In my first long-distance relationship and I'm already struggling

[SophiaMax]

I met a guy at the start of the summer and we hit it off easily. He's kind, patient and curious about me and my life. When we first starting dating I told him that I couldn't commit to anything serious because I was leaving for college in a few months, and he was ok with that. But over time my feelings changed and so did his. We agreed to commit to each other a couple weeks before I left, and that made me really happy. He's my first boyfriend, and I feel like I really lucked out.

But now I'm in college, and my work is already starting to pile up. I'm afraid that I won't be able to talk to him as much as I have been, because I need to do my work and I need to have a social life. He's not in college, so he has more free time than I do. He said that he is willing to put in the effort, and so am I, but I've never done this before and I don't want to hurt him.

I've talked to my bf about my fears, and he supports me and is understanding, but I'm still stressed. A friend told me to focus on school and making friends here, and that my bf will be there.. or he might not. I don't know what to do. 

[glows]

Communication is everything, long distance or not. Is your boyfriend expecting you to phone call every night for ie? I’m recalling here the old days when I was in a long distance rel with a bloke in a different university. The understanding was a chat every night. This seems to be the norm between most long distance couples, a time to catch up about the day. If not being able to make it for something like this bothers you communicate in advance and let him know that you’re not able to chat for long. 

Remember to make your phone calls and catching up intentional and not drag on for hours. If his needs exceed yours and he wants more than you can agree to this won’t work. Be honest about what you’re willing to compromise on together and be very clear in your communication. Set realistic expectations and advise each other out of courtesy when things are ongoing or taking up your time such as exams or going out with friends.

If you are not willing to do this then a relationship doesn’t sound like something viable or realistic for you at this time. Relationships are about sharing life with someone and if you can’t or aren’t willing to do that, on the fence or half hearted I suggest you end this and free both yourselves.

Edited October 4, 2023 by glows

[ExpatInItaly]

How often do you two communicate as it stands right now? 

If he is a reasonable person, he will understand that you have to attend to your studies and that you have a life outside the relationship. There will be times you want to see friends or engage in other activities, and that's normal. Does he not do the same, even though he isn't in school? 

[SophiaMax]

22 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

How often do you two communicate as it stands right now? 

If he is a reasonable person, he will understand that you have to attend to your studies and that you have a life outside the relationship. There will be times you want to see friends or engage in other activities, and that's normal. Does he not do the same, even though he isn't in school? 

We currently do talk everyday, but I can tell that that won't always be possible. He works during the day and typically has hobby activities from 7:30pm to 8 or 9pm most days, so we can't talk until later at night anyway. I'm just nervous that no matter how well we communicate, things just won't work out because our relationship is new and it's my first relationship period. This might just be a growing period for me, but it's hard. But such is life, I guess. 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, SophiaMax said:

I'm just nervous that no matter how well we communicate, things just won't work out because our relationship is new and it's my first relationship period.

Do you still want to be in a relationship with him? 

Or are you worried he is going to break up with you? 

[SophiaMax]

12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Do you still want to be in a relationship with him? 

Or are you worried he is going to break up with you? 

I would like to be in a relationship with him, but I feel like the stress of my first year of college is already snuffing out the flame I had for him. Maybe that's because we didn't truly reach a point of emotional connection while in person, We've only known each other for three months and have been dating for four weeks at this point. I don't want to loose him because of my inability to be mature and juggle the things in my life, but maybe I wasn't as ready as I thought I was. I'm not worried about him breaking up with me.

Edited October 4, 2023 by SophiaMax

[ExpatInItaly]

59 minutes ago, SophiaMax said:

I don't want to loose him because of my inability to be mature and juggle the things in my life, but maybe I wasn't as ready as I thought I was.

I wondered that. 

This isn't about maturity or being unable to manage your time. It seems you are simply recognizing that your feelings for him aren't strong enough to sustain this long-term, and especially not at a distance. You (understandably) were hesitant to commit seriously initially, and now you're seeing that inner voice is still telling you this isn't the right match for you at this time in your life. 

This is normal at your age, but you need to be honest with him if you're not as into this anymore and need to go your separate ways. In my experience in my first year of university (years ago now), this was very common when one person went away to school and the other didn't, particuarly when they hadn't been dating long. Their lives were simply at such different points that a relationship wasn't tenable. 

[d0nnivain]

Yours is a common occurrence.  When you go off to college the SO back home can't hold a candle to the new experiences or the pressures of your school work.  School has to come 1st.   Back off from the guy.  See him in person when you are home.  Stay in light contact but do yourself a huge favor & take the pressure off by not trying for an exclusive LDR.  

Enjoy the rest of the semester.  

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, SophiaMax said:

 I feel like the stress of my first year of college is already snuffing out the flame I had for him. Maybe that's because we didn't truly reach a point of emotional connection while in person,.

Trust your instincts. Focus on your university life, studies and making friends. All you need to do is be sincere and tell him it's not working out.

Set yourself free so you can get more involved in academics, your course of study, your future, etc. Try not to isolate yourself from campus life by clinging on to something that seems to be stunting your growth.

[BaileyB]

7 hours ago, SophiaMax said:

I'm just nervous that no matter how well we communicate, things just won't work out because our relationship is new and it's my first relationship period.

I hate to say this, but it’s likely that it won’t work out for all the reasons that you mention above - and that’s ok. Not all relationships are meant to go the distance, especially at this age. Lots of people have summer relationships and then they go away to school and discover that it’s hard to have time for everything…

What’s most important is that you focus on school - study, build friendships, enjoy a happy social life. Whatever you do, don’t miss out on the college life all around you because you are trying to please someone who you’ve known for a matter of weeks who is not present in your daily life. 

Relationships will come and go… college is an important time and an experience that you only get once.

I hope you can make it work, it’s not that I don’t want your relationship to work out. I just don’t want you to feel badly if it doesn’t. It’s HARD to keep a relationship going during college when there are so many competing demands for your time. Whatever happens, this is another experience and you will be ok. 

Edited October 4, 2023 by BaileyB

[glows]

If you’re feeling less interested (referring to your comment about “snuffing out the flame”) or not as emotionally connected then break it off and let him go. He doesn’t deserve to be in a rl with someone whose interest isn’t all there.

While I understand you don’t want to “lose him” you have also succinctly deduced that you may not be ready for a committed relationship and you both didn’t have the time to grow as a couple or develop a deeper emotional bond. Perhaps you never had him and vice versa in the first place so don’t try to convince yourself you’re losing anything. Be bold and fearless and move on if this isn’t for you. 

[Els]

How far apart do both of you live?

[ShyViolet]

You're setting yourself up for failure by taking on this long distance relationship at a time of a lot of transition in your life,.  You are starting school which is becoming demanding and experiencing a lot of new things for the first time.  It's sad that your first experience with a relationship is a long distance one.  That's not how a relationship is supposed to be and you are not getting the real experience of a relationship.  School has to come first and you need to focus on that.  I think you should admit the fact that you can't have a true relationship experience with this guy, it will only be a source of stress and disappointment.

[Lotsgoingon]

It's totally to commit to people before college and then to go to college and realize that commitment doesn't work.

It's happening everyday to a good quarter of the people around you. Totally normal and totally healthy. If the old relationship can't fit into the present situation, then it won't last. And you can't force a fit.

Cut this person loose and go out and enjoy college days. 

[SophiaMax]

Thank you for the advice. I'm adding this update: We talked, I cried and broke up with him. Honestly much harder than I thought it was going to be. I wish a lot of things could have been different, but I mostly feel relieved. He deserves better, and I feel like I can focus more on my current life already. I've realized I have a lot more growing to do. 

Edited October 8, 2023 by SophiaMax

[ShyViolet]

You did the right thing.  Of course breakups are hard, that's normal.

[glows]

5 hours ago, SophiaMax said:

Thank you for the advice. I'm adding this update: We talked, I cried and broke up with him. Honestly much harder than I thought it was going to be. I wish a lot of things could have been different, but I mostly feel relieved. He deserves better, and I feel like I can focus more on my current life already. I've realized I have a lot more growing to do. 

Brava for having the strength to break it off and set both of you free. It’s good to pay attention to your feelings. Feeling relieved is fairly clear that this has been weighing on you for some time and you don’t have to let this weigh you anymore. The sadness will pass and you can move on and keep growing.

[ExpatInItaly]

You have done the right thing. 

It just wasn't the right time or person for you, and that's okay. Breaking up is never easy but you have taken the mature decision to end what you knew wasn't going to work. 

 

[BaileyB]

I wish you well at school. You made the right decision - this is the time of your life to focus on your studies and to meet new people/build relationships at college. You are now free to do that, and that is how it should be. 

[d0nnivain]

Good for you @SophiaMax  It hurts now but that will fade.  

Enjoy the rest of the school year.