My GF (26F) is the breadwinner and I'm worried she's done with me (28M)

[AnonymousUmpire]

So for a brief bit of background info: we've been together for 7 years now (I believe it's both our longest relationship), we met whilst working in the same school, both had partners to begin with but eventually ended it with them and began seeing each other, both worked in Education, both have ADHD and mental health issues, both get on better with the opposite sex, bought a home together in 2021, I have been out of work since June 2021 due to PTSD from being a first responder to a fatal car crash where we used to live. I also apologise in advance if I go off on a tangent, that's one of my ADHD traits!

Over the last year and a bit my GF has been the one paying the bills for our home. Between June and November 2021 I was still receiving sick pay from work while I was off which i used to still pay half the bills but once that stopped I was using my savings to help us purely for food shopping and anything for our pets. So it's been nearly a year that my GF has been paying our bills which equates to about £1400 ish a month, she earns about £1500pm I believe. That means she hasn't been able to save anything nor have we been able to go away together for over a year. As I mentioned I used my savings to pay for our weekly food shops, pet food and toys and the odd bit around the home. Since April of this year I've been looking for work in a different field to that which I'm trained in. I used to work with kids but after qualifying as a teacher and getting screwed around by my school I decided enough was enough and my mental health should come first. One of the things we have spoken about countless times is her desire to have children, I used to love the idea of having kids but after working with them for so long I've kind of gone off the idea. However we have a god daughter that we both love more than anything, seeing her and being around her does make me want my own again but I always said that I couldn't have a kid and work with them...in my mind one side would always lose out because I can only invest so much of my time and energy. I never wanted to let the kids I worked with down which pushed me to reject having kids for a while. My GF has said in the past that if I don't want kids that's fine but she does and if I don't thrn we need to sit down and face the reality of our situation. I completely understand where she's coming from but while I've been out of work I know that financially we couldn't entertain the idea at all. This I know saddens her because she's always wanted kids and loves working with them. She told me that she used to have a plan whereby she would be married and have kids by 25, that hasn't happened. She also wants to train to be a teacher which is another 2 years of training. Im at the age now where I worry about having kids after 30 because of the increased liklihood of them having SEND, especially with us both having ADHD which is on the spectrum. However I know that if I want to be with her, having kids is a must which I'm coming around to the idea of. Now though my issue is that I don't want to ruin her chances of getting this career she's wanted for years because of a child. Do I have a child with her which she wants and potentially throw her plans of being a teacher out of the window for another few years or do we wait until she's finished? How do I talk to her about that?

Since i left my old work my life has been spent at home, keeping the place somewhat tidy and making sure that there isnt much for her to do once shes home. Ill have a coffee waiting for her, ill ask her if she wants to shower before or after dinner so she can relax, i will do dinner 9 times out of 10 becase i love to cook, she loves to eat and i want her to relax after work. I handle most if not all of the admin relating to our home because i know that it can stress her out especially after a days work. Most of my days are spent wasting time by either watching TV or scrolling on my phone, doing washing, hoovering or washing up but occasionally ill tackle some of the jobs around the flat i.e. decorating, putting up or taking down things. To her, I think she thinks I doss about all day and sometimes I do do that. Especially on days where my mental health takes a hit and getting out of bed can be one of the hardest things to do. I've tried exercising, pushing myself to do some online training but my motivation is so low that unless it's an intrinsic reward or an immediate gratification I can't stick with it. Never have and likely never will. Another thing we struggle talking about is money. She's paying the bills and I pay for food shops etc. She always tells me we don't have enough money to splurge on nice things or to go out for dinner but somehow she has the money to to the pub most Fridays from 4pm - 12pm or onwards and always tells me that she doesnt buy rounds for people, will accept a drink if someone's offering and can seemingly make 1 drink last 2 hours when I ask but when I'm with her it can be gone in 30-45 minutes. So then I wonder how we don't have enough money for some things but we do when she wants to go out for the evening. (Am I wrong for this or what?)

As mentioned before, we both get on better with the opposite sex than we do the same. For me I've always found it easier to talk to girls because they don't have the same dickhead attitude that guys tend to have especially in school and likewise she prefers talking to guys because there's little to no drama involved with them. A lot of our mutual friends are girls, people we've worked with in the past and some of her friends. We have a couple of guy friends but they're all in relationships. Now she's working at a new school and she's made lots of friends which I'm super happy for her. When she started she was worried about nobody liking her or how she would fit in. I never worried about this because she lights up a room whenever she enters (this was something we and our friends used to joke about because we would all be done with the day by 9am and she would come strutting down the hill to work with a massive smile and a chipper good morning to which we'd all say piss off). So I knew she would have no trouble making friends. Sure enough a few weeks go by and she's made some friends. She goes out pretty much every week for drinks and will inevitably come stumbling home after midnight or around 2-3am. I get bothered by her being out because I worry what other guys will do/try but I also don't want to be that boyfriend. I've mentioned it to her a few times and we bicker but ultimately I respect that she wants to go out drinking and as I bring no money into the home I have no say (or do I? I dont know).

Now there's one guy who works in the same school, plays the guitar, his parents are religious and so is her mum and I know they've occasionally messaged each other (I've been through her phone in the past and I'm not proud of it). No kisses but heart reactions to messages from them both. She's been to a couple of his gigs at pubs, I've been to one and he's alright. She's always told me I don't have to worry about her falling in love with someone else in the same way we did. But I see videos of her at his gigs and she's right at the front, in front of him jumping around and dancing. Sometimes I feel like I'm looking too far into it and others I feel I'm justified in worrying. As a guy I feel like if a girl who is lovely to everyone, patient and kind with children, encourages you to play your music and rallies the troops to attend your gigs at pubs before dancing in front of you, is she or is she not someone that you'd be attracted to?? In her phone she has him saved as a nickname that she came up with after a joke bio he put up on Spotify. As a guy I can't help but think that if a beautiful girl does all those things, why wouldn't I be attracted to her? As far as I'm aware he hasn't got a girlfriend or partner. Worrying about him is not something I need right now. (Am I looking too far into this or am I overthinking?)

I recently finally got a new job, haven't started it yet but I'm hoping to within a few weeks. This job involves working with young people but in helping them find a job after school. It involves working in an office and in schools, 6 weeks holiday and a decent salary which is only a few grand less than what I was on as a Teacher. This is all new for me. Since finishing secondary school and sixth form I've worked in a school for kids with SEND which is where we met. We had the holidays together, shared similar interests and loved being together but also respecting each others space. This new job means that I won't have the same holidays as her plus I'll be finishing around 5/6pm with an hour journey home if I'm lucky. But in the past she has said she looks forward to having the opportunity to miss me. We also have a kitten that we've had together since December 2022, both love her like mad but because I'm home all day she's inseperable from me. If ever we've both been out separately, it has in the past been a tendency for me to leave my plans early so someone's home to feed the cat at a decent time. I think on 1 occasion I left it to her to see what she would do and she didn't leave until about 9/10pm, usually we aim to feed her consistently around 6/7pm as she's fed at about 7:30am. That pissed me off but when we spoke about it I came off as controlling and she felt like she "couldn't do right by me". To me it's important that the cat is fed consistently because I know how I can think, feel and act when I'm hungry; so for a creature that bounds about most days and doesn't eat much in the morning it's important that she is fed around the same time every day (I've also read that this is useful should cats ever disappear because they'll know a rough time of when they get fed so will likely come back around dinner time). On the Fridays when my GF is out till all hours it's me that feeds her as well. My GF had been passionate about consistent feeding as well in the past because her mum used to forget about the cats until last thing and only when they would be a nuisance to her would she remember to feed them, sometimes not until 11am/12pm and then 9/10pm. So we agreed that consistency was best for us and for the cat that relies on us. Am I making an issue out of nothing here?

I'm looking forward to starting work again so that I can take some of the stress off her shoulders and return to equal partners in this relationship, but tackling some of the issues I've had whilst she's been financially supporting me worries me. Do I have any right to feel this way? Do I have the right to ask for answers? I've previously mentioned to her that I think couples counselling would be good for us, not only to get on a level footing but also to have a 3rd party look at our relationship and give us advice on how we can better support each other. Spending all this time on my own thinking about these things is not healthy, this is why I needed to get this out. I apologise for the essay but just need to get all this out.

 

What do you recommend?

 

Thank you