems more likely it was his.

Edited October 8, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Bryanp]

Wait a second. Something sounds off here.

Mary made it clear to you that your wife never

returned to the hotel room with Mary that evening. The story

your wife told you was that she did return to the room

with Mary in the evening. Somebody is lying. If

your wife never returned to her room with Mary

then your wife spent the night with this guy. Am I

missing something?