Am I Overthinking it?

[LoyalBFF29]

I usually don't come on forums like this, but I really need some advice. 

This girl whom I've known since elementary school has been my most consistent friend and is my best friend, basically an unofficial sister, and I love her to death (platonically of course), and she always tells me that she appreciates our friendship whenever she can, and values me as an individual. We do see each other whenever we're both open (she's a teacher, and I work full time CS, so our schedules are packed), and just enjoy each other's company. I wouldn't trade her for anyone else.

However recently, I've been having these................feelings that I fear will put a strain on our friendship, and that is she is dating someone she met on a dating site about 7 months or so ago. I'm not jealous of that at all, as its been pretty clear that we're friends & friends only, but more so jealous & nervous that if it goes further, things may turn for the worse. 

That is not to say that she can't date anyone she feels fit dating, and judging from the pictures, he seems like a nice guy. But I haven't met him, or really know anything about him, and I just worry that if our paths cross one day, what the outcome will be. My best friend and I agreed to a trip next year to wherever (just a nice road trip between friends), but now is that off the table cause of this person she's dating? 

Will I still be a very important person in her life? Am I overthinking it, and thinking of the worst-case scenario? I have never thought about it like this with any other girls I was good friends with, probably because I've known her most of my life. And I keep telling myself that she would never do this as I've known her for way longer than her boyfriend has, and she just makes me feel good about my obsessions & quirks, as she knows I am on the spectrum & tries to make my life oh so much better by just treating me normally, and helping me confront stuff. 

I am not painting her in a bad light at all, she is a very VERY loving & kind person, and I am not painting her boyfriend in a bad light either. That is not the point of this post. 

I just want to hear from others if I am overthinking this & dreading the worst-case scenario. I wouldn't want to lose her as a friend at all.

[Lotsgoingon]

What you're experiencing is normal. You're close to her, and yes, now that she is dating someone, it's totally normal to wonder what happens to your relationship. Will she make time for her long-time guy friend when she's romantically involved with a guy?--that's what you're fretting.

The answer is, she will make time for you. Now, at the start of dating and I might define the start as the first year people do tend  to pull away somewhat from their friend network. But they should never fully pull away. Because she will need you in her life, just as she has had you in her life til now.

And she might be scared of having you meet the guy because she knows how close you and she are and maybe she worries this guy would be jealous of you or suspicious of you ... or maybe she's worried that you would be suspicious of bf. But trust me: she knows she will need to bring you and the bf together at some point.

She's probably NOT going to tell you everything about her relationship with this guy, at least for now. She needs some privacy. But later she is likely to reveal more about the relationship, its ups and downs, its strengths and its weak points. 

You and she will have to redefine and redraw the boundaries of the friendship, but you can do this. Requires a certain amount of maturity and letting go. This might be a good time for you to talk about your own love interests and your own dating plans. In the short term, she'll likely feel more comfortable talking about her romance if you also have some romance (with another person) going on. 

People in couples need friends and need to stay close to some old friends for continuity of identity. And a romance cannot fulfill all our needs for friendship and connection. People like getting perspectives besides that of their love partner. Every partner has limits and one benefit of a good friendship is you can tap the wisdom of a friend when you're dealing with an issue that a partner isn't really comfortable with.

This is a great moment for you and her. In the old days (I think about my mother's time) women and men were not supposed to have close friends of the opposite sex once they got married. My mom would NEVER meet a male friend for lunch somewhere. I go out with my female friends (including married ones) without a moment's hesitation. Still this new era has its difficulty points. And this is where you're at right now. Just be there for her. Share what you want to share with her. 

Later perhaps (I wouldn't do it now) you can even share your worry that you're going to lose her as a friend. What's more important though is make sure she knows how much you treasure your connection to her. Sounds like you are already doing this.

BTW: the process you are going through can also occur when a close same-sex friend gets romantically involved and especially married. I remember when one of my close male buddies got married, I felt like you feel about this woman friend getting romantically hitched. I was afraid I would fall in importance to my buddy and so on. None of that happened. 

 

 

 

 

[glows]

A healthy distance is probably in order as she will be occupied with her new relationship. Having such a strong dependence on the friendship just means you need to work on building new friendships and meeting new people. She shouldn’t be the only person who understands you.

Do you have any other support? Friends or family or others on the spectrum you can relate to? 

Regarding the upcoming trip ask her about it and be open about any possible conflicts. Tell her you need to know for work or taking time off purposes and so on - get straight to the point about what you need. If she comes back and says that it’s not feasible or realistic and would rather not do the trip then cross that bridge when it comes.

I suspect the underlying issue is you are depending on her too much to fulfill your friendship needs. Make new friends, meet new people too.

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, LoyalBFF29 said:

That is not to say that she can't date anyone she feels fit dating, and judging from the pictures, he seems like a nice guy. But I haven't met him, or really know anything about him

I am wondering why you haven't met him or know much about him after 7 months. Do you know if she's introduced him to other people in her life? It seems a bit peculiar to me that you don't really know anything about your best friend's boyfriend at this stage. 

I ask because I wonder if this points to a friendship that is rather unbalanced, with you being a lot more invested than she is. Perhaps that is not the case, but I wonder how close a friend she considers you to be. 

In general, when people are good friends, they are still going to make time for each other even when they have a partner. The dynamic may shift a bit and you naturally won't spend all your time with her, but if she values your friendship, she is going to find a balance. Have you two still been spending time together since she met him? Do you have other friends you see and socialize with? 

[d0nnivain]

Change can be unnerving.  Your relationship with her is evolving as adult relationships do.  If she marries & has kids, yes, you will drop down on her list of priorities.  I joke that I recently got my college BFFs back as their kids have gone off to college & beyond.   That doesn't mean your friendship won't survive.  It will simply be different.  The upcoming road trip is probably still going to happen.  Keep planning for it with her. 

However, if your feelings are more than friendship, if you are thinking that you like her romantically & want to have a same sex dating relationship with her, that probably isn't going to happen.  If she is dating a guy, she's probably straight.  Even if she is BI , at this point she is taken.  Don't be a homewrecker.  

[Wiseman2]

10 hours ago, LoyalBFF29 said:

 she just makes me feel good about my obsessions & quirks, as she knows I am on the spectrum & tries to make my  better by just treating me normally, and helping me confront stuff. 

Sorry this is happening. She seems like a great friend. However she needs to have her own life and activities and other friends. 

Unfortunately you seem to have a crush on her or have gotten overly dependent on her friendship and support.  She needs have the freedom to live her own life and you do too.

Try to round out your life a bit more. Join some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness, take some classes and courses. Broaden your social horizons and have fun and make friends with like-minded people.

If you would like to have a special person in your life, get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local interested people. 

[stillafool]

Your friend is taking time to cultivate her relationship as she should be.  This happens and is to be expected when a friend gets in a relationship. When you get, or if you have a bf, invite your friend and her man over or on a double date so you can meet and get to know each other.

[ShyViolet]

When a person gets into a new relationship, it's normal for them to seemingly spend all their time with their significant other and a bit less time with their friends.  To be brutally honest, you sound a little too obsessed with her.  Give her a break and understand that you might not be her first priority right now.  That doesn't mean that the whole friendship is at risk of ending.

[stillafool]

18 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

To be brutally honest, you sound a little too obsessed with he

I got the same impression from reading your post.  I've had girlfriends get possessive over me and it really bothered me to the point I stopped contact.  I don't like women feeling that way about me.

[MsJayne]

If she has a BF, no, it wouldn't be appropriate to take a trip together without him. If she's your best friend it's odd that she hasn't introduced you to him. She may be concerned that you won't like each other and she'll be placed in an uncomfortable situation where she's forced to choose between you, which would be extremely unfair on her.  Best just to wait and see what happens, and if she still finds time for you when in a new relationship just be glad that she values your friendship.